I think my Wife has BPD, I need help coping and dealing with it..

[bpdsupport]

December 24, 2013, 03:38:57 PM » Quote 

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Hello,

My wife and I have been married for over five years and we have two children. The past five years of my life have been a roller-coaster. She has filed for divorce three times and each time I have begged her to stay in the relationship and gave in to all her demands. When we don’t agree on something, she screams loud, insult my family and I and blame me for everything and when I try to speak, she tells me to stop or else she'll call the police and make false accusation that I am verbally abusing her. I have lost all my friends because of her trust issues.  She believes that all men are cheaters lairs  including her own father. She always had an excuse to make sure I don’t go to the gym. I have stopped going to the gym. She always wanted to know all my passwords and I gave them to her but she still doesn’t trust me.  I have never cheated on her and always been faithful to her.

My family has limited their contact with us as my wife always has an issue with everything.  She blames me and my family for everything and when I say her allegations are not legitimate, she says that I take my family’s side and I don’t love her and support her and says very awful and disrespectful things to me and my family.  She says that if care about her,  I should stop talking to my family. I am not allowed to take my kids to my family’s house because she feels that they don’t respect her.

About three year ago when things got extremely bad and that’s when I started noticing her childish behavior and was about to leave her,  she told me that she was sexually abused when she was a child(which she later denied saying)  and tried committing suicide as an adult(her mother confirmed this)

As she says, she is been to psychiatric therapy by herself all her life.  We tried couples therapy but that was unsuccessful as she wasn’t being honest with the therapist. All she did was lying to proof herself right

She always tells me that I am selfish, uncaring, and emotionless …... and I don’t love her  and everything I do for her is fake  and I am putting a show on for others.  She makes me feel like I am not good enough

Anyhow to make the story short, she claims I am the issue with everything and comes up with rules and agreements which she can’t deliver and blame everything on me again. It’s so exhausting.  Recently she told me to quit your job because it requires traveling; with an ultimatum that if I don’t do it, she will ask for divorce. (Last year I only traveled twice. Once for one night and the second time she and the kids drove with me. )

Recently, she told me that she stopped taking her medication a month a half ago (she was prescribed medication by her psychologist). This was also one of the things on our agreement list that I always have to be aware of her medication status.

There are so much more to say…... She makes it seem like she’s always the victim. So last week I did some research on the internet on “how to deal with people who play victim” and read about personality disorders which lead me to think she is suffering from BPD.  I bought the book, Stop Walking on Eggshells, and I am half way through it and now I am so positive she has BPD.

We have two kids and I don’t know what to do…. I hope I get some support here... Thank you all.

I am so exhausted …


Reply #3 on: December 25, 2013, 11:30:17 PM » Quote 

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Thank you for your support. I usually get the kids away from the situation, take them to another room, out for a walk etc. .

Last night I told my wife the signs I see in my her behavior during the last five years we've been married and she completely denied everything.  She has a shield of self-defense, not even trying to see or hear me. I told her that I am not saying that she has any kind of PD and I am just saying that I been seeing some behaviors and if she can at least consider listening to me but it completely backfired.

She slept until almost noon today. When she woke up, she didn't want to do anything with the kids and I. I got the kids ready twice but she didn't allow me to take them out either. She finally got ready around 5pm and still kept telling me that she feels like I told her she's crazy and that I told her that she has PD. I told her that wasn't what I said. She kept yelling loud while we were driving with the kids. I told her we shouldn't talk like this in front of the kids she kept yelling and screaming and told me to stop talking to her. I stopped talking and that's when she started yelling at our kids telling them to shut the hell up. I asked her if she wants to go with kids by herself or if it was okay if I only went out with the kids(to avoid her screaming in front of the kids) but she kept screaming loud so I parked the car in a public parking lot and got out of the car. She got out too telling me to take care of the kids and she's leaving but as soon as I walked back towards the car, she came back too and cussed me out and told me not to come to the house and that I am not welcomed to our house. And that I should drop off the house key. She also said that she will call the police and make false accusation against me. She kept harassing and threatened me by calling me and over SMS. I told her again that I never said that she's crazy or has PD  and that I am not qualified to say that and repeated that I am only telling her what I have been seeing in her behavior. But she keeps threatening me and harassing me. I tried going to her parents home but they weren't home so I came to my parents(which is an hour drive) but I did call her parents and let them know what happened. I am about to go back home and I hope that she has calmed down and please wish me luck

Thank you all for your support

Reply #5 on: Yesterday at 06:52:59 PM » Quote 

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Dec 26, 2013 at 9am

Thank you so much for your support. I am going to move to Staying Board. I read the Emergency section of this site and as of now I just finished reading Stop Walking on Eggshells and going back to the chapters in the book where it advises on how to react in different situations.

