If you could start over, would you still marry your BPD?

[Proud_Dad]

Simple answer... . no. I love my children more than anything in this world and would lay down my life for them in a second. I will never regret having my children, its who I had them with that is the problem. I love my uBPDgf very much, but knowing then what I know now... . no, i would trun and run.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Foreverhopefull]

Yes. We`ve been together for almost 20 years.

In my case, it was love at first sight. After talking for half the night, our lives were stuck together forever. So for me not to marry him, I would need to have never met him.

I would however find a way to have him meet a therapist faster and try to skip the violence that brought him to seek help.

My life with him as been a constant learning curve, filled with moments that tested my faith and my love for him, but I have also many many moments of pure joy, love and passion with him.

He`s on a good path to a better life right now (by better life I mean: a better understanding of what goes on in his head, a better control of his emotions, better reactions to his darker moments, etc.), I have a better life too, life in general is more often than not happy for us.

[Perez]

Very difficult question.  Funny because my BPD wife has told me more than a few times that she would not marry me if she had it to do over again, that I have changed and was not the man she married.  Wow, is that hard to take.

She has asked me the same question and I have never taken the bait.

I am going to side ever so slightly on yes, we have some wonderful children, my faith has grown enormously, I am stronger in many ways, yet need to shed so many co-dependent attitudes.  This is my cross.

[PaulaJeanne]

Yes, tough question. Every marriage has problems. I think if I had it to do over again, I probably wouldn't. One of the things I would do is vet the family. I should never have married into a family with mental illness all over it. It really wasn't logical to bring children into such a family. I love my wonderful children, but they all have anxiety disorders, and my youngest is diagnosed BPD.

Now I see the cycle. My daughters are all with partners (all male) who have baggage. One partner has a deadbeat, gay, alcoholic father who has been absent from the family since his children were toddlers. The middle one and his father both strike me as "sexual-orientation is ambiguous". My youngest BPD is with a guy who was adopted by a nice enough woman who's a hoarder who is divorced from the adoptive father (a registered sex offender), and whose biological mother was a crack addict who committed suicide.

I think I would vote in favor of selective breeding

[Tayto]

Im fascinated by this site, I came on to find others with BPD but in my perspective it seems like a site that just outlines the negitive side of BPD and how people can rant about their spouses.

Im married to a wonderful woman, I have BPD and yes over the years I gave my wife some hard times, I know plenty of non BPD'S that gave their wifes hell.

because of my BPD I run my own business,  I can make decisions without remorse as I can shut my emotions off.over the years ive employed and 4 people.  Ive giving over 20,000 to charity.

I asked my wife this question as its for non BPD'S,  her reply was.

im caring, understanding,  honest and thoughtful towards others, we have a beautiful home a d we are not in need for money because of my hard work. She knows and feels safe that I will have her back.

I would not marry anyone but my wife as she gets me,

She once quoted my mother who asked her 12years ago to leave me, her reply was

"You dont see what I see, but one day you will and you will see your true son"

today my mother is proud of me as I no longer have the traits of BPD.

[Mazda]

Im fascinated by this site, I came on to find others with BPD but in my perspective it seems like a site that just outlines the negitive side of BPD and how people can rant about their spouses.

Im married to a wonderful woman, I have BPD and yes over the years I gave my wife some hard times, I know plenty of non BPD'S that gave their wifes hell.

because of my BPD I run my own business,  I can make decisions without remorse as I can shut my emotions off.over the years ive employed and 4 people.  Ive giving over 20,000 to charity.

I asked my wife this question as its for non BPD'S,  her reply was.

im caring, understanding,  honest and thoughtful towards others, we have a beautiful home a d we are not in need for money because of my hard work. She knows and feels safe that I will have her back.

I would not marry anyone but my wife as she gets me,

She once quoted my mother who asked her 12years ago to leave me, her reply was

"You dont see what I see, but one day you will and you will see your true son"

today my mother is proud of me as I no longer have the traits of BPD.

