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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: She found out about the wedding  (Read 405 times)
ShannonRT

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« on: February 25, 2014, 03:26:19 PM »

Fiance's uBPDex-wife was rudely reading the screen on his phone over his shoulder at a school event last night and happened to see an old text he sent to his Dad about the wedding we are planning on our beach vacation in late July.

Now, she knew were were planning a family beach vacation with the kids and she has known for a few weeks we were "thinking" about getting married there, but we hadn't told her any definite plans... . for obvious reasons.

You can imagine the reaction. She completely flipped her lid. So for nearly 24 straight hours, DF has endured almost constant text messages and name-calling, to which he has given very little response. The standard "this is none of your business, leave me alone, etc"

She is also taking a beach vacation with the kids and her brother's family at the beginning of July. So her major malfunction with our plan is that we are trying to "one-up" her trip and the kids are going to have more fun with us.

I guess a pwBPD makes every situation about them and the whole world and everyone in it (especially DF and I) are always out to ruin their lives in any way possible. This is what I am learning.

Sheesh.
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DreamGirl
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« Reply #1 on: February 27, 2014, 06:02:19 PM »

She is also taking a beach vacation with the kids and her brother's family at the beginning of July. So her major malfunction with our plan is that we are trying to "one-up" her trip and the kids are going to have more fun with us.

I guess a pwBPD makes every situation about them and the whole world and everyone in it (especially DF and I) are always out to ruin their lives in any way possible. This is what I am learning.

Sheesh.

Maybe. Smiling (click to insert in post)

She's a fear driven creature. This is probably her truth - she's afraid that you are going to be one upping the vacation, so you must be trying to one up the vacation.

Feelings = facts (for a pwBPD)

I anticipated a lot of drama when it came to my wedding. We eloped for a lot of reasons, and she certainly was one of them, but that's OK. It was better that we were 1000 miles apart.

My perception helped me a lot that day... .

She called in her typical way and was crying and carrying on. She let me know how upset she was on my wedding day. Smiling (click to insert in post)

The day before she called about an emergency with the kids that was hardly an emergency.

I know how she is, I accept her in all her glory, I realize this was hard for her, and I understand that she has really lousy coping skills.

So I took it all with a grain of salt because as much as she was trying to make it about her, I knew that it was about her. She has a hard time with my being married to her ex and being in the lives of her children. I get that. I can only imagine being her.

I didn't compound the drama by reacting to her - "this is none of your business, leave me alone, etc"

I suggested before in maybe trying a different approach.  The above statement is pretty invalidating and I've found that invalidation + BPD don't mix very well. It doesn't feel very natural to use the tools offered here - but it can help reduce the conflict.

-DG
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« Reply #2 on: February 27, 2014, 10:40:15 PM »

I didn't compound the drama by reacting to her - "this is none of your business, leave me alone, etc"

I suggested before in maybe trying a different approach.  The above statement is pretty invalidating and I've found that invalidation + BPD don't mix very well. It doesn't feel very natural to use the tools offered here - but it can help reduce the conflict.

-DG

DG, I agree with you 100% about the invalidating statements, but what I think DH and I struggle with is how much validation to give?  I mean, it seems that if he responds to her cognitive distortions with validation, she just keeps seeking more validation about other things, and it seems to go on forever.  And, I am sorry, we just don't have the kind of time and emotional resources to continue to validate.  

The analogy that comes to mind is having a kid with a slightly scratched knee who demands to go to the doctor to make sure he doesn't get a blood infection…but in this case, we take the kid to the doctor just to avoid the conflict.  Sometimes it just doesn't seem worth it to validate.

She is not going to be happy about you getting married.  Just remember that engaging her in dialogue about it, even if you think that you are "setting a boundary," is actually fueling the conflict more.  She's not feeling understood so all she is going to do is shout louder until you show some understanding.  But then you may run into the problem I mentioned in the first paragraph.

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DreamGirl
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« Reply #3 on: February 28, 2014, 10:49:01 AM »

DG, I agree with you 100% about the invalidating statements, but what I think DH and I struggle with is how much validation to give?  I mean, it seems that if he responds to her cognitive distortions with validation, she just keeps seeking more validation about other things, and it seems to go on forever.  And, I am sorry, we just don't have the kind of time and emotional resources to continue to validate.

