resentment

[FigureIt]

How do you get past the resentment?

How do you just accept?  I understand it is a disorder, but when they refuse to take any steps or responsibility it becomes extremely frustrating.

My uBPD SO has multiple times stated that "it is him", yet does nothing, no counseling, no doctor for his medical disorder, etc.  Yet, he wants me to give MORE!

My therapist did say BPD's have hollow legs... . No matter how much you give it is never enough and they never remember what you gave before.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Olinda]

I hear you. I am working through that also. i need to be able to vent about my perspective never being valid, my feelings being trampled, the world being only about my uBPDfiancee, etc. 

My resentment bubbles up sometimes and it is really my inability to accept the truth: she cannot give me what I need.  The sooner I accept that, the less painful this will be... .

[Determined1]

Yeah it is extremely difficult to not hold resentment after all that usually happens in these relationships. I used to think that if I just read more about BPD or watch YouTube videos about what it is like to have BPD that the resentment will just go away. I feel that it helps to lessen the resentment but constant self-validation is probably the only thing that can keep it at a steady manageable level. It is natural to have some resentment, after all, you and your feelings matter to and it is tough to accept that someone who wants to be understood and validated cannot do the same for you. Having a support group and or someone to vent to does indeed help. Those with BPD have a fuller plate then most because of the emotional sensitivity/invalidating environment combo so as much as they don't want to trample on your feelings, it happens because their plate is overflowing and emotions get spilled all over the place.

[Love Is Not Enough]

By putting yourself first.

By enforcing boundaries. Maybe you will end up pushing them away forever, but hopefully you will motivate them to seek help and change instead. Either way you have to make yourself #1 and be ok with either outcome.

[FigureIt]

I try to put myself first... . sometimes.  When I do, then I get "I'm not loving enough", "You're cold" etc.

I am tired of put downs and feel like my SO has put a dark cloud over our house.  I can never make plans for dinner or an evening because I always get "I don't know."

[123Phoebe]

I try to put myself first... . sometimes.  When I do, then I get "I'm not loving enough", "You're cold" etc.

Sometimes without even realizing it we're putting ourselves first in an invalidating way, at least it could be perceived that way by some  

Would you mind typing out a typical conversation, like how you go about trying to make plans for dinner?

We might be able to help

[waverider]

Making your life more and more about you and not dependent on anyone else is about the most effective way. At least you are not let down as much or feel like you are loosing out.

You will always feel frustration, but that is not as bad as it normalizes out between frustrations, whereas resentment has a carry over effect and causes you to have a preemptive attitude.

Try to stay out of living in the "pending changes" mode

[ziniztar]

Hey FigureIt,

My DBPDbf very often says 'I don't know'. Please try to understand that he/she really doesn't know at the time. What really helps with my SO is the following:

"I want to make plans for dinner tonight. We have two options: can either have dinner together, or I go out and you can have some time for yourself / go out with your friends / whatever. Which one sounds best to you?"

If he still doesn't know, add to it: "I need an answer by 5:00 pm tonight, so you can have some time to think about it."

Explain what your motive is, give options, let them choose and be in control, and give an ultimatum. With us it always works. Make sure you don't let simmer through which option you prefer, as this gives them the feeling they have no control and you are being dishonest.

[waverider]

If you are indecisive with a pwBPD they will mirror it back to you.

[letmeout]

If you are indecisive with a pwBPD they will mirror it back to you.

I have to add that they project everything back at you too.

Is mirroring and projecting the same thing?

[FigureIt]

Would you mind typing out a typical conversation, like how you go about trying to make plans for dinner?

We might be able to help

I can use yesterday as an example.  Thurs. night I asked if he was going out after work.  He said "I don't know"  I said could you text me and let me know so that I can either make dinner or order out.  He said "okay"  Next day around 3 I sent him a text asking again if he was going out after work because I wanted to plan for dinner.  No response.

At 5:30 he was not home yet, so I sent him a text asking if he was going out.  He said "stopping for a bit" so I asked when he would be home.  response "soon"  (soon can be anywhere between 30min-2hrs. for him)  I then sent a text asking about dinner... . No response.

