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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: how do your kids deal with difficult feelings?  (Read 382 times)
livednlearned
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« on: February 27, 2014, 07:34:49 PM »

All the kids here have a BPD parent, and I'm wondering how your kids deal with difficult feelings? How do they self-soothe? What are their coping mechanisms?

Are there things you are worried about? Is there anything you've done, or are doing, that works for them?

When they are having difficult feelings, do you find yourself struggling to just let them experience those feelings? Or do you let them "go there" and then work with them after?

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« Reply #1 on: February 27, 2014, 07:55:51 PM »

I've seen a lot of misbehaviors, yelling, hitting, kicking, just being mean, etc., as a manifestation of S9 not having coping skills do deal with feelings. While that is not totally abnormal for kids, it is amplified from our situation. It has gotten WAY better from doing therapy for him to learn to talk about his feelings. Now, I do my best to validate his feelings. Sometimes all he needs is for me to listen. I try to put a name to the feelings, so he has a "feelings words" vocabulary. I try to really let him have the feelings and work through it with him that way.

At school, I've found it helpful when he knows he has options when he's having a hard time, like signing up for the counselor.
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PinkieV
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« Reply #2 on: March 01, 2014, 10:03:52 AM »

I think it's important that they "go there" and learn how to "come back" by themselves, with support from us of course while learning. This is a valuable coping tool for life.

My SS13 gets quiet and introspective, and likes to listen to his favorite music LOUD. We call it processing. After a bit it's like a switch being thrown and he's back, talking our ears off and happy. His counselor has told us he developed good coping skills while living with his uBPDm, so we let him work it out on his own unless he asks for help.
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livednlearned
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« Reply #3 on: March 01, 2014, 12:20:55 PM »

My son sees a counselor, and he has come a long way since the days when he curled up in the fetal position at school and tucked himself under the desk... . :'(

But I notice something new. Or maybe the same thing, just a different expression. For a while, I noticed that he would get hurt (say, over a disagreement with a friend). And then he would sorta pout. He used to do a version of this as a little kid. But around 10 to 11 he would make some kind of somatic complaint. His stomach hurt. His head hurt. His foot hurt.

Now, he seems to be saying that he is tired. He had a disagreement with a friend in the back seat of our car. Friend had a game, was playing it, S12 wanted it, friend politely said no. S12 pulled his body to the far side of the car and stared out the window. Not engaging. Not quite intending to hold his friend emotional hostage, but it had that effect. Friend is incredibly nice, and I could tell he didn't have a clue what to do. He looked embarrassed.

I gently cajoled S12 out of it. S12's response was, "I'm just tired that's all."

He says that even when he's not tired.

Basically, whenever he has to be somewhere that he doesn't want to be, or do something he doesn't want to do, or something happens that he doesn't like, he now says he's tired. It used to be his body hurt, now he's tired.

Sometimes, I'm sure he is tired. But I've also seem him very tired, and still manages to handle things in a healthy way.

I'm wondering if he might be depressed, too. His counselor focuses more on anxiety -- I asked her if he could be depressed, and she asked about his sleep and eating habits, both of which are fine. S12 is a little bit introverted and is perfectly happy to hang out on his own, but at school he seems to be social and has friends.

Anyone else dealing with this?
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bravhart1
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« Reply #4 on: March 02, 2014, 04:50:48 PM »

My SD5 is a "I'm tired" girl. She uses it to get her BPD mom off her back when she is being interrogated about her time with Dad.

I think I wouldn't want to take that away from her right now as that's kind of  her only out.

I spend a lot of time soothing her at night before bed. Use kind of like a yoga voice, mantra... . "you can relax now, you don't have any worries tonight, everyone is ok, no one needs you to take care of them, you let me take care of everything and you just rest now... . etc.

She (at five) has already been placed in the "caretaker" role and worries a lot about mom being alone while she is with us. I think maybe being the adult that reminds her that I will take care of her not the other way around might be reassuring.
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livednlearned
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« Reply #5 on: March 02, 2014, 05:25:39 PM »

bravheart1, I only wish I could soothe S12 now the same way I did when he was a kid. I'm admittedly a bit flustered raising a young adolescent boy on my own. My bf has given me some good advice, like recognizing that S12 might not want to hug me because he's starting to deal with body stuff that makes him embarrassed, and I'm his mom, and it's all so confusing. So we fist bump at night instead of hug   Smiling (click to insert in post)

And I try to figure out if he's wanting to talk once the lights are out. Sometimes he'll start something as soon as it's dark, and listening and asking questions tends to be what he wants more than anything else.

I'm glad you said that "I'm tired" is probably an important coping strategy that the kids might genuinely need. I hadn't thought of it that way. I try to notice progress, however small, and I think it's probably better that he says he's tired than curl into the fetal position, or talking about not wanting to live  :'(

Tonight he said something about middle school peers. Basically that they have your back, but they also will attack you and won't share resources (we had been comparing middle school friends to political alliances, something he was studying for social studies). He was in good spirits when he was talking about the relatively low standards for friendship that boys in middle school adhere to, and said he thought it would get better in high school and definitely by college. When he says things like that, it gives me comfort that he can project something better for himself in the future.

I guess it wouldn't be awful if his standard response to frustration was to say, "I'm tired."

I just want him to be able to recognize what's really going on. And then feel ok about it.

But that's hard for grown ups to do, so maybe I'm aiming too high.
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bravhart1
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« Reply #6 on: March 02, 2014, 06:24:40 PM »

He is responding to the feeling of being overwhelmed by emotion. It can feel a lot like exhaustion.

Maybe give him another word or phrase for when that comes up."Like I'm feeling "a feeling" right now that feels like I need some time out to think it over." Men have man caves etc for a reason Smiling (click to insert in post)

Books are great for boys to get information from at that age too because they come from a neutral source that they can get answers with no judgment or agenda. The library is a good resource for a 12 year old.

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Thunderstruck
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« Reply #7 on: March 03, 2014, 11:45:42 AM »

SD9 cries, screams, blames, "You don't love me", "I want to go to my mom's house". All over homework or us saying "no" to something she wants. I feel like she learned to do this because it helps her get her get her way at BPDbm's house. Or it's a   that she learned from mom.

It's an issue, because she'll have outbursts at school and aftercare. School doesn't really know how to deal with her, and has placed her in a social skills class (and has mentioned having her in a new anger management class).

We don't have a counselor for her yet, so I try to talk to her about it. It doesn't calm her down, but she has started to notice that she's doing it (versus a year ago when she would deny and blame). Usually we try to talk to her but it fuels the tantrum so the best thing is just to let her calm down in her room.

I'm looking for more skills in helping her cope with her feelings.
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