I totally get this! And honestly, when I'm depleted (from sickness, lack of sleep, other life issues) - I don't always have the energy either. Or the mindset. I think there is a lot of value in taking a break. Smiling (click to insert in post)

It's also not just about her either for me. It's a life skill that helps in a lot of my relationships. It's when my son says "you care more about my brother then you do me!" that prevents me from saying "No I don't!"

It's a completely invalidating statement with my telling him that his feelings don't count.

His feelings are valid. Everyone's are. The truth is what is up for discussion.     

She is not going to be happy about you getting married.  Just remember that engaging her in dialogue about it, even if you think that you are "setting a boundary," is actually fueling the conflict more.  She's not feeling understood so all she is going to do is shout louder until you show some understanding.  But then you may run into the problem I mentioned in the first paragraph.

Agreed. All of us seem to trade one set of problems for another.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I think it's about keeping to your own values. I'm not in the habit of telling someone to "mind your own business".

I'd probably just say something along the lines of "I'm sorry this is so upsetting for you. The wedding coinciding with your big vacation might have been bad timing on my part. It wasn't my intention to compete. Even then, weddings are stressful most of the time, vacations are fun!"

It doesn't come natural though, when someone is calling you names. 
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« Reply #4 on: February 28, 2014, 02:53:51 PM »

I totally get this! And honestly, when I'm depleted (from sickness, lack of sleep, other life issues) - I don't always have the energy either. Or the mindset. I think there is a lot of value in taking a break. Smiling (click to insert in post)

It's also not just about her either for me. It's a life skill that helps in a lot of my relationships. It's when my son says "you care more about my brother then you do me!" that prevents me from saying "No I don't!"

It's a completely invalidating statement with my telling him that his feelings don't count.

His feelings are valid. Everyone's are. The truth is what is up for discussion.     

I am all about validating people's feelings when I care about them.  I don't care about BPD mom really... . maybe I should, but I don't.  I don't want her to get gravely ill or anything, but that is because I care about her kids.

In those situations when BPD mom is being unreasonable, my natural response is not validating really, but it is to ignore. My head says, "Grow up and calm down.  I don't have time to deal with this nonsense."   When my kids are crying and throwing a fit for not getting their way, I insist that they calm down before I will have a discussion about the situation.  I make it a point to them that they will NEVER get their way when they are out of control.  I guess I have that mindset about BPD mom as well (and so does DH--he's the one who deals with her anyway).
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bravhart1
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« Reply #5 on: February 28, 2014, 03:37:49 PM »

It never ceases to amaze me Dreamgirl how you have such a healthy perspective on you DH's ex.

Our's is making us all crazy here and after a whole day of her making her child's illness, dog bite and trouble in school all about her I want to kick something!

How do I find that compassion for my crazy-baby-mama that you have found with yours?

I am angry she got mad at SD5 for waking her up with an ear infection. I am angry she did not mention it to us at the exchange or think to take her to the Dr. When we informed her we were taking SD5 to Dr. she insisted that I not go.(ok, I can do that) and then made the visit all about how she was sick. Even suggesting that since it was DH's child that made her sick that he should buy her over the counter meds to make her feel better.

I am angry that when a 150lb dog bit SD5 in the face she refuses to acknowledge that SD5 needs more supervision around dogs. And continues to BLAME HER OWN 5 year old!

And when she speaks nothing but ill of me to her 5yo then acts surprised when said 5yo speaks out in the same manner to school mates, she blames me for that too!

How do I find compassion for a woman who is so entirely selfish and cruel and unfeeling of others?

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livednlearned
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« Reply #6 on: February 28, 2014, 07:28:10 PM »

It never ceases to amaze me Dreamgirl how you have such a healthy perspective on you DH's ex.

Our's is making us all crazy here and after a whole day of her making her child's illness, dog bite and trouble in school all about her I want to kick something!

How do I find that compassion for my crazy-baby-mama that you have found with yours?

I am angry she got mad at SD5 for waking her up with an ear infection. I am angry she did not mention it to us at the exchange or think to take her to the Dr. When we informed her we were taking SD5 to Dr. she insisted that I not go.(ok, I can do that) and then made the visit all about how she was sick. Even suggesting that since it was DH's child that made her sick that he should buy her over the counter meds to make her feel better.

I am angry that when a 150lb dog bit SD5 in the face she refuses to acknowledge that SD5 needs more supervision around dogs. And continues to BLAME HER OWN 5 year old!

And when she speaks nothing but ill of me to her 5yo then acts surprised when said 5yo speaks out in the same manner to school mates, she blames me for that too!

