What a relief . . . for now.

[SweetCharlotte]

My L/D uBPDh couldn't remember why he had a certain keyring at his apartment. He knew he had given it to me as a present. I reminded him that he gave it to me with the keys to his apartment on it, but then stole it back from me three years ago when he became frightened that I was somehow dangerous to him. He laughed and said, "Aren't you glad we are past that?"

It's a relief that we are past such crises, at least for now. He cannot imagine me posing a threat to him, yet there is a definite cycle (the BPD push/pull) that always repeats itself. When—dare I say if—he goes into the push-away phase again, he won't remember this time of trust and security, just like now he can't imagine taking his keys away in fear of me.

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[SweetCharlotte]

I was not sure what my question would be at first, so I'll tack it on now. What are the chances that we really are "past all that"?

It was a nightmare three years ago when he swiped his keys back from atop my dresser. I went to visit him as we had been planning for weeks, although he had balked and was stonewalling me over a verbal show of temper on my part (I do have a temper). When I got to his city after seven hours of driving, he refused to see me. I waited in his lobby for four hours with my youngest, who was seven at the time. When he finally came home from a late-night movie, he spotted us, said, "Oh, no!" and RAN OUT the front door and down the street. I couldn't follow him with the child, obviously, so I checked into a motel. He refused to see us all weekend and I was forced to drive back home after taking the little one for some sight-seeing. He had also checked himself into a hotel for the weekend in order not to run into me again. At the time, I was alcohol-dependent, and he thought any show of temper could lead to me harming him in a drunken rage. I have never hurt him, but I had slapped him across the face the year before while intoxicated and wound up spending the night in "protective custody" (i.e. drunk tank, technically not under arrest for a crime). I went into outpatient rehab because inpatient wouldn't allow me to take care of my kids. Since then I have gone back to occasional drinking but impose a limit of one or two drinks per night, and most days no alcohol at all. Of course, I still binge on four drinks about once a month, but never drive with more than one drink in my system. I am hoping that this level of alcohol consumption will "hold" for me. Like many women, I don't feel comfortable sitting in AA and talking about being powerless with alcohol. I need to have the power, and exercise self-control rather than be controlled by either drinking too much or not drinking at all. We live in a cultural context in which alcohol is the sanctioned drug, and I can't avoid it in my professional life, some of which revolves around "wining and dining" job candidates. And I enjoy certain drinks, like Guinness and Spanish wines. I rarely have anything stronger than that.

I see a therapist to help me coordinate the relationship with a spouse who still does not admit that he has any psychological issues, the drinking habits, my parenting, and my professional life. This way, when the H goes into dysregulation, I can validate and not exacerbate him. Over the past six months (since a painful stonewalling episode last summer that did not involve alcohol, just came from out of the blue from his intimacy issues), this has been working for me and for us. What are the chances a problem will crop up again? How will I know if a really big disturbance is on the way?

[an0ught]

Hi SweetCharlotte,

it certainly is worth taking a step back and look where you are.

It was a nightmare three years ago when he swiped his keys back from atop my dresser. I went to visit him as we had been planning for weeks, although he had balked and was stonewalling me over a verbal show of temper on my part (I do have a temper). When I got to his city after seven hours of driving, he refused to see me. I waited in his lobby for four hours with my youngest, who was seven at the time.

My uBPDh threatened me with divorce frequently starting right after we were wed. At first I gave him Grey Kitty's response. Then I started saying, "No way; I'll fight you on it." That definitely made him do it more. Finally, I paid an attorney and had him served, had the papers drawn up and the case put on the docket. He asked to work it out. I lost a couple thousand dollars, but he has NEVER threatened divorce since.

So his behavior was out of control. You started working on boundaries and that reduced the worst abuse.

I see a therapist to help me coordinate the relationship with a spouse who still does not admit that he has any psychological issues, the drinking habits, my parenting, and my professional life.

He is fairly stable now

What are the chances a problem will crop up again? How will I know if a really big disturbance is on the way?

But you are worried that mad times return.

I became an over-achiever and earned all sorts of degrees, including from the Ivy League. But I can never get over the feeling that I am a third-rate loser

I was not sure what my question would be at first, so I'll tack it on now. What are the chances that we really are "past all that"?

Are you - not we - you?

My personal attitude - being in a somewhat similar situation - is that functioning pwBPD are both somewhat immature and somewhat semi stable. They may be grow out the former but the latter will always be there. But then so are other people as well. "Normal" people under pressure can fall down spectacularly. Nothing in life is 100% safe.

You have achieve a significant turn-around in your relationship and can be proud of it. And you are feeling doubts and self doubts.

It took me a while to realize that when the madness stopped that I had been impacted more than I thought. While serious problems were all handled and gone the anxiety ramped up. Your alcohol use may be - in part - self medicating anxiety and PTSD.  It may be worth checking with the T how you can move past the trauma of the last years.

[SweetCharlotte]

Yes, AnOught, that is what I am working on with my T. He thinks I have Adjustment Disorder rather than PTSD. I guess the symptoms are less severe but just as constant. Having had a uBPDmom, a traumatic first marriage, and then the current uBPDh who has stabilized relative to the rocky beginnings, I still run on anxiety. Thank you very much for standing back to look at the "whole picture."