Keezie1, congratulations on leading a better life, despite your illness.  Please understand that BPD is a spectrum, each person is individual and so the fact that you are able to have a happy marriage and make your mother proud does not mean that every person with BPD can do the same.  I say this as a sufferer of a mental illness myself.  I have bipolar and believe I am capable of having a normal life with moods that can be contained with proper treatment, however, there are a lot of people out there with bipolar who wouldn't be able to say the same as their illness is unique to them and they may not have the same resources or willingness to accept help from resources that I do. 

Also, BPD affects interpersonal relationships.  This site is not a BPD bashing site.  If that was the case then there would not be a staying board, there would only be a leaving board.  It caters for all stages of a relationship and all types of interpersonal relationships.  Relationships have two people (or more) involved.  Understanding that BPD causes a lot of pain to loved ones, as I am sure you are aware, will help you see that we also should be able to support one another.  Frankly, I don't come here to BPD bash.  I come here to speak to others who have had similar experiences, similar feelings and are able to understand what I have been through.  I try to learn from others to make sense of a lot of painful things that happened to me.  I would not get offended by a site which supports loved ones of bipolar, because I understand that my disorder also affects my loved ones, and nowhere near the degree that BPD does.  I also think saying that nons also have marriage issues grossly does a disservice to the experiences we have all had.  The truth is, the majority of nons do not mistreat their partners, whereas the opposite is true of those with BPD.

Once again, congratulations on your progress so far. 

[Turkish]

 to echo what others have said,  I'd never give up our wonderful kids.  my situation is similar to maxen's.  she ended it  by stopping the mirroring of me and mirrored basically a  kid,  immature even for his early 20s  age.  the lying,  cheating in the end, I  think this would have been inevitable.  even but for that,  always a  loadedr/s.  leaving aside the bad things at the end, I  could deal with her depression.  but the constant WoE?  Even knowing what I  now know to make things better.  no, I  don't want a r/s  with a  child who also had  queen tendencies.  if she were diagnosed and in treatment, I  would have loved her enough to stay and work with her and on myself to make it better.  in the end,  she's made the choice for me.  no recycles,  even though I  expect one some time after she moves out.

[findingmyselfagain]

I didn't marry either because she painted me black after (first visible sign) our wedding shower. I was in love and would have stuck around for counseling, but she never even gave us a chance. Somewhere deep in her heart I think she knew how terrible she is in relationships and knew that she would really hurt.

In hindsight, I think I would still have give a r/s a chance with her, even knowing what I know now. I would've pushed for counseling from the beginning. She had only been divorced a month when we started dating, and it was her second divorce at a young age. Those should have been some major red flags, and I remember being pretty concerned but I charged ahead anyway. Anytime I asked about counseling she would say that we talked about everything. I wish I had recognized just how insecure/who she really was.

But the question I have to ask myself is why would I want to love someone so difficult? I've become comfortable with women who are relatively drama-free. I'm not so sure I would go back for another round with her, but my boundaries are definitely much stronger than they were. I would have handled the relationship much differently. My guess is the relationship may have ended even sooner, but it may have also grown stronger. Who knows?

[Turkish]

But the question I have to ask myself is why would I want to love someone so difficult?

Exactly. And a huge reason we got into these relationships in the first place.that is squarely on us.

[joethemechanic]

it seems like a site that just outlines the negitive side of BPD and how people can rant about their spouses.

Yeah I picked up on that vib a bit too, and I'm a non. But then again, you "BPDs" are a bit "quirky" at times, kinda like flying a *Beechcraft Bonanza is a little quirky

I'm not married to my BPDgf, but we have been on and off for 30 years and I gave her a ring a couple of months back. So I guess my answer would have to be "Yes".



* V tailed doctor killer

[Tayto]

One thing is for sure we are far from boring

[PaulaJeanne]

Keezie who is BPD doesnt really belong on this site. We're not here to rant about our SO's, we are here for support. We all agree there are many good things about our pwBPDs but BPDs have issues that make them difficult to deal with. We aren't here to defend the reactions we have to the challenges we face/ We are here to bond with others who face the same challenges.

