Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 10:40:13 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
and Setting Limits
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: March 2013 all over again  (Read 443 times)
coworkerfriend
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 383



« on: March 05, 2014, 12:24:27 PM »

I work with my pw BPD and we have a personal relationship.  Last March, he dysregulated for the most severe and longest period of our relationship.  It was a truly horrible time but I did create some boundaries and looking back, I felt we made progress. 

Our relationships - both work and personal - I thought had deepened and developed over this past year.  I felt I understood his disorder better and I have been working on myself.  Being stronger through it and not spinning out of control.  It hasn't been easy but I truly felt we made some progress. 

At the end of February, I could feel his anxiety rise - we talked - I gave him spaced - I listened and supported him.  Something triggered him on March 1st and now he has completely dysregulated and is repeating the exact same issues.  We wants me to "fix" the clients/staff and all his issues.  I have not engaged him and i won't discuss it.  I can't fix the world for him.  I know this.  I have been calm and quiet.  He has called me names - told me I am emotionless - he has been trying to fight with me.  I simply walk away.   

He wants us to end the business.  I told him that something like that takes time and we would work through it. 

I read my old posts from last year.  It was quite sobering how identical this dysregulation is to last year.  I can see the deep pain in his eyes.  He has painted me completely black. 

I need support from people who understand.  Just when I think I am strong and working on myself, I also wonder how much more I can truly take.  His therapist is out of town until the end of the month. I know he needs to talk to someone but I don't know what to do. 
Logged
RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

schwing
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: married to a non
Posts: 3614


WWW
« Reply #1 on: March 05, 2014, 12:55:35 PM »

I work with my pw BPD and we have a personal relationship.  Last March, he dysregulated for the most severe and longest period of our relationship.  It was a truly horrible time but I did create some boundaries and looking back, I felt we made progress. 

In my experience, if you want a stable, working relationship with someone with BPD, you might be better served by limiting the nature of the personal interaction.  People with BPD (pwBPD), as I understand it, experience their most dysfunctional behaviors in the context of intimate and/or familial interactions.  Emotional distance, boundaries and formality are your best allies in maintaining the peace.

Our relationships - both work and personal - I thought had deepened and developed over this past year.  I felt I understood his disorder better and I have been working on myself.  Being stronger through it and not spinning out of control.  It hasn't been easy but I truly felt we made some progress. 

You see, from your perspective, if the relationship "deepens", then you might expect the relationship to be more stable and predictable.  I would argue that this is the opposite of what you should expect in a BPD relationship.  The more a BPD relationship deepens and develops, the more likely you are to trigger feelings and thoughts in the pwBPD that are intimate and familial like, which triggers their dysfunctional behaviors.

At the end of February, I could feel his anxiety rise - we talked - I gave him spaced - I listened and supported him.  Something triggered him on March 1st and now he has completely dysregulated and is repeating the exact same issues.  We wants me to "fix" the clients/staff and all his issues.  I have not engaged him and i won't discuss it.  I can't fix the world for him.  I know this.  I have been calm and quiet.  He has called me names - told me I am emotionless - he has been trying to fight with me.  I simply walk away. 

Whatever triggered him March 1 may have had something to do with you, or it had nothing to do with you.  But he chose to use his relationship with you as the scapegoat for whatever that trigger was.  This is one of the downsides in a relationship with someone with BPD, at any point in time you might become an unwitting target.

He wants us to end the business.  I told him that something like that takes time and we would work through it. 

In a sense, he might be working through some feelings of abandonment through you.  The way I see it is this: he has a disordered fear of abandonment.  He *imagines* that you are going to abandon him and leaving him to deal with the business alone.  So he *pre-emptively* chooses to abandon you and the business before you can do it to him.  This is why he wants to end the business.  Maybe this will pass.  Maybe it will not.

Your communication to him may or may not do anything to assuage his *disordered* fear.

Best wishes, Schwing
Logged

123Phoebe
Staying and Undecided
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 2070



« Reply #2 on: March 05, 2014, 02:44:32 PM »

Hi coworkerfriend,

Ugh, another round of the same old thing?  Can you draw on your own strength, knowing that you survived the last storm?  Anything you'd do any differently?

Not sure if this has already been discussed, but what would happen if he did decide to end the business?  Worst case scenario?  Is the business something you could run on your own?  Could you buy him out of it?  I guess in other words, do you need him to be involved?  What does not having him involved look like?

I'm not suggesting going this route.  I just like to know where I stand when I stand alone.  It lets me know that I am okay solo and that a lot of the stuff that others are huffing is a bunch of smoke and mirrors.

You're strong, don't forget it!  Plus you have a posse (us! Smiling (click to insert in post)) standing behind you
Logged
waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #3 on: March 05, 2014, 04:11:32 PM »

Sorry to hear this I remember this the first time around.

Do you think it is time to maybe give some more thought to separating out the business, as this is obviously a vulnerable point, both to you and your employees, as you mentioned last time.

