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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: D1Having Trouble  (Read 343 times)
Turkish
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12105


Dad to my wolf pack


« on: February 14, 2014, 12:16:57 AM »

D 22 months... . its been a week since she moved out. Prior to that, I had them 15/16 days, 3 of them soley to myself when their mom was out of state. S4 seems to be taking it in stride, other than criticizing me for painting a kitchen wall red, and rearranging my bedroom (so like his mother!). I love him to death though, and he me. I got home yesterday and the neighbor babysat them. I went inside first to do some stuff, put out the garbage. She saw my car from across the street and was glued to the fence watching. I went and got them and she clung to me tightly. I hadn't seen them in three days. Took them for a few block walk. She wanted me to hold her, so I carried her for two blocks home. She wouldn't not let me.

Their mom called later, started telling me about how they would adjust, how she had been talking to other divorced mothers, then was kind of lecturing me on how it would go. I said, sure, object constancy. I then told her what it meant, and suggested she look it up if she wanted to (though if she digs a little, she may find herself). I had the kids talk to her on the speaker phone. D1 didn't want to talk to her. S4 was cool.

I have them again tonight and tomorrow. Tonight, D1 was tantruming over me not letting her have cocoa before bedtime. She was playing with a toy system. Again, didn't want to talk to her mom. D1 even seemed angry. Soon after, I lay on the floor and played with both kids. D1 was fine.  :)id have a lot if trouble putting them to bed later. She kept crying Daddy, Daddy! When I left the room. Wanted to wander the house. Wanted me to hold her, so I did. Tried to let her go through the extinction burst, but my rule of thumb is 10 mins, then I go in. She was obviously distressed. I finally took her to my bed. S4 came along. Cudded with her fir a while, then left. Only went back once. Then when she was snoring, put her in her crib. Left S4 there. I'll sleep with him later. Don't want to make a habit of it, but, I don't really mind.

So I'm think in of asking their mom if D1 reacts similarly when I call? Thus far she hasn't said so. Object cinstancy, I know, but I'm trying to understand why D1 acts mad at her mom? I will run this by my T next week when I see him, which will be much less since I can't afford it much more.
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    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
NyGirl8
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #1 on: February 18, 2014, 04:50:08 AM »

Children react to change in so many different ways.  I work with children and my own were 3 and 4 when the first separation occurred.  My youngest slept with me for a year.  My oldest seemed to actually relax more and have less tantrums... . probably because the stress in the air was releived.  Now the THE EX is gone for the last time, my youngest just turned 6.   She starts in her own bed but has consistently been getting on my bed around 3 am every night.  Phone calls were fun in the beginning.  Soon both children wanted nothing to do with them.  I don't know the reason.  Your daughter is at an age where she just had a huge change and she is realizing that she has independence... . children will typically begin to really rest around your D age... . terrible twos and all that:).   But, even now, the phone has not held a strong appeal for either of my children.  When they are gone I always make sure to call them, and 50% of the time they don't want to talk.  I never make a big deal out of it... . so, not sure if that ramble helps:)
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Turkish
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Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12105


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #2 on: February 18, 2014, 09:53:19 AM »

Children react to change in so many different ways.  I work with children and my own were 3 and 4 when the first separation occurred.  My youngest slept with me for a year.  My oldest seemed to actually relax more and have less tantrums... . probably because the stress in the air was releived.  Now the THE EX is gone for the last time, my youngest just turned 6.   She starts in her own bed but has consistently been getting on my bed around 3 am every night.  Phone calls were fun in the beginning.  Soon both children wanted nothing to do with them.  I don't know the reason.  Your daughter is at an age where she just had a huge change and she is realizing that she has independence... . children will typically begin to really rest around your D age... . terrible twos and all that:).   But, even now, the phone has not held a strong appeal for either of my children.  When they are gone I always make sure to call them, and 50% of the time they don't want to talk.  I never make a big deal out of it... . so, not sure if that ramble helps:)

That is interesting, with you girls being much older than mine. With you also having them by far more than their dad. Thanks, I guess I won't take it personally! As long as they are having a decent time with their mom, that is all I can hope for. And them with me, for her. I pick them up tonight to have them until Friday, then something like a 2-2-3 schedule starts on 3 with her over the weekend. Not sure what to do... . organize my taxes? Paint the hallway? Go for a bike ride? Maybe all of the above. Still strange not having them, but I need to get used to my new reality.
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    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
NyGirl8
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« Reply #3 on: February 18, 2014, 11:29:28 AM »

Oh, so glad you get your kids today!  When mine are gone I am a bit of a wreck.  But, I am working on planning things to keep me busy, as I feel that will help.  But, I can relate, its such a strange reality! And with me, because my ex is a bit incompetent about some parenting issues(kids being sick), I always feel "on call".  But with this last and final recycle over, I am positive he will be looking to my replacement to mother them, rather than call me.  It will be my punishment and I am bracing for it.

Maybe with time, your ex will ask you take them for longer and longer periods?  Maybe she will realize she just isn't capable of parenting for that long?  I don't know, just a thought. 

Oh, no, I never take the phone call thing personally.  It is what it is.  They have such little control over their lives, I am pleased to give them this:)

Enjoy your kids today!
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Turkish
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Gender: Male
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12105


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #4 on: February 18, 2014, 12:17:27 PM »

Maybe with time, your ex will ask you take them for longer and longer periods?  Maybe she will realize she just isn't capable of parenting for that long?  I don't know, just a thought.

This is what everyone watching the situation thinks. With her out of the house, she can be 1/2 time parent, and may be able to cope with that, while getting her teenage behaviors out the other 1/2. I refused to sacrifice the former for the latter, which is when our r/s started decaying exponentially. The thing is that she usually takes the kids to her mom's house (like she is this weekend), so she really isn't taking care of them herself, since there are multiple people (her mom and siblings) to help. I have no one to go to (nor need it). I still feel like she is getting away with everything with no accountability. "just another poor divorced mom who left a loveless marriage/r/s and while having an affair wasn't right, it's what she needed to do for her!" *bah* People have no idea the extent of it, nor her periodic abandonment and detachment from her children to pursue what she did, with me taking up the slack. So unjust, but I need to get over it somehow. It is what it is. I should need no validation. The truth validates itself.

We'll see what happens when her next major depression cycle starts. She's still in love bomb/clinger phase with her BT, and that may last a while. The depression will come... . the devastation once that is over will come, as it did with two narcs before me she was so "in love" (need) with. I'm bracing for it. Bracing for the kids.
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    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
NyGirl8
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Posts: 117



« Reply #5 on: February 18, 2014, 01:08:41 PM »

This aspect of my situation also gets to me.  I so would love for people to know the entire story.  He has done an excellent job of smearing me.  But, it is getting easier.  Easier because I know if people are going to believe his lies, the are not/nor will they ever be an important person in my life.  I am finding as I focus on me and what matters to me, the fact that a bunch of people think I am a piece of dirt... . tends to matter less and less.  Besides, I can't do anything about it.  My T taught me a mantra to use before I head into a situation (usually a school function, as he made sure to  attach himself to many single mothers at our children's school) and that is "It is not my business what people think of me". 
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