How do I find compassion for a woman who is so entirely selfish and cruel and unfeeling of others?

A couple of things have been helping me shift my attitude toward N/BPDx's behavior.

The first is trying to really, really, really understand what DreamGirl said about pwBPD being fear driven. Fear = facts = conflict. With N/BPDx, it's usually shame. So for me it's shame = facts = conflict.

The second is realizing that all I'm validating is the fear/shame. Just the fear/shame. Not the behavior. Not the neglect. Nothing else. Just the fear/shame. I try to set aside the behavior and the conflict and the shenanigans and just focus on this person feeling fear/shame.

It's seriously hard work.

What helps is seeing it work.

What also helps is letting him feel like he is winning. This one can be super hard.

The best is when the conflict is minimized and I feel like a secret genius.

Admittedly, I cannot do this all the time. Sometimes ignoring him is the best thing. Sometimes I'm just plain pissed off. And sometimes it doesn't work for whatever reason.

But incrementally, over time, and a ton of putting myself in touch with how much shame or fear he feels -- I dunno, it just makes things easier for me, and better for S12.

DreamGirl is definitely on a whole other plane with this stuff. Yoda she is  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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ShannonRT

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« Reply #7 on: March 01, 2014, 09:43:12 PM »

I can't figure out how you guys do the partial quotes, but I agree with bravhart about being angry and unable to find compassion. That's where I am right now. And it hard for me to comprehend too how DreamGirl can seemingly be so patient and understanding with her pwBPD.

I'm going to be brutally honest here. I'm beyond angry. I'm royally pissed off. I'm physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted from dealing with her drama on a daily basis. And we're not even married yet.

I don't give a rat's ass about validating her feelings or making her feel better or helping her cope with her life. That's not my job and I don't understand how it's my fiance's job either. What we do IS none of her business so why is that the wrong thing to say?

Yes, they have to co-parent together. That does not mean, IMO, they have to argue and fight daily and be enmeshed in each other's lives for all eternity. I realize my ex-husband didn't have BPD, but we successfully co-parented from the time DD was 6.

This rant isn't just about earlier this week with her finding about the wedding. The drama from that actually died down and we had a couple of days of peace... . until today.

Today's fiasco didn't even have anything to do with me (for a change), but she got upset about something and called DF ranting and started an argument. The kids were with her and they had been arguing with each other and DF had been trying to talk to them too. Things escalated and the kids were crying and she was screaming and name-calling and DF was trying to defuse everything and get everyone calmed down.

Apparently he said something to her at one point that if she couldn't get herself under control then maybe the kids would need to come stay with him for awhile until she could get some help. He probably could've handled that better... . he wasn't threatening to take the kids away from her, but that was how it was interpreted.

She hung up on him and he immediately got a phone call from S13 who was hysterical... . "Mom said you were going to take us away from her and if you did, she would kill herself."

Now... . she says she didn't say that. She claims she said something like "If you went to live with your Dad I would have nothing to live for." Whatever she did say was said to D12 and repeated to/interpreted by S13 so who knows?

Nothing like this has ever happened before. DF is beside himself. We are both at a loss and feel like we are at the end of our rope. The real kicker is... . she actually went to counseling TWICE this week. Once with each kid, at their request, and they both had positive things to say about their sessions. Otherwise, she refuses to get help.

So... . DF has more than enough reasons for the kids to live with him full-time. That's not what he wants to do. Right now, the kids aren't to the point that they don't want to live with their Mom, although I do think we're headed in that direction.

But... . now we have this threat, however empty it may be, of self-harm hanging over our heads if we do take any action towards her. She said her statement was just an emotional knee-jerk reaction, but you can't help but think "What if?"

We are in a lose/lose situation. And I'm sorry, but I can't help but feel pissed off about it. I can't seem to find my compassion. She's hurting her children and the man I love.
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livednlearned
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« Reply #8 on: March 02, 2014, 09:20:02 AM »

We are in a lose/lose situation. And I'm sorry, but I can't help but feel pissed off about it. I can't seem to find my compassion. She's hurting her children and the man I love.

I don't think that what I'm feeling is compassion, exactly. I never thought to myself, "I need to feel compassion for this person who is ruining my life." It was more like finding myself faced with a bunch of paths, all of them different ways of dealing with an impossible person.

I tried a bunch of different ones, none of them got me where I wanted to be. None of them made N/BPDx change his behavior.

