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Author Topic: Do BPD think we will always go back to them?  (Read 958 times)
Iamdizzy
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« on: October 10, 2013, 01:12:17 PM »

Do they think they can just come back whenever they want?

I read a post on here earlier that they send the "HI! How how are you" or something along those lines rather than apologizing. They send out a line to see if we are hooked... Rather than owning up to what they've done.

So... do they think they can just come back whenever? Do they think we could still be hooked if they so bless us by throwing us a hook? (Sarcastic tone)
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Ironmanrises
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« Reply #1 on: October 10, 2013, 01:23:03 PM »

Yes.
Especially...
If they returned before...
And were allowed reentry.

That is all they need to know.
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hopealways
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« Reply #2 on: October 10, 2013, 01:25:58 PM »

Yes they believe we are obsessed with them, that they can come back whenever, and we will take them back whenever.  Prove them wrong. 
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hopealways
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« Reply #3 on: October 10, 2013, 01:30:23 PM »

By the way, all their exes before you have gone back to them, pined for them, so they think you will too.  Mine told me one of her exes slept on her doorstep so she would take her back, another stalked her and followed her to convince her to take him back. Another got engaged to another woman and STILL would email her love songs.  Not me.  I just moved on.
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GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?
This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving
All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)
Iamdizzy
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« Reply #4 on: October 10, 2013, 03:07:07 PM »

Mmmm interesting... We broke up numerous times throughout the relationship but after I had enough, I made damn sure to never contact me again, even our last encounter when I returned valuables to her, I said no more than 4 words. "Good luck in life" last thing I told her.

___ It hurts thinking about that... the way I felt. Anyway, I haven't heard anything from her, not a single peep in 5 and half months . Although she does have my family and friends on Facebook although she was never close to them whatsoever. I'm asking because the holidays are coming up and my birthday, I don't expect to hear anything from her but if I do... it's just for her own interest.
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HarmKrakow
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« Reply #5 on: October 10, 2013, 03:11:33 PM »

Do BPD think we will always go back to them?

No.

Do they think they can just come back whenever they want?

Yes.
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Turkish
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« Reply #6 on: October 10, 2013, 06:03:36 PM »

Yes they believe we are obsessed with them, that they can come back whenever, and we will take them back whenever.  Prove them wrong. 

I proved her wrong when she was still "deciding" to leave me (and the children, though of course I would fight for nothing less than 50/50... they may be the only thing that is keeping her on the planet right now, which sux for them, they will find out later). She admitted that I was trying 110%, but that she wasn't sure if she could get the love back. To me that meant "no." She threw out, "what if this happens again in 3 years?" To me that meant "yes." So I proceeded to check if she was lying to me, and she did, then lied to me about lying. I then told her that a relationship was two people, and that it wasn't just her choice if she stayed or left--- even though she has been putting on her friends and family that it was her that stayed so long trying to work it out (me: really? HOW?) for the kids.

So I said, "I think you need to leave. It's done." Things changed after that. She locked her phone, went back to checking her secret email account (a behavior she did before she met me with one of her ex's, she showed me and deleted it at the time to prove that she was over him). That was the boundary I drew. I will never, ever take her back, even though several people think she will want to at some point. Now I know what I am dealing with. She would have to get SERIOUS, specific help for me to even consider it. But no, probably not even then. Just my stupid 1% fantasy. The kids make it hard. If it weren't for them, I'd have already evicted her, or she would have most likely just left. I give a 25% chance of a suicide attempt at some point when her current/new guy leaves her, especially with her winter depression coming on. I need to get her away from me, but carefully and legally due to our children.

I think on some level she knows I will never take her back though. And that gives me some relief, perhaps.
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myself
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« Reply #7 on: October 10, 2013, 06:43:24 PM »

Yes, because they have seen us when we're hooked. We have welcomed them back before, despite the pains they caused, the damage that was done. Knowing that we care for them, they play the role of we should be there for them. When we do, they take advantage of it and continue to come and go. Keeping us hooked if we let them.

No, because they also try to sabotage things so much there is no going back. Which is a self-fulfilling way to prove their abandonment fears are true. Even when we had no intention of leaving them until their actions caused us to get away to save ourselves.

Each time through the recycling process there is less and less left over to make something strong enough to be long lasting. Which is where our focus needs to be, building something permanent, beginning with our own health and sense of self.
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patientandclear
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« Reply #8 on: October 10, 2013, 07:19:22 PM »

BPD is a disorder driven by shame and fear of rejection.

pwBPD assuredly do NOT assume they can always come back.  That would require a sense of security, and if they had that feeling of security, their relationships wouldn't be characterized by the instability that we know so well.

The tentative nature of those overtures is an indication that they are not confident of being welcomed back.  It's a way to have deniability -- I was NOT trying to get back together! -- if the former partner proves unreceptive.
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peas
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« Reply #9 on: October 10, 2013, 07:26:12 PM »

Quote
pwBPD assuredly do NOT assume they can always come back.  That would require a sense of security, and if they had that feeling of security, their relationships wouldn't be characterized by the instability that we know so well.

The tentative nature of those overtures is an indication that they are not confident of being welcomed back.  It's a way to have deniability -- I was NOT trying to get back together! -- if the former partner proves unreceptive.

Nailed it.
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Iamdizzy
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« Reply #10 on: October 24, 2013, 01:18:30 PM »

Interesting posts.

I kinda figured my BPDex would never come back as I made it explicitly clear to never contact me. I also did the no.1 thing that drives a BPD away besides loving them which is calling them out on their bs.

