Separate rooms common? How if possible to fix?

[Recurve]

I have been married for 15 years and have 3 children. I was posting on another thread and three of us are in the situation of our wives with BPD have insisted on separate bedrooms or even worse the couch. I am going on two years in separate rooms. I have only known about BPD for about a year and have a T for about 9 months now and still have lots to learn. Is this living arrangement common for married with children and the wife has BPD or BPD traits? I was surprised when all three of us in the thread, who have been married for longer times had the same living arrangements!

Basically it is liked being divorced under the same roof but certainly is not a good example for the kids.  My wife decided after I got back from a business trip that was the new arrangement.  I have learned about boundaries and going to my T is tested every time.  I am working on validation techniques too.  Just curious how common is the separate room situation.  Thanks for any input, comments, and if this has happened to you. Sincerely recurve

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[123Phoebe]

Hi Recurve

I can't give you a personal example as I don't live with my pwBPD, but do know a few couples that sleep in separate bedrooms and they seem to really enjoy it!  They don't have PD's so were able to discuss the pros/cons of this arrangement.  It doesn't take away from their love for each other, as they're getting more sleep, yay!  They have their own décor and make jokes of what animals love who the best.  They don't lack in intimacy or warmth for each other.  Good sleep is valued tremendously, above feeling rejected because they don't like the snoring or middle of the night bathroom trips or whatever

[MissyM]

Well, I am married to a dBPDh.  We are currently separated but have quite often slept separately.  This is sometimes my request but  he gets up almost every night and moves to the couch.  Of course he blames me for sleeping on the couch every night because about 1 time  a month I am awoken from him snoring (multiple times in a night) and ask him to leave.  There was a time (when he was addicted to drugs) that he slept in our garage apartment.  Quite honestly, I was terrified of him at that time and didn't want him in the house.  So, we have slept apart a lot.  Mostly this is his doing but he blames me for it.  What does your BPDw say about sleeping apart?

[In_n_Out]

I was "exiled" to the spare bedroom in our last house and she moved to another room to sleep in the house before that so yes, for us at least, it was common.  There was an obvious correlation to her being dysregulated emotionally as well.  She would say that I snore or roll over too much and she's a light sleeper but I can't buy that when we have also slept in the same bed for many months at a time (in happy times).  I would chalk it up to the push/pull and that it is their way of getting separation from you because they are hurting or emotionally dysregulated and need that space.  Once they get that space, they find peace in their alone time at night and a night on the sofa turns in to weeks, months or years if it goes unaddressed.  IMHO.

[Perez]

Guilty as charged.  For us sleeping in separate bedrooms is all about being painted black by my uBPDw.  It used to be sporadic in our marriage and I fought it tooth and nail as it always led to emotional as well as physical separation.  Now it is more or less permanent, a permanent push.

Of course the kids figure it out right away that something is wrong with Mom and Dad.  Just found out recently that my wife lied to my kids that I was the one who instigated the separation.  Happy times!

I am trying to figure out if it is worth fighting the battle to reclaim the room and either sleep together or have her be the one to move out. 

[Recurve]

Hi MissyM, my uBPDw said that she didn't trust me and didn't feel I have her back because of a situation that happened 5 years ago which we disagree on what happened.  I think it is the push Perez mentions as my family and I have been painted black now for years.  She went to a separate room the day after I got back from a business trip and that was two years ago.  I used to try and reconcile with her for the first year but have given up for now until I get some more skills to communicate with her.  Probably the trip triggered feelings of abandonment and I was already painted black for the other items on her "list" that I have done.  Like Perez  I am trying to decide on whether to continue on this way.  If it was sleeping separate because of snoring, etc I wouldn't mind so much... . I certainly agree with phoebe123, there are very good and healthy reasons some couples sleep apart... . however when it's because the spouse is dysregulated and/or has painted their significant other black, I don't think that is healthy for either person. In_n_out is right, if it goes unaddressed, as in my case, one night turns into years... . How to address it? I obviously don't know how... . yet

[WisdomSeeker]

I agree with Perez that when a BPD wants a separate sleeping arrangement, there is a significant likelihood of being painted black. I personally experienced this.  

Here is how it happened to me. One time she stopped in the middle of sex and complained that she was no longer attracted to my personality. Then one day, we had a trivial fight and she suggested that I sleep in the extra room. I didn't mind this because she frequently wanted to read in bed with the lights on or sometimes she wouldn't come to bed until 4 am. I felt that these were both selfish behaviors. However, when we had guests we would go back to sleeping together in the master bedroom until the guests left. Finally, after a year of this she commenced with an affair with a younger guy. So, I found a place, packed my stuff, and moved out in 90 minutes while she was having dinner with her girlfriends. I left a letter and the keys and that was the last time I saw her. I declined to answer her text and email. Finally, she called me using a different phone number. She wanted to get together to get closure and reduce her guilt or shame. I wouldn't allow it because she never apologized. She is still seeing this guy. And I am still suffering.