So, at 6:30 he wasn't home yet, I took my daughter & self out for dinner.  Got back about 2hrs. later and he was home.  When home didn't really talk to me.  Did his own thing.  I went to bed at 11:00 and he said he was going to stay up, never came up.

Now today he has gone out.  When I ask where going... . "not sure"  What time will you be home?  "not sure"  Will you be home for dinner?  "I don't know" 

I get so frustrated because I don't get any definitive answer to make any kind of plans.  And I generalize by saying "You don't tell me anything." and in his mind he is.  And when he does decide to come home and I am not here, I'll get he was "home alone"  "I don't care... . " etc.

[waverider]

If you are indecisive with a pwBPD they will mirror it back to you.

I have to add that they project everything back at you too.

Is mirroring and projecting the same thing?

Mirroring is more often used to bond, and show they are the same, it is copying you and can be subconscious. Projection originates from them and is often associated with a defensive/attacking action. It is more deliberate.


There is some overlapping at times. It has its origins in similar behavior, it is about assimilation and making you both appear on the same level

[123Phoebe]

And I generalize by saying "You don't tell me anything." and in his mind he is. 

Figure it

I don't want to generalize what's going on or jump to conclusions, this quote (to me) is somehow speaking volumes though.  I've dealt with similar issues

Not getting an answer when you ask a serious question stinks.  His non-responses or vague responses ("I don't know", "not sure", "soon" are actually responses though, just not the ones that you (or I) would like to hear.

It sounds like he doesn't want to have to answer to anybody.  That he values his independence more than what being in a relationship means to you.  :)oes that make sense?  Not that he doesn't value your relationship-- there are drivers behind his actions.

There's more at play here than getting him to give you a definitive answer about dinner plans.  He's not in any hurry to get home   For me anyway, I would want to create an environment that's welcoming and comfortable, a place where he can let his hair down and be himself, without taking away from his 'freedom', while still being true to who you are.  He is who he is.

What has worked for me is allowing myself independence and freedom of choice, with respect for him and our relationship...

I might say something like this: "It's going to be so cold tomorrow, brrr, thinking about making a pot of chili, m'm yum.  :)oes it sound good to you?"

Him: "Not sure, it's not tomorrow yet"

Me: "  That's understandable.  Yea, that's what I'm going to make, with some good crusty bread... M'm"

If planning dinner is what I'm really addressing, I'll stick with that theme.  It eliminates the future texts and subsequent un-surety of it all.

If he doesn't come home for dinner, well, that's another issue in need of addressing... .

One thing at a time.  Baby steps, to build trust.

[waverider]

He believes his time is his and resents having it tied down with committments. pwBPD struggle with keeping comittments in any case as they do  not feel the effect of the inconvenience it imposes on others.

My partner does the opposite but the effect is the same. She needs to know ETAs all the time and will be very decisive in where she is going, how long and when. There is no indecision about it. The problem is the plans are never met. Everything is cancelled or delayed. This makes coming up with a plan B very difficult as you have been told specifically "I will be there at 6" 6 will become 7 (advised at 7.15), this then becomes 8, which then becomes not feeling well can't make it. This applies from the tiniest thing to even important medical appointments and makes her totally unemployable.

To question this behavior is seen as as bullying. It can't be changed. Her time is her time and she lives it on impulse, and in her mind its non of my business, and how it effects others is of little consequence. So I just do my thing and she is either there or not, I dont pester over it the only person it affects is me.

The resentment in your case is from the fact that he doesn't tell you anything. You know this you probably wont change it, the resentment comes from hoping it will change instead of just working around that fact.

Dont ask him what he is doing for dinner. Tell him what you are doing. Take charge

[FigureIt]

Waverider,

He was gone for 12hrs. the other day and then came home very intoxicated.

I was irritated that I didn't know where he was, but I took my daughter out for about 5hrs. during that time.  I left a note at home saying where I was if he returned before me. (which he didn't)

When he learned I had done something with my daughter, he threw it back at me that I went somewhere and he didn't know... .  

1. He didn't care or ask & 2. I was gone and back, 5hrs. before he returned.  Should I just drop the whole thing and ignore it?

[waverider]

He may have thrown it back, but you don't have to catch it.

