Stressed about court Week on/week off.

[Stuffie]

I am so stressed out about going back to court. My ex is a high functioning sociopath and has been diagnosed by two different psychologists with BPD. His latest certified letter states that he is moving (for the 5th time since our son was born 18 months ago) to the town where his new girlfriend and his parents live. He states that this is so he can have a support system for our son (or babysitter) and he wants our boy week on week off.

I have so much anxiety about going back to court for this. My ex knows how to play things. He's so good at manipulation that he even still gets to me sometimes before I realize it. In the past year alone he has been suspended from work for admitting to having a drug problem, gone through out patient rehab, checked himself into a mental hospital for three days and attempted to kill himself twice. He has stalked me, we do this weird run around through emails that keeps him from having to take his son. His work is chaos, he does 24 hours on, 24 off. He has called CPS on me (nothing was found, obviously), he has forged text messages and had a false affidavit written so that I was forced to spend 4 days in the psych ward at a local hospital and he has sent threatening emails to my significant other since we started dating.

I'm so scared that I won't be able to show a judge what my ex is really like and I'll end up losing my son to this monster. I know that him wanting his son so much is a direct result of his new girlfriend pushing him to be a good father. It irritates me so much.

So, a few questions, besides the documentation, what can I do to help myself in court? What examples of his behavior would help a judge understand that this man seeing my child so much is not in his best interests? He is 4 months behind on support and, frankly, if he would just do every other weekend then we would do away with the child support all together. Also, how do I go about finding an attorney? Are there any that exist that actually boast experience with this type of mental disorder?

[momtara]

Ugh.  I had these kinds of fears.  They are usually unfounded, but it is easy enough to let the What-Ifs get to us, especially with something as important as our kids.  And we all read horror stories on the web.

Your best bet is yes, to have documentaiton, and focus on the most glaring things so they make an impact.  Courts hate to give custody and visitation to someone who has tried suicide, from what I understand.  :)o you have proof of that?  What about drug thing?  

Also, little things - are you the one to take off work when your child is sick?  What has been going on for the last 12 months, who has been the primary caretaker?  The court doesn't care if he suddenly became dad of the year in the past four weeks.

I know we hear about dads getting 50/50, but not nutjobs.

Hope others here can help you too.  But also, do you have a lawyer who's confident in court?

You can also post on avvo for advice, but be discreet.

I doubt they'll let him have a full week unsupervised.  That sounds ridiculous.

[Stuffie]

Ugh.  I had these kinds of fears.  They are usually unfounded, but it is easy enough to let the What-Ifs get to us, especially with something as important as our kids.  And we all read horror stories on the web.

Your best bet is yes, to have documentaiton, and focus on the most glaring things so they make an impact.  Courts hate to give custody and visitation to someone who has tried suicide, from what I understand.  :)o you have proof of that?  What about drug thing?  

Also, little things - are you the one to take off work when your child is sick?  What has been going on for the last 12 months, who has been the primary caretaker?  The court doesn't care if he suddenly became dad of the year in the past four weeks.

I know we hear about dads getting 50/50, but not nutjobs.

Hope others here can help you too.  But also, do you have a lawyer who's confident in court?

You can also post on avvo for advice, but be discreet.

I doubt they'll let him have a full week unsupervised.  That sounds ridiculous.

Since our son was born its been all me. My ex didnt even see him until he was 6 months old. I've always been the primary caretaker. I do have a recorded conversation where he admits he tried suicide and the drug thing is public record from his work. As far as I know it shows up on his background check. I'm very worried that he will use things against me from when I had post partum depression. Having a new baby and ending a BPD relationship made me so crazy that I said some really mean things to him. Granted, he said worse, but it still scares me.

[Nope]

You actually have a whole lot of things working for you. For starters, you have a little baby. I just don't see a judge thinking it's a good idea to have such a small child away from mom for a week at a time.

You also have a history of doing the majority of the parenting. That counts for something. The thing about court is that either party can ask for everything under the sun but if it isn't reasonable they probably won't get it.

It also doesn't help his case to be behind on support.Visitation doesn't turn on if support is paid but it certainly doesn't look good when he won't meet obligations to the child but wants to make demands.

My advice is to bring as much hard evidence of the issues as you can to court. Then when you talk about the stuff you don't have evidence for it will at least make sense in the big picture that you are probably the one telling the truth.

[momtara]

I was scared of this type of thing all through the divorce.  It's ok to be scared; it may motivate you.  I highly doubt someone with his problems and condition will get a week.  very very unlikely.  People are sympathetic to PPD too.

[Forward2free]

Sorry you are going through this. I had a very volatile relationship and BPD/Nxh was super skilled at manipulating everyone who would listen. It's take me 4 years and many thousands of dollars, but he now only sees D8 and S7 for 2 overnights per month.

From May he'll have every second weekend, but only 4 overnights per month. There's an option to increase from Friday-Monday every second weekend after 2 more years, but that's it.

I think it's unlikely for a week on week off scenario to be viable, but they fight for what they think they deserve. In my case BPD/Nxh started asking for 50/50 but it never eventuated.

