SD13--Will she EVER unenmesh?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am just feeling down and wanted to vent, or at least express my sadness, frustration, and hopes for my SD13.  In many ways, I have so little to complain about.  I love both my SD13 and SD9, who are almost 14 and 10.  And they love me and express it, a rare present for a step-mom. 

That said, SD13 is SOO enmeshed with her mom.  When they are together, they look like lovers--completely entangled physically, kissing, cooing, SD13 saying she loves her mom more than anyone in the world.  When the rest of the teens are pushing away from parents, she is pulling in close to mom.  This becomes more extreme when mom is having a hard time.  In fact, it is sort of a meter--we know mom is out of whack when SD13 starts saying she wants to live only with mom (DH and BPDmom have 50/50 custody).  I am just really wondering if and when this will change, and if it will be a lot worse... . probably will, at least for sD13.

She is starting to be a "normal" teen with us--but in such a great way (all except on transition days).  She is a little rebellious, but in a fun, non-taking-herself-too-seriously way.  DH sets pretty good boundaries, but I am the only parent who really has boundaries around disrespect and mean emotional games (teen/BPD games look so similar!).  They do not fly with me, period, and I am willing to work through whatever challenge with her to get to the good stuff.  I think that is why she loves me, but it is also really frustrating for both of us.

When she is with us more than 24 hours, she is really great and communicative and responsible, and uses words like, "When you tell me what to do, I feel really angry.  I think it is my hormones or something."  But on transition days, she is really attached to the story that she does not want to live with us, only wants to live with mom, that she feels trapped, etc.  And she tries prolonged rudeness to see if that makes us want to kick her out. 

We get asked by many people who do not really get the BPD thing or the being an engaged dad concept why we do not let SD13 move away to another state with mom (mom says she will only be happy when she moves away from this state, though she was not happy when in the other states).  SD13 buys the idea that mom is only unhappy because DH is "making" her stay here. That there is no work here, and that is why mom never has a job (though she has had many jobs, she just keeps them about a month)(and the states she wants to move to have very high unemployment rates). 

Frankly, DH has seriously considered that option... . but there are a few big issues with it.  First, SD13 is so enmeshed that she would not get out of a dangerous situation if one occurred, and mom has insisted on so much secrecy that if something bad happened in another state, mom and SD13 would not tell him. The times mom has been in trouble, arrested on a DUI when she had left the kids at home by themselves, or when she attacked her boyfriend and both were arrested, the only reason DH ever found out is because friends knew and told him.  And, SD13 is really a parent with her mom, and does not get to do any of the teen and kid stuff.  When she comes from her moms, her whole body is a ball of stress, shoulders tight, tummy hurting, etc., and she can really unwind here.

But in addition to the risks to her, her sister is 9 and really does not want to live only with mom.  SD9 is enmeshed with SD13, and feels like BPDmom does not love her as much as mom loves SD13, and also feels like mom and SD13 gang up on her at mom's house.  There is no combination of SD13 living more with mom that would be good for SD9--if SD13 was full time with mom and SD9 was 50/50, SD9 would feel more and more alienated from mom, we fear.  If SD9 lived with mom full time, she would lose her sense of belonging and support she feels with us.  For SD9, she feels unconditionally loved here, and she also really connects with me in a special way, like I am the parent who "gets" her, and she loves her daddy; but she also really loves her mommy and needs that special mommy love, which mom can sometimes give to her.  She has always been really clear about how she feels about all the parents... . "I love all my parents the same, Daddy, ennie, and mommy, but I need mommy more because she is mu mommy and I am little."  Now she is not so little, but she has such a clear way of seeing what she needs from each of us.  If she was with us full time, and mommy and SD13 just left, she would feel totally abandoned. 

So there really is not a graceful way to deal with SD13 wanting something different than SD9. 