The best path for me was realizing the only person I had any control over was me. Bit of a rude awakening to realize that, but it's been the only thing that works. I use it now with everyone -- bosses, coworkers, colleagues, boy friend. I started to map my own reactions, and watched my own behavior, thoughts, feelings. I was much more reactive than I wanted to be. Actually, it was more severe than that. I thought, If I don't figure out something different, I'm going to end up ill. Or losing what I want, which was to raise S12 to be emotionally healthy.

Compassion -- I dunno. Maybe someone here can say in a few short words what I'm trying to say in too many. Compassion would be that I have to feel pity or kindness toward N/BPDx. That isn't really what's motivating me. It isn't why I try to feel empathy for him. I try to feel empathy to help me, which is having a collateral positive effect on S12.

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« Reply #9 on: March 02, 2014, 04:16:01 PM »

such a worthy topic. and one that hits at the heart of it all. I read posts on here about people just getting involved with a BPD and want to scream "get out while you can"!

I'm kind of pissed that I found this amazing guy and we fell in love and got married and somehow we are "in charge of taking care of his crazy ex". (hope my use of crazy isn't offensive, I don't mean it to be, just kind of the right word for the situation)

She is difficult to be difficult, puts her own needs and desires leaps and bounds above her only child.

She is vengeful, rude, mean, a vicious liar, and on occasion physically abusive.

And all the while claims to be the victim. Blames everyone else for all her self inflicted problems and won't be calm or rational for a single conversation.

All while screaming from the roof tops she is the "Best Mother Ever"!

I want her out of my life! But alas I don't have that option.  Guess that's why we are all here.

But once in a while I would love to see someone write "Its not FAIR"! LOL

I know I'm five right now, but I'm completely overwhelmed and not feeling like Gandhi.
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« Reply #10 on: March 02, 2014, 04:44:34 PM »

*******crossed with bravhart1

I love how livednlearned put it. We are faced with these paths... . and we all have to figure out the one that is going to work. All of the BPD sufferers that we deal with are simply different people - and we all find our own place in how to cope and deal.

I can't figure out how you guys do the partial quotes, but I agree with bravhart about being angry and unable to find compassion. That's where I am right now. And it hard for me to comprehend too how DreamGirl can seemingly be so patient and understanding with her pwBPD.

I'm going to be brutally honest here. I'm beyond angry. I'm royally pissed off. I'm physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted from dealing with her drama on a daily basis. And we're not even married yet.

I don't give a rat's ass about validating her feelings or making her feel better or helping her cope with her life. That's not my job and I don't understand how it's my fiance's job either. What we do IS none of her business so why is that the wrong thing to say?

So, for the record. Smiling (click to insert in post)

I've been at this the better part of 10 years. I've also had a couple of really bad moments (ready to walk out on my marriage) along with a couple of "a-ha" moments, where I was able to see the beating heart of a pretty broken woman. I also happen to like the pwBPD in my life. Very much. There are moments where I have a hard time saying that, when she's being extra pesky, bur for the most part - she is the mother to three of the most important people in my life. I consider her a part of my family - and so my giving a rat's arse about validating her feelings has a lot more to do with them then it does with her.

I also don't think there is a "right" or "wrong" thing to say. I think there is a "right for me" thing to say.

I also think it is so important to stay in line with your value system, and not let my behavior be based on her behavior.

I don't tend to say to anyone "that's none of your business", because that's not who I am. I care about people. I care about other people's feelings. So expressing a boundary in such a hostile way is just not who I am. She's also the mother of my stepdaughters and I would never advocate that they talk to their mama in those terms, and so if I express myself in such a way - I'm telling them that it's OK and I don't think it's OK. So when she treats me that way (which she totally would) and I don't react or act out based on her behavior, I'm letting those three little girls know that they get to choose how they want to be... . otherwise you have two sets of parents just treating each other like crap.

It's also OK if you think that it is OK. I get that.

I do have compassion for her. A lot actually. I have a mantra that I repeat that says "it must be so hard being her" - because struggling that much in your self worth has got to be really, really difficult. I've also watched 36 videos on BPD and I've learned that she experiences life different then I do. The most profound statement was by Dr. Marsha Linehan (creator of DBT and BPD sufferer) who describes it as being "emotionally sunburned" - where even the smallest slight feels so unbearably painful. I know what it's like to be depressed and the doom and gloom of that experience is her everyday life. I simply can not imagine trying to live my life in that state.

I also completely understand being frustrated and not really caring how or what she feels when her coping skills include trying to drag me into that miserable state. I also remember the wise words of one of the members here who told me that my perception is the most powerful aspect that I have in this.