I also pushed for supervised visits in the beginning after a psychiatric episode where he wanted to kill me and he attempted suicide. I think acting quickly at this time to get a restraining order in place to protect me and the kids helped to keep the authorities involved in the beginning whereby he had to "earn" time with the kids instead of it being a right for 50/50 in the Australian child custody system.

If anything comes up that causes you concern, document and involve the police or other authorities if required. Keeping children safe is so important.

Engage a lawyer who is well versed in domestic violence and child custody matters. They are experts at seeing through lies and manipulation and are skilled at dealing with them in court. Unfortunately pwBPD throw so much mud that it can feel futile to respond to all of the lies. They know what is necessary and what is worth ignoring.

Furthermore, make sure you spend time thinking about your post partum depression and time in the psych ward. I was diagnosed with PTSD but I successfully demonstrated the steps I had taken to work on my own mental health. This showed that my children ended up with a parent who was quick to seek help and focus on becoming well - in contrast to BPD/Nxh who was in denial about any mental health issues and blamed me for everything. Making mistakes and learning from them can actually be a blessing.

Take care of yourself and trust your instincts. Momtara is right. Being fearful can inhibit or empower you.  

[ForeverDad]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=221042.0

First, if ex doesn't have equal time now, then it would be a matter of providing documentation and reasons why ex's time should not be increased.  Typically, judges are reluctant to "change what is currently working".  However, you're facing a changing society where judges are more likely to ponder equal time for parents.  A century ago it was fathers in change.  In recent decades it was mothers in charge.  Today it's gradually becoming more of a blend and we see all sorts of orders.

What sort of documentation?  Judges are likely to ignore non-specific he-said, she-said as hearsay.  Provide dates, locations and other details so the judge will see your information as credibly substantive and not just "he always... . " or "she always... . "  Avoid vagueness, mention specific incidents and details.  If you mention adult behaviors, then link them to how they affect his parenting behaviors since that is what concerns the judges most, how the child is affected or put at potential risk - abuse, neglect or endangerment.  But prioritize what you say, be conscious that the judge may not have enough time to hear everything.

Other considerations... .   He moves frequently, that indicates instability.  He's already behind in child support.  That won't look good to the judge, that might indicate that he's not very responsible or that his mental state affects his life more than he wants to admit.

You might also need to ask for discretion in his visitation, that you can have some flexibility to modify his visitation schedule based on his mental health status.

For example, "Your honor, at least 2 times my ex attempted suicide on or about {date} and {date}.  I recorded them in my journal/log and although HIPAA won't allow me to access his records, the court has the authority to verify all this and perhaps even more that I don't know about.  In addition he has had interventions and rehab {dates} at {hospitals or clinics}.  Based on all this information, I ask that his time be limited and that his medical records be reviewed before changing the current schedule.  I am not blocking his parenting but based on past history it needs to be limited and structured."

Second, as much as you don't want to deal with it again, you can't allow a chink in your parenting armor.  If he has substantive issues that affect his parenting, then you can't weaken the current arrangement by passive inaction.  If the court orders it despite your efforts to present your reasons, then that's another matter, you did what you could, it was a judge's decision and not your passivity, timidity or inaction.

Also, if the judge is still inclined to grant ex more time, ask the judge that it be done in stages, several months for each new level, gradually rather than jumping headfirst into a huge amount of additional time.

Lastly, don't feel bad about this.  It is what it is.  If you have concerns about your ex's ability to parent over longer periods of time, then it is right and proper to express those concerns and urge caution with gradual changes if the judge decides a change is warranted.

Concerning the idea to reduce his child support if he has less time, some states don't allow parents much leeway for deals.

How to find a good attorney?  One way is that when having some initial consultations (inexpensive or sometimes even free) ask, "If you have a high conflict parenting situation like this, what lawyer would you hire?"  Don't feel timid, the good lawyers will answer honestly, knowing they won't get every case that walks in the door.  From those responses you should be able to make a short list of capable family law attorneys.

[Matt]

I think you're right that it's important to find the right attorney.

Call as many as you can, and see as many as you can face-to-face.  Some give a free initial consultation, and even if you have to pay for 30 minutes, you can ask a lot of questions and learn about how the process works where you live, so the cost might be worth it.

Ask about their experience with "high-conflict" divorces, and ask if they have experience with BPD.  Just knowing what those letters mean will separate out the few who have dealt with someone like your husband.

Listen for "war stories" - all lawyers have them - anecdotes about what they learned dealing with specific problems.  If an attorney has experience dealing with someone like your husband, she should be able to tell you a few war stories so you will believe her.

My first attorney lied - he said he had experience with BPD but I didn't ask for war stories and later I learned he had no such experience and didn't know what he was doing - he made all the wrong moves.  My second attorney - I asked her, ":)o you have experience with BPD?" and she said, "You mean Borderline Personality Disorder?" and I knew she at least knew what it was.  She was much better - she made better judgments and gave better advice because she knew what she was dealing with.

Many lawyers lie.  :)on't believe it if someone tells you he knows how to deal with someone like your husband.  Only believe it if he shows you.

A good book about divorcing someone like your husband is "Splitting" by William A. Eddy.  Also his web site, www.HighConflictInstitute.com.