I do not try to make my opinions matter in all of this, but try to back up DH, and support him when he feels low.  But my opinion if they were my kids is that SD13 should not live with mom more than 50% until she can start to separate from mom enough that she gets that mom is not entirely safe and sane.  If she could see that, and could know that if things got hairy, she needs to get help and let dad know what is happening, it would be very different... . but if she cannot do that, then it really is not safe.  Plus, for a teen girl, this is such an important time to learn about logic, negotiation, boundaries, responsibility, cause and effect.  Frontal lobe brain stuff.  So having good parenting is really important.  Mom has no boundaries, or almost none, and has not figured out cause and effect in her own life.  None of anything is her fault, except all the best things. 

All that said, I am just sick of the yuckiness of the enmeshment.  When SD13 comes to our house, she has a whole story about how we are not listening by not letting her move away with mom.  Or at least, every few months this comes up, when things are not working out for mom.  DH attended a school event with SD 13 and BPD mom was there... . and BPD mom spent the time yelling at the judges and bullying them into letting SD13 break the rules, while SD13 is sitting on and wrapping herself around mommy like a 4 year old; her story is all about how great mom is in those moments.  It just feels so off. 

But then, I also see that it is right on, that SD13 cannot separate from her mom yet, because it would be dangerous, and because she knows that and is being safe.  That she loves her mom, and by being enmeshed she gets the best she can get out of a mom who has little to offer.  But SD13 is expert at getting the best from people, including her mom.  And that she is also getting the best she can from her dad and me, and really thriving when at our house. 

And that part of being a parent, even a step-parent, is that sometimes the most important gifts we have to give, the most critical parenting moments, are not the most fun.  It would be more fun to be the parent who never says no.  But for a kid to be a happy, strong, loving adult, and for a kid to develop empathy and relationship skills, someone has to be willing to say no and work through the hard emotions around "no," so that the love is as clear as the boundary and the reason for the boundary.  Especially for a girl who is willing to have no boundary to get her mom to love her, it is so important for her to have those skills in her, to say, "No, that does not feel good to me. And I love you."  This will be critical in her relationship with her mom and all other intimate relationships. 

I do not feel this is a rescue.  It is kind of like it is all I can do.  There is this wild beast, who I love, in my home, and I can run and leave my home, or figure out the best way to deal with the beast.  I am totally free as to how I deal with the beast, but the beast is there.  In my home. I have to learn to speak its language a little, or I will get nowhere.  I have little control, but immense ability to have an impact.  If I run screaming, it will scare the beast... . and who knows WHAT will happen!

That is just how it is.  I can wish I did not have that, but in truth I have grown so much by having these girls in my life, and my DH is really my best friend ever as well as a great husband. 

Sometimes it is hard that we have to take the good with the bad.  But I guess that is just because my parents were not as aware of how important it is to learn the whole of the consequences of our actions.  So there is a part of me still under the delusion that I could just with the hard parts away with no negative impact.

I think the heart of the matter is just that it is painful to see the girls need their mom so much and not get enough of what they need, so they keep looking to her for more.  To see how painful that is, and to have zero ability to impact any of that.  And on top of it, to be the target of BPDmom's rage at times, and the kids' anger and hurt around that. But the good news is that I am now more able than ever to be present for that without the rest of my life going to heck in a hand basket.  I still feel utterly confounded by this stuff, it still feels like an impossible problem like no other in my life.  But I realize that it is mostly not MY problem.  Just a little around the edges is in my sphere.  The kids will have so much more information about this confounding problem than I will ever have, so long as they learn a little bit how to listen to themselves, even in the storm.  So that is what I can model, listening to me even in the storm.  And me says that I am sad, feeling a little low, sort of wishing I had a vacation. 

[ennie]

I am just feeling down and wanted to vent, or at least express my sadness, frustration, and hopes for my SD13.  In many ways, I have so little to complain about.  I love both my SD13 and SD9, who are almost 14 and 10.  And they love me and express it, a rare present for a step-mom. 

