Why do they do this?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

My dBPDex drives me nuts. We communicate SOLELY via email. Unfortunately our court order is so vague that it allows him to basically pick one day during the week where he gets our son from 10-2. I work a normal 8-5 M-F job. He works varying days, 24 hour shifts at a time. He demands that I send him which dates will work for me and when I do, he declines half of them because of "work conflicts." Then if I ask him when he is available he tells me that his schedule is none of my business and if I'm unwilling to give him dates to take his son then I'm in contempt of court.   If I tell him that he has to pick our child up from daycare to complete his 10-2 or he can pick him up in the morning before I go to work and just keep him until after I get off, he refuses and states that I'm in contempt because he wants ME to meet him somewhere (not on the court order) even though it conflicts with my work schedule.

He also goes in circles in emails. He will ask for a specific date and if we have ANYTHING planned that day that I don't want my son to miss, I will tell him to choose another date for his visit. I give him dates that my son is available. Since he tends to keep our son longer than the court order states without permission then I definitley don't want my boy going with him on days we have things to do because it's very likely I won't get him back for several days. (I've addressed this with an attorney and we're going back to court in 6 months).

So I have a 15 page email about his pick ups for the month of March and it goes in circles constantly. I suggest a date, he declines, I ask when he's available, he refuses to tell me, I tell him that if he doesn't tell me then I can't just pick dates at random, he says I'm in contempt, he then demands a day that he knows we have plans (like my daughter's bday), then throws a fit that I won't work with him.

UGH. Will it EVER end?

[Stuffie]

My dBPDex drives me nuts. We communicate SOLELY via email. Unfortunately our court order is so vague that it allows him to basically pick one day during the week where he gets our son from 10-2. I work a normal 8-5 M-F job. He works varying days, 24 hour shifts at a time. He demands that I send him which dates will work for me and when I do, he declines half of them because of "work conflicts." Then if I ask him when he is available he tells me that his schedule is none of my business and if I'm unwilling to give him dates to take his son then I'm in contempt of court.   If I tell him that he has to pick our child up from daycare to complete his 10-2 or he can pick him up in the morning before I go to work and just keep him until after I get off, he refuses and states that I'm in contempt because he wants ME to meet him somewhere (not on the court order) even though it conflicts with my work schedule.

He also goes in circles in emails. He will ask for a specific date and if we have ANYTHING planned that day that I don't want my son to miss, I will tell him to choose another date for his visit. I give him dates that my son is available. Since he tends to keep our son longer than the court order states without permission then I definitley don't want my boy going with him on days we have things to do because it's very likely I won't get him back for several days. (I've addressed this with an attorney and we're going back to court in 6 months).

So I have a 15 page email about his pick ups for the month of March and it goes in circles constantly. I suggest a date, he declines, I ask when he's available, he refuses to tell me, I tell him that if he doesn't tell me then I can't just pick dates at random, he says I'm in contempt, he then demands a day that he knows we have plans (like my daughter's bday), then throws a fit that I won't work with him.

UGH. Will it EVER end?

[Turkish]

My dBPDex drives me nuts. We communicate SOLELY via email. Unfortunately our court order is so vague that it allows him to basically pick one day during the week where he gets our son from 10-2. I work a normal 8-5 M-F job. He works varying days, 24 hour shifts at a time. He demands that I send him which dates will work for me and when I do, he declines half of them because of "work conflicts." Then if I ask him when he is available he tells me that his schedule is none of my business and if I'm unwilling to give him dates to take his son then I'm in contempt of court.   If I tell him that he has to pick our child up from daycare to complete his 10-2 or he can pick him up in the morning before I go to work and just keep him until after I get off, he refuses and states that I'm in contempt because he wants ME to meet him somewhere (not on the court order) even though it conflicts with my work schedule.

He also goes in circles in emails. He will ask for a specific date and if we have ANYTHING planned that day that I don't want my son to miss, I will tell him to choose another date for his visit. I give him dates that my son is available. Since he tends to keep our son longer than the court order states without permission then I definitley don't want my boy going with him on days we have things to do because it's very likely I won't get him back for several days. (I've addressed this with an attorney and we're going back to court in 6 months).

So I have a 15 page email about his pick ups for the month of March and it goes in circles constantly. I suggest a date, he declines, I ask when he's available, he refuses to tell me, I tell him that if he doesn't tell me then I can't just pick dates at random, he says I'm in contempt, he then demands a day that he knows we have plans (like my daughter's bday), then throws a fit that I won't work with him.

UGH. Will it EVER end?

It's probably best to have the attorney address this in court. My first reaction would be to tell him "I've already documented the times you've kept our son past the allotted time, which means it is actually YOU who is in contempt of the order."

[Nope]

It's good that you are going back to court. I assume this is for a contempt filing?

I think a modification of the order is going to be necessary for you to get any peace. The problem with vague parenting orders is that BPDs tend to change their belief about what the order says as it suits them.

The first thing I would do is find out from your lawyer if there is a meditation program through the court. In the state I am dealing with meditation is actually a free service. The point is to get him to sit down and iron out a parenting plan that actually works for both of you and has no loop holes for him to exploit (though don't tell him that).

If you are going to bring a court action for modification it is always best to walk in saying that you tried the easy way first and that didn't work.

The best part about email only communication is that when you get to court it's very easy to show who is and who is not the reasonable party.

Unfortunately, court is likely the only way things will change.

[bravhart1]

We had the same situation with husband's ex.

Trying to go to see co-parent counselor goes like this:

counselor "when can you come in?"

BPD "when can you come in DH?"

DH "any day but Wednesday"

BPD "Oh, Wednesday was the only day I could do it."

DH "ok well, guess it's got to be Wednesday then. What time are you available, morning or afternoon?"

BPD "None of your business what my schedule is!"

DH "ok, how about morning?"

BPD "no not in the morning."

DH "ok, then afternoon"

BPD "no not the afternoon"

DH "well then when are you available?"

BPD "stop bullying me into telling you my schedule! I will not tolerate this abuse. You are all against me!"

therapist "well what should we do to schedule the appt.?"

BPD "Well if DH wasn't so difficult! He's the one who ruled out Wednesdays! You are all against me!"

It would be funny of it wasn't so sad.