So I changed my perception. I humanized her. I validate her. I use SET when I need a boundary. I use DEARMAN when I want her to do something that I know she doesn't want to do. I tell her that she's a good mom when she's crying that she's not. I hug her when a situation becomes too much for her.

I also grew really tired of hating her - because that's just not who I am.    

But it took a lot to get to this place and again, she is not the same person as the others mentioned in this thread. I've just learned not to take her really bad coping skills personally. I just see it as a bad coping skill, not as something that any one of us deserves or does not deserve. It took a lot of letting go and understanding of the disorder to get to this place though.

I hope that all makes sense.

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bravhart1
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« Reply #11 on: March 02, 2014, 05:05:41 PM »

DG

Was it always so?  Were you ever at the place where I am?  My SD5's mother wouldn't speak to me to save her life. Kind of hard to be nice to someone who villainize's you from the moment she found out you exist.

I would be happy to be nice to her, make friends, make things a million times easier for kiddo. But she treats my existence like a crime against humanity.

How can I open communication with that? She has refused the idea of me going to co-parent counseling with her and DH, won't be open to getting an email, and won't share her address (yes I know it's against the court order). Yet still sends messages to me through the teacher (by way of accusations) other mothers (who will come tell me to be nicer to her)

through emails to DH where she tells him the numerous lies about what I'm doing wrong to SD5.

And finally through SD5, who tells me "my mom hates you and she says she wants to smash in your ugly face).

Help me find my inner angel to that? Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #12 on: March 02, 2014, 05:06:22 PM »

But once in a while I would love to see someone write "Its not FAIR"! LOL

It's definitely not fair  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Especially when you didn't pick this difficult person to be in your life. I haven't told S12 my bf's last name because I don't want N/BPDx to find out who he is. And I don't want S12 to know where bf works, where he lives, or anything about him that N/BPDx could use to track him. It can be severe what some SOs experience when there is a disordered ex involved in raising the kids. My guess is that N/BPDx would mostly engage in an email campaign. My bf thinks his sister is uBPD so he's familiar with how things work, and he says he isn't afraid of N/BPDx. But I just don't want the drama. It's easier this way. N/BPDx saw bf leaving my house one night when he dropped off S12 early, and that started some drama, mostly affecting S12.

I think this is one of those ways where I don't feel compassion for N/BPDx, necessarily. It's more that I have empathy for what he might be feeling. It would be difficult if N/BPDx started dating someone that I didn't know, getting to know my son. Doing fun things with S12. It stirs up a lot of feelings in me that I would have to work through whether N/BPDx was disordered or not.

So I get it. I can imagine how it would feel if N/BPDx said he was getting married and S12 was going to be there, that it would be a big vacation. And I wasn't included. Just basic core human feelings.

The hard part is how pwBPD respond by lashing out or obstructing or all of the above. I can't control it, and honestly, I can't ignore it either. I just work on getting myself to a good place, not reacting, not letting N/BPDx rent space in my head. Everyone else be damned  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)





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« Reply #13 on: March 02, 2014, 08:38:32 PM »

I'm trying very hard to change my perception and my reaction to her behavior. I know in my head that she is who she is and the only thing I have control over is my own reactions. But that is MUCH easier said than done.

We've been at this for over a year and things just keep getting worse and worse. She keeps saying she will try harder and things will get easier for her as she gets used to everything, especially when we are married and I move in, blah, blah, blah. I don't believe that for a second.

It's not that I don't care about her or her feelings or am trying to be hostile in any way. I am actually a very nice and caring person under normal circumstances.

But I have reached out to her numerous times trying to make our relationship better. She just isn't willing to have a civil, friendly relationship with me.

So... . I'm done. Fresh out of olive branches. She is choosing to hate me and I don't feel like there is any way to change that. Unless she gets some major therapy, which she refuses.

I'm sure it's very hard being her and I do feel sorry for her. I can't imagine being that miserable all the time. Which is why she needs to seek help.

DF and I feel like we are backed into a corner with her and there is no way out. So we are just trying to have as little contact as possible unless it involves the kids. But even then, that only seems to last for a few days 
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« Reply #14 on: March 02, 2014, 10:27:14 PM »

Just a few thoughts here... . A vacation notice is a notice, not a request.  Ex doesn't get to approve or disapprove of vacation notices.  Just be sure the vacation notice is sent before hers or you may find out that she decided to choose your dates.  Even if the notice is emailed, does it have to be mailed too?  If so, be sure to get at least Certificate of Mailing in case she claims she was never notified or notified properly.

Also, be prepared for surprises.  What will you do if the kids come back late or not at all and the plane reservations and tickets have to be changed?  What if the kids come back with green or blue hair?  What if... . you get the idea.
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
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« Reply #15 on: March 03, 2014, 10:27:35 AM »

Yes, back to the wedding... .

It's true. We've had vacation plans foiled just about every time. Well every time she knew about them in advance. Have some contingency plans.

We ended up eloping and not telling her about it until we had SD5 for a long stretch so she could have her own feelings about it for some time before her mom shared her feelings.

One thing that we continue to drive home with BPDmom is that "You are entitled to your feelings and opinions about whatever you like, you are not however entitled to SD5's feelings or opinions".

She doesn't have to like me, but she has no right to tell her D5 who to like in her father's life. Doesn't work, but at least we are clear about it. LOL

It's hard and d*amn it it's NOT FAIR! But I have to believe I was put in SD5's life for a reason and that my amazing husband is my reward. Best of luck, and keep us updated on how things are going. We Care! Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Thunderstruck
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 823



« Reply #16 on: March 03, 2014, 11:17:25 AM »

I could have written your story. Every word of it, down to the uBPDbm's suicide threat in front of SD9 after finding out we were engaged.

BM turned it around and said that it was SD9 threatening suicide, so we went to the school counselor and said "We don't know what's going on, but if either story is true then SD9 needs help." We haven't been able to get uBPDbm to cooperate about getting SD9 counseling so it was a way to get SD9 someone to talk to. The school is a mandatory reporter, so it's up to them to call if they think it's abuse. It took a lot of the weight off of us in "having to deal" with the situation and got a few more people keeping eyes on SD9 just in case something happens when we're not around.

About once a month I lose my cool and cry to my SO that things just suck. uBPDbm lies, manipulates, rages, uses the daughter as a pawn, bullies, is selfish, blames. It's never ending and it's frustrating as heck. And who is her target? ME.

Then when SD9 feels bad (about anything, really) who does she blame? ME. Can't have candy for breakfast? It's all Thunderstruck's fault! Got in trouble at school? It's all Thunderstruck's fault! Mom promised to take you to the fair this weekend but went with her boyfriend instead? It's all Thunderstruck's fault! And her mom feeds that.

I feel like I'm unable to complain because people say "Well, she is the mother after all. It's not your child" while I'm the one cooking, cleaning, de-lousing, giving medicine, disciplining, encouraging, helping with hw, playing, attending parent-teacher conferences, clipping toenails... . where is BM? And does SD9 appreciate it? Nope. Her mother walks on water and I'm the punching bag.

Then this weekend I was with a friend who is also a step and had hung out with her H's ex, socially! They had a conversation! And my friend got to tell her that something that bothered her, and they worked it out! I was green with envy.

Sometimes it's too much. I just pray for uBPDbm to find peace and I pray for the patience and tools to help SD9.
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"Rudeness is the weak person's imitation of strength."

"The sun shines and warms and lights us and we have no curiosity to know why this is so. But we ask the reason of all evil, of pain, and hunger, and mosquitos and silly people." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
ShannonRT

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Engaged (wedding is July 2014)
Posts: 30


« Reply #17 on: March 03, 2014, 12:58:16 PM »

Thanks to everyone for the responses and the support. It really does help so much to know that others are going through exactly what I'm going through.

Unlike others, I am fortunate in that both kids are very supportive of me and my relationship with their Dad. So far. They are very much aware that their Mom's behavior is not normal and are becoming very impatient and intolerant of her shenanigans. Luckily they see through the crazy and are not blaming me or their Dad for any of the conflict. Hopefully this will be able to continue once we are married and all living under the same roof, every other week anyway. They are older though, and both seeing a counselor. I think trying to "win over" a 5-year-old in such a complex situation would be extremely difficult.

As far as the wedding and vacation goes, the week we are going is DF's scheduled week with the kids. He has 50% custody, every other week, so there isn't a whole lot she could do to sabotage it. Her week of vacation is earlier in the month and also her scheduled custody week. To my knowledge, they are not required in their parenting plan to officially notify each other by written e-mail or snail mail of vacation plans. They don't have anything as rigid as that. Funny thing is... . before I came along, they were really good friends and apparently communicated well with very little arguing and fighting 
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