As long as that vulnerability is still there it is likely always to keep cropping up and a dramatic blow up could be devastating to everyone.

These behaviors are cyclical, even if they are long cycles. It is a sickening feeling to have them repeat after a long time
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
Grey Kitty
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #4 on: March 06, 2014, 03:22:58 PM »

  Sorry to hear it going back 'round again.

You say he is pretty much in the exact place he was last March. I take that to mean that he will make the same choices, and take the same options as last time... .

Looking back at what you did last March, what did you do right? What would you like to do differently? And are you personally feeling differently about it than last year?

I'm with Phoebe--Not trying to suggest ending the business r/s with him... . but wondering what your options besides sticking to the status quo are.
Logged
coworkerfriend
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 383



« Reply #5 on: March 07, 2014, 10:26:43 AM »

Thanks for the support.  I need that more than anything right now.

I am working on myself and trying to focus on what I can do. 48 weeks a year - the business is growing and a good place to work.  A few scattered weeks, it is hell for me.

I do feel sick with them repeating.  I wish that we could work on the core issues and move forward.

I am desperately trying to hold tight to my strength.  I need it and he needs it and the business needs it.

I know he does not want to end things.  I know how deep his disorder is. 

I have created boundaries for myself and for the most part, I have made some positive changes.

What I need to do differently is not let my empathetic/emotional/codependency side bring me down.

This passed last March.  I assume it will pass again. 

Logged
coworkerfriend
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 383



« Reply #6 on: March 07, 2014, 10:30:59 AM »

I sent the last message before I finished it.

He keeps giving me "chances to fix things" and  "not to continue to let him suffer". 

The "things" that need to be fixed are constantly changing.  I said to him that I will help him and support him.  That things take time to be fixed.  I don't like to see him suffer and to let me know how I can help him.  He begs me to fix it and then I say I will and he demands me to not do anything.

I can see how ridiculous this is.  Any thoughts on how to handle it or is it a matter of just waiting for it to pass?
Logged
Grey Kitty
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #7 on: March 07, 2014, 01:09:24 PM »

He begs me to fix it and then I say I will and he demands me to not do anything.

Seems like there is room to change something here... . but this isn't quite enough for me to figure out. Can you give us a single interaction like this with him in more detail?

Meanwhile... .    Stay strong. We're here for you!
Logged
waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #8 on: March 07, 2014, 03:54:58 PM »

Can you help him with some tools and ideas so that he can fix it himself, so that you doing it doesn't undermine his sense of control and competency?
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
coworkerfriend
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 383



« Reply #9 on: March 08, 2014, 12:28:20 PM »

An example of an exchange that we have is this - he meets with a client.  The client says something to trigger him.  I hear the trigger.  I know i have 2 choices - to confront the client with whatever upset him or say nothing.  I say nothing.  The client leaves. He spirals into me having a chance to help him and i let him down.  I know if i was confrontational - the conversation would spiral into me "controlling" him and not letting him handle his own life. 

I know there is nothing i could have done different.  I know i was in an absolute no win situation.

Yesterday, i pointed that out.  I was calm and said that i have to focus on me and he has to focus on him.  He called me heartless and selfish.  I told him i need time to work the problems we face out.  I can not respond on the spot.  He told me that he has given me enough time.


Another really bad day.  I need strength.

He walked in and wasn't here 5 minutes before he started raging about the "issues" that I haven't fixed.  He yelled and screamed and I walked away.  He said he is leaving - he is done.  I said nothing. 

The "issues" he has change every time he talks.   He says all he needs is for me to support him and take care of things and I never do.

I know there is nothing i can do but wait until the storm passes.  When it is over and i am not being held hostage, i will make a plan.  I have no other choice.

If there are any lessons or tools that might help me, please share.  I don't know what to do.

Logged
Grey Kitty
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #10 on: March 08, 2014, 06:08:39 PM »

He walked in and wasn't here 5 minutes before he started raging about the "issues" that I haven't fixed.  He yelled and screamed and I walked away.  He said he is leaving - he is done.  I said nothing.

Good move here. Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) I think asserting a boundary about verbal/emotional abuse is your best bet here.

This workshop may help you with additional ideas/techniques.

How to take a time out

One other approach I have sometimes used is leaving a fight/argument/etc. by saying "I'm not calm enough to be in this discussion." or something similar... . Notice the absolute absence of any mention of *his* state (being abusive, out of control, etc.). While that may also be true, it is very easy for him to sound rational when he argues with that. It is harder for him to say to you something like "You are not that upset, you can stay here while I shout at you"

When it is over and i am not being held hostage, i will make a plan.  I have no other choice.

What do you mean by that? How are you held hostage?
Logged
waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #11 on: March 08, 2014, 07:40:23 PM »

Being in business with a pwBPD has much in common in being in a car ride with them. It creates the same feeling of being trapped
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
123Phoebe
Staying and Undecided
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 2070



« Reply #12 on: March 09, 2014, 08:33:21 AM »

He wants us to end the business.  I told him that something like that takes time and we would work through it. 


