BPD wife and her hypochondria

[Mike_confused]

My wife is, I suspect, diagnosed by her therapist as BPD.  I also suspect that her therapist may not have yet informed her of that.  The T did tell my BPDw that she believes my wife's sister is BPD.  That is the background.

Here is the latest struggle:  her hypochondria is slowly killing me.   When I met my BPDw, she was vibrant and physically active.   She remained that way all through our courtship/dating.  We took long hikes, climbed high mountains, etc.  She did not have the best health insurance back then.  We marry and she joins my very good health insurance plan, a premium plan. We have been married about 4 years.

Since that time, she is no longer active.  She is on at least a half dozen prescriptions.  She was at one time on Cymbalta which made her violent and psychotic (in my opinion).   She has either convinced herself, or been diagnosed as having fibromyalgia, Renauds, and Becehets (sp?) by convincing her doctors.   She has also had her gall bladder removed, and has had lower back surgery.   This took place within at most two years.  The Becehets diagnosis followed successful back surgery.

I have heard the for some with BPD, a major case of hypochