The Three Faces of Victim with co-parenting

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

               Click on diagram for more information


So I was reading this article on this site:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108384.0

And I started wondering how this plays out in co-parenting.  I mean, it is clear in our situation that the kids play the rescuing role, BPD mom plays the victim, and DH gets to be the persecutor.  But how much of this is based on BPD mom assigning roles?  I mean, BPD mom and DH have very few interactions…in the past year, 100% of their contact has been via email or text, and if you read the emails, BPD mom is persecutor, not DH.  But, in the kids' minds, it is DH persecuting because that is how BPD mom portrays him (and in the home, he is clearly a dominant personality so it would be a natural leap for them).  They don't read her attacking emails.  They don't see the vindictive and vitriolic names she calls him.  They don't see him desperately trying to work with her, only for her to send an email in all caps attacking him.  They just see sweet BPD mom who keeps getting victimized by my DH (and his lawyer).  

Then, you could also say that my DH sees himself as a victim in the triangle, but no one else in the triangle does so not sure if he gets to claim that spot…lol.

The last time in court, the judge saw through mom's BS, but I am sure it just allowed her to play the victim role even more with the kids.

So I guess I am thinking that when there is not direct contact, a party to the Karpman triangle may just get assigned a role, whether they like it or not.  Thoughts?

[sanemom]

               Click on diagram for more information


So I was reading this article on this site:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108384.0

And I started wondering how this plays out in co-parenting.  I mean, it is clear in our situation that the kids play the rescuing role, BPD mom plays the victim, and DH gets to be the persecutor.  But how much of this is based on BPD mom assigning roles?  I mean, BPD mom and DH have very few interactions…in the past year, 100% of their contact has been via email or text, and if you read the emails, BPD mom is persecutor, not DH.  But, in the kids' minds, it is DH persecuting because that is how BPD mom portrays him (and in the home, he is clearly a dominant personality so it would be a natural leap for them).  They don't read her attacking emails.  They don't see the vindictive and vitriolic names she calls him.  They don't see him desperately trying to work with her, only for her to send an email in all caps attacking him.  They just see sweet BPD mom who keeps getting victimized by my DH (and his lawyer).  

Then, you could also say that my DH sees himself as a victim in the triangle, but no one else in the triangle does so not sure if he gets to claim that spot…lol.

The last time in court, the judge saw through mom's BS, but I am sure it just allowed her to play the victim role even more with the kids.

So I guess I am thinking that when there is not direct contact, a party to the Karpman triangle may just get assigned a role, whether they like it or not.  Thoughts?

[Nope]

Well, to start, I don't think the kids not baring first hand witness to the bad behaviors changes anything. In my situation the BPD mom has no problem screaming at my SO over the phone in front of the kids. But children who aren't taught differently don't understand that a parent is required to take personal responsibility the same way they are. "I wouldn't have screamed at him except he made me do it." is as good a reason as any. For my SO's kids their mom is the victim because she is the one who is out of control and upset. The person who is calm and protects them from seeing the situation (like a good parent should) is seen as the one who is doing the persecuting because the children are used to being exposed to adult matters and raw feelings from a victim.

I've also found that the absence of engagement can still be viewed by the BPD as a type of abuse. "You are supposed to be co-parenting with me and you aren't!" is what my SO gets for not answering the phone when she feels like raging. She could leave a message or she could text, but since she knows that leaves a trail she won't do it when she just feels like blowing up. Additionally, she tells the kids things like she can afford to get them new sneakers at the beginning of next month when she gets her tax return. Although my SO sends child support on time every month according to her he never helps out. So she is also the victim who is not being communicated with and who gets no help.

[DreamGirl]

Do you see yourself on the triangle, sanemom?






Starting Gate Rescuer over here. 

[sanemom]

Do you see yourself on the triangle, sanemom?






Starting Gate Rescuer over here. 

But then wouldn't it be a quadrilateral instead of a triangle?   

Yeah... definitely on and off the SGR side, depending on the day.  But then that would be the triangle where my DH is the victim and BM is the persecutor, a triangle no one else seems to know about except for DH and me.  :-)

[DreamGirl]

Is there a drama quadrilateral?

I know you have lots of kiddos under your roof too, I bet we could figure out how to make that stick.  


I meant more the drama between the husband, the ex-wife, and myself.

(The same as Mama's boyfriend, my husband, and the ex-wife.)

They're arguing, he comes to me to help solve the problem, I rescue him and in doing so keeping him in the victim role... .

(I've even done the same with her!  

And the drama continues... .