A new guy here looking for advice on beginning changing my behaviors

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm so happy that I have located this community and the wonderful people in it.  I look forward to improving myself and my relationship with someone who means so much to me.  In my introduction post to the site I was given a few links to read through which I have done several times.  It was recommended to me to post some of my background on this board as well as some of the questions I have about those articles.  I apologize for the cut and paste but I'm hoping to get some feedback on the questions today if possible b/c we will be spending much of the weekend together and I'd like to be as prepared as possible to start the change process.  I'm working today and would not be able to put together a full post.  Below is a little about our situation and some questions I have about going forward.

I am a 41 year old male who is living with a woman I love with all of my heart who suffers from multiple health issues as well as SPD (sensory processing disorder) and BPD.  We are not in a "relationship" but love one another dearly, sleep together occasionally, and now argue what seems like constantly.

I have very little experience in dealing with either of these disorders, and by very little I mean none other than the last 9 months of being back in her life.  We reconnected last April and it has been a whirlwind of emotion since that time.  The good days are magical and the bad days are horrific.  I know that I am not perfect in this, but I try, really hard yet do not feel there is any understanding of how hard this is.

I feel as though I am never heard in our conversations.  I am constantly being cut-off, where she then goes on to berate me.   I feel as though if I could just at least explain my thought process it could at least give her an understanding of where I am coming from, but she will not ever give me the opportunity to explain myself.

I've begged and begged her to please give me a chance to talk and she just won't.  I am having a very hard time dealing with this.  Almost everyone in her life has quit on her or shown little to no desire to try to understand her.  I began counseling to attempt to get a better grasp on this and have started a DBT skills class to attempt to gain some skills to help our situation as well as improving my overall life skills.  I'm very early on in the DBT process (one class) so we each know I have a long way to go in this, but I'm an eager and willing participant.  She has been through extensive DBT training to deal with her trauma from a very abusive marriage and coping skills.

She is the toughest person that I know for surviving all that she has been through.  She has an amazing strength and desire to go forward in life through her experiences with bad health, abusive marriage, losing her three children, and a very non-supportive family.  She fights on to prove her ability and her place in this world.  We knew one another when we were young and lost contact only getting back in touch in April.  I see glimpses of the spirit I knew 20 years ago and it motivates me to move forward.

I have a few questions about what I have read today and would love any feedback possible.  She has been diagnosed with BPD, but disagrees with the diagnosis.  I would like to talk to her about what I have been reading and the exercises that I am going to be working on, but am hesitant to let her know that the information I have found is on a BPD website.  I don't know how she would take that.  Part of me says, "show her, don't tell her with my actions."  It is a way that I tend to try to operate in my life anyway.  I know that she would appreciate the effort, yet might question where it came from.  The reasoning.  Am I now attempting to diagnose her?  I'm not, I found this site through multiple google searches about DBT.  Trying to gain a better understanding of what I was attempting to learn.

Should I just start acting on these new skills and let them improve our standing?

How do I end these conversations that are going nowhere?  Do I just say, "I need to step away from this conversation for a while."?  If she continues on, how do I react?  Say one more time, "I need to go."?  Then just hang up if she isn't responsive to that?

Do I talk to her about my idea for ending these "discussions?"  Let her know that I'm attempting not to continue my negative reactions and this is how I would like to do that?

From the above linked article: In a way; every time you imagine your partner saying that trigger and imagine that you respond in a kind way (or; at least; not in kind); you are reconditioning the trigger because you are changing the cycle.

I've identified a few of my triggers.  Things she says that begin to elevate me.  She will tell me that I'm like a 5 year old sometimes.  She says it in a way that makes me feel quite stupid.  I can't imagine a way to respond to that in a kind way.  My thought is to at that point just practice the skill at the end of the article that tells me, what will a negative response do and is it worth it?  What will it achieve?

I apologize for getting long winded, again.  I just really want to end this cycle we are in.  It is very painful and heartbreaking.  I want to help her move forward in her life and then see where we end up.

Thank you again so much for all of your assistance and thoughts.