When I came home last night, she had calmed down and so I expressed my feeling to her and went to sleep(I couldn't really sleep all night).

This morning, She started screaming and yelling loud again because I changed my personal email password(I did that last night). I told her that I feel threatened and take what happened the day before very seriously and assured her that I'll give her my personal email password when things calm down between us. I kept saying that she shouldn't yell at me but she didn't listen. She took the house key from me and told me that I am not allowed in the house again. I pretty much begged her to stop yelling but she screamed louder and told me that she doesn't care about what I say and the kids and her don't need me anymore so I should get out of the house.

She demands the info about the support group I joined(this site). She accuses me of "meeting a women who fills up my ears with all these crap." She says that I have met a women and not a support group. I got dressed and left for work(where I am now)

Thank you for all your support

Reply #7 on: Yesterday at 08:21:45 PM » Quote 

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Thank you for your support. I totally agree with you and I have read horrible stories about divorce and child custody etc... at this point, my choice is to cope and  learn as much as possible about every option there is ... .but with my number one choice being to stay with her... .I am also planning to document everything which is so exhausting and a full-time job...

We’ve been texting today and it seems positive so far. The book, Stop Walking on Eggshells, teaches great tips on how to cope with this.

I am planning on going to back home tonight and hopefully she lets me in and if not I’ll have to go to my wife's parents or my parents who lives an hour away from our home.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cloudy Days]

You are in the right place, you listed so many things that I could have written word for word. My husband also started accusing me of seeing someone because I was acting differently when I found the information on this site. Said that someone was filling my head with these idea's to mess with his head.

Validation is your best friend. there are a few things you should stay away from when talking to your wife that can avoid you making things worse. Don't tell her how she should or shouldn't feel, that is invalidating and will just escalate things. Getting into the habit of Validating everyone around you will give you great practice and make it more natural when in the line of fire with your wife. Read as much as you can on this site, the lessons are very helpful and can give you the tools to start changing your life for the better. It's a long and very hard road but it's worth it. 

You had said something about telling her she shouldn't yell at you... .I have tried to wipe this word out of my vocabulary as well as a few others that are very invalidating and it makes for a much more peaceful life.

[bpdsupport]

12-26-13 8pm

When I got home last night, while parking my car, I got an SMS from my wife saying that yesterday morning she acted out of emissions taking the house key away from me and telling me not to come home.  She gave me the key back. I thanked her for acknowledging that.  I told her that I do see the good in her and I love her and I want a healthy great relationship with her and that we need to sit healthy limits with respect and that I am want respect and peace.

After she gave me the house key, I picked up the kids from her parents’ house and came home while she went grocery shopping

I fed the kids. My wife came home .  While I was working from home(this is very rare, almost never), she was having a hard time putting the kids to sleep. They wanted me to put them to sleep as I do every night. I take the kids to brush their teeth, take them to their bed, sit next to their crib, tell them a story and say good night.  That’s the routine.

Everything seemed okay for 3 hours. After that she started demanding for my email password. I told her that I take what happend the last few days very seriously and I still dont feel conformtable sharing my personal email passwrod with her, for now. I offered to login and show her my email but she refused and demanded the passwrod.

I asked her calmly if we can talk at another time as I we are both tired and should get some rest but she insisted on arguing.  She argued with me for couple of hours.   Moving from one subject to another telling me  how unhappy she is and it’s all because she is with me. I answered each question clearly and calmly. I listened and told her I am taking the discussion very seriously but she kept saying that she sees a smirk on my face and all negative emotions…. I stayed positive the whole time and reinstated all her concerns and told her that I am here and listening and acknowledging her concerns.

