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Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
and Setting Limits
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Author Topic: "I Never Do Anything for Me"  (Read 441 times)
martillo
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 28 yrs; staying for now
Posts: 172



« on: November 05, 2013, 12:06:23 PM »

Really probably just a vent because I need someone who understands to hear me.  My uBPDh moves forward w projects/plans that we may or may not have discussed and may or may not have agreed to do.  Usually they are for him – he literally has 4 “man caves” on our property.  I know that this is in large part due to his constant seeking happiness and not finding it in all these things that he is just so sure will bring happiness – the ‘if only I had this, I would be happy” mentality.   Some of these projects are good and I have praised him and supported him.  Others – not so much….  We also get some sort of “new” vehicle about once a year (I have at least convinced him to get used vehicles) and new pet(s) every couple of years (which I end up taking care of) or new toy every year or so (ATVs, motorcycle, jet ski, boat, etc).  And usually, he is gung-ho and uses the heck out of whatever has been built or bought for a short while, then it sits there, gets no use and he complains because “I put in all this work and no one uses it” or “I spent all this money and no one uses it.”

First, I would like to say that we have a construction company, so he is not actually doing the labor on his building projects – he has our guys (who could be working on paying projects) do the work – he stands around supervising.  Last week he did a project.  We had discussed and agreed that would be nice to have and even sort of agreed on a location, but had not “planned” to do it (but it is common for H to start these project with little or no warning, and sometimes I don’t even know that it was a thought in his head!).  I came home from the office one day last week and wow! there it was (and is) – right in the front yard and it looked nothing like what we discussed or I envisioned and it is hideous and large!  I tried to hear him out on why it is built the way it is built and why it needed to be right in our front yard (we have almost 4 acres), but none of it made me feel better about it.  I told him it needed to go, but of course, it is still there (and will be there for years to come)and now has planters and a stone surround and ... .He really doesn’t get why I am angry or mad! 

We agreed when we bought our house several yrs ago that we would add a master suite and an additional bedroom since it is a small house.  After the 5th or 6th semi-major project (that did not add additional living space to our home), whenever he would start talking about some project, I started being very clear “That would be nice, but I don’t want to do anything else until our addition has been done.”  And then he would move forward with whatever he wanted to do anyway with or without my blessing, always with the caveat “I am doing this for me – I never do anything for me.”   I have even stopped asking for an “addition” – just add on a master suite (we have waited so long - our kids are 21, 17, 13 and 11 and we won’t need all that additional space too much longer).

Now H says he will never build addition or master suite.  I know it is one of his control and manipulate behaviors, but I have given up on it because I know that the more I ask for it and the more he knows it is something I want, the more he will use it as a punishment tool.

I am filled to the brim w resentment right now.  I am usually good at letting go of my anger and resentment (it takes too much work for me to hang on to it!), but every time I pull in our driveway, I am staring at the “beast” in our yard.  Not sure how to get past this one and I don’t even know what questions to ask for guidance in this situation.   Thanks for spending your time and reading. 

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Somewhere
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Posts: 271


« Reply #1 on: November 09, 2013, 06:29:14 PM »

Well, I suppose it is good to have the manifestation of Mental Illness right out there where you can see it.

Beats it lurking below the surface like an Iceberg.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Sorry, but crazy builder guy sounds more fun than crazy Social Worker wife who tries to play mind-games with the kids (our house).

Want to trade for a week and compare notes?  Smiling (click to insert in post)



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hergestridge
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 760


« Reply #2 on: November 10, 2013, 01:13:34 AM »

I have done my best to give my BPD wife "space" to do things for herself after she was diagnosed and started to have trouble taking care of our daughter due to her anxiety/mood swings. So she'd taken up exercise and an old hobby and I take care of the kid almost full time (we stil live together). The wife is not happier. She's bhiting (sorry) about not seeing our daughter enough and not having enough (!) time to exercise. She now also resents me for having mentioned that I may have made a sacrifice in my life (ni exercise or hobbies for me). She's just finding new ways to make me the villain.

I know I shouldn't take it personally because it's just the way she treats other people. But sometimes I wonder if it's really livable.
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Seashells
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 163



« Reply #3 on: November 10, 2013, 11:05:24 AM »

Hi Martillo,

It sounds very frustrating to not have a voice in things regarding your own home.

This is the phrase that jumped out at me from your post:

I know it is one of his control and manipulate behaviors, but I have given up on it because I know that the more I ask for it and the more he knows it is something I want, the more he will use it as a punishment tool.

It's really understandable to feel resentment over this, especially after many years.  I'm wondering if there's a way to deal with this behavior and be heard to get your own needs met with this one? 

