Would a therapist suggest that my BPDbf break contact with me?

[Shimmer moon]

My BPDbf has been seeing his therapist weekly. I am very proud of him and trying to be supportive. He told me that he needed time to find himself and "sort it out".  His therapist told him that he needs to deal with being alone and working on himself. 

I am trying to give him space.

He calls/texts me that he misses me and loves me. Only a few phone calls.

The other day he asked me to pick a day to meet him for a bit.  But, then he went to his session and told me that his therapist thought he should focus on himself for at least the next couple months. That while he would love to see me, it would not be a good idea. He says he is not with anyone else. But needs to get better.

If this will truly help him and is normal treatment, I want to be supportive. Is this a standard treatment?

Or, is this simply a way of keeping me on a string?

I want to do the right thing. But, not be a fool either... .

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[In_n_Out]

I *wish* that mine would go be with just herself for however long it takes to learn that she *can* be self-sufficient and self-fulfilling but she never has done that in her entire life time and I don't think that she ever could.  She is much too reliant upon others for her necessities.  Is it standard therapeutic procedure to tell a client to "go be by yourself"?  I wouldn't think so, especially given the nature of the disorder; abandonment.  While the ultimate goal would be for the pwBPD to be able to have "them" time alone, just making them *do it* would be like telling an alcoholic to "just stop drinking cold turkey because you know that is what is best for you".  Some could/can do it, but it takes more than just wishing it so from a therapist.

Does that mean he's seeing somebody else?  Is he projecting what he thinks he wants to hear from his therapist on to you because he wants to "run" from you?  I don't know and I won't speculate an answer.  I can only go on my personal experience in that when I was told that mine "needed to be alone to figure things out", she had never stopped seeing my replacement and in fact escalated their time together while going NC with me for 30 days.

[MissyM]

That depends on what the therapist thinks is going on.  BPDs lie to their therapists, it takes someone well trained to sift through what is going on.  Has he been diagnosed?  Maybe the therapist simply agreed with him when he said it would be better not to see you.  My dBPDh used to say his therapist said all kinds of things, those were usually distortions and reactions from is old therapist based upon my husband's lies.  Fortunately, all of the therapists involved at the moment are well aware of my dBPDh's issues.  Of course, that makes him want to stop therapy.  I think he is aware enough to realize that a divorce will not go well for him, if he doesn't have a therapist and 12 step support.  No judge is going to give him much access to the children, without all of those things in place.

[Shimmer moon]

Thank you In n Out and Missy M for your input.  I feel for both of you.  It is a never ending scenario.

When he had his recent rages, he told me how sorry he was and that he was going back to his T.  This is someone that he had been treating with, but stopped.  He gave me the name and some details.  Of course, I have no way to know if it is true.  He never admitted to the diagnosis... . only said "trust issues", due to a previous bad relationship.

He acknowledged that he has tremendous feelings for me and that it scares him.  That is why the rage and pushing me away.  Not sure if he admits to the BPD label.  He ignored that when we discussed it... .

He calls/texts me when he is drunk, and other times.  I know the alcohol abuse is a symptom and just adds to the mix.

It seems whenever I get to my boiling point (which is incredibly high) and let him know how upset I am over the lack of mutual support and lack of contact; he calls right away and wants to fix it all.  I realize through reading the boards and posts that this could be classic BPD.

Not sure if I should go along with the "several months" minimal/NC; and hope he improves.  Or, just call him out on it and tell him that I think he is taking gross advantage of my high boiling point and just wants to keep me on a shelf for now... .

[Skip]

It's really hard to second guess what is going on in his therapy - is the therapists prescribing a recovery plan or is he just agreeing with the clients expressed need for space.  However, if asked, a therapist would likely say that with 8-12 weeks of complete uncertainty and limited contact, there may very well be no relationship to return to.  Or to to this another way, saving the relationship is not the top priority here - something else is.  That is not necessarily bad - just a statement of the obvious.

So what should you do?

If it were me (one mans opinion/style), and I wanted to see this through, I'd give it unconditional space for a limited amount of time and then meet.

You could just wait 3-4 weeks, and then ask to meet at a restaurant to talk.  Or you could wait a few weeks and talk/text to set up a future date to meet for lunch to talk - maybe 6-8 weeks out.  The latter is good in that he has a say in the timing.  

When you meet, you can share that you want to work with the therapist too, so that you can be supportive and be supported to - that it is hard being on the sidelines with all the uncertainty.   Don't force it or threaten or be reassuring - just put it out there, very seriously/sincerely - and let him say what he wants to say.

This should clear things up for you. It gives him space. It keeps you from being a doormat. Its very mature (and hard, too).  Good mental health is often hard or requires discipline.

In my current relationship, I found that giving the other person space and backing way off without pouting or being wounded or withdrawing did a world of good for the relationship.  They felt truly supported.  At the same time, it could go the other way.

Are you willing to invest this in the relationship?  

One thing about taking this time, is that you can also invest it in yourself.  Work out, learn how to speak mandarin ( bad joke) - an most importantly, look into what it means to support a person with addiction and personality struggles - posting on the Staying Board and reading the lessons can open your eyes, teach you skills that can be used to better any relationship.

