Double binds - no way out

[Louise7777]

To be honest, I didnt read the whole thread (yet), but something caught my eye:

"What is she trying to accomplish?  She's trying to control something that's not her decision."

Thats what I see with my uBPD/NPD relatives. Im not married to a PD, but anyway I wanted to join cause it will be helpful to me to see what solutions you guys find. Im going through the same with a "figure of authority" (in her head, at least). It has been going on for 3 years and I engaged, disengaged and now Im thinking of fighting back, because no matter how much I avoid her dramas and picking on me she finds new ones. I know it takes two to tango but this woman seems unstopable... . Its all about control of something thats not her business at all. I feel for you all, its not easy! Thank you for this thread.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[hurthusband]

I would not advise fighting back.  The reason being is that there is no rationality in them and there is no winning an argument with them.  All it really does is prolong the fight.  Any valid points you make will be distorted in their heads.

At least with me if i said "how would you feel being told you are a hitty lousy spouse who is incompetant and cannot provide".  They would not even acknowledge that that would feel bad, it would be brushed off and start a different attack

It is not fighting a losing battle, it is just a battle that never ends.  Like World War I or something... everyone draws their lines and then goes to fight cause this or that line is crossed, suddenly you have all out world war taking place forever and a day with the toll being even heavier than if you had just let the line be crossed

I cannot disengage myself, but it seems that you gotta set boundaries early, validate early, and learn to disengage to stay healthy with a BPD

I hate to say it, but the best advice is to stay away from them all together.

I cannot say that I have seen the "successful" people who stay on these boards say they have a "happy marriage".  They just manage to keep their sanity and some joy in their lives which alot of us would kill for.  Sad way to live really, but its love...