That said, SD13 is SOO enmeshed with her mom.  When they are together, they look like lovers--completely entangled physically, kissing, cooing, SD13 saying she loves her mom more than anyone in the world.  When the rest of the teens are pushing away from parents, she is pulling in close to mom.  This becomes more extreme when mom is having a hard time.  In fact, it is sort of a meter--we know mom is out of whack when SD13 starts saying she wants to live only with mom (DH and BPDmom have 50/50 custody).  I am just really wondering if and when this will change, and if it will be a lot worse... . probably will, at least for sD13.

She is starting to be a "normal" teen with us--but in such a great way (all except on transition days).  She is a little rebellious, but in a fun, non-taking-herself-too-seriously way.  DH sets pretty good boundaries, but I am the only parent who really has boundaries around disrespect and mean emotional games (teen/BPD games look so similar!).  They do not fly with me, period, and I am willing to work through whatever challenge with her to get to the good stuff.  I think that is why she loves me, but it is also really frustrating for both of us.

When she is with us more than 24 hours, she is really great and communicative and responsible, and uses words like, "When you tell me what to do, I feel really angry.  I think it is my hormones or something."  But on transition days, she is really attached to the story that she does not want to live with us, only wants to live with mom, that she feels trapped, etc.  And she tries prolonged rudeness to see if that makes us want to kick her out. 

We get asked by many people who do not really get the BPD thing or the being an engaged dad concept why we do not let SD13 move away to another state with mom (mom says she will only be happy when she moves away from this state, though she was not happy when in the other states).  SD13 buys the idea that mom is only unhappy because DH is "making" her stay here. That there is no work here, and that is why mom never has a job (though she has had many jobs, she just keeps them about a month)(and the states she wants to move to have very high unemployment rates). 

Frankly, DH has seriously considered that option... . but there are a few big issues with it.  First, SD13 is so enmeshed that she would not get out of a dangerous situation if one occurred, and mom has insisted on so much secrecy that if something bad happened in another state, mom and SD13 would not tell him. The times mom has been in trouble, arrested on a DUI when she had left the kids at home by themselves, or when she attacked her boyfriend and both were arrested, the only reason DH ever found out is because friends knew and told him.  And, SD13 is really a parent with her mom, and does not get to do any of the teen and kid stuff.  When she comes from her moms, her whole body is a ball of stress, shoulders tight, tummy hurting, etc., and she can really unwind here.

But in addition to the risks to her, her sister is 9 and really does not want to live only with mom.  SD9 is enmeshed with SD13, and feels like BPDmom does not love her as much as mom loves SD13, and also feels like mom and SD13 gang up on her at mom's house.  There is no combination of SD13 living more with mom that would be good for SD9--if SD13 was full time with mom and SD9 was 50/50, SD9 would feel more and more alienated from mom, we fear.  If SD9 lived with mom full time, she would lose her sense of belonging and support she feels with us.  For SD9, she feels unconditionally loved here, and she also really connects with me in a special way, like I am the parent who "gets" her, and she loves her daddy; but she also really loves her mommy and needs that special mommy love, which mom can sometimes give to her.  She has always been really clear about how she feels about all the parents... . "I love all my parents the same, Daddy, ennie, and mommy, but I need mommy more because she is mu mommy and I am little."  Now she is not so little, but she has such a clear way of seeing what she needs from each of us.  If she was with us full time, and mommy and SD13 just left, she would feel totally abandoned. 

So there really is not a graceful way to deal with SD13 wanting something different than SD9. 

I do not try to make my opinions matter in all of this, but try to back up DH, and support him when he feels low.  But my opinion if they were my kids is that SD13 should not live with mom more than 50% until she can start to separate from mom enough that she gets that mom is not entirely safe and sane.  If she could see that, and could know that if things got hairy, she needs to get help and let dad know what is happening, it would be very different... . but if she cannot do that, then it really is not safe.  Plus, for a teen girl, this is such an important time to learn about logic, negotiation, boundaries, responsibility, cause and effect.  Frontal lobe brain stuff.  So having good parenting is really important.  Mom has no boundaries, or almost none, and has not figured out cause and effect in her own life.  None of anything is her fault, except all the best things. 

