Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 09:20:20 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Survey: How do you compare?
Adult Children Sensitivity
67% are highly sensitive
Romantic Break-ups
73% have five or more recycles
Physical Hitting
66% of members were hit
Depression Test
61% of members are moderate-severe
108
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Seeing a therapist/counsellor?  (Read 636 times)
arsenal02

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Posts: 10



« on: March 05, 2014, 07:40:46 AM »

Hey

Just wondered if any of the non-BPD on this board have experience of themselves going to see a therapist or related practitioner with regards to both assisting/learning tools to help and to keep your sanity! My dBPDgf is undergoing DBT, but things have been hard recently and the abuse has been more stinging than normal. I'm wondering if the board thinks there's any benefit to this, or if the tools on the lessons here are enough? I suppose it's a case-by-case basis, but I'd be very interested to hear other peoples opinions. It's a lonely business sometimes.

Cheers
Logged
PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

gary seven
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 163



« Reply #1 on: March 05, 2014, 08:50:28 AM »

It's a lonely business sometimes.

Cheers

Arsenal02:

Yes, it is a lonely business.

I tried with my BPDw this summer for some family dbt training (the family classes were separate from the patient class).  This was after her flunking two inpatient places, and after she completed a three week intensive outpatient course.

I thought the stuff at the time to be interesting, but my BPD spouse quickly tired of them and fired them; as such my education was stopped.   I try to manage what I learned in ":)istress Tolerance."  Part of the message was to divert ones self to an active distraction to get me/the non out of the moment of heat/high anxiety, and have us focus on something pleasant.  One remnant I use is an app called 94 seconds: a game for 94 seconds to answer questions.  I play a few rounds every once in a while.

Reading the article here is a wonderful resource.  Peruse them as time permits.

Also, the NEABPD has a family connections educational seminar that may be offered in your hometown.  They also do have a tele-conference option which is what I signed up for ( guess when they get an instructor and critical mass of interest they start another group).  I signed up for that option, and hope to participate when it happens. Maybe that would work for you as well.

Regards, G7.

Logged
Cloudy Days
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 1095



« Reply #2 on: March 05, 2014, 09:50:45 AM »

I started seeing a therapist on my own while my husband was also getting therapy. I liked the therapist but I don't think she really helped me too much. It was nice to talk but she didn't give much feedback. My husband didn't like me seeing someone he didn't know. Being the Codependent person that I am I caved in and agreed to see his therapist although separately from him. I see her every other week and my husband sees her once every week. I think it has been really helpful to me. She has given me a few tools that are more for emotional healing and explained some things that really opened my eyes. I have seen her less than my last therapist and she has done more good in a shorter amount of time. So what I am saying is not every therapist is created equally. One thing I was disappointed about with my first therapist was that she didn't know a whole lot about Borderline Personality Disorder. My current therapist pretty much only treats BPD, except for a few occasions like me where a partner sees her too.
Logged

It's not the future you are afraid of, it's repeating the past that makes you anxious.
Zon
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 155



WWW
« Reply #3 on: March 05, 2014, 11:43:18 AM »

I have been secretly seeing a therapist to work out my issues (codependency and more that I may not see) which may or may not help the relationship.  It is helping myself.

We just started marriage counseling, so that is a big unknown.  The MC uses EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy).  This MC was recommended by my T as well as on a short list of people given to me by another T.

My main concern is that she will not show her full self to the counselor but basically wear a mask.  However, I am one to talk as I hide my opinions from her since I think a lot of them will set her off.   
Logged

I'm not like other people, I can't stand pain, it hurts me.  -- Daffy Duck
gary seven
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 163



« Reply #4 on: March 05, 2014, 02:44:01 PM »

I have been secretly seeing a therapist to work out my issues (codependency and more that I may not see) which may or may not help the relationship.  It is helping myself.

We just started marriage counseling, so that is a big unknown.  The MC uses EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy).  This MC was recommended by my T as well as on a short list of people given to me by another T.