She was very distracted, moving from one subject to another (saying things like she’ll trash my computer table etc… completely off the subject), was personnel attacking me, I felt like she wanted me to get mad and show some type of negative emotion and to project her feelings to me.  But I did not allow it by telling her that it's okay to feel unhappy sometimes and that it's normal to get mad.  She said I am not showing any type of emotions. So I asked her what type of emotion am I expected to show? And then she told me that you are emotionless …  This is very hard and stressful. I excused myself to get some water and to use the restroom(I needed a break so bad)

At the end when I said we are both very tired and need to sleep, she told me to go sleep on the couch and that's what I did.

[bpdsupport]

Thank you all for your support. I haven’t slept well for sometime now. I feel like she is sleep depriving me, punishing me for stating that I see some PD in her during the last five years of our marriage. She has done this before over and over until i gave in to her demands. How do people in this situation cope with this? When things get really hard, do you leave for a night or two to a friends or parents’ house to get some rest? I haven’t been eating right either.

[Seneca]

what she was doing is called an "extinction burst" i believe. when you change your response to them, they friggin lose it and double down their efforts to try and get a rise out of you. you must stand firm - keep validating her and showing you are listening. that passive, emotionless face is hard to master. it does come off as a smirk to my SO too. she will do this for a while, but eventually she will learn that you are there and are not going to leave her, but will not play the games anymore and she will give up on them somewhat (hopefully).

take care of yourself and your kids. and i suggest having spare house keys,car keys, emergency cash etc. myself, i would not leave if he demanded i leave. i would stay. my attitude is: "rage. beat me up (i'll report it). kill yourself. or YOU leave."

[bpdsupport]

Thank you. That makes so much sense. Sometimes she woudnt stop the Distortion Campaign for countless hours, sleep deprive me until I give in. I'll keep validating. I asked her if i'll be able to sleep in my bed tonight because I am very tired and i need to sleep and take care of myself in order to take care of her the kids. first she wouldnt reply and just say do what you have to do and after i rephrased myself three times(in the nicest ways possible), she replies, "Yes, i give you the permission to sleep in the bed tonight" I at work, she's out and the kids are with a baby sitter. I dont even want to ask where she is because I dont want to deal with her saying i am controling and start arguing again tonight. It's so tiring

[Nonamouse]

I am so sorry for you and I've been there. Sleep deprivation is one of the hardest things to deal with because it's tough to maintain your composure and sanity when you're tired and you've got a deranged person going off on you.

That "smirk" seems to be a common refrain in posts here. I am often accused of having that look, or rolling my eyes, or nor responding/responding with the wrong tone. Most often it's when she's in the "you hate me" mode, after she's behaved rather badly and is feeling ashamed about it. While people with normal emotions might be contrite or nicer in this situation, shame brings out dysregulation/rage in my pwBPD. She begins accusing me of not wanting to be in the relationship. It's frustrating, because she just acted like a complete a-hole and then doubles down with equal doses of self-righeousness and omniscience. They really do feel justified in all the garbage they throw out at you. But it doesn't make it right.

It could be that my expression is different - I've tried to master not personalizing the attacks, staying calm, and validating without fighting back. When I changed to this approach, it helped and I got an extinction burst around it. She said I wasn't treating her like a human, I was just using the books I read to make her feel mentally ill. In calmer moments, I have explained that I had to depersonalize the attacks and she shouldn't expect me to fight back anymore.

It's seems to help. But if it doesn't get progressively better I may be switching boards.

[bpdsupport]

Thank you, Nonamouse. That's exactly what it is. I couldn't have put it bette.

12-28-2013

She came home last night around 11:30pm. She was telling me about how bad I do/did/doing. I answered calmly and directly and went to sleep.

This morning she wakes up in a bad mood again. Distortion  Campaign. Accusing me of trying to sabotaging her relationship with our baby sitter.  Attacking me, I kept validating...

She left the house for work and called me and asked me not to sleep in our bed again. I said I live in this house I deserve to sleep in my bed. Then she says to buy a bigger bed so I can sleep in it. Then she said she wants out. I told her those decisions should be made when one is very calm. Then she got louder attacking and telling me how bad of a person I am and that she's unhappy because of me and telling me to find a new place to live. I said I live here, this is my house and I am not going anywhere. (I am the primary provider in the house but I am not on the lease. She did this six months ago, moved, she wanted to live close to her parents to be happy and I gave in to her other demands as well to be in the relationship )  She's getting mad because I keep validating and not fighting back. She said that she'll make sure that her parents won't let me go to their house(that's if she kicks me out of our house again)

30 minutes of garbage went on... .Then she hanged up on me ... .