I don't know if coming back or thinking about this relationship would be a trigger for her, the "yet another relationship failed because of me" would eventually lead to a small panic attack.
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Waifed
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« Reply #11 on: October 24, 2013, 01:58:00 PM »

Interesting posts.

I kinda figured my BPDex would never come back as I made it explicitly clear to never contact me. I also did the no.1 thing that drives a BPD away besides loving them which is calling them out on their bs.

I don't know if coming back or thinking about this relationship would be a trigger for her, the "yet another relationship failed because of me" would eventually lead to a small panic attack.

Same here.  I called her out and it really pissed her off.  Although my therapist says it is just a matter of time before she tries to make contact, I think I know her well enough to say she will never try to make contact with me again.  Knowing in my mind that I will never hear from her again is helpful to me.
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learning_curve74
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« Reply #12 on: October 24, 2013, 02:09:31 PM »

BPD is a disorder driven by shame and fear of rejection.

pwBPD assuredly do NOT assume they can always come back.  That would require a sense of security, and if they had that feeling of security, their relationships wouldn't be characterized by the instability that we know so well.

The tentative nature of those overtures is an indication that they are not confident of being welcomed back.  It's a way to have deniability -- I was NOT trying to get back together! -- if the former partner proves unreceptive.

All this sounds spot on. There's a difference between getting back together romantically versus just contacting you or trying to be "friends". And I believe most pwBPD are afraid to be rejected at any of these levels.

I was the "dumper" not the "dumpee", and I am pretty sure she realizes I'm not stupid enough to get back together with her.  lol
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mitchell16
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« Reply #13 on: October 24, 2013, 05:30:16 PM »

BPD is a disorder driven by shame and fear of rejection.

pwBPD assuredly do NOT assume they can always come back.  That would require a sense of security, and if they had that feeling of security, their relationships wouldn't be characterized by the instability that we know so well.

The tentative nature of those overtures is an indication that they are not confident of being welcomed back.  It's a way to have deniability -- I was NOT trying to get back together! -- if the former partner proves unreceptive.

This exactley alomst word for word why my exBPDgf said to our therapist. On one of our reycles, she staretd texting me, i repsonded we got back togther and with in 3 weeks of being back togther she broke up with me again. we stayed apart for a month or so, recycled again. we go to therapy she tells therapist that she didnt want back with me, that by her tetxing me she didnt wnat back she was just let me know she was getting her proper medical care for a sickenss, so i wouldnt be worried abou her.
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bauers220
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« Reply #14 on: October 24, 2013, 05:35:43 PM »

Mine has never used the "hey how are you" ploy... she always did very wordy emails - long and seemingly full of wisdom and self examination.  I feel mine knows she has some issues - though she has never sought out what that means professionally... but I feel her long emails were because she DIDN'T know if I would respond.  There were times I tried not to... and she became more and more desperate...
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rags_and_feathers

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« Reply #15 on: October 24, 2013, 05:49:29 PM »

Mine knows there is no going back to any kind of relationship, I think, but she won't stop trying to engage me in hateful and abusive dialogues.  She did this with an ex-boyfriend, who remains hooked in an abusive cat-and-mouse game with her many years later, so I think that has reinforced her sense that the connection never ends.

At the moment, she's accusing me of stalking her, when in reality, she's the one engaging in stalking behaviors of me.  I want no contact ever again -- but she continues to contact me, and insist that I am obsessed with her.  It's absolute insanity.
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Breathe in, breathe out, move on..............


« Reply #16 on: October 24, 2013, 05:54:45 PM »

My ex has not tried to contact me at all. It's been over a year now. But he does do some weird stuff on FB that is meant to try and get a reaction out of me... Nope!
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blissful_camper

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« Reply #17 on: October 24, 2013, 06:26:44 PM »

Interesting posts.

I kinda figured my BPDex would never come back as I made it explicitly clear to never contact me. I also did the no.1 thing that drives a BPD away besides loving them which is calling them out on their bs.

I don't know if coming back or thinking about this relationship would be a trigger for her, the "yet another relationship failed because of me" would eventually lead to a small panic attack.

In bold. Me too.  It cuts the cord permanently.  I held nothing back when I called my ex on his b.s.  Once he knew I knew the truth, that was it. 

He knows I won't go back to him.  And I doubt he'll ever contact me again because that would be much too risky, not knowing what my reaction would be.  They prefer predictable behavior. 
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bauers220
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« Reply #18 on: October 24, 2013, 06:35:14 PM »

Interesting posts.

I kinda figured my BPDex would never come back as I made it explicitly clear to never contact me. I also did the no.1 thing that drives a BPD away besides loving them which is calling them out on their bs.

I don't know if coming back or thinking about this relationship would be a trigger for her, the "yet another relationship failed because of me" would eventually lead to a small panic attack.

In bold. Me too.  It cuts the cord permanently.  I held nothing back when I called my ex on his b.s.  Once he knew I knew the truth, that was it. 

He knows I won't go back to him.  And I doubt he'll ever contact me again because that would be much too risky, not knowing what my reaction would be.  They prefer predictable behavior. 

I have ALWAYS called her on her BS - in fact she claimed I was the ONLY one who ever saw the real her and loved her anyway... so I don't think thats a hard fast rule that they will never return... she kept coming back - called her on her BS and loved her... and return she did... over and over...
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hopealways
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« Reply #19 on: October 24, 2013, 06:43:28 PM »

I called mine on her BS - she respected me for sure about it - was speechless just stared at me. That was the last time I saw her: 6 weeks ago.
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