You cant spin BPD into a good thing. It's not good for the sufferer nor is it good for the significant other. We'd all be much better off if no one was mentally ill.

Kudo's for those of us trying to improve our relationship with a borderline partner. For those of us who are trying to heal & get over it... best to you all. Life shouldn't be this hard.

[Tayto]

Paula, I never said anyone on this site was boring,  people that deal with people with BPD are never bored.

im not trying to defend anyone, im giving my experiences with BPD as ive seen them.i dint for one moment underestimate the suffering anyone goes through nor is it my intentions to belittle anyones experience of an abusive partner.im here to share my experiences and how I overcame BPD because I know not everyone gets over it.

out of a class of 12 people,  im the only one signed off. Out of them 12, I experienced the most abuse. The reason im fascinated about this is, its nothing to do with how much abuse a BPD got as a child but there outlook at it. I see this as something that I don't need or want,  in Ireland you can go on state benifit for life with this condition. I work full time. Life is a choice as I see it, yes its hard and at times you would wish it was all over . But these are the cards that are dealt.

[Edelweiss]

I have thought about this hypothetical many, many times. I nearly always conclude, very solidly, that I would NOT marry her, if I could do it all over again. Have there been good times--even great times? Sure. But the bad has been SO BAD, WAY too frequently and for WAY too long. I am a strong person emotionally and have become even stronger because of all of this, but I still do not like the journey one bit. Though I am capable of continuing, sometimes I am not sure I want to continue to subject myself to it--just tired of it all. No matter how much I learn or how well I deploy the tools I learn, the outcomes are never certain and the best that can ever be hoped for is a tenuous, uneasy peace (from her side--I could hit the reset button immediately and forgive and move past it all, if she would/could).

So, whether advising my past self or someone else, today I'd say run far and fast. Don't look back.

[slimmiller]

Unequivocal and absolutely NOT.

Yes I have three lovely and beautiful children as a result of it and also many more years of Hell and trying to raise them because of it (BPD). If I didnt have them with her, I would have had them with a healthy person that is capable of being a mother and giving them saftey instead of being an emotional terrorist to them half the time.

I am glad what I have become over the last few years but I would have to be a sadist to my own emotions to even consider doing it again or in the first place had I known  . The thought of consciously repeating it almost makes me ill

[allibaba]

I'd marry my husband 1000x times over again... . not because I actually think that our relationship will work but rather because I have been cast in fire through the trials of the relationship and I am a far better person as a result of what I have been through

And between my uBPD mother and uBPD husband... . I'd take my mom because at least she isn't violent!

3 months later I am starting a divorce and interestingly enough - have the exact same answer.  Would not trade this experience for anything because I became who I am today (a much better person than the spineless, codependent woman that my uBPD husband found) as a result of my experience with him (and also because of the invaluable advice, guidance, and direction on these boards).  Essentially I grew up... . and I got a beautiful, wonderful child in the process

[lemon flower]

I can't answer this one personally since I'm on the leaving boards, but I'd like to quote a (very good) psychiatrist who's an authority on BPD in my country

when the audience asked him if r/s with BP's can be stable and fulfilling his answer was : "no doubt, I know loads of BP's who have a good mariage, happy kids and a job.

key is THERAPY (not only for the BP but also for the family), external support and understanding, and mutual LOVE. "

I know, this is a therapist speaking on his business, but I believe him, there are thousands and thousands persons with BPD all over the world, they couldn't possibly all be in a bad marriage 

to my point of view, I think you have to meet the right person on the right time, when you meet a BPD who is allready in a mindset where he wants to learn and face his problems (or when you can be the one to guide him/her gently on that path) you have a much bigger chance on a happy marriage.

from the NON' s part is the same; if you are a mature, "wise" and empathic person who has gained enough insight in your own psychology, you'd probably set boundaries from the start and avoid things to escalate and as such the worst damage may never occur

in my ideal world there would be much more understanding, education and openness around psychiatric diseases, that would make such a difference... .  

