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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Some possibly good news  (Read 396 times)
newlymarried
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« on: February 21, 2014, 10:29:24 AM »

DH was going to file an emergency petition with the court today. Kiddo said that BPDbiomom's felon bf physically abused her. In an email last night, BPDbiomom admitted that she can't continue to care for kiddo. It would seem that BPDbiomom is going to be fading to black. As soon as she officially abandons kiddo, the process will be started for step parent adoption. Kiddo will finally have stability. I am stunned and amazed that she admitted that she can't care for the kiddo. I sat slack jawed for a good portion of the night, after reading the email correspondence. I am hopeful that our process may be winding down.
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« Reply #1 on: February 21, 2014, 11:19:48 AM »

DH was going to file an emergency petition with the court today. Kiddo said that BPDbiomom's felon bf physically abused her. In an email last night, BPDbiomom admitted that she can't continue to care for kiddo. It would seem that BPDbiomom is going to be fading to black. As soon as she officially abandons kiddo, the process will be started for step parent adoption. Kiddo will finally have stability. I am stunned and amazed that she admitted that she can't care for the kiddo. I sat slack jawed for a good portion of the night, after reading the email correspondence. I am hopeful that our process may be winding down.

That is good news overall (not the assault, of course, kiddo is all right, no?), newlymarried. I hope everything goes well with minimal drama.
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DreamGirl
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« Reply #2 on: February 21, 2014, 11:27:49 AM »

How is the little one going to feel about not seeing her mama anymore?

Are you going tell her?
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« Reply #3 on: February 21, 2014, 11:33:41 AM »

Kiddo is ok. She has hadsome behaviors after returning from BPDbiomom's, but no obvious physical injury. I am hopeful that this is the end of the carzy's involvement with kiddo.
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« Reply #4 on: February 21, 2014, 11:37:45 AM »

We are going to tell her. BPDbiomom has given up most of her parenting time. When BPDbiomom makes bad choices, that is what we tell kiddo. Due to a long list of bad choices, she wouldn't see kiddo anymore. BPDbiomom is looking at possible homelessness. She is working full time and if she made good choices wouldn't be looking at eviction.
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« Reply #5 on: February 21, 2014, 11:52:56 AM »

Your SD is 5?

Is it possible that she can grasp what's going on at such a young age.

My son's father abandoned him and he has really, really struggled with it (even with my exH coming in as a father figure).

I might consider a professional to help her in this. And help you in communicating what's going on here. It's a pretty big deal.
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« Reply #6 on: February 21, 2014, 11:56:56 AM »

She has been working with a therapist. Her therapist actually reported the abuse to the state. What she grasps is that BPDbiomom is unreliable. Kiddo knows that BPDbiomom can't be counted on, in contrast to my DH and myself. BPDbiomom's house is full of verbal, emotional and now physical abuse.

Kiddo was supposed to see BPDbiomom last weekend. Kiddo hasn't even asked about seeing her.
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« Reply #7 on: February 23, 2014, 09:51:06 AM »

Just found out last night that BPDbiomom is currently homeless and has been for some time. She hasn't been allowing Skype because she is living in her car.
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« Reply #8 on: February 24, 2014, 01:55:25 PM »

I don't want to throw a wet blanket on the good news (and you probably know this already based on using the word possibly) but sometimes these things don't stick.

From all that we heard and saw, DH's ex (UBPD) had long struggled managing SS19 (who has development delays). At one point she sent SS19 to live with DH and I saying she needed to work full-time, even though she didn't have a job at the time. Because of his special needs, SS19 required a guardian when he was 18. After many months of DH trying to come to agreement on guardianship with his ex using several mediators (she fired a couple), she seemed intent on going to court to be a joint guardian with DH. And then one day DH got a very official email from her written in legal jargon stating that DH could have sole guardianship. We were shocked and even a little hopeful. DH's lawyer figured she was afraid that if this went to court, she'd be exposed (DH has a mess of emails from her that would make the average person's hair stand on end.)

DH filed immediately for sole guardianship (on advice from his lawyer) using the email as her consent. But it didn't last. On his next visit with his mom, SS19 said he told her he was happy that he would still get to visit her whenever he wanted. Apparently she screamed at him. Then she sent DH a scathing note saying how dare he let SS19 know that he could still visit whenever he wanted. She said she was going to go forward with joint guardianship using lawyers instead of a mediator.

Then she kicked into high gear. She forced SS19 and SS21 to sign letters saying that she must be a joint guardian. SS19 says he didn't know what he signed and SS21 was in addiction treatment and still enmeshed with his mom. She told SS23 he needed to sign the same letter, but he said if he wouldn't lie and he would tell a judge what he really thought (he has been painted black since he was little) so she backed off. SS19 begged his dad to go for joint guardianship because he didn't want his mom to be sad. Meanwhile, DH's ex told SS19 to spy on us and report back. She'd constantly twist things or lie to him (and when he'd figure it out he'd ask us "why would my own mom lie?" It was all very hard on SS19 and he cried a lot. His T helped somewhat, but DH allowing him to talk things out was what seemed to help him the most. DH would ask lots of questions and then just listen.

