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Author Topic: Child transfer - venting  (Read 401 times)
electrichummingbird

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Posts: 9


« on: March 05, 2014, 09:26:38 AM »

uBPDh said he would arrive early afternoon to pick up DS2. DS2 naps in the afternoon at the moment, from roughly 3 or 4 until 5 or 6. We talked about this and the nap and agreed it would be best for the boy to be picked up before his nap. He naturally gets very cranky around nap time and is always upset when he has to leave me.

So this morning uBPDh woke up around 12pm and said he would be there around 2.

Then he said it would be before 2:30.

Then at 2:15 he texted to say he was about to leave.

Then at 2:40 he said he was on his way.

He arrived at 3.

DS2 was in bits having to deal with his tiredness and leaving me all at the same time. I said in a very gentle and friendly way that it was his nap time and it was making him extra cranky. uBPDh immediately got extremely defensive and by the end of his tirade was blaming me for DS2 being in tears.

Then he wanted to bring him back at 3pm on Friday. I said it was too early. He wanted to know why, and I said I had things to do (absolutely none of his business). He said he did, too. Then he made a V sign at me and shouted "see you in court". Then he texted that he would be dropping DS2 off at 2. I texted to say I would not be available until 5:30 and that he would have to bring DS2 with him like other parents. He told me he would be dropping DS2 off at 2:30 and if I wasn't there it would look bad in court. I softened and said that I seriously couldn't make it before 5:30 and was he planning on leaving DS2 in front of an empty house, and was that supposed to look good in court?

Tears of frustration and fury and rage and impotence at protecting my kid and rage at this person and rage for feeling in anyway affected by his b********t. I need a punchbag! I really wasn't expecting even more nonsense from him. I hate that he is looking after DS2 now.

I told him this time, at least, that I wouldn't be available on the phone except in an emergency. Perhaps that will stop him texting me for the ENTIRE TIME HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE ENJOYING THE COMPANY OF OUR SON.

Is there a smiley which bangs its head against the wall?

I hope this was not inappropriate to post here. Thanks for the venting opportunity!
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momtara
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2636


« Reply #1 on: March 05, 2014, 12:47:10 PM »

My exH used to do similar things.  Of course, all his texts and emails would have made him look bad in court, not me, but he still threatened court all the time anyway.  It calmed down toward the end of the divorce.  It's frustrating, but it's the nature of the illness.  As everyone here says, document, document, document.  When you do an agreement, you can specify times and what happens if someone is late (maybe he has to pay for a sitter) etc. 
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bravhart1
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 653


« Reply #2 on: March 05, 2014, 06:17:10 PM »

Some days it seems everything they do is so un-flippin-reasonable!

I feel for you. Our BPD mom waits till SD5 is with us and then spends the entire week texting, calling, emailing about "imaginary" dragons in her head. It's overwhelming and ruins our time with her.

We finally got the co-parent counselor to agree that we could go no contact outside of counseling for some relief. counselor must have been relieved too as she was always copied on all that garbage.

It has to be hard though with such a little guy to have your ex be so irrational. Could you get him a sitter he could call and you could share costs? I'd be pretty worried if he doesn't have a "go-to" when he gets overwhelmed or needs a break.

Is he good with him at least?
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Nope
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Relationship status: married
Posts: 951



« Reply #3 on: March 06, 2014, 05:30:44 AM »

I just sat down this morning and wrote three pages for the GAL about child transfer issues. Almost every single time DF has had time with his kids BPD mom has created drama. Either it is about when he can have them, where he can get them, when and where he can get their overnight bag, what time they will meet for exchange, or how long he can have them for. It's almost always something and she won't ever be reasonable. Added to that, when he pushes back at all she accuses him of being unreasonable and selfish and not thinking about the children's best interests.

It's all par for the course. All you can do is document, hold on to texts and other evidence and wait for your day in court. If he habitually doesn't take his full parenting time and you keep having your schedule screwed up because of it maybe you can ask the court to reduce his time so that you can plan better.
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david
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 4365


« Reply #4 on: March 06, 2014, 10:02:13 AM »

The exchanges are the only time my ex can physically engage with me. The passive/aggressive behavior, showing up late (once over three hours without letting me know anything), trying to change things last minute, me picking kids up with ill fitting, worn out clothes, etc., summer pickups at 9 am and niether boy had anything to eat, used to frustrate me. I now accept it since it will not change. As he boys got older she continued but they noticed it. All it did was push them further away from her. Thisstarted when they were 4.5 and 8.5. They are now 10 and 15.

I try to pick them up and drop them off since this minimizes delays. I stick to our custody agreement and don't even address last minute changes unless it is an emergency. The clothes do not happen with S15 since he takes care of that himself. If I pick S10 up at her place with illfitting clothes, etc he is returned in the same.

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bravhart1
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 653


« Reply #5 on: March 07, 2014, 12:08:23 AM »

ugh... . I hate the returning the child in the same thing they wore  so much, but alas it is the only way we have been able to keep a full set at our home without having to go out and buy new underwear, undershirts, jeans and shoes every week.

Our exchanges are in a public place. And the waiting game turns into a nightmare.

If she is late we are stuck.

Anyone else?

We are in process of asking court for "supervised exchanges". Our county offers for a nominal fee a supervisor that will document who's late (always her) and who make it into a drama. (she always accuses DH of being drunk) and won't stick around long enough to have a cop show up to test.

These exchanges are like other posters have said, the only time they get face to face. So she uses it to it's max potential for drama. Sometimes it takes as long as twenty or thirty minutes to get her to stop hugging, crying and stressing to SD5 how much she will miss her and how it's unfair she "has to go with daddy" because she needs her more than daddy. (daddy has me right?)

So tired of having it cost more money and effort that could be spent on Sd5. Not her.
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Nope
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Relationship status: married
Posts: 951



« Reply #6 on: March 07, 2014, 04:02:28 AM »

Wow. So the clothes thing is that common? Just for fun one of these days we should do a thread about nonclinical signs an ex might have BPD. I think the clothes thing should be top of that list.

Last time we had an exchange she insisted on forcing us into a position where we had to see her even though we brought our own bag for the kids saying they would need things from home. We were having them for two days! Then rather than letting us get the kids from school she made us wait until that night at almost 7pm to get them. (She works in the medical field so she wears scrubs and no makeup all day.) She shows up looking ready for a date (she didn't know I was going to be there with him and she'd sent him a weird text earlier saying her youngest was getting dropped off with their father which had nothing to do with DF except to I guess let him know she was free for the evening. *wink wink*). The kids tell us that they packed their own bag which has zero toiletries and only short sleeve shirts and no sweatshirts or anything in February.
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bravhart1
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 653


« Reply #7 on: March 08, 2014, 06:45:56 PM »

My special BPD friend (yes that's sarcasm) gets "fancied up" for exchanges too, and pitches a royal fit when I'm there. What do you suppose they think is gonna happen?

She clearly likes to pretend I don't exist.

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momtara
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Posts: 2636


« Reply #8 on: March 11, 2014, 03:14:58 PM »

changing pickups/drop-offs all the time shouldn't be allowed.  seems like no one can do much about it except for that state that has such a thing as a supervisor for it.  more states should have means in place to make that consistent.
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