Should I be worried?

[seh77]

Ok, my dBPDgf just asked last night if she could visit with her X when she goes away for her buisness.  I'm not really sure how to take it.   She wanted to see what I would say.  I only asked why does she want to talk to her?  Which she said she really didn't know.  That she once had really intense feelings for her and now considers her a friend.  She even admitted that if something happened to her and she passed she would be upset.  The dated 5 years ago.  I am wondering if she was testing me. 

I told her that I don't mind at all if she meets her for lunch.  But she kept on talking about it.  I really don't know what she was fishing for.  She has cheeted on previous relationships and she does have a HUGE tendency to lie about things.  So I am just wondering what she is really up too. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Love Is Not Enough]

Yes, unfortunately I think you should be. You are in a tough spot and this will drive you crazy. I am sorry you are going through this. I have made a lot of progress with ruminating about things, but one still will not let go of my mind. My gf's connection to her exNPDbf from 8! years ago.  I just realized their break up date passed a couple of weeks ago. How idiotic is it that I know that? He will always have some sort of weird control over her. I have come to terms with it mostly through detachment. My gf also did not know why she went to see him behind my back over a year ago now. I guess you can see I'm still not over it. I think I posted something to you before about this. Anyway, I have thought about (and researched) this a lot and here are the main reasons possibly unknown even to them:

1. Wanting to test the waters for a possible recycle.

2. Curiosity

3. Worried about the status of the current RS and keeping a backup on the back burner.

4. Closure - This is the one my gf finally settled on, which I don't believe.

5. To rub their new relationship in their ex's face.

I do not see any good reason for them to meet with an ex. I do not want to meet with any of my exes so I guess I do not understand it. I am impressed that you said a lunch was ok. I think it is possible she is feeling guilty about it and that's why she is talking to you so much about it. She may not have plans for things to go further, but you know how their impulse control issues can be. The only reason I am still with my gf is because I am fairly certain she had her children with her when she visited him at his work. Which is funny because that made me as angry as if she had slept with him. Because she had told me prior she "would never let that psycho be around her kids". Yeah right. Just one more lie on an endless list... .

[Grey Kitty]

Well... . you could try the direct approach:

"You are talking a lot about your potential visit with (ex). It sounds like it is important to you. Can you tell me what you are thinking or feeling?"

[In_n_Out]

+1 to Grey Kitties approach.  It's validating while asking the right question in a non-accusatory manner.

[Grey Kitty]

Oh yeah... . one other thought for you, seh77:

You sound concerned that she is going to be unfaithful to you, or do something inappropriate. I just wanted to add that your concern is very valid. When I suggested this, I wasn't trying to steer you away from your concerns.

This sort of question doesn't really reflect the concern... . but it stands a decent chance to bring up more information about your concern... . and since an interest in what your partner is thinking is validating (as opposed to an accusation which is invalidating), it should help your r/s whatever the outcome/answer is.

And that is what we're trying to do here--trying to do things on our part to make our r/s work better!

[seh77]

All,

I asked her why this was so important to her and she couldn't give me an answer.  She said she didn't know why.  I asked what was she planning on getting from the visit with the X and she couldn't answer that either.  She said she honestly didn't know.  Then she dropped the conversation.  But I know she talks to her X on a more frequent basis than she told me.  I asked her who was keeping up the contact.  And she said it was both ways.  She actually defended her when I told her my honest opinion of her X whom kicked her out of their home on New Years eve. 

I am just confused and concerned that she is wanting to rekindle(?) their friendship / r/s.

[Love Is Not Enough]

She actually defended her when I told her my honest opinion of her X whom kicked her out of their home on New Years eve.

That is the worst part of all. The ONE and ONLY time she has ever physically attacked me was over something I said about her ex. I will never understand the hold he has over her.

Consider setting a boundary about this.

Lets flip the coin. How would she feel about you being in contact with an ex and having lunch with them?

My gf would probably attack me again.

[bruceli]

Ok, my dBPDgf just asked last night if she could visit with her X when she goes away for her buisness.  I'm not really sure how to take it.   She wanted to see what I would say.  I only asked why does she want to talk to her?  Which she said she really didn't know.  That she once had really intense feelings for her and now considers her a friend.  She even admitted that if something happened to her and she passed she would be upset.  The dated 5 years ago.  I am wondering if she was testing me. 

I told her that I don't mind at all if she meets her for lunch.  But she kept on talking about it.  I really don't know what she was fishing for.  She has cheeted on previous relationships and she does have a HUGE tendency to lie about things.  So I am just wondering what she is really up too. 

The patented PD answer.

Prior behavior usually predicts future and current behavior.

What does your gut and intuition tell you?

[Grey Kitty]

Well, that muddies the waters nicely!

My initial inclination would be to believe that she doesn't know quite where this might take her. Do you find her to be credible here? You say she has a huge tendency to lie about things. Does she normally do this convincingly, or do you have a pretty good idea that she is lying when she does it?

Here is an option for you to consider... . and this is a general r/s suggestion, not a pwBPD tools based suggestion:

Tell her that you respect her desire to have a friendship with her ex.

Tell her that you aren't OK with her rekindling her r/s with her ex (i.e. cheating).

Then ASK her what the line between those two is, and how she will stay on the safe side of it.

Just let her think about it and talk about it--don't interrogate her or anything.