Concrete examples: Ways to disengage from a circular argument or the gauntlet?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I need examples of ways to disengage kindly, compassionately, thoroughly, from an obvious hook or thrown gauntlet... .

So far I have tried: "I'm not discussing this anymore"

This one did not work: "You are triggered, let's take a break"  (sounded like blame and totally backfired).

Please help! Examples are always helpful, either when it works or when it doesn't.

Thanks in advance for helping me out... .

[Olinda]

I need examples of ways to disengage kindly, compassionately, thoroughly, from an obvious hook or thrown gauntlet... .

So far I have tried: "I'm not discussing this anymore"

This one did not work: "You are triggered, let's take a break"  (sounded like blame and totally backfired).

Please help! Examples are always helpful, either when it works or when it doesn't.

Thanks in advance for helping me out... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[MissyM]

What I was told was to take responsibility for me becoming emotionally dysregulated.  "I am getting a little too worked up in this conversation and need to take a break.  I will try again in 20 minutes."  If we try in 20 minutes and it still isn't going well, then I can use the same technique to postpone it a day.  If that doesn't work, then we have to table the conversation for a therapy appointment.  My dBPDh has still become upset with this but it seems to work for me.  Right now, we are just not having any conversations of any emotional charge without a therapist involved. 

[DreamFlyer99]

hi Olinda!

I haven't always done the best job of disengaging, but I've become so much more aware of the dynamics of what is happening.

There was a specific time where I had stated my thoughts at the beginning of the "discussion" and when my H pushed and pushed I stated "I already said what I thought in the first 5 minutes of talking about this." I think I even said that again after a few more pushes from my H to engage. Then I said, as he kept pushing, "you know what I think, and I'm going to go for a walk now." and left the house for a walk.

I'm a fan of compassion too, and I'm glad you are. Sometimes we just have to be very straight up and neutral in our communication with our loved one with BPD, so they have nothing to latch onto. If we don't give them anything they can grab and throw back at us and then remove ourselves, they may still try to engage us but then we remove ourselves for our own personal time-out since we can't put them in one. (no matter how much we might want to!)

I don't know if that's the best way, I know it's not the only way, but that was how I could maintain some sort of control over my own life in that moment.

Another time when my H was getting way agitated I realized that what I was doing was invalidating his feelings. It was one of those holiday dysregulations and I have always had a hard time with his negative view of everything and everyone, so I caught that I was doing my Old thing and starting to say, "why do you have to look at things that way?" because he was being so unkind about our grandson. Then I stopped, realizing "You know what--you get to feel exactly how you want to feel about him!" and that seemed like a huge gift to my H the way he seemed so relieved. I didn't really need to defend our grandson, all my H wanted was to know he could have his feelings even though I didn't like them.

I'm looking forward to when the more experienced members weigh in on this question!

Great question Olinda.

df99

[Lilibeth]

I read An0ught's workshop on validation, and mistakenly put in my post there. Am writing it down here, as i need to know how others think.

Yesterday i consciously tried validation. My husband was narrating something where as usual everyone and everything is rubbish and wrong and noone knows how to do anything right. Then he asked me a question. I started to answer, giving my solution. He just went off the deep end and started getting agitated and angry - i quickly spoke louder than him telling him that his point of view was totally valid and that i fully agreed with him. Almost immediately he stopped and carried on again in his normal tone. I, though, was shaking with fear, but i did it, an0ught... . i got that he was somehow feeling wronged and inadequate, so told him that what he was thinking was right. Did i do the right thing? was that validation? The rest of the day passed in quietness.

DreamFlyer99, thank you for these words - 'Sometimes we just have to be very straight up and neutral in our communication with our loved one with BPD, so they have nothing to latch onto. If we don't give them anything they can grab and throw back at us and then remove ourselves, they may still try to engage us but then we remove ourselves for our own personal time-out since we can't put them in one. (no matter how much we might want to!).' It has made many things clear. As it is i keep a lot of my own thoughts to myself because either he will turn it to himself or say i am in the wrong. It is only when we talk about something that is outside of us like politics or education or some incident that has happened in our country that at least some peaceful conversation happens. But, i have to be alert because i never know which word is going to trigger off his negativity. So, the idea of having 'our own personal time-out' has resonated with me.

[DreamFlyer99]

What I understand of validation is, we validate that they have the feeling but we needn't agree with them if we don't really. So it would perhaps be a bit more of the first part of what you said "I do see why you feel that way" but you needn't say that you fully agree with him if you don't.

For me those little lies to get my H to stop talking were slowly adding up to hurt me inside, so if I didn't agree it was just telling him I could see why he felt that way and that he gets to feel however he wants--then stop.

[Lilibeth]

Aaahh that helped DreamFlyer99 - 'we validate that they have the feeling but we needn't agree with them if we don't really' and then to stop right there.

It is all the hurts that build up inside of ourselves that are so difficult to remove/counter/forget... .

[Grey Kitty]

When things really got out of hand, I have used this one... . generally on the way out the door, which I try not to slam:

"If I stay here any longer, I'll say something that I will regret."

My (internal) mantra in these situations is "Stop the cutting." It doesn't matter if I'm the one being hurt or the one doing the hurting, or both. I'm trying to stop the damage now. The next step will be trying to stop the bleeding and recover.

[Lilibeth]

'Stop the cutting' -- you've summed it. Right now my gauntlet it how to get through the day. For the past week it has been a relentless bashing of my mind with his negativeness and finding fault and going on and on and on about how he has to put up with mediocrity and the foolishness of people etc. I have tried to change the track but for that just a little while back i got a mouthful of what a bad person i was. It's been like a slow blood letting. I have been trying disengaging and disassociating and speaking to myself but today i really feel terrible. Was also feeling disconnected till i logged in here. All of you are really like my lifeline right now.

He thrives on negativeness and as he goes on his mind becomes sharper and clearer. Do others also feel this about the BPDs in their lives?