Sharing a pet...

[JS0811]

I know this may seem out of place on this board with most people sharing custody of children. But I am wondering if anyone has ever attempted to share a dog or pet with an ex with BPD. My ex broke up with me about a week ago, and when he did i told him it would be hard to say goodbye to him and he replied with " well we share Barnaby so we will be seeing eachother". Yes we do share a dog, but I am the one who adopted the dog in the beginning. I know as far as the law goes I could take our dog and not share him. But the last time he broke up with me I attempted this... . and boy that did not go well. He started yelling and wanted me to leave and wouldn't even let me touch my own dog.

    This time I am trying to not go there again, but I do feel I need some advice on what to do. Is he using the dog as a way to sort of have his cake and eat it too? We both love our dog very much, but Im afraid seeing him weekly to get the dog and drop him off is going to be hard on me.

   Just the other day I went there to pick up Barnaby and  he asked where we were going. I told him I was going to take him for a walk by the creek by my mothers house. He replied with " oh that sounds nice, I wish I could go. " he even repeated himself saying he wished he could go? This really confused me... considering he just broke up with me a couple days prior. Then after me and my dog got into the car he walked outside to the front porch and waved and smiled goodbye until i turned the corner... . This also seemed strange.

    So back to my question... . has anyone ever attempted to share a pet... and does it seem like a recipe for disaster ? Or could it possibly be a way for us to work on our relationship while not being together... . ?

[Turkish]

Hmm, JS0811. I can see where that is something like sharing a child. It sounds like a way to keep you in his life, the dog being the attachment. The hints about spending time together certainly seem to indicate that. Do you think it is possible for you to be something like friends with him after this? Dogs are people too, as dog lovers say, but in reality, the dog is not. If you think the dog would be better with you for your own health and stability, then maybe it would be better to keep your pet and for get about him. He made his choice. What does your gut tell you?

[NorthernGirl]

My DH and his ex have three children. When they separated, DH's ex kept the dog. I don't think she was very good at looking after the dog, so often one of the kids would bring it along to DH's place. Then the dog did something wrong (threw up on the carpet, I think) and DH's ex returned the dog to the breeder. The kids said their mom told them there was something wrong with the dog, that it kept doing "bad" things. It cowered a lot and was extremely jumpy. I read somewhere that a dysfunctional pet is likely the sign of a dysfunctional home environment, and so that may have been the situation. The kids told me they thought the dog was a "bad breed" but my sister had the exact same breed and it was an excellent dog. I would guess the problem was with how the dog was treated.

Later, DH's ex bought a kitten for the youngest son. I suspect this may have been a "reward" for the youngest, and a punishment for the middle son -- who is allergic to cats and who had just moved out from living with his mom a week before. The youngest begged his Dad that he wanted to bring the kitten every time he came to his house, but DH is also allergic to cats, so he said no. A month later the cat was returned to the pet store. DH's ex tried one more kitten a few months later, and again it was returned because there was "something wrong with it."

It was heartbreaking for the kids to have the pets come in and out of their lives. And it wasn't so good for the pets either! I don't know how your ex is with pets, but if you had any concern over the treatment of your pet, I would suggest you don't share possession.

DH's ex has always used the kids as a way to create drama with DH. He has learned to keep his interaction with his ex at a minimum but it is hard work. I can't imagine him wanting any reason to interact with his ex other than when he absolutely must. It sounds like you are not in the same place and you still want interaction with your ex, so I can't answer how this might help or hurt your relationship.

I hope you can figure out what is best for your own health and stability, as Turkish says. 

[Nope]

All sharing a pet with a person with BPD is going to do is create drama. Go look at all the stuff BPDs do in the posts about kids and apply those behaviors to your situation and that is what you get.

If you want the dog, pull together any evidence you have that you've paid for the dogs care. Vet records, food receipts, whatever. Then tell him you are taking a walk with the dog and just don't go back.

If you think you can live without the dog then make a clean break. But one way or the other you need to be sure that the relationship is really over before you do anything because the long term consequences need to be something you can live with.

[PleaseValidate]

I agree 100% w Nope. And yes, i do think this is some form of manipulation by him.

I was in an LTR w a non-BPD and was in love with his dog too. It would never have even occurred to me that when we separated, i could get "visiting rights." No matter how much i loved the dog, i felt the boundary there was implied.

(Such a great dog. I still miss him.  :'( )

[JS0811]

Thank you for all the feedback!

   Ok so little update... . Yesterday while I was at work my ex calls me to tell me that he thinks our dog had a seizure... and asks if after work I can go pick up our dog since he won't be home. He then sends me a few txts about our dog and tells me he appreciates me picking him up. Of course I love our dog so I went to get him and then around 10 at night he calls me again to tell me I can bring our dog back to his house because he is home from work. Before he hangs up he tells me " thanks, you're a good mama!". Which was a sweet thing to say, so already it seems he has switched his view of me . When i got to his house he kept looking at me with this look of regret and sadness. Im going over to pick up our dog again tonight and im going to try to work up the courage to tell him i cannot continue to share custody of our dog, its just too confusing. I am really scared , but all of your words of encouragement have really helped!

[momtara]

Does your dog have seizures?  Is he lying to scare you and keep you engaged with him?

Do you think he would ever hurt the dog to get back at you?

Is sharing the dog helping you stay attached to him and maintain hope, or is it causing you grief?

If you adopted the dog, it's your dog.  But you also seem to hope that the relationship continues, so it seems you are sharing the dog in order to a) keep hope alive and b) not piss him off.  It's okay - I've been there, and as long as the dog isn't in danger, you can do this for a while until the answer presents itself. 

If the dog is in danger, that's another story, but anyway.

Yes, it does seem like a way for him to keep you a bit tehtered to him in case he wants to recycle you.  And maybe you go along with it because you have hope, too.  Which is your right.

You have a right to be emotionally confused right now and if you are fine with the situation (dysfunctional as it is), go ahead and do it.  I think you know that it may not stay this way.  He may really break it off, or may get back together again. 

[Free One]

All sharing a pet with a person with BPD is going to do is create drama. Go look at all the stuff BPDs do in the posts about kids and apply those behaviors to your situation and that is what you get.

If you want the dog, pull together any evidence you have that you've paid for the dogs care. Vet records, food receipts, whatever. Then tell him you are taking a walk with the dog and just don't go back.

If you think you can live without the dog then make a clean break. But one way or the other you need to be sure that the relationship is really over before you do anything because the long term consequences need to be something you can live with.

I agree completely with Nope.

I share "custody" of my dog with my ex. I do this only because we also share a child and the dog goes overnight to ex's with the child 6 nights a month (we agreed the dog "belongs" to son; it also brings son comfort to have one constant between houses).

It has added a lot of headaches and creates more interaction with ex that I would prefer not to have (like having to drop off dog at ex's house for the weekend; if we didn't share dog, son would just go after school and there would be no interaction or at times when dog has gotten out of yard and was missing for a few days). I pay all the vet care costs; I asked ex to share the costs and he has not ever chipped in.

I love my dog very much and if we did not share a child, I would have done as Nope suggested, made a decision to either keep the dog or give it up and gone 100% no contact. A pwBPD will use any connection to keep you hooked.

Side note, ex quickly got another dog too. I see it as a "replacement" dog. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't.