[guitarguy09]

I can't answer this one personally since I'm on the leaving boards, but I'd like to quote a (very good) psychiatrist who's an authority on BPD in my country

when the audience asked him if r/s with BP's can be stable and fulfilling his answer was : "no doubt, I know loads of BP's who have a good mariage, happy kids and a job.

key is THERAPY (not only for the BP but also for the family), external support and understanding, and mutual LOVE. "

I know, this is a therapist speaking on his business, but I believe him, there are thousands and thousands persons with BPD all over the world, they couldn't possibly all be in a bad marriage 

to my point of view, I think you have to meet the right person on the right time, when you meet a BPD who is allready in a mindset where he wants to learn and face his problems (or when you can be the one to guide him/her gently on that path) you have a much bigger chance on a happy marriage.

from the NON' s part is the same; if you are a mature, "wise" and empathic person who has gained enough insight in your own psychology, you'd probably set boundaries from the start and avoid things to escalate and as such the worst damage may never occur

in my ideal world there would be much more understanding, education and openness around psychiatric diseases, that would make such a difference... .  

It really does make such a difference. My wife's family is always supportive of her and takes the time to try and sympathize with her issues and make up when things aren't going well. Subsequently, we have a great relationship on that side. Things are very strained on my family's side as they kind of expect certain behavior and when they don't get it, they let her know about it loud and clear. And their threshold for unacceptable behavior is pretty low compared to really what it should be.

[formflier]

Yes... . if I had paid any attention to the family... . I would have seen warning signs.  And honestly... if I could have listened more to my uBPDw talk about her family... it would have been more obvious.

That being said... . I'm still a yes... . I would do it again... . I will explain more later

Yes, tough question. Every marriage has problems. I think if I had it to do over again, I probably wouldn't. One of the things I would do is vet the family. I should never have married into a family with mental illness all over it. It really wasn't logical to bring children into such a family. I love my wonderful children, but they all have anxiety disorders, and my youngest is diagnosed BPD.

Now I see the cycle. My daughters are all with partners (all male) who have baggage. One partner has a deadbeat, gay, alcoholic father who has been absent from the family since his children were toddlers. The middle one and his father both strike me as "sexual-orientation is ambiguous". My youngest BPD is with a guy who was adopted by a nice enough woman who's a hoarder who is divorced from the adoptive father (a registered sex offender), and whose biological mother was a crack addict who committed suicide.

I think I would vote in favor of selective breeding

[going places]

NOPE.

Not a chance.

I would have had my 3 kids with a healthy, loving, true man instead.

[Fanie]

I think I will BUT will do things very differently

I feel I have at least a "small part" in escalating her disease

(no speaking as a codependent)

[Fanie]

One thing is for sure we are far from boring

[mace17]

I am going to have to say no.  I think I would have been better off staying single and working on just being me.  I think I could have been a much better mother to my son too had I not married his father.  I wanted him to have a stable family, but by marrying his father I think it has made both our lives more unstable.  But I still want him to have a stable family, so I will keep trying.

[woodsposse]

But on the other hand, if it were not for my uBPDw and all that I've now been through, I likely would not have grown and worked on myself to the point where I can now, in hindsight, say that I would not do it again.  Although it was not her intention, I owe her a thanks (of sorts) for doing her part to set up the perfect storm that finally shook me into figuring out that it is my right and in my control to become who I want to be.  I hope that's some of my old codependency melting away.

 

This is a very interesting thread.  I haven't had an opportunity to read all of it - but I do like the above quote, as it sums up wonderfully what I would have probably thought.

Personality Disorders aside, when I met my (now) ex-wife twenty years ago, I did connect with her in a way which kept us in a very dysfunctional state for years.  But the connection was real, and strong, and I loved it - but it did force a lot of inner workings of myself (and her) to the forefront and as we grew and evolved we couldn't handle it "properly" - and things ruptured beyond repair.

Would I do it again?  Certainly not.