My main concern is that she will not show her full self to the counselor but basically wear a mask.  However, I am one to talk as I hide my opinions from her since I think a lot of them will set her off.   

Zon:

I had the pleasure of working through several family counselors, where at first my BPDs was "normal," but eventually got agitated enough to show her real self.  She has been through multiple therapists since.

We even went to a couples' therapist who (with our permission) video taped the sessions.  At several points he stopped the tape, replayed it to show her ( when she was in full form) and asked her if she noticed anything wrong with the episode.

It centered around me setting up a bird feeder in our back yard because our daughter likes to watch the birds in winter.  Her responses for not permitting it included: the weather (it may rain), the location (kids couldn't ever see it from that window), the time involved (I have everything including food), if it rained then our daughter's feet would get wet... . etc etc.

For at least 5 minutes.  the therapist was amazed that my BPDs saw nothing wrong with her constant denial, refuting, and the like.  Several more episodes were taped and played back, and again she saw nothing wrong.

I did.  And it still hurts.

But I did sneak out to set up the feeder for my daughter anyhow the following weekend.  And she loved it!
Logged
Zon
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 155



WWW
« Reply #5 on: March 05, 2014, 08:45:30 PM »

My main concern is that she will not show her full self to the counselor but basically wear a mask.  However, I am one to talk as I hide my opinions from her since I think a lot of them will set her off.   

Zon:

I had the pleasure of working through several family counselors, where at first my BPDs was "normal," but eventually got agitated enough to show her real self.  She has been through multiple therapists since.

We even went to a couples' therapist who (with our permission) video taped the sessions.  At several points he stopped the tape, replayed it to show her ( when she was in full form) and asked her if she noticed anything wrong with the episode.

It centered around me setting up a bird feeder in our back yard because our daughter likes to watch the birds in winter.  Her responses for not permitting it included: the weather (it may rain), the location (kids couldn't ever see it from that window), the time involved (I have everything including food), if it rained then our daughter's feet would get wet... . etc etc.

For at least 5 minutes.  the therapist was amazed that my BPDs saw nothing wrong with her constant denial, refuting, and the like.  Several more episodes were taped and played back, and again she saw nothing wrong.

I did.  And it still hurts.

But I did sneak out to set up the feeder for my daughter anyhow the following weekend.  And she loved it!

Thank you.  I have wondering if she would present herself or not.  I really hope she does.  Partly, to have it seen by someone external as my own validation that I am not creating my own stress.  Another part is that I want to see the real person if at all possible.  Maybe, the MC can get the real one out if at least temporarily.  That is one reason for me dragging my feet to decide; I want to know if her grudges against me are too much for either of us to handle as I suspect.  However, I will not know until it comes out in the open.

I have done sneaky stuff too for my children.  Good for you to install the squirrel... . er... . I mean bird feeder for your daughter.   Smiling (click to insert in post)

P.S.  Sorry for hijacking your thread, arsenal02.
Logged

I'm not like other people, I can't stand pain, it hurts me.  -- Daffy Duck
arsenal02

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Posts: 10



« Reply #6 on: March 12, 2014, 08:03:02 AM »

All great insights guys - thanks. I'm going to start going hopefully in the next week or so in order to keep me sane and learn more about what I can do to not trigger and support my other half. I've done a fair bit of reading now and feel I'm getting loads better at dealing with it all, but no one is perfect. I guess I see going to speak to a professional about it as another angle. If they say just one thing slightly differently that gives me a new angle or tool, then it'll be worth it!

I'll see how it goes!
Logged
zeromoogle

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 15


« Reply #7 on: March 12, 2014, 09:23:34 AM »

One thing I have found is that me seeing a therapist makes my uBPD partner more willing to continue seeing his therapist.  I also find it relieving to get some validation that my partner is unable to give.
Logged
Zon
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 155



WWW
« Reply #8 on: March 12, 2014, 11:32:11 AM »

The therapist may help you communicate with your other half but will probably focus on fixing you which in turn can help you communicate.  It can hurt to bring pains up in a session, but it is nice to have someone help you get better.
Logged

I'm not like other people, I can't stand pain, it hurts me.  -- Daffy Duck
Reforming
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 767



« Reply #9 on: March 12, 2014, 12:22:10 PM »

went to a couples' therapist who (with our permission) video taped the sessions.  At several points he stopped the tape, replayed it to show her ( when she was in full form) and asked her if she noticed anything wrong with the episode.