I suggest you invite some guests over so that you are both forced to sleep together again and continue sleeping there after the guests leave. Maybe some cuddling will work. I would monitor your situation carefully though, you could be on a slippery slope. I wish you the very best.

[MissyM]

2 years is a long time!  If you have been painted black this whole time, I don't know if she will change  her mind.  That seems an awful long time.  My uBPDh can do it for a couple of months but then usually goes on to paint someone else black.  He seems unable to maintain too many people painted black at the same time.

[HealingForMe]

I would sometimes get banished to the couch or she would say she wanted to sleep there the night. She would say it was because of my snoring but it was only ever when she was upset with me for something, never in our good times together.

She mostly stopped doing it after I explained to her that it made me feel rejected & how much I loved waking up next to her, so that the very first thing I saw in the morning was her beautiful face.

You could try that but as a few of you have been sleeping separately for a while it will prob be more difficult than it was for me

[empathic]

Here too. The upside is that I've never slept as good. My wife likes to go to bed early (9 p.m. typically) and she's a very light sleeper, so before when sharing a bedroom she always made sure I knew she was awakened by me going to bed (say at 10:30 p.m. or so). I didn't like the feeling of waking someone up by going to bed.

She's also very sensitive to sound. At one time she woke me up and told me I made too much noise by breathing (which struck me as funny - should I stop breathing?). She's woken me up so many times in the middle of the night so that alone makes me wary of sleeping next to her. I feel uncomfortable and can't get to sleep in that situation anymore.

[moveforward]

Hi Recurve,

It is interesting you mentioned that as I always wondered that myself… I am now separated from my uBPDh as last November he has decided once again to sleep in separate rooms. He has done that many times during our 13 years together and I have noticed it got worse after our d was born. Like you mentioned it really is like being divorced and living a lie… And, I do think our kids are aware of that too…

Sleeping separate also meant withdrawal of affection and everything else that comes with push mode… I believe that in my specific case it also meant a new affair… every time he was upset with me and got into push mode I believe it was to punish me somehow from something wrong he believed I was doing… It was always really hard for me to face that and it hurt so much I have decided I will not let it happen again… I am just too tired and I can’t live like that anymore….  I hope you find the strength if you are willing to go on…

Peace x

[whatstheuse]

I agree with empathic, Its been more than 20 years in my own room. My wife is a poor sleeper which she blamed on me. Now, it's her problem. I do snore so I am sure that I did  bothered her. However, other things she complained about didn't exist. I quite frankly like this arrangment. This has been a nonfactor in our relationship.\, although i do miss the clossness at times

[Seneca]

yes, for three years now. at first, it caused a personal crisis "what does this mean? what will the kids think?" but in the end it has served a great source of peace for me to be alone and have a space that is mine. he initiated it, i begged off and on for months for him to come back. he said it was because of our sleep quality, which admittedly wasn't good. I just felt abandoned. then i realized how lovely it is to go to the bedroom and there is NO DRAMA. no laying in bed feeling the tension or anger or cold shoulder. no should we or shouldnt we have sex? i can't tell you how many nights i cried myself to sleep from loneliness and frustration, while he was lying beside me. being ACTUALLY alone is so much more preferable than that. 

[itsnotme567]

My wife moved out of our bedroom months ago but even after fileing for divorce she was still comming to bed with me many nites sometimes for sex then telling me to never  touch her again, but still showing up the next nite for a back rub. I think she's has given up on me now she has not been back after going caught by her daughter or son in law to many times and always telling them a lie for why she was upstairs.

[blue_skies_ahead]

I am now divorced from my exBpdH and he moved out of  our marriage bed with no explanation 7 months before our separation.  No explanation.   Clothing moved ... . The Computer that he was constantly on ... . everything.  I am shocked that this is so common, but also oddly comforted.   It's like there's a secret book of "plays" only they have access to.

[HealingForMe]

she was still comming to bed with me many nites sometimes for sex then telling me to never  touch her again, but still showing up the next nite for a back rub.

My BPDexgf did that for a while. We used to sleep in the same bed but cuddling only, no sex (she has sex issues after being sexually abused as a child). However about every 2wks to a month she would put the hard word on me, then in the morning blame me for taking advantage of her, despite it being her who wouldnt take no for an answer 

[Mike_confused]

Wow... .

yes, the separate room or couch demand my my BPDw also happened a couple years ago.  She only wanted me to come to bed to have sex with her, then banishment to the couch.  I tolerated it for 6 months.   I then told her I was going to live at our second home in the woods - my ancestral home actually.  I told her I was not going to accept the couch any longer.   

This, as you can imagine, triggered a full-on abandonment response from her.   She claimed I did not want her - completely untrue.  She started with the bad husband  claims.  I did not bite, except to call her bluff.   Eventually she begged me to come back.  This i did on a limited basis, roughly half the nights in a given week.

