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Author Topic: Trying to evaluate things objectively  (Read 363 times)
nitric9

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: divorced
Posts: 5


« on: December 04, 2013, 10:27:48 PM »

Here's my original intro post: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=212721.msg12337422#msg12337422

Things seem to have gotten more and more confusing with my BPD SO. Since my first post we had tried to work on things more, he had gotten on Xanax to try and control his anger and he also got testosterone prescribed to him because his was ridiculously low. Things were going without as much struggle, and he seemed to be trying his best to please me in the relationship and make things work. Except for a couple of problems. During this period I had trouble completely forgiving him for how he acted in the past. I love him but I no longer find all his jokes so funny or completely trust things he says or does due to how he acted during our separation period. He seemed constantly upset that I didn't just magically turn back in to the woman he fell in love with. I feel like I may never feel the same way about him again since I now know what he's capable of. I've kept busy with school, planning for the baby and making time for friends, which made him jealous. I understand my part in not helping the relationship along because of these things but I don't know if I can change how I feel. We get in arguments and he'll tell me how I'm not acting as loving as I could or how he can never make me happy. I do have high expectations, maybe too high. I want to have a certain lifestyle, finish college, have a happy home life with our daughter, a good job, a family environment, etc. Due to his job as an artist and who he is in general, he is still in the mode that partying and concerts are a priority. I like those things fine but more as an addition to life and not a way of life. He lost his job a couple weeks ago due partly to his BPD issues interfering with work and that was a huge blow to his esteem and also prevented us from moving out of a horrible house in a bad neighborhood that I did not want to have a baby in. I have other friends who have gone through similar relationship issues with the fathers of their children and all of them seem happier out of the situation. Not to mention that after months of him being incredibly emotionally abusive during my pregnancy I can't help but think about how good my life used to be with my last boyfriend who I left for practically no reason (interestingly enough my SO has always been jealous of the ex even though initially I never gave him a second thought) and how my life could be normal again if only I get out of this situation.

After getting tired of the constant fighting I decided maybe we're too different and I chose to separate for a while. This lasted 4 days or so of him being absolutely emotionally distant, and hostile, threatening to immediately find someone else, accusing me of cheating, violating my privacy by breaking into my phone after he promised never to do it again (and he's the one who's slept with others during my pregnancy) threatening to move across the country to his home state and him spending every day and night drinking, smoking weed and going out, I couldn't stop thinking of how sad it's going to be to raise our baby without him and him not be there when she's born, etc. So I started getting depressed and talking to him again which ended up with me coming to see him for a night. He begged me to come home but I'm still not sure what the "right" thing to do is. Stay and sacrifice things that are important to me (doesn't want me to leave to take internships for my school etc.) to cater to him and keep our family together or leave and risk never seeing him again and him just abandoning our daughter? I told him this the next day and he got very upset. I wanted to come home to him because I miss him and love him but I also want to be happy. We had a Dr. appointment which we went to together and I didn't have anything with me to come stay (although I was genuinely planning to) so he started ranting about it which of course irritated me because I can't just say "I'm planning to stay don't worry" and have it be better. He just went on and on. Through the appointment he was distant and visibly upset. He told the doctor that he wouldn't be going to any more baby appointments with me and after we left got more and more out of control. Things just spiraled downward from there. Straight to hell. I told him I'm sick of him acting like that and I wasn't staying the night.  He started ripping my keys out of the car, driving the car off with his keys after I got out to avoid him, grabbing the shifter as I drove, saying hurtful things about how he hopes I die and how he wants to break my car since he bought it for me, jumping out of the moving car, threatening suicide, begging me to just stop and fix it and "chill out" which... .during this whole episode all I could do was try to remain calm and tell him that I wasn't talking right now and I just wanted to go home. It just got worse from there. There was grabbing me to try to get me to listen, and I told him he's hurting me and he's just begging me to stay with him (mind you I wasn't really saying anything back other than that I didn't want to talk for the night) accidentally hitting my head into the car by forcefully kissing me goodbye (because he's going to kill himself) continually threatening suicide even after I told him I'd have to call first call for help if he kept on, threatening to call them on me to get me back, taking my phone, driving like a maniac with me in the car because he wants to kill us (and I'm 6 months pregnant so I just put on my seatbelt... .) following me to my friends house even though I threatened to call the cops if he did, kicking my car, took his van and crashed "lightly" into my car, and at the very end actually kicked toward me (although he missed) and proceeded to spit in my face... .The most despicable thing that anyone has done to date... .I finally got the hell out of there and went to my family's house where I'm now staying. The whole ride home he's BEGGING me to stay with him on the phone and all night, FB IMs and texts begging me to stay with him and come home that night and how sorry he is and how he would make it up to me. But he's told me before he would change. And when things are good he has, but when things aren't good he's gotten incrementally worse over time. I would never think that he would do anything like he did last night. Now he's just feeling bad for himself and talking about how maybe we shouldn't be together and he should just move cross country. It just really sucks ass. Because I don't want him to just leave and never see our kid again or maybe ever since she's not born yet. Part of why he's thought of moving is financial, but another part is him running with his tail between his legs because he feels like a "failure" after losing his job and now me. I've told him I don't think he's a failure but I do think he needs help. Part of me wants to come home because I don't know if he'll get help without me. I'm the only person who's really stuck around in his life (not surprisingly). He's told me he'll go to counseling if we're together but I can't help but feel like he needs to be responsible and change for himself and not just for me. But I've been wishing for a long time that he would just "grow up" and realize he's having a kid and needs to take responsibility for himself and that hasn't worked because I don't think he knows how.  I feel really bad for him. The thing he "wants more than anything in the world" me, and a family, is the thing he's systematically destroyed. I love him and I don't want him to hurt. But I also don't want to consider his family cycle of violence and subject our daughter to that and I can't just let myself be abused and do nothing about it. I'm scared, confused and mostly just sad. And I'm worried that I'm going to just give in again and end up back at square 1 because I can't seem to stay away either.
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Seashells
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 163