All that said, I am just sick of the yuckiness of the enmeshment.  When SD13 comes to our house, she has a whole story about how we are not listening by not letting her move away with mom.  Or at least, every few months this comes up, when things are not working out for mom.  DH attended a school event with SD 13 and BPD mom was there... . and BPD mom spent the time yelling at the judges and bullying them into letting SD13 break the rules, while SD13 is sitting on and wrapping herself around mommy like a 4 year old; her story is all about how great mom is in those moments.  It just feels so off. 

But then, I also see that it is right on, that SD13 cannot separate from her mom yet, because it would be dangerous, and because she knows that and is being safe.  That she loves her mom, and by being enmeshed she gets the best she can get out of a mom who has little to offer.  But SD13 is expert at getting the best from people, including her mom.  And that she is also getting the best she can from her dad and me, and really thriving when at our house. 

And that part of being a parent, even a step-parent, is that sometimes the most important gifts we have to give, the most critical parenting moments, are not the most fun.  It would be more fun to be the parent who never says no.  But for a kid to be a happy, strong, loving adult, and for a kid to develop empathy and relationship skills, someone has to be willing to say no and work through the hard emotions around "no," so that the love is as clear as the boundary and the reason for the boundary.  Especially for a girl who is willing to have no boundary to get her mom to love her, it is so important for her to have those skills in her, to say, "No, that does not feel good to me. And I love you."  This will be critical in her relationship with her mom and all other intimate relationships. 

I do not feel this is a rescue.  It is kind of like it is all I can do.  There is this wild beast, who I love, in my home, and I can run and leave my home, or figure out the best way to deal with the beast.  I am totally free as to how I deal with the beast, but the beast is there.  In my home. I have to learn to speak its language a little, or I will get nowhere.  I have little control, but immense ability to have an impact.  If I run screaming, it will scare the beast... . and who knows WHAT will happen!

That is just how it is.  I can wish I did not have that, but in truth I have grown so much by having these girls in my life, and my DH is really my best friend ever as well as a great husband. 

Sometimes it is hard that we have to take the good with the bad.  But I guess that is just because my parents were not as aware of how important it is to learn the whole of the consequences of our actions.  So there is a part of me still under the delusion that I could just with the hard parts away with no negative impact.

I think the heart of the matter is just that it is painful to see the girls need their mom so much and not get enough of what they need, so they keep looking to her for more.  To see how painful that is, and to have zero ability to impact any of that.  And on top of it, to be the target of BPDmom's rage at times, and the kids' anger and hurt around that. But the good news is that I am now more able than ever to be present for that without the rest of my life going to heck in a hand basket.  I still feel utterly confounded by this stuff, it still feels like an impossible problem like no other in my life.  But I realize that it is mostly not MY problem.  Just a little around the edges is in my sphere.  The kids will have so much more information about this confounding problem than I will ever have, so long as they learn a little bit how to listen to themselves, even in the storm.  So that is what I can model, listening to me even in the storm.  And me says that I am sad, feeling a little low, sort of wishing I had a vacation. 

[DreamGirl]

My thoughts are that our children often don't know what's best for them.

It's OK that she wants to go live with her mama and wants to take care of her. She also doesn't have the cognitive ability to make good decisions for herself. She's 13.

Keep your head up, ennie. Statistically speaking, the risk factors for her having issues (from having a mentally ill parent) are significantly lowered by having 50% of the time with you and her Dad. 

I don't know that she will ever de-enmesh (is that a word?), I have two daughters that I carry a similar kind of worry for, but I do have faith that they have a semblance of what a healthy parent/child relationship actually looks like... .

And then they will choose. When they are not 13.