[bpdsupport]

I keep validating and she keeps attacking me and being verbaly abusive... .I feel sick to my stomach and keep validating... .It's exhausting how do you keep up with this?

[Imherenow]

Dear BPDsupport,

Your situation sounds similar to my own ... .I've just recently realized my wife may be an uBPD.  I've had many of the same situations as you describe above ... .we've been married for 15 years and have two young children.

I personally find validating extremely hard.  Inside I'm screaming "NO, NO, this is all wrong!", but outside I'm trying not to invalidate and trying to find what is valid.  Remember that you are not trying to validate the invalid.  My problem is that when I'm trying to validate and she's yelling at me, I see problems with everything she says, so when I try to validate, it might come off as condescending.

Remember also that it is about setting boundaries.  It is not okay for her to do things that would be unacceptable for anyone else to do.  You need to not only set boundaries, but also clearly communicate to her what those boundaries are, and then stick to the boundaries.

Hope this helps ... .get yourself help from a therapist if at all possible.

[bpdsupport]

Thank you for your support, Imherenow. I am trying to set boundries. She punishes me and plays games constently. It's been a littler over five years and I feel like it keeps getting worse

12.28.2013

Last night, I asked her to watch a movie with me on Netflix and she said no. One of our daughters  was not sleeping well and I took care of her 5 times. She helped once. I tried cuddling in bed and she moved away.

12.29.2013

This morning she woke up in a bad mood again, why is the house a mess? Screaming at our child, "this is B.S", "the house is a fu…. Mess."  My  4-year-old daughter told her not to talk to her that way and not use bad words. She came to me and told me that Mommy shouldn't talk to her that way and she's only a kid. I got up and helped my daughter cleaning her toys.

Later, she was brushing our daughters’ hair and they were giving her a hard time so she started banging the brush on the kitchen counter and screaming loud about why I didn't brush our daughters’ hair the right way when I gave them a bath the day before. I stepped in and took over and validated. She left the house for couple of hours.

When she came back, we all went  ice-skating along with the baby sitter


After I put the kids to sleep, I told my wife that when I feel attacked and verbally & emotionally abused, I am no longer going to argue, I am detaching myself and not taking it personal. She got really mad and told me that we are roommates from now on and I can't sleep in our bed anymore. I spoke to her for an hour using very simple words, being positive, clear, and never used the “You” word.  She doesn't like it when I speak logic. She started crying and blamed me for everything again same stuff and that she wants out. I told her that I feel that she is really unhappy and I feel so much negative emotions being expressed. 

I am so tired of her making me feel that I am not good enough for her. When I speak logic she starts manipulating, plays games, and tell me she wants out.

She's unhappy. She doesn't want to sleep in the bed next to me and She is asking me to sleep on the couch. I asked her why she told me not to sleep in our the bed  after I told her that when she attacks and being verbally abusive to me I disengage myself and not taking it personally anymore, her answer changed so many times from being  unhappy to recent back pain, not enough room in the bed and that we need a bigger bed, to back pain for the last five years that she just discovered, and then to she feels disgusted sleeping next me, and finally to that's what roommates do.

The conversation ended with her insulting me verbally and kicking me out of the bedroom and I sleeping on the couch

12.30.12 morning

She wakes up the next morning acting like nothing happened and everything is okay

This is how she makes me feel :

She makes me feel like no matter how good I do, she'll never feel that I love her and will always think that I will leave her.  She always finds an excuse by revising the facts so her feelings make sense.  She makes me feel like I am not good enough for her and will never be...

She feels empty, alone and afraid most of the time. Her actions speak so loud and clear…

I feel like she fills her emptiness with anything that feels good at the moment, praise, power, money, approval and sympathy.  And  to get those things, she manipulates, attacks, and then plays victim. I feel like she she's protecting herself from being hurt by attacking then playing the victim and then run away…