It centered around me setting up a bird feeder in our back yard because our daughter likes to watch the birds in winter.  Her responses for not permitting it included: the weather (it may rain), the location (kids couldn't ever see it from that window), the time involved (I have everything including food), if it rained then our daughter's feet would get wet... . etc etc.

For at least 5 minutes.  the therapist was amazed that my BPDs saw nothing wrong with her constant denial, refuting, and the like.  Several more episodes were taped and played back, and again she saw nothing wrong.

I did.  And it still hurts.

That is such a compelling example of one of the things that I found incredibly difficult to accept.

Even with video evidence and a neutral, professionally trained third party BPD distorts their perspective, their sense of reality so profoundly that they are incapable of really hearing what's being said.

For years I believed that if I could get my exbpfgf to hear me - to understand what was really happening we could find a way forward.

I still struggle to accept that her sense of reality - our shared reality - was so utterly disconnected and that nothing that I could do or say would change that
Logged

Reforming
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 767



« Reply #10 on: March 12, 2014, 12:39:51 PM »

After spending a lot of time over the last 18 months reading posts on this site and doing a lot of research I decided that I would try Schema Therapy.

I had some CBT at various points in my relationship but after it finally ended I felt I needed therapy that understood PDs and the damage they do to partners.

I researched therapists in the City where I live and bought Jeffrey Young's book.

Schema is geared towards deeply ingrained negative behaviour and after having spent 16 years with BPD I was struggling to understand why I had stayed in such a destructive relationship.

I've had about 10 sessions last year and along with the site which has pulled me back from the edge of despair on countless occasions I felt I made some progress.

I was working abroad for the last two months but I'm going to start again in the next few weeks.

I think most therapy is better than none but I also think it takes effort and time to find the right therapist for you.

Don't be afraid of meeting a selection before you commit and don't be afraid of changing if you feel that you haven't found the right person.

I think the right therapy and therapy can transform you but you still need to put in the work and be tenacious.

Lots of people say that we deserve to be happy. I don't believe we deserve to be happy anymore than we deserved to be rich or beautiful

To me that suggests a kind of entitlement that isn't real.

I do believe that we have the power and the opportunity to be happy if open our eyes and we reach out and take it.

Good luck
Logged

Reforming
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 767



« Reply #11 on: March 12, 2014, 12:44:23 PM »

Zon your story about the counselling session which was videotaped is so telling

That is such a compelling example of one of the things that I found incredibly difficult to accept.

Even with video evidence and a neutral, professionally trained third party BPD distorts their perspective, their sense of reality so profoundly that they are incapable of really hearing what's being said.

For years I believed that if I could get my exbpfgf to hear me - to understand what was really happening we could find a way forward.

I still struggle to accept that her sense of reality - our shared reality - was so utterly disconnected and that nothing that I could do or say would change that
Logged

Zon
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 155



WWW
« Reply #12 on: March 12, 2014, 12:56:09 PM »

Zon your story about the counselling session which was videotaped is so telling

That is such a compelling example of one of the things that I found incredibly difficult to accept.

Even with video evidence and a neutral, professionally trained third party BPD distorts their perspective, their sense of reality so profoundly that they are incapable of really hearing what's being said.

For years I believed that if I could get my exbpfgf to hear me - to understand what was really happening we could find a way forward.