[jl12114]

I'm so happy that I have located this community and the wonderful people in it.  I look forward to improving myself and my relationship with someone who means so much to me.  In my introduction post to the site I was given a few links to read through which I have done several times.  It was recommended to me to post some of my background on this board as well as some of the questions I have about those articles.  I apologize for the cut and paste but I'm hoping to get some feedback on the questions today if possible b/c we will be spending much of the weekend together and I'd like to be as prepared as possible to start the change process.  I'm working today and would not be able to put together a full post.  Below is a little about our situation and some questions I have about going forward.

I am a 41 year old male who is living with a woman I love with all of my heart who suffers from multiple health issues as well as SPD (sensory processing disorder) and BPD.  We are not in a "relationship" but love one another dearly, sleep together occasionally, and now argue what seems like constantly.

I have very little experience in dealing with either of these disorders, and by very little I mean none other than the last 9 months of being back in her life.  We reconnected last April and it has been a whirlwind of emotion since that time.  The good days are magical and the bad days are horrific.  I know that I am not perfect in this, but I try, really hard yet do not feel there is any understanding of how hard this is.

I feel as though I am never heard in our conversations.  I am constantly being cut-off, where she then goes on to berate me.   I feel as though if I could just at least explain my thought process it could at least give her an understanding of where I am coming from, but she will not ever give me the opportunity to explain myself.

I've begged and begged her to please give me a chance to talk and she just won't.  I am having a very hard time dealing with this.  Almost everyone in her life has quit on her or shown little to no desire to try to understand her.  I began counseling to attempt to get a better grasp on this and have started a DBT skills class to attempt to gain some skills to help our situation as well as improving my overall life skills.  I'm very early on in the DBT process (one class) so we each know I have a long way to go in this, but I'm an eager and willing participant.  She has been through extensive DBT training to deal with her trauma from a very abusive marriage and coping skills.

She is the toughest person that I know for surviving all that she has been through.  She has an amazing strength and desire to go forward in life through her experiences with bad health, abusive marriage, losing her three children, and a very non-supportive family.  She fights on to prove her ability and her place in this world.  We knew one another when we were young and lost contact only getting back in touch in April.  I see glimpses of the spirit I knew 20 years ago and it motivates me to move forward.

I have a few questions about what I have read today and would love any feedback possible.  She has been diagnosed with BPD, but disagrees with the diagnosis.  I would like to talk to her about what I have been reading and the exercises that I am going to be working on, but am hesitant to let her know that the information I have found is on a BPD website.  I don't know how she would take that.  Part of me says, "show her, don't tell her with my actions."  It is a way that I tend to try to operate in my life anyway.  I know that she would appreciate the effort, yet might question where it came from.  The reasoning.  Am I now attempting to diagnose her?  I'm not, I found this site through multiple google searches about DBT.  Trying to gain a better understanding of what I was attempting to learn.

Should I just start acting on these new skills and let them improve our standing?

How do I end these conversations that are going nowhere?  Do I just say, "I need to step away from this conversation for a while."?  If she continues on, how do I react?  Say one more time, "I need to go."?  Then just hang up if she isn't responsive to that?

Do I talk to her about my idea for ending these "discussions?"  Let her know that I'm attempting not to continue my negative reactions and this is how I would like to do that?

From the above linked article: In a way; every time you imagine your partner saying that trigger and imagine that you respond in a kind way (or; at least; not in kind); you are reconditioning the trigger because you are changing the cycle.

I've identified a few of my triggers.  Things she says that begin to elevate me.  She will tell me that I'm like a 5 year old sometimes.  She says it in a way that makes me feel quite stupid.  I can't imagine a way to respond to that in a kind way.  My thought is to at that point just practice the skill at the end of the article that tells me, what will a negative response do and is it worth it?  What will it achieve?

I apologize for getting long winded, again.  I just really want to end this cycle we are in.  It is very painful and heartbreaking.  I want to help her move forward in her life and then see where we end up.

Thank you again so much for all of your assistance and thoughts.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Stalwart]

Hey JL:

I feel for you man. I'm no therapist and my advice can only come from my own experience of dealing with my now diagnosed BPD wife of ten years.

You can't be reasonable to someone that cannot understand reason in the way that a healthy 'normal' fully 'sane' person does. The problem is she doesn't relate to reason the way that another person who is not affected by this MENTAL ILLNESS does. It doesn't work at all in most cases and in my experience only makes matters worse.

I've learned a lot and changed my wife’s and my life so much in the past year after her finally going for her diagnosis and getting her help with a therapist. Those were her things to do and I supported but never forced those choices. She has to fix herself and want to do that.

The only thing that I can do and did do was learn everything I could and learn how to change myself to adapt to the situation, her condition and my reactions to it. Don't underestimate the power of changing yourself and how drastically that can positively affect your life, her reactions and both of your happiness together. It's huge if you can learn to do it well. If you WANT to and have the determination, commitment and LOVE in you to do that.

Both learning first radical acceptance of statements and thinking, that previously you would have never considered overlooking or being unaffected by is huge. I’ll give an example in a minute. Two; learning to effectively validate, not only in a reactionary situation but proactively is the second big winner. You have to learn to do those things. You can’t change a thing about her, what she says, how she acts, the things she does; but those things will change to a large degree in your relationship if you change yourself, your reactions, your statements and your level of awareness as to how her thinking may work and affects her opinions...

So an example. A BPD wife has an affair for a year and a half that you didn’t know about until it had just ended. Throughout the course of a year listening to how the story changed it comes to a point where she might just say: I can’t believe I was with that low life, cheating *****. He has absolutely no

morals or scruples at all. She is saying this to you – her husband who was cheated on. The first reaction would normally be “Say what” , “Hey here, he left his wife for you, you did all this behind my back cheating on me in an extramarital affair” “God who are you calling black when you were just as bad or worse”

Well JL you can’t say that. You can’t even try and reason with her in any way to try and get her to understand that and admit her own responsibility in it. That’s radical acceptance. If that’s how she sees the situation and justifies it to herself. Good enough. It’s never about winning or being right. It’s about keeping a peace and supporting her fears and even some ideas that are way out there. You don’t in most cases even have to support them verbally, just don’t argue or reason them if there is no point to the outcome.

It’s all hard to do, but it is possible to do and to change your life around but it’s a lot of dedicated learning and a lot of work. The question is: Is she worth it to try and do that and see if you can improve the relationship or not? You’ll probably spend a lot of time on that one at different times in the future too.

I really wish you the best and the people here are great at helping.

[jl12114]

Stalwart,

Thanks for the reply and the advice. She is and has been worth that to me. I've spent quite a bit of time on that question and know that I will in the coming months and beyond. 

It's peculiar, that I think early on I was really good at the radical acceptance. There were some extreme circumstances for her moving here and I attempted to just be a support mechanism for her. I guess over time I got into the mode of wanting to try to help "fix" her and that has led to a lot of misery for the two of us. My reading here the last few days has reinforced her comments that I cannot fix all of the things that she has going on. I knew that, but felt as though I wanted to start to help with some little things at first to try to get her going. I didn't know that initially what I was doing was radical acceptance, but it makes a lot of sense now.

We had a nice conversation last night about some of this and the discussions/arguments that we have been having. I mentioned to her that I am going to have to find a way to take timeouts when things begin to elevate.

I just want so much for her. I understand that I have a lot of work to do, but I'm game for it. I know that there will be bumpy days in the future, but I just hope I can grow enough as a person that they will become fewer and further between. 

Thanks again for the reply and advice.

jl

[Stalwart]

I hope this finds you in a better place and things have moved forward for you through changing yourself, your reactions and being able to gain her full trust in you. That's everything so she can really open up and share.

So much goes by in the past and sometimes results in damaged egos, hurt, pain, embarassment to you and other negative things that really affect the situation from a standpoint of ":)o I want to do or accept this anymore?" We've all asked that question a thousand times especially in bad times. Fact is if you're going to be successful you have to put aside all ego and issues you may have struggle with self-respect. You have to say to yourself you're turning over a new leaf right now and the old one remains shut to open up the possibility of building a whole new direction using the better mindfulness and lessons you've learned. YOu can't live in the shadow of both world and find success. The past has to stay there to make room for the future and in that way you can free your mind to focus on positive interactions more easily. She will never put away the remorse for problems from your past, she can't but as long as she can trust you when you say they don't affect your todays or tomorrows you can gain her trust to confide in you and move closer.

I hope this finds you so much better. Stay in touch