If I met and connected with someone new who just happened to have some of the same dynamics as she had would I voluntarily walk into it?  I dunno.  Maybe.  Maybe I would think that now that I know what I know I'm in a better place to handle those types of situations/relationships.

Then again, maybe not.

I sometimes still miss my ex-wife like crazy - I miss what we had (when it was good and great) and I miss the opportunity to "fix" what could have been "fixed" had I known what we were really dealling with.  But because we did with each other what we did - there is no way to go back and change it... . so going back to do it all over again would just mean the same things would happen - and I"m not having any part of that.

I owe me too much... . and her as well.  I just want to be happy (whatever that means).

[Boss302]

Well, if we're talking about alternative timelines, ala Star Trek... . when you change the past, you don't always anticipate the "ripple effects". In my case, if I could go back to 1992 and talk to myself back then, after the inevitable conversation about how dashing and handsome I've become in my old age (and some handy stock and Super Bowl betting tips), perhaps I wouldn't have gone forward with my BPDx. That would have meant being spared a lot of pain, but it'd also have meant my two children would never have existed. It'd also have meant never meeting my significant other, who I love very, very much.

So, my BPDx caused me a lot of pain, but have things worked out OK? Yes, they have.

Now, if I COULD I'd probably have left her five or six years before I did (if I'd been smart, I'd have left her while she still had a steady job - that would have saved me a LOT of alimony, but oh well... . ).

But would I ever marry or be involved with another borderline? God, no. I've learned that lesson.

[Turkish]

I miss the opportunity to "fix" what could have been "fixed" had I known what we were really dealling with.

Me, too. It's been a few months since I chimed in on this thread, which was just days before she moved out. I still say "no" but with our beautiful kids, the question kind of only makes sense as a hypothetical, not "if you had a real time machine, would you go back and get with her again," which due to our kids, I couldn't answer.

[Boss302]

NOPE.

Not a chance.

I would have had my 3 kids with a healthy, loving, true man instead.

Right, but you wouldn't have had the three kids you have now. Just a thought.

[wilsonian]

WOW what a question... . I often think and remember what a normal relationship was(being married 20 yrs first time)... do I miss normal... YES!... . but the times when we are just being us without chaos... rages... verbal abuse... . panic attacks... . I would marry her again because through it all we have a soul connection I believe... . Would it have been nice to have a heads up about all this before we were married... HECK YA... . but she chose to keep it from me until it had to come to surface... that would be only thing I would change on my wish list... .

[formflier]

I'm back for more on this one.  And I want to echo a lot of what others have said.  The good times were great.  They really were.  Lately... . more bad than good.  Lots of work going on there... . I'm hopeful. 

The crux of the question for me and all the others is the kids.  I can't give up any of them... . so I've got to say yes.

If one of my kids said I want to marry a BPD... I would try to talk them out of it.  If they were in treatment or working on it... maybe.

That is from the point of view of what I want for my kids.

So... . in an odd way I've tried to answer the question both ways. 

Strictly from a relationship point of view... . I don't ever think I could advise someone to enter into a rs with untreated BPD. 

Good thread... . keep this going

WOW what a question... . I often think and remember what a normal relationship was(being married 20 yrs first time)... do I miss normal... YES!... . but the times when we are just being us without chaos... rages... verbal abuse... . panic attacks... . I would marry her again because through it all we have a soul connection I believe... . Would it have been nice to have a heads up about all this before we were married... HECK YA... . but she chose to keep it from me until it had to come to surface... that would be only thing I would change on my wish list... .

[Boss302]

WOW what a question... . I often think and remember what a normal relationship was(being married 20 yrs first time)... do I miss normal... YES!... . but the times when we are just being us without chaos... rages... verbal abuse... . panic attacks... . I would marry her again because through it all we have a soul connection I believe... . Would it have been nice to have a heads up about all this before we were married... HECK YA... . but she chose to keep it from me until it had to come to surface... that would be only thing I would change on my wish list... .

In my case, I had clues about my BPDx from the start, but they were mild. Her behaviors REALLY came out later in the marriage. By then... . too late.