I still struggle to accept that her sense of reality - our shared reality - was so utterly disconnected and that nothing that I could do or say would change that

It is very telling, but it was from gary seven.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
Logged

I'm not like other people, I can't stand pain, it hurts me.  -- Daffy Duck
Reforming
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 767



« Reply #13 on: March 12, 2014, 01:29:37 PM »

Oops sorry Zon and Gary
Logged

Olinda
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: Engaged - 3 years, living together
Posts: 101



« Reply #14 on: March 12, 2014, 03:09:01 PM »

Going to a therapist tomorrow for the first time.  I am hopeful that I can get some tips for staying out of codpendency, for setting boundaries and limits and a bit of validation would be nice.  I am not getting any validation for my perspective from my uBPD fiancee. 

We had a joint therapist for 3 years but that did not work out. It felt like the therapist got tired of my fiancee (but did not diagnose her with BPD) and was taking my side too much. 

Now my fiancee is seeing her own therapist next week at the same practice, we are hoping that if need be we can have a couples session or two as well as individual for each of us. 

Wish us luck!

Logged

arsenal02

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Posts: 10



« Reply #15 on: March 26, 2014, 04:56:50 PM »

Hey olinda

How did it go?

Logged
Olinda
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: Engaged - 3 years, living together
Posts: 101



« Reply #16 on: March 27, 2014, 06:42:02 AM »

Had my second session yesterday. The validation and support are really nice. He called me out whenever i would say anything self deprecating and had some great notions that helped me understand boundaries better.

One idea about boundaries that might help others:

If i were on my yard with my daughter's and two vicious dogs came snarling toward us,i would hustle my girls into the house to protect them. I would not try to reason with the dogs or all their permission or approval for protecting my girls. He asked me to be that momma bear for my own self when my partner is attacking.

And that makes sense to me. It does not mean that i was able to do it. My fiancee seems really reasonable at times even when she is triggered and i fall for it, engaging, like i did last night.

Argh. I'm working on it though. All i can do is Change me, right?
Logged

Reforming
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 767



« Reply #17 on: March 27, 2014, 07:23:24 AM »

Hi Olinda

Well done…

My therapy definitely helped and even though in the early stages I didn't feel like I was making huge progress it has really made a difference.

You can change…

There's some inspirational post from people here who have worked at it and come out stronger, healthier and happier.

The best of luck

Logged

Olinda
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: Engaged - 3 years, living together
Posts: 101



« Reply #18 on: April 22, 2014, 01:53:55 PM »

Just thought I'd check in a month later.  I am still seeing my therapist, still feel a lot of support and am getting better at boundaries and self-care and time for me.

But my partner (uBPDf) has decided (after only two sessions) that therapy is too expensive for her to engage in (she has high deductible and has to pay out of pocket $110 per session until deductible is met). (She does not believe she has BPD, refuses to discuss it).

And she told me last night that the therapist doesn't get into any issues and that it is all about mindfulness and DBT but there is not any explanation of why she feels the way she does.  Mind you, she has done therapy for over 9 years, individually, and has worked really hard on herself, but still struggles with feelings of worthlessness, shame, despair, & utter self-hatred sometimes.

So she feels she can do it on her own - while off all but one mood stabilizer (she has been on anti-depressants for over 10 years but just went off due to side effects).  She feels she can literally do it on her own, I am her SOLE support, she has no friends or family to turn to. 

She wants us to get into couples therapy and I am willing to try it, but after reading on here what happens and how it becomes a tool for further dysregulation, I don't know what to do. 

Self-care, it's all about self-care, right? I am trying to stay on my game and get time for self and time with the kids and time for friends/family.  Work is a blessing for me because I am extremely fulfilled and competent in that space.

Any tips or words of support?