Being in business with a pwBPD has much in common in being in a car ride with them. It creates the same feeling of being trapped


Hey coworkerfriend,

Hmm... .   Have you validated his feelings of wanting to end the business?  Do you think he might be feeling trapped?

I know it's scary to confront these things head on, but have found when given the opportunity of really feeling heard, the pwBPD in my life have softened. 

I don't know, just something rolling around in my brain.  I hope you're having a better day today
Logged
coworkerfriend
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 383



« Reply #13 on: March 09, 2014, 09:16:41 AM »

Thanks again for reaching out and giving my situation some thought - I appreciate the insight.

I have  validated his feelings of being trapped. We have talked through many scenarios even the one where he leaves.  He went so far as to say the intense fear he has of me leaving makes him push me away. 

When we are having conversations, I have to fight my instinct to fix the situation.  It is something that used to really trigger him.  I also have to step back and not let him twist and manipulate the issues.  I tend to take all his words seriously which I know now that I obviously can't do.

When I wrote I am held hostage, it is due to a project deadline that we have to meet.  I have to stay focused on meeting the business demands.  The stress of projects can throw him off course - I can't let it throw me off too. 

Today is another day.  I honestly don't have any hope of it being better than yesterday. I want the storm to pass.  I am tired of waiting it out.
Logged
coworkerfriend
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 383



« Reply #14 on: March 12, 2014, 11:55:32 AM »

Still waiting for the storm to pass.  Trying to stay focused on my path.

Trying to stay strong.

Logged
waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #15 on: March 15, 2014, 07:50:36 PM »

Things getting any better yet?
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
coworkerfriend
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 383



« Reply #16 on: March 16, 2014, 08:33:24 AM »

Thanks for checking in.  No, things are not better.  He is deep into a black period. 

I am trying to remember the lessons - not make things worse and enforcing some boundaries that I need to be able to live with this.  The past 2 weeks have been horrible and I can't wrap my head around the timing and the exact same "issue" being brought up over and over.  At times, I feel strong and detached and others, I feel as deeply stuck as I was a year ago.  I do lose perspective and get lost in the confusion.  I am getting clearer that I can not fix or control the world for him.  As ridiculous as that sounds, I spent too much time in the past thinking I could do that. 

I don't know where to go from here.  I know I need to take one day at a time.  I just feel like I have lost my hope. 
Logged
patientandclear
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: single
Posts: 2785



« Reply #17 on: March 16, 2014, 09:14:39 AM »

CWF -- does knowing that this has happened before, lots of times, and has resolved, and your tools and approach "worked" in the sense of not making things worse ... . does that help?  Meaning, you can't make the storm pass, it will pass in its own time, but it WILL almost surely pass?  Can you find reassurance there?

Or are you at a point where the endless repetition of this pattern is unbearable?

Are you at a point where knowing that the good periods aren't going to last indefinitely & are going to be capsized like this is just too hard?

Logged
Grey Kitty
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #18 on: March 16, 2014, 12:43:08 PM »

  I know you are having a tough time here... . and I wish I could make things better.

I also want to point out the good side of what you just said. Knowing that you cannot fix or control his world is a huge step! When you believe something like that, you waste all sorts of energy trying to do it... . to no good results.

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) Even if everything blows up just the same as before, not wasting your energy on things that don't work is a huge step, and might leave you a little more energy for taking care of yourself instead.
Logged
waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #19 on: March 16, 2014, 07:23:25 PM »

CWF -- does knowing that this has happened before, lots of times, and has resolved, and your tools and approach "worked" in the sense of not making things worse ... . does that help?  Meaning, you can't make the storm pass, it will pass in its own time, but it WILL almost surely pass?  Can you find reassurance there?

Or are you at a point where the endless repetition of this pattern is unbearable?

Are you at a point where knowing that the good periods aren't going to last indefinitely & are going to be capsized like this is just too hard?

These are good points and identifying which is the case helps towards moving forward.

You know what the issue is, now it is a matter of identifying just how it is affecting you, and why, so feeling less at a loss can be addressed.

Knowing what the devil is, comes with a price of destroying protective delusions.
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
coworkerfriend
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 383



« Reply #20 on: March 19, 2014, 09:24:30 AM »

Thanks again for the support and insight.

Things are improving - work is getting done and we are focusing on that at the moment.  I know the "issue" will arise again -it will never go away.  I need to work on it not making me feel powerless.

I am really trying to evaluate how I feel through all this - knowing it will happened again and it will take time to pass.  Through my life, my personality is take charge and get things done.   This disorder is forcing me to accept what I can't control and learn more about myself.

P&C - you questions are spot on.  Exactly what I am trying to figure out.

GK - I am working very hard at not wasting my energy on things that will not make a bit a difference.  I am going to continue to focus on me which I have not done much of these past few years.

Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!