After paying lawyers thousands and thousands of dollars they came to an agreement for joint guardianship. Now DH and his ex have to go to mediation when they don't agree on major decisions regarding SS19. SS19 now says now he wishes she wasn't his joint guardian but saw how mad she got when he told her that before. Just the other day he said "I know she thinks I'm stupid. But she told me if I say she shouldn't be my guardian, it would be like saying she isn't my mom." Of course he desperately wants her to love him and accept him for who he is.

I'm not saying your situation is the same given that DH's was related to guardianship. And maybe DH's ex is more high functioning that your BPDbiomom. But I do believe that once DH's ex thought about giving up control of SS19, she got some fight back in her. And in DH's case, his ex realized that if she signed the guardianship agreement, she would no longer have any official ties to DH. And she'd lose her ability to fight him (all the kids say that when she talks about DH she gets very animated and excited.) Fighting DH gives her strength and energy.

I hope all goes well for you.   

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« Reply #9 on: February 25, 2014, 05:20:57 PM »

BPDbiomom just agreed to give my DH sole decision making and she will only see kiddo every other weekend. I will believe it when the paperwork is signed by both with a seal of the court. We are going to try to move the case to our state because kiddo actually lives here and will be in biomom's state for a total of 14 days a year.
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« Reply #10 on: February 26, 2014, 10:18:05 AM »

Good luck and keep us posted!
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« Reply #11 on: February 27, 2014, 12:59:05 PM »

BPDbiomom just agreed to give my DH sole decision making and she will only see kiddo every other weekend. I will believe it when the paperwork is signed by both with a seal of the court. We are going to try to move the case to our state because kiddo actually lives here and will be in biomom's state for a total of 14 days a year.

You *should* be able to move the case. Jurisdiction is generally decided based on where the child resides. But since there appears to already be some kind of order in place it may be more complicated then that. But from the sound of it she doesn't have much fight in her at the moment so she might even agree to the change in jurisdiction.
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« Reply #12 on: March 02, 2014, 02:54:49 AM »

Stipulation signed by BPDbiomom. She will have kiddo 15 overnights a year. My DH has sole decision making. BPDbiomom is pregnant with felon's child. In  3 months the amount of chaos related to new baby will hopefully be enough for BPDbiomom to sign over her rights.
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« Reply #13 on: March 02, 2014, 07:58:04 AM »

In  3 months the amount of chaos related to new baby will hopefully be enough for BPDbiomom to sign over her rights.

Is that the next step that you and your H are going for?

Having legal custody is huge. It has made eliminated a huge amount of stress, and N/BPDx's harassment around the smallest things has tapered off. I hope the same happens for you.

Does your D know about the change?
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« Reply #14 on: March 02, 2014, 10:05:34 AM »

One of our longtime members here, Her Mother, had raised her SD since the mother was BPD and literally a prostitute, drug addict, thief, BF-stabber and child abuser.  Every few months the mother would apply for and get government support based on knowing her daughter's SSN.  For our member it was a years-long struggle to end the other's parental rights so she could adopt.  So if you can get it done simpler and quicker, then do try but don't be surprised with last minute hurdles.

Nothing is sure with promises, not until it is signed, filed and ordered.  And even then it may still not be sure.
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newlymarried
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« Reply #15 on: March 02, 2014, 10:21:11 PM »

Is that the next step that you and your H are going for?

Having legal custody is huge. It has made eliminated a huge amount of stress, and N/BPDx's harassment around the smallest things has tapered off. I hope the same happens for you.

Does your D know about the change?

My H has said that if he could get me to adopt kiddo today he would have me sign the papers.

It won't be that much change for SD5. BPDbiomom hasn't shown up for most of her parenting time. Kiddo only expects every other weekend. I am going to work a second job to be able to afford a lawyer, then have the case moved to our state. BPDbiomom is currently driving on a suspended license and her car has no brake lights. If we move it here, BPDbiomom won't make it for court dates.
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« Reply #16 on: March 02, 2014, 10:26:40 PM »

One of our longtime members here, Her Mother, had raised her SD since the mother was BPD and literally a prostitute, drug addict, thief, BF-stabber and child abuser.  Every few months the mother would apply for and get government support based on knowing her daughter's SSN.  For our member it was a years-long struggle to end the other's parental rights so she could adopt.  So if you can get it done simpler and quicker, then do try but don't be surprised with last minute hurdles.

Nothing is sure with promises, not until it is signed, filed and ordered.  And even then it may still not be sure.

Our BPDbiomom fits almost all of those descriptors as well, with the exception of stabbing. By my H having sole decision making, it is the first step in moving towards me adopting kiddo. I would adopt her immediately if I could. The new baby will be too much for her. Her parents aren't really helping her out any more. My DH hasn't rescued her. She has run out of people to use.
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