Logged

MissyM
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 702


« Reply #19 on: April 22, 2014, 02:37:10 PM »

We are going to try couples counseling based upon The High Conflict Couple.  I am not sure how it will go but it seems to be an effective form of couples counseling with a BPD.  I just interviewed the therapist that we are going to use today.  So I can't tell you how it will go but will post updates.
Logged
Olinda
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: Engaged - 3 years, living together
Posts: 101



« Reply #20 on: April 22, 2014, 03:05:22 PM »

Thanks. How did you find that therapist? We have the book.
Logged

MissyM
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 702


« Reply #21 on: April 22, 2014, 03:09:24 PM »

I emailed several BPD therapists and then interviewed 2.  This therapist was prepared when I came in with the documents they use and was very knowledgeable.  She said the approach with couples is new and having good results.  The other BPD specialists had no idea what I was talking about.
Logged
ziniztar
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: I chose to end the r/s end of October 2014. He cheated and pushed every button he could to push me away until I had to leave.
Posts: 599



WWW
« Reply #22 on: April 22, 2014, 03:34:25 PM »

I've discussed stuff with my T, we're working on what triggers me. She says my emotional balance is negative now (putting more energy in it than getting from it) and she forced me to set a date. In six months from now it has to be neutral again (and I'm hoping it's positive).

We discovered I get (unrealistixally) anxious when he doesn't respond to me / doesn't make a real effort to see me, because I feel alone again. She advised me to mention it to him (without insulting him in any way), so he knows what's happening. Sometimes I get really angry or anxious, that doesn't help him at all of course. The honesty will be difficult to handel as well, but it is more effective to deal with that than with an angry/anxious girlfriend.

Hope it works! O and I have to tell myself everyday that I don't have to do this alone. I tend to take a lot of responsibility - for the both of us - which is not helping him nor me.

Good luck everyone on your own journey. I agree that it is important to have some sort of connection with your T. If you don't, you won't respect his/her advice and won't change anything despite all the talking.
Logged
bpbreakout
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: married
Posts: 155


« Reply #23 on: April 22, 2014, 05:59:17 PM »

I am seeing a therapist alone at the moment as maintaining some sanity and perspective is a priority. We have seen 5 therapists over the past 15 years. Although largely a one way street, personally I believe with the right expectations it can be quite helpful & there is definately a place for it if you are trying to maintain a relationship with pwBPD. Some of the better periods in our marriage have been when attending regular counselling sessions (say every 2-4 weeks) and going out for a meal afterwards. Having said that, I have found that 80% of the discussion has been about BPDw's issues and any feelings I have wanted to share have been secondary. Most frustrating for me in the past (however now "radically" accepted on my part) was that any discussion on mental illness and how it might affect me has always been totally off limits (I had always been desperate for some kind of ackowledgement from BDw). Similarly any discussion on BPDw's unreasonable behaviour in general on how it might affect me has left BPDw "emotionally drained" at best and storming out of the therapy sessions at worst. My feeling is that for us it has been largely therapy for BPDw but dressed up as marital therapy which has made it more acceptable for BPDw. Also I think it can be frustrating for the therapist who really wants to see both parties making an effort and prgress so if there is pwBPD involved that's going to be difficult. Also personal experience is that it won't replace all the individual work you need to do if you have BPD partner. Before I was aware of BPD & we though BPDw was bipolar, we had one therapist who was excellent at helping with DEARMAN & SET, trouble was that only one off us ever made an effort at doing it even in the sessions. I found that totally frustrating at the time but with the knowledge of BPD I have now & much more realistic expectations I would have found that much easier. In short marital therapy with BPDw is the about the same as day to day life with BPDw & worth doing as long as you don't expect miracles.
Logged
Olinda
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: Engaged - 3 years, living together
Posts: 101



« Reply #24 on: April 22, 2014, 09:05:32 PM »

Thanks for all the replies. That is very helpful, bpbreakout.  I am hoping not to expect too much. Although I really am hoping for a miracle.

We just had an hour and half discussion of our weekend schedule and how to navigate it and I am exhausted. I can't handle the ups and downs and back and forth. 

We had a long discussion (pretty peaceful but heated) this afternoon and then she wanted to be playful and tease me while I was in the shower. I was confused and said so but now she wants to be playful and sexy again after 1.5 hours of hard discussion.  I'm toast.

Thanks for being a safe venting place. 

As far as mentioning BPD to a couples therapist, no can do. 

Logged

Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!