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Author Topic: Tell me I am not crazy  (Read 388 times)
amaris
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Relationship status: married 13 years
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« on: February 27, 2014, 11:43:54 AM »

   Okay, I know how my BPDh operates, and I have learned how to detach, validate, (though it sneaks up on me and takes me off guard), and watch for signs of dysregulation... . but periodically when it rears its head I have to go over an over what he says to me to determine if there is any truth because of his very immature behavior.   Last night he was perfectly fine and we went out for a bite to eat, and in the middle of dinner, he proceeded to tell me he is very upset with me because I won't follow him and watch him when he speaks in churches.   He so needs my audience and I would gladly give it to him, but I don't trust him... . when I do what he wants and shower him with the proper accolades and he has made a public show of me on his arm, so people will think well of him, he then wants more.  It is never enough, so then I fall down his black hole of never being enough.  So, I have learned to have boundaries and show support for what he does but stay detached.  He just takes up too much of my energy.  So, last night he proceeded to start in on me, ruining my meal, telling me how much in sin I am as his wife, and basically after I started to reason with him, I realized he was hearing nothign of what I said, nor did he care about my feelings, I told him I was sorry he is disappointed in me but that I will never live up to his expectations... . to which he railed on me all the way home... . (I hate being trapped in a car with him)... . this morning he gets up like a zombie, (we sleep in separate rooms thank God) acting as if I don't exist.  I am willing to act as if nothign happened for I have learned there will be no reasoning, communication, or saying he is sorry for hurting me.  He ignored my 'good morning' slammed the door in my face and then left to go God knows where for he isn't working... . all to punish me.   Why do we spouses of BPD's always spend so much time thinking maybe if I changed something he will be okay?   I know that can never be... . so then I feel like how can I live the rest of my life like this.  No one else has ever stayed with him this long.  I am his 4th  wife... . duh... . gotta watch those warning signs!   I have my own business as a Life Coach, author and speaker and think I am constantly irritating him in my success... . so, is there anyone out there to reassure me that I am not blowing it here?   
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Cloudy Days
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 1095



« Reply #1 on: February 27, 2014, 12:35:40 PM »

Your NOT Crazy!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

I also hate being trapped in a car with my husband, it's a very helpless feeling because they know you can't just walk away, I honestly think I have PTSD because of it. I used to change everything about myself for my husband, I have learned that no matter how much you change yourself, he is going to keep asking for more change until you are just a shell of a person, and none of the changes my husband asks me to make are healthy for a relationship. I think in the beginning I changed simple things because I always thought that I loved him so I wanted to make him happy and it was something small that didn't really affect me too much. Then he starts asking for bigger things and you think well if this works then we can be happy. Then it just keeps happening and you start to realize that this is a never ending black pit and you are making it worse by feeding it. Now he feels disrespected if I don't change for him, because if I truly loved him I would. But that is not love in any fashion. I have stayed longer with my husband than anyone else, although this is both our first marriage. It makes me feel like something is obviously wrong with me, because anyone else would have left by now.

Also there is a thread on here about whether or not your partner is proud of you. It seems to be a big trend that when we are good at something they become threatened by it because  it gives you confidence. They don't want you to get your head too big by being confident in yourself and leave them so they cut you down about it when they feel threatened by it. Ultimately this is something that has nothing to do with him and that is usually threatening to them that you can be successful without him.
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It's not the future you are afraid of, it's repeating the past that makes you anxious.
an0ught
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: married
Posts: 5048



« Reply #2 on: February 27, 2014, 01:51:01 PM »

Sounds like he is unhappy how his activities are going and he is projecting it on you. I doubt anything would be fixed if you were there and there is good reason to believe some time apart actually helps stabilizing the marriage.

Excerpt
I told him I was sorry he is disappointed in me but that I will never live up to his expectations... .

Tough to validate this stuff Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) Indeed, not possible to meet his standards so just get it out in the open.

Technical validation note: Leave the "I'm sorry" out and start straight with him

Are you crazy?

Not more than the rest of us  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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  Writing is self validation. Writing on bpdfamily is self validation squared!
OldnTired

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« Reply #3 on: February 28, 2014, 12:01:48 PM »

Excerpt
this morning he gets up like a zombie, (we sleep in separate rooms thank God) acting as if I don't exist.  I am willing to act as if nothign happened for I have learned there will be no reasoning, communication, or saying he is sorry for hurting me.  He ignored my 'good morning' slammed the door in my face 

I have exactly this behaviour from my partner too. This is difficult to deal with as I know the only way to engage with him in this state is to apologise for "what I did wrong". 

I think you have set a boundary about not going to the church. So the question really is what do we do if our BPD partner gets angry because we are keeping to a boundary? I'm only just learning about boundaries so I'd like to know that too! I assume it will involve some sort of dialogue, but how do you do that if he is pretending you don't exist?
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dawnjd
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Relationship status: domestic partners on trial seperation
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« Reply #4 on: March 01, 2014, 11:12:53 PM »

It seems to be a big trend that when we are good at something they become threatened by it because  it gives you confidence. They don't want you to get your head too big by being confident in yourself and leave them so they cut you down about it when they feel threatened by it. Ultimately this is something that has nothing to do with him and that is usually threatening to them that you can be successful without him.

This seems to be soo true. I recently finished my dissertation and defended and it has be high hell around here... . He even uses my success to attack me. "Well, I am so sorry I can't be perfect like you, DOCTOR." It just screams insecurity to me... . it is easy to ignore in bits and pieces, but I start to feel crazy when he does it over and over.
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waverider
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Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
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If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #5 on: March 02, 2014, 05:56:07 AM »

 Why do we spouses of BPD's always spend so much time thinking maybe if I changed something he will be okay?   I know that can never be... .  

Why don't we spouses of BPD's always spend so much time thinking maybe if I changed something I will be okay?   I know that can be... .

Doesnt take much to change a way of thinking
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  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
amaris
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Relationship status: married 13 years
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« Reply #6 on: March 20, 2014, 09:52:54 PM »

Thank you to all of you... . this site is so validating... I got through it and now he is doing it again... . I lost control tonight because he knows the one thing that can trigger me... . it is my love for my grown kids.  He is so jealous of them... . they all have lives of their own... . He hurts me every time when I want to do something for them, saying he is never important enough for me to do those things for him... . I think he forgets that NO ONE would ever stay with him... .    I have to remember and be prepared for his rage when it comes about my kids.   Do any of you ever feel hate for your spouse at these moments.   I find myself wishing he would die.   that shows the extent of what happens when I lose it.   I  know it is my escape thinking, sometimes I just don't want to see him anymore... . let alone listen to his endless talk that switches on a dime... .   I have to remember to not say I am sorry when validating him... . can you believe I am a successful life coach?   
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maxen
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« Reply #7 on: March 20, 2014, 10:03:19 PM »

I recently finished my dissertation and defended

i did that once, so congratulations, dr dawnjd!
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