You see, the problem for me extends beyond the second room/couch demand:  she deprives me of sleep on a regular basis.   I am not early to bed, but I am a 6AM guy.   She will do whatever she can to make sure I get no more than 4 hours of sleep a night.  I used to think it was just a difference in our schedules.  I now am convinced that she consciously or semi-consciously makes and effort to keep me awake much longer than I want to.   She has difficulty sleeping, whereas I could sleep in a rock quarry while blasting is underway.  This angers her.

Needless to say, yes, I have experienced the couch demand also.  I called her bluff, establishing a boundary.  I cannot say it will work for everyone.

[Cloudy Days]

We have a small house so separate rooms isn't really possible, but he's made it as possible as he can. We have a media room that has our hobbies in it and there is a couch in it that he sleeps on 90% of the time. When he does sleep in the bed it is when I am not there or he comes in right before I get up for work. I have slept alone for the most part for the past 3 years. We have been looking to move to a larger house, I do think he will have his own room once that happens. But to be fair I want my own room but for crafting purposes not for separate bedrooms. I never understood it, he always makes such a big deal about wanting to feel closer to me but he won't even sleep in the same room with me most of the time.

[readytogo]

I thought it was just me. we have had separate rooms for about 4 months with no likleyhood of rejoining. My wBPD is a light sleeper and would get up and sleep on the couch most nights. Things got worse after my d found raunchy texts on her phone by accident to another man. After a huge argument wBPD walked out for 4 days but returned and demanded a separate bed.

So the sex has stopped as has the loving relationship. I get told you cant fix things with a f##k! and sex is not love. Are these common BPD thoughts. Im bewildered. Am I 'painted black" now.

Have got to the point where I dont even want to try anymore, rather just get out and restart my life.

[HealingForMe]

hey readytogo,

I'm sorry to hear about that, esp your d finding out

So the sex has stopped as has the loving relationship. I get told you cant fix things with a f##k! and sex is not love. Are these common BPD thoughts. Im bewildered. Am I 'painted black" now.

It does seem to be pretty common & unfortunately its unlikely to change. You caught her out so in her mind its now your "fault" she got caught. pwBPD generally dont consider if they hadnt done stepped outside the r/s, they wouldnt have been caught. She most likely thinks she hasnt even done anything wrong. BPD is a very difficult mental illness!

Have you decided what you're going to do? Something I've been figuring out is being proactive instead of floating along trying not to rock the boat gives us back the power that's been stolen from us. We all deserve to be in charge of our own lives, not be told what we can & cant do or say (within reason )

[readytogo]

Hi Nachaluva

you hit the nail on the head so to speak.

wBPD absolutely thinks and says she has done nothing wrong and is probably still doing it, she is very secretive now.

I have decided on a split and spoken a couple of times to wBPD about it and setting her free.

Of course the battlelines have been drawn now.

Have to get an agreement on a separation agreement which after 32 years of marriage is going to be a little messy I am picking.

Now that I have made a decision I do feel better in my self but ready for the next tirade.

Am way better equipped since joining this forum.

[DB33]

Three years with my GF. There were times when she would practically fall off the bed trying to distance herself from me. Intimacy and kissing went out the window a couple years ago and has been sporadic and rare since.

We lived together, broke up and have been living together for the past couple of months.

For the past eight months she has slept on the couch. When she started she had got a puppy and said she needed to house train it and would need to sleep on the couch for six months. I tried to talk sense into her to no avail. At the time we weren't living together. She got in financial trouble and asked me to move back in. I did, but her sleeping arrangement has not changed. She is afraid of the dark, and I am starting to think she is subconsciously afraid of her bed. She was sexually abused as a child. For the past week she has had her teenage son sleep on the floor next to her. He had watched a scary movie and is also afraid of the dark and shows all the symptoms  :-/

Since moving in we have done nothing but grow further apart.

I don't see this arrangement changing until she has a new boyfriend that she is head over heels in love with. She may then cycle with him, or maybe she will be able to find peace and be happy with him.

[pwilcox]

We shared a bed for nine years but I am now sleeping in the basement. It saddens me after reading all these replies that this may very well be permanent. I have definitely been "painted black" as others have said.

[empathic]

I agree with empathic, Its been more than 20 years in my own room. My wife is a poor sleeper which she blamed on me. Now, it's her problem. I do snore so I am sure that I did  bothered her. However, other things she complained about didn't exist. I quite frankly like this arrangment. This has been a nonfactor in our relationship.\, although i do miss the clossness at times

Yes, same here. Every time she had too little sleep she'd be dysregulated in the morning and blame it on me. Now she can't blame it on anyone else but herself. That's why I'm rather reluctant to move in there again, because I can assure you that in one or two nights she'll go back to blaming me again.

[Mike_confused]

Every sleepless night my BPDw has is my fault and not due to the fact that she sadly cannot handle normal daily stresses due to her childlike emotional development.