I don't have any concrete answers, just wanted to offer some support.  It's understandable you would be frustrated.  I'm sorry you're going through this.
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martillo
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 28 yrs; staying for now
Posts: 172



« Reply #4 on: November 11, 2013, 04:44:02 PM »

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) Seashells - yes, it is frustrating!  UBPDh wants me to be "passionate" about things (especially the things he wants me to be passionate about  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)), but if I am "passionate" about something, it becomes a control device (even if it is something he wanted me to be passionate about - again  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)) - detaching has helped a lot w that.  But sometimes ... .I forget to detach  Smiling (click to insert in post) 

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) hergestridge like the flight attendants say, "put on your oxygen mask first, then help the helpless"  I know, easier said that done - I have been w/o my oxygen mask since school started this fall and I haven't had time for anything of my own due to keeping up with my kiddo's busy schedules -- does not make for a happy "non"

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) Somewhere Well, I guess there is something to be said for "wearing your underwear on the outside"  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) 

"The Beast" (as I have named the large, horrible, wooden structure in our front yard for all our neighbors and friends to "head scratch" about - and no, it is not art... .) is still there.  I have managed to dull my grrrrrr... .from a full-blown roar to a low rumble and I try to think about what archeologists will think of it eons from now when they dig it up - "Goodness, Archie!  What do you think this was used for?"  "Why, Henry!  I am sure it was a device to make 'nons' crazy?"  (Archie laughs maniacally) 
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bpbreakout
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: married
Posts: 155


« Reply #5 on: November 11, 2013, 06:04:55 PM »

Sorry in advance if this is not very constructive or realistic in your personall situation but my therapist would be telling me to focus on myself and get on with doing the things that make me happy and accept that my BPDw won't contribute very much at all towards our marriage. Basically it means I am going to have to do a lot of things I never expected to do when I first got married. I am starting to do a few more things on my own & going ahead with joint things by just letting BPDw that I am going ahead with them rather than go round in circles all the time trying to get her approval. Whilst I wouldn't be suggesting that you go ahead and arrange your house extensions entirely on your own I wonder what would happen if you quietly got a builder or bathroom specialist around to have a look at what you want to do and get a few quotes and ideas. There is no crime in it and even if it's just getting people to do quotes it could shift the marriage balance a bit. It could be better than waiting for BPDh to do something and getting endlessly frustrated when nothing happans. It may shake him up a bit.
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SoftLanding

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« Reply #6 on: November 14, 2013, 10:53:13 AM »

but I have given up on it because I know that the more I ask for it and the more he knows it is something I want, the more he will use it as a punishment tool.

I deal with this all the time... .whether it's an engagement ring (we've been engaged for 2 years), a cat, home decor, a trip to visit my family back home, etc, etc.  The things I really want are so out of reach... .to the point that they are triggers.

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martillo
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 28 yrs; staying for now
Posts: 172



« Reply #7 on: November 15, 2013, 05:21:36 PM »

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) Bpbreakout  your comments are very realistic and constructive - I learned a long time ago that if I want or need something done for me, I will need to figure out how to accomplish it and make it happen.  HOWEVER, when I do, I either get lots of snarky comments from the peanut section (uBPDh) or he suddenly takes over and what I am trying or want to accomplish becomes the way he wants it done. 

Couple of examples:  one of H's go-to "put-downs" is "you would think that as a woman, you would want to: be a stay at home mom, make and hang curtains, do pretty things, fill in any stereotypical woman's job... ." but when we were first married, he asked me if I had the oil changed in my car.  "no, aren't you going to do that?"  "No, I don't have time, I am too busy, you need to take care of these things, I can't be everywhere at once, and on and on... ."  Hmmm... .so I took car to one of those quick, easy-in, easy-out, no appointment places that changes the oil, vacuums the interior, cleans the windshield and (this was a while back) it cost $25.  "What?  You could have gone to the local service station and had it done for $10! You are so stupid, so lazy, so... .on and on and on"  Since then, I have made sure that service is done for the vehicle I drive, new tires when needed, took care of contacting insurance company, all the estimates, getting it to the shop and repaired after a recent fender bender (I was not at fault, the other driver's insurance paid, but I got an earful for how stupid I was for how I handled it all)

Recently, youngest 2 kiddos wanted their rooms "done" - so I got a paint fan deck, let them pick colors (which are blindingly bright), ran the colors by H, ordered paint, H talked to our painter and painter came, did some sheetrock repairs, painted - I shopped and got new bedding, a few new things for the walls and hung those up - kids happy... .  Since then H always brings up the "hideous" colors that I allowed kids to pick and how terrible I am for allowing them to "just do whatever they want." 

H enclosed our garage several years ago, and it became a gathering spot for all the clutter, so I decided to clean it out and make it a study area, play area for the kids after about 3 years of clutter gathering.  It is right off the kitchen-a perfect spot for me to keep an eye on and be available should kids need help in the evening... .1 day into cleaning out clutter, H gets a crew involved and voila within 2 weeks, we have a new "master bedroom" - right off the kitchen on one side and laundry room on the other - no privacy, a large walk in closet for him (I share closet space with DD11 in her bedroom - not a walk-in, by the way)

Most of the time, I "just keep swimming, just keep swimming"  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)  but I have a hard time w H's attitude of "I never do anything for me."

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) Softlanding Choose the things that are important to you - visiting family is one of mine - and put up that boundary - "I will be respectful of your wishes, and you are welcome to participate if you like, but I will visit my family x,y, and z."  The rest of the stuff, yes, I get frustrated and angry about, but I usually let go pretty quickly because it is just that - stuff.   
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