For now? Dad gets to be part of making decisions for them. Mom struggles in this life, so his voice is a little louder then hers when it comes to the bigger issues (custody, school, etc.) because he has better decision making skills. He lets her have her way on a lot of the little things though (haircuts, drivers ed, staying home when they're not very sick, etc.) because it really helps in giving her that sense of control.

I'd probably have a conversation with SD13 that while you appreciate that she wants to live with mom all the time, it's not going to happen right now. I might even place a time stamp on it. Let's talk about this again in a year when you're 14 and have started high school.

~DG

[ennie]

Well, things have developed since this last conversation.  First off, both girls are really noticeably relieved to be here and not at mom's and have not mentioned wanting to live with her at all.

Second, SD13 has talked to me much more about the high school in another state idea.  Each time she has initiated this with me, I say, "You realize I have no power to choose about that, and that I am not going to try to influence your mom and dad about that, right?  So that trying to convince me of anything is basically useless."  She says, "Yes, but I really want your advice and to hear what you think."  I can see that at first, she is trying to get me to influence her dad, but that once we get into the topic, she really wants to communicate with me and not convince me. 

I have been encouraging her to distinguish between her position and interests, and to get as clear as possible about the core needs she thinks will be met by going to another state for high school.  One of the things she told me is that she wants to live there without her mom and sister and dad and me, alone.  I am suspecting that she really wants to have a way of separating from mom that is okay with mom, by moving to where mom wants to move.

The other thing that became clear is that she has not had this conversation at all with her mom, and is afraid to talk to her mom about it without her dad present.

All of these are signs of de-enmeshment to me. 

Further, she has been wanting time alone and time with me.  She and I looked at the eniagram (are you familiar with this?  I am not a devote of any personality-typing mechanism, but for a teen I think it is really useful just to have questions that you have to answer by saying, "Yes, I am like that" or "No, that is not me."  She LOVED, had such an acute self-awareness, including awareness that her "type" tends to give too much in exchange for love, her awareness that she does this with her friends and mom and dad, and that she perceives me as loving her for her, not for what she gives or how she takes care of me.  She was EXTREMELY excited about the self-awareness this brought, and we have been talking about ways she is mature and young, about my experiences leaving home at 16 and what I see as risks given who she is of leaving home at 16. 

So, things have really opened up such that she is exploring more about her needs and how to meet them, rather than focusing on a specific escape fantasy.  I know when she is at her moms she sees things much more narrowly ("no-one is listening to me! I need to move out to have space!", but she is so very capable of coming at it from a more mature place, and I am constantly surprised by her level of self-awareness.  I guess that upon further reflection, the truth is that I have total faith in her ability to de-enmesh when the time is right for her, that she will always have a part of her that wants to do anything to be loved, and that she now has and will continually develop an awareness of that part of herself, and tools for nurturing herself in a way that makes this vulnerability a strength as well as a weakness. 

So I see that she is not ready to see her mom as a barely functional being, and I truly hope that when she can see her mom's weaknesses, she is able to also see her mom's strengths, as she has such a unique window into her mom's best side.  I hope she can love herself and leave her mom, and I am back to just being so impressed by my SDs and seeing how great and strong and beautiful and loving they are, and to really trusting them to get the tools they need by the time they need them--

which as you pointed out, is not right now as far as moving out is concerned.  SD13 knows this when she is not pouting, and knows she has a lot she wants to do here before she leaves us, whether it is at 16 or 20, or whenever.  I am just grateful my SDs have as much wisdom as they have; at 13, it is a miracle that we can even have a great heart to heart about this, an SD and step mom with the kind of alienation that BPD mom performs.  And I am so glad I have no choice in the matter, so I can really listen to her and not just try to convince her.  I actually feel that if it was my choice, I would really help support her to find a boarding high school and try to get scholarships to it, as I think that is really a brilliant way of leaving home with a BPD mom!  So ingenious, really.  But I am not paying for it, not in charge, and not a daddy facing the prospect of his first born growing up too soon, so I am staying out of it!


Thanks, DG, for listening!