Terminally ill husband with BPD

[terminallyconfused]

Hey guys

I'm reposting my story here, cuz this forum seems more appropriate.  I've spent the morning reading your stories and its been really helpful for me.

Sorry for the word-for-word repost.  Hope its ok.

Hey there

My situation is about as complicated as it gets.

My husband and I had a (as far as I know) a brilliant, loving relationship until just over a year ago when he was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer.

Since this time I have discovered that he has been cheating on me with lots of people.  Sometimes my close friends.  He's dying, and getting real help for his BPD in couples counselling, but I am so utterly traumatised. 

To say "utterly" traumatised is an understatement.  I never know how *IM* going to survive all of this.  He's dying and I want to be able to forgive him and believe in him, but whats he's done is so utterly revolting and traumatic that I just don't know what to do.

I don't know where to start with my long, confusing story.  So maybe if anyone has some questions?

There are WAY too many issues I have to consider in amongst this.

I met him because he cheated on his previous girlfriend.  He had been with her for 8 years and when we got together, one day I was reading his inbox and realised he'd been cheating on her for years with countless people.  He swore it was all because of how awful she was (he has a long list of self-justifying reasons for his behaviour), but that it was all over now and he was committed to me.

If you met him, you'd have fallen for it too.  He is the nicest person, has such a gentle manner and generally well loved everywhere he goes.

We moved overseas together in 2009.  He started cheating on me online with a friend of both of ours from back home just after our first daughter was born.  He created secret email accounts to exchange rude photos between himself and her - and then later 2 other mutual friends of ours.

I didnt find out about any of it until after his brain surgery.  The injury removed his ability to conceal his activities and so over the course of one painful, devastating year, he continued to cheat on me with lots of people - and that all came out, including the historic stuff.

It wasn't just cheating either.  He'd get busted doing it, not want anyone to think badly of him and then go to our close friends and even *MY* family with stories (sometimes outright lies, most often extreme exxagerations) and say the most awful things about me.  It really put everyone under strain.  Everytime I found out about another affair, I'd be devastated.  He'd watch me suffer and whilst comforting me that it really was over now, be busy trying to sleep with our flatmate!  It just felt like it was never going to stop!

If I believe him (and thats very hard to do) it hasn't happened since he started working on "mindfulness" with our therapist.  But I'm so messed up.  Im scared to have close friends around that he might have a go at cheating with, I struggle to imagine it ever stopping.

The doctor says the brain injury has definitely exasperated the BPD, but that he would have likely always had it.

To put this in perspective, its our anniversary today, but I'm so messed up that he married me and didn't tell me about the cheating (given his history, I specifically asked leading up to this).  I mean, its one thing to trick someone into buying you an xbox - another to trick someone into *marriage*.  I couldn't be around him today.  Its just so upsetting.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SweetCharlotte]

Tough situation. Pretty soon it will be out of your hands.

Would you stay with him if he were not terminally ill?

How long does his prognosis say he can expect to be alive?

Maybe you will be burying him "as a friend," because you happen to be his next of kin. I know you would like to forgive him, but it may not be in you to do it. When someone hurts you so deeply, it's asking too much.

Do you want to put your life on hold while you await his final deterioration?

[HealingForMe]

Hey terminallyconfused,

I am so so sorry you find yourself in this situation. It truly is horrible! Finding out you've been cheated on is bad enough, discovering its been endemic would be devastating. For him to be terminally ill on top of that must be so confusing, hurtful, frustrating... . I cant even imagine the horror you're going through!

Are you going to stay with him? As SweetCharlotte asked, would you stay with him if he wasnt terminally ill? Remember, he has made these choices. It is not your responsibility. I know walking away from him esp now might seem like you're abandoning him, but he is making a choice to repeatedly cheat on you. He will continue to cheat, a BPD doesnt change quickly & it sounds like his cheating is actually getting worse. If you stay you are accepting his cheating on you. IMO his behaviour is not acceptable, terminal illness or not.

You also need to consider the health aspect. Apart from the psychological damage he is doing to you, if you continue to have sex with him you are risking STDs. High risk behaviour, incl unprotected sex, is a typical aspect of BPD so there is a high risk of him becoming infected. You need to consider this.

To put this in perspective, its our anniversary today, but I'm so messed up that he married me and didn't tell me about the cheating (given his history, I specifically asked leading up to this).  I mean, its one thing to trick someone into buying you an xbox - another to trick someone into *marriage*.  I couldn't be around him today.  Its just so upsetting.

I can empathize with this, I got tricked into getting engaged. My BPDex never really loved me & used all kinds of manipulation into getting me to buy her an engagement ring. Even the timing when I put it on her finger was a manipulation. I've never caught her cheating on me but I'm sure she has.

In the end, you must put yourself first. This is not being selfish, it is a healthy necessity. You are a real person with real feelings & real needs. You have been walked all over & been terribly disrespected. I get the feeling you have always put him first, you dont have to do that anymore. I understand this is a horrible, terribly complicated decision, but whatever you do, you must put yourself first.

Good luck, my heart really goes out to you. Even amongst all the stories of anguish on here, yours is a tragic one  :'(

[SweetCharlotte]

What has been going on, TC?

I agree with NL that you shouldn't expose yourself to STDs by being intimate with your BPDh.

If you decide to stay with him until he dies, it would be for closure and so that he has a next-of-kin to bury him.

How long does he have? It seems like brain tumors move swiftly.

Maybe on an intuitive level, he was aware of impending illness and death. He wanted someone sweet and understanding to watch over him in this process. This prompted him to deceitfully propose to you despite knowing that he cannot be a good and faithful spouse. It's not fair to you, but don't be too angry at him or at yourself for winding up married to him.

Once again, I'm sorry for the triple-difficulty of your situation (BPD-cheating-terminal illness).

You will survive!

[Foreverhopefull]

You might not have it in you to forgive him now, maybe not before he dies. That's OK, you don't have to forgive.

Right now concentrate on making sure you don't get sick due to his cheating.

[MyGreatEscape]

My heart sank reading your post.

If anyone gets wings for being a saint, my dear, here you go... . you earned them for several lifetimes.

Really awesome advice and questions to ask of yourself already from everyone else... . I would just be repeating what they already said... . but... . if I were in your shoes, I think I would begin detachment, mourn now, and be free of his trickery and callousness as soon as possible.

You do NOT have to forgive and you most certainly will never forget... .

[HealingForMe]

Hey terminallyconfused,

Any more news on what has been happening? It seems there are lots of people concerned about you. Its such a tough spot you're in & we want you to know we care... .