« Reply #1 on: December 06, 2013, 12:59:22 AM »

Hi Nitric,

I read through your post twice, and your original post.   I'm so sorry you're going through this.  This would be an awful lot of things for anyone to deal with.  I can't say I've been in exactly the same shoes, but I can relate to some of the experiences and uncertainty.

Many of the thoughts and experiences have been shared by others here as well.  You aren't alone in having those thoughts and feelings.  

I hope you can take a deep breathe and realize you don't need to have all the answers today.  

It really, really is concerning that he's taking actions that are seriously dangerous to you and your unborn child.  For yourself and your child I hope you can perhaps come up with a plan for your safety.  

These are some links about evaluating emotional abuse and Domestic Violence and has much information and tips.  

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61403.0

We aren't supposed to advise others what to do, yet I can't help but say I hope you will strongly consider refusing to get into a car with him again at this point.  At least until you are comfortable that things are in a better place either way.

You mentioned staying with family, do you feel supported through your family?  

All of the things you said about trusting him and your feelings about not being over things yet are valid and many of us have had those feelings as well.   I wonder though if those are things you can give yourself some time to figure out?  

Also, the suicide threats.  I wouldn't worry about him calling them on you if you feel the call needs to be made.  There is information here that may help you:

https://bpdfamily.com/discussions/search-info3.htm#others  

I had to make a boundary well understood with my pwBPD on this issue.  I sent him information for "soft help" mental health lines.  I told him I'd do what I could to help him, but that I wasn't qualified for dealing with suicide threats and if he felt that badly and expressed a desire to harm himself I would need to call for help.  

Others with more experience will probably have more to add, I just wanted to acknowledge your post and give what help I could.

Keep posting.   It takes a little bit of time for responses when there's much to consider.  

There's a lot of good reading on the right as well ---------->

I hope you are well.  
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nitric9

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: divorced
Posts: 5


« Reply #2 on: December 06, 2013, 10:25:55 PM »

Seashells,

Thank you for taking the time to read all that. Looking at it now I'm realizing how much I actually wrote in such a short time! It seems like so much has happened in this past year over my relationship with my SO. It started out as this great thing and just descended straight into hellish madness. I read this quote that says “I think hell is something you carry around with you. Not somewhere you go.” and that pretty much sums up a lot of what I've felt during this process.

I've thought about everything from the other night a lot and I've realized that his violence has really escalated over time. I can't live like that. But it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. He's been texting me telling me how sad he is and how he'll always love me and feel terrible for screwing up so bad and how he feels like a failure and is thinking of moving away. I told him he's not a failure but that he needs to realize the gravity of the situation and how he could have hurt or killed me or our baby the other night and he needs to seek outside help. When he's sorry he admits that he probably has BPD but now he's frustrated that I won't "come home and fix things" (I can't just move back in unless I saw that he was making change and progress on his own to be a better man) and he's denying it again and telling me that he would go to counseling if I was there with him because I apparently have serious issues too and need medication... .and he's switched in a matter of hours from being sorry and loving me forever to telling me that he never loved me and it's my fault that our family won't work because I don't love or want him (evidenced because I won't just move back in) and that he's just going to "get over me" and that he's going out tonight. It's really really hard to sit here and know that the best thing to do is just let him go and do his thing when it does make me jealous to know that he's probably out finding other women and it does hurt to hear that he doesn't care and doesn't love me. But I guess making me feel bad makes him feel better. And in the end I can just hope that someday he'll get help and realize that he really messed up. But it sucks to know that that day may never come.
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