[hergestridge]

Just a guess:

Your BPD bf is telling his therapist what a pain in the ass you are and that you are the root of all his problems. This is called projecting and it's one of the things that BPD people (if they are in a relationship) are 95% likely to do when they see a therapist.

The therapist is just stating the obvious, making a conclusion of what the BPD person just said; you are saying that you would be happier apart from your girlfriend. Why don't you spend time apart from her then?

The BPD person is then going to say that his therapist has told him spend time apart from you, which is not true at all. Even if a BPD person agrees with a statement, they don't internalize it. They hold people responsible not only for their statements, but also for the things they describe in their statements.

"You said that this was a good camping site, so why is it hit?"

"He said I was a good dancer, so how come I can't dance?"

"The therapist said I needed to spend time away from my girlfriend, so how come she feels I'm pushing her away?"

They don't see their own part, their own responsibility.

What my wife has done on several occasions - and still does - is to take her own plans, present them to somense else (like a therapist) and have them say "... . sounds like a (good) plan". Then she thinks it's OK to present these very plans as that person's plans. She's signing away responsibility. This behaviour is like a drug. I pointed out ten years ago that it had to stop, and my wife agreed. Still she's doing it and I have to call her on it every time.

Her dad, mother, boss, therapist and co-workers all make her do the craziest things, but once I meet them face to face they're quite reasonable people. 

[Skip]

Just a guess:

Your BPD bf is telling his therapist what a pain in the ass you are and that you are the root of all his problems. This is called projecting and it's one of the things that BPD people (if they are in a relationship) are 95% likely to do when they see a therapist.

The therapist is just stating the obvious, making a conclusion of what the BPD person just said; you are saying that you would be happier apart from your girlfriend. Why don't you spend time apart from her then?

All of the above may very well be true in this case (or not), but the behavior described is not limited to people with BPD traits - many people in a conflicted relationship do the very same thing - many of our members do this - its pretty typical.

And many people use the therapist as cover - consciously or subconsciously.

This is why its important to get a seat at the table if you are going to stay in the relationship - so you get a more honest perspective and the therapist doesn't become a weapon.   And its also a good idea, at that point, to agree that the therapist is not a referee or the relationship partner and that we only speak our own feeling toward each other.



I need 6-8 weeks of space (not, there therapists says I need 6-8 weeks of space).

Are you sure that makes sense? (not, what does your therapists think about this).

These are relationships that have difficult times - thats a given.  On the Staying Board we are looking for ways to solve problems.

Hope this helps.

[hergestridge]

Still I think the combination BPD and "My therapist said... . " means you should take things with a grain of salt. Had I known how to deal with "My therapist said... . " 10 years ago it would have saved me so much trouble.

But then again, you can't make him stay with you. Whoever he says told him to leave you (even though it may be temporary) - you can't do anything about it.

[an0ught]

Still I think the combination BPD and "My therapist said... . " means you should take things with a grain of salt. Had I known how to deal with "My therapist said... . " 10 years ago it would have saved me so much trouble.

But then again, you can't make him stay with you. Whoever he says told him to leave you (even though it may be temporary) - you can't do anything about it.

Well, you could say "I love you - don't leave me." which may well be invalidating and making matters worse.

Respecting that our partner has an option leaving us and may well be considering it is tough. Validating thinking about leaving is one of the really hard things for us as it requires us to face unpleasant possibilities. Hearing it, reflecting it and not judging it ain't easy: "I hear you need distance and I get that it may help you. Maybe we were too close. It may help us - I got to admit do struggle with it - miss you."

The other day he asked me to pick a day to meet him for a bit.  But, then he went to his session and told me that his therapist thought he should focus on himself for at least the next couple months. That while he would love to see me, it would not be a good idea. He says he is not with anyone else. But needs to get better.

It may well be that the T has suggested some distance. After all distance helps to break dysfunctional interactions. Often on the board there is a recommendation to find space away, travel etc. . There is also the option of a therapeutic separation. In that light I would suggest that while the idea is good the execution may well not be so ideal. It might be good to validate his need for distance but then also try to agree on firm fixed points in time to touch base with each other. You are feeling abandoned and that is not fair. Also without fixed dates both sides are left to constantly wonder when it is right to approach the other. And there will never be the ideal time so both sides feel uncomfortable.

[Shimmer moon]

I really feel so fortunate to have found this site and all the helpful input. Even though some of it hurts, it has all already crossed my mind.

I texted him that I, as well as he, need time to deal with issues. I suggested that we talk in 2 weeks.

I intend to take that time to focus on myself and spending the time constructively.

Hopefully, I won't contact him before that... .   Spent all afternoon outside doing house/garden work. That helped

[corraline]

My ex when wanting to stay in would tell me how his therapist supported our working things through

On valentines day his new therapist tells him im not the kind of woman he should b in a long term relationship with and he ends it

A therapist may suggest focusing on himself but i cant imagine suggesting breaking it off in your case or mine

My ex has a background in counseling and psychology as his profession (currently retired) and would have jumped all over this if i had presented this to him

In fact he did when ive brought stuff to the table that a therapist has suggested about our relationship

Thats how im certain he was using this comment he made recently to validate his decision to withdraw from me