PA, guilt trip & suicide threat

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Just got a message from S22 - a very long message. S22 and D20 have been n/c since last week when he blew up at me and got verbally abusive over the phone in relation to the following.

uexH (BPD?) has court in a few weeks - support and contempt for not following court order. it's not me taking him to court - it's the gov't agency he brought in to "protect" him. he has made 3 voluntary support payments in 3 yrs.

my hands are tied. choice one, take it out of gov't agency and never see anymore support. choice two, let this play out and let him deal with the situation he's created. there are now five working adults living at his place including sd26, sd'sbf, s22, d20 and exH - all sharing expenses etc. He can afford to pay support - he chooses not to. I have d17, in school full time, living with me.

so message today is that it is my fault he has to go to court and they are starving, without heat because of the support he's been giving me (repeat, he has not been paying the support). that if I make exH go to court and they put him in jail exH will quit his job and exH is talking suicide.

that if I don't make this go away, they (the kids) will never forgive me for doing this to him... . lots of name-calling and accusations I've heard before (adultery, neglect, strict discipline, lies, manipulating the courts against him etc - none of it true and really getting sick of hearing it)

huge guilt trip.

There's really no answer anyone can give me. I am sharing this only because the more I read about PA, and how serious it can get, and my story is living proof of how bad it can get - I just want to share it in hopes that someone else here will read it and see how being passive and "amicable" and letting things slide to avoid the conflict can do more harm than good. Get those mediators involved, turn to the professionals as much as possible, keep on your toes and don't let down your guard.

I wish to God I would have fought harder to prevent him from doing this to 2 of our children. I didn't because I thought the fight would be more harmful. Well, I believe now, the fight then would have saved them from the insanity and manipulation they live with now. I know more and more, I can't save 2 of my kids from him - they are adults now and have to make the choice to get away from him on their own.

So, please, don't let get it this far in your own lives. There is NO compromise, there is NO working with a BPD ex - sorry, I have no sympathy for their illness, not anymore. Fight for your kids - yes, they will be hurt by all of it but it's easier to repair the damage if they're with you than watch them travel into the bowels of insane hell living with the BPD. Work with counsellors, mediators, attorneys and any other professionals you can, because what you do now will save your kids and yourself a whole lot of heartbreak later.

Best of luck to you

[questioncentral]

Just got a message from S22 - a very long message. S22 and D20 have been n/c since last week when he blew up at me and got verbally abusive over the phone in relation to the following.

uexH (BPD?) has court in a few weeks - support and contempt for not following court order. it's not me taking him to court - it's the gov't agency he brought in to "protect" him. he has made 3 voluntary support payments in 3 yrs.

my hands are tied. choice one, take it out of gov't agency and never see anymore support. choice two, let this play out and let him deal with the situation he's created. there are now five working adults living at his place including sd26, sd'sbf, s22, d20 and exH - all sharing expenses etc. He can afford to pay support - he chooses not to. I have d17, in school full time, living with me.

so message today is that it is my fault he has to go to court and they are starving, without heat because of the support he's been giving me (repeat, he has not been paying the support). that if I make exH go to court and they put him in jail exH will quit his job and exH is talking suicide.

that if I don't make this go away, they (the kids) will never forgive me for doing this to him... . lots of name-calling and accusations I've heard before (adultery, neglect, strict discipline, lies, manipulating the courts against him etc - none of it true and really getting sick of hearing it)

huge guilt trip.

There's really no answer anyone can give me. I am sharing this only because the more I read about PA, and how serious it can get, and my story is living proof of how bad it can get - I just want to share it in hopes that someone else here will read it and see how being passive and "amicable" and letting things slide to avoid the conflict can do more harm than good. Get those mediators involved, turn to the professionals as much as possible, keep on your toes and don't let down your guard.

I wish to God I would have fought harder to prevent him from doing this to 2 of our children. I didn't because I thought the fight would be more harmful. Well, I believe now, the fight then would have saved them from the insanity and manipulation they live with now. I know more and more, I can't save 2 of my kids from him - they are adults now and have to make the choice to get away from him on their own.

So, please, don't let get it this far in your own lives. There is NO compromise, there is NO working with a BPD ex - sorry, I have no sympathy for their illness, not anymore. Fight for your kids - yes, they will be hurt by all of it but it's easier to repair the damage if they're with you than watch them travel into the bowels of insane hell living with the BPD. Work with counsellors, mediators, attorneys and any other professionals you can, because what you do now will save your kids and yourself a whole lot of heartbreak later.

Best of luck to you

[questioncentral]

Just got a message from S22 - a very long message. S22 and D20 have been n/c since last week when he blew up at me and got verbally abusive over the phone in relation to the following.

Sorry that should have said "... . have been n/c since last week when exH blew up at me... . "

And the court hearing is for default on support and contempt. support was determined by court yrs ago - he's made 3 voluntary payments and the rest through garnishment, but almost all of them were partial payments and sporadic (usually not at all).

Just wanted to fix that because on reading it again, it didn't make sense... .

I posted without previewing and I'm not sure how to edit on here yet.