Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 07:25:18 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Things we can't ignore
What Does it Take to Be in a Relationship
Why We Struggle in Our Relationships
Is Your Relationship Breaking Down?
Codependency and Codependent Relationships
93
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: How to deal with rejection  (Read 353 times)
Lilibeth
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Posts: 195



« on: March 12, 2014, 03:21:37 AM »

I know that my feeling of rejection at the end of one of his 'episodes' is something i have to learn to deal with. Only, it is so difficult. This would mean starting at the bottom, getting my feeling of self-respect and self-worth back... . sometimes before i have recovered from one another happens... .
Logged
RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

arsenal02

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Posts: 10



« Reply #1 on: March 12, 2014, 07:58:18 AM »

I find that sometimes I can get over it quite easily because my other half can be so loving when the episode is over. Other times though, the abuse or comments can be really personal and cutting. We had a major fall out a couple of weeks ago and some of the things that were said are still bothering me at the back of my mind. That said, it's hard to bring it up with her and relive it all with her in fear of triggering.

I guess I'm trying to get into the headspace of 'it's not her fault'. She doesn't mean to (or for that matter - and perhaps importantly - want to) hurt me. If I can keep that at the forefront of my mind when she's telling me I don't deserve to be happy and that I'm a bad person, then it's ok. I know she loves me though.

Failing that, there's always the pub... . (jokes!)
Logged
Lilibeth
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Posts: 195



« Reply #2 on: March 12, 2014, 09:13:58 PM »

Thanks for sharing, arsenal02.

Exactly, arsenal02, some harsh words just stick... . there's no way i can even think of bringing it up because my husband then gets into a demolish mindset and it only gets worse. Yes, i think we just have to always keep in mind that their reality is different.
Logged
Stamp

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 41


« Reply #3 on: March 13, 2014, 03:59:25 AM »

She doesn't mean to (or for that matter - and perhaps importantly - want to) hurt me.

This is so hard to remember in the heat of the moment, but so true most of the time. 
Logged
123Phoebe
Staying and Undecided
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 2070



« Reply #4 on: March 13, 2014, 06:41:12 AM »

I know that my feeling of rejection at the end of one of his 'episodes' is something i have to learn to deal with. Only, it is so difficult. This would mean starting at the bottom, getting my feeling of self-respect and self-worth back... . sometimes before i have recovered from one another happens... .

Yes, i think we just have to always keep in mind that their reality is different.

This is very true, Lilibeth.

It might sound like a small thing, but something that has been quite significant in my healing is to remember what MY reality is.  The feelings that come up in me cannot be disregarded simply because I believe him to be disordered.  When I have been able to find the strength to express these feelings, positive change has taken place.

We are the other half of this relationship and dynamic.  If we're attaching our self-worth to something/someone outside of ourselves, we're handing over our strength while feeding the dysfunction and in a way, starving ourselves.  Not quite what we truly desire... .

It's been important for me to learn how not to abandon myself.



Logged
ziniztar
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: I chose to end the r/s end of October 2014. He cheated and pushed every button he could to push me away until I had to leave.
Posts: 599



WWW
« Reply #5 on: March 13, 2014, 08:28:24 AM »

Both,

The rejection only hurts if you believe it. As much as you shouldn't believe that you're the most perfect person in the world on up days, you shouldn't believe you're the most horrible one alive on bad days. The truth lies somewhere in the middle.

When you're SO is saying hurtful things, look at him/her as a two-year old that is saying he hates his mommy or daddy because they took away his toy. You know this is not true. Keep that in mind. Value yourself, maybe sometimes talk with friends about what they think about you to keep you a little grounded, and disregard the exact words. "I never want to see you again" can probably be translated with "I need some space now but don't know how to communicate that to you." "You are a bad person and don't deserve love" can be seen as "I don't like you right now and don't want to be nice to you, because you've done something that annoys me."

We can think of our friends and family sometimes that they're idiots, egoists, self-centered, you name it. This can exist in a world where we also love them despite their flaws. This is nearly impossible for the borderline mind, which makes their statements so harsh. At that moment, it's their only truth and they lack perspective.

Good luck with this. Don't forget to take care of yourself. 
Logged
Lilibeth
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Posts: 195



« Reply #6 on: March 13, 2014, 09:51:53 PM »

Thank you 123Phoebe for pointing this out. You have said some really powerful things here. In concentrating on how to deal with his reality, i had let my reality slip - thank you for this pointer... .

Ziniztar, i found comfort in reading what you have written. Thank you.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!