State how it made you feel (that is your right), then drop it. The more you try to convince him of anything the more he will "throw things back'. It escalates and you feel even worse. Dont't try to justify what you do, he is not listening and doesn't have the empathetic levels to really care.

Continue to go do things if you want, that is also your right. Avoid falling into deliberate tit for tat.

[FigureIt]

Thank you waverider... .

I understand my being resentful is wanting something that doesn't exist. Right now I am trying to accept, but there are things that just don't end.

Tonight my uBPDbf came home late from work, about 3hrs. I texted asking where he was and got "leaving now", when he arrived home I found he was at a local casino, but when I asked he never said where he went just played it off as working late. I don't understand the evasion.

When these things happen, it is hard to get past the "lying", which if the tables where switch and it was me I would be blasted, untrusted, etc.

[waverider]

Tonight my uBPDbf came home late from work, about 3hrs. I texted asking where he was and got "leaving now", when he arrived home I found he was at a local casino, but when I asked he never said where he went just played it off as working late. I don't understand the evasion.

A pwBPD will always feed their wants first of all, regardless of what effect on others. They compartmentalize this as their business not yours. Bottom line to him being in the casino is more fun than being at home. How can you change that? Making demands wont work, in fact they will fuel it.

If you want him to come straight home then he will have to want it first.

When these things happen, it is hard to get past the "lying", which if the tables where switch and it was me I would be blasted, untrusted, etc.

Dont even think about fairness or equality, you are not going to achieve that. The ease with which a pwBPD will just flip off a lie is simply incomprehensible. They do not have any boundaries between fibs, truth and twisted truths so they do not hesitate moving from one to the other. They will often just use whatever suits, or best describes how they feel, or attains what they want.

Not asking or pursing it is the best way of not being sucked in.

Bottom line is for him to treat you well he has to want to treat you well, even if that means he is only doing it to feed his need for approval by being seen to, or be thanked for it.

What is his pay off for doing the right thing? This is what drives him, not obligation or responsibility.

Evasion is all about avoiding responsibility and obligation. Risk taking, gambling, drinking, and drugs are often the tools used to feed delusional behavior (escapism).

[bruceli]

Making your life more and more about you and not dependent on anyone else is about the most effective way. At least you are not let down as much or feel like you are loosing out.

You will always feel frustration, but that is not as bad as it normalizes out between frustrations, whereas resentment has a carry over effect and causes you to have a preemptive attitude.

Try to stay out of living in the "pending changes" mode

To a certain point except for a few exceptions that I have not been able to work around... . Sex being the hardest.  Not easy to get around this one I have found and also going out with people.  Other women area huge trigger for my PD.

[bruceli]

Hey FigureIt,

My DBPDbf very often says 'I don't know'. Please try to understand that he/she really doesn't know at the time. What really helps with my SO is the following:

"I want to make plans for dinner tonight. We have two options: can either have dinner together, or I go out and you can have some time for yourself / go out with your friends / whatever. Which one sounds best to you?"

If he still doesn't know, add to it: "I need an answer by 5:00 pm tonight, so you can have some time to think about it."

Explain what your motive is, give options, let them choose and be in control, and give an ultimatum. With us it always works. Make sure you don't let simmer through which option you prefer, as this gives them the feeling they have no control and you are being dishonest.

This leads to ragging and the I'm controlling rant.  My pwpd does not do well with ultimatums and boundaries.

[bruceli]

By putting yourself first.

By enforcing boundaries. Maybe you will end up pushing them away forever, but hopefully you will motivate them to seek help and change instead. Either way you have to make yourself #1 and be ok with either outcome.

Pretty much my experience with this mode.

[Lilibeth]

Thank you for this line, Waverider - Making your life more and more about you and not dependent on anyone else is about the most effective way. At least you are not let down as much or feel like you are loosing out.

Sometimes i too tend to feel that practically all of life has gone by... .

[123Phoebe]

What is his pay off for doing the right thing? This is what drives him, not obligation or responsibility.

This is a really interesting point, waverider!

In my case, his lack of obligation and responsibility is what drove me to take both of those things on in an unhealthy way.  I felt overly obligated and responsible for him and his behavior.  Yikes, just like when I was a kid; my default setting.

And then I'd feel resentful for it and create my own b&w/push-pull scenario.