Total communication impasse
Hi everyone. First proper thread
hope I'm not doing anything wrong, been lurking for a little while!
Just posting for a bit of support / advice. uBPDh and I are in the process of separating. He's also seriously ill and going in to hospital soon. We have a DS21/2. We've lived apart for 6 months already; I've had our son full time as uBPDh has been in and out of hospital but I've facilitated as many visits for them as possible and even hung out together with them quite a lot in order to ameliorate DS2's separation anxiety and to support uBPDh as he was and is so ill. They've had some overnight visits when uBPDh had enough energy and support to handle it but it hasn't exactly been a regular thing.
I could ramble for hours about the drama and histrionics and everything but it'd be the same as everyone else's stories… the issue I'm dealing with right now is that I'm trying to help uBPDh and DS2 to spend quality time together before hospital and unfortunately uBPDh interprets all of my actions as punishing him / getting in the way of his seeing DS2 (like for example sometimes I have to work and can't accommodate his visits). He is also threatening to take me to court (in the week or two weeks before he goes to hospital) because he wants to put DS2 to bed at night, every night. I think it's too disruptive for our little boy, especially after 6 months of not living with his dad, who mostly didn't put him to bed when we were living together anyway (we tried last week and DS2 took over an hour longer than usual to go to sleep) but I'm nearly ready to cave because I'm so sick of the foot-long emails. I know perfectly well that him wanting to put DS2 to bed is all about him and not about DS2.
In the meantime, I tried to start an email thread where I came up with a visiting / skyping schedule, and copied in two of his friends so that we could keep to the topic at hand instead of having uBPDh use every communication/reply as an opportunity to berate me and tell me what an awful mother / human being / waste of space I am. I know perfectly well that he would never show his friends the ugly side of him and I'd hoped to just put a band aid over things until hospital when everything will change anyway. It didn't work, I got berated even more and one of the friends told me she thought it was "weird" and offered me a bunch of unasked for advice (I'm not really surprised as I'm sure he has been spinning a lot of very elaborate lies about me to his few remaining friends). I don't let the abuse get to me so much but the real problem for me is that he won't focus on the topic at hand which is him hanging out with DS2! In the meantime he accuses me of putting obstacles in their way.
I'm not really worried he will take me to court because I don't think there's enough time. I'd just love to have some sort of help / advice, I wish I could wave a magic wand and just have the situation sorted until uBPDh goes to hospital and not have to think about this crazy drama any more. I'm so tired of it and weary from having the twisted thoughts in my consciousness. I want to act with compassion toward uBPDh, just out of principle, and I'm also aware that he is suffering an absolutely colossal amount. I just feel like whatever I choose to do will be wrong in his eyes and he'll find something to complain about / threaten court over no matter what. And of course last week he was bringing over cake and playsets and charming like crazy and telling me what a great cook and great mom I am... . Anyway. Thanks for reading and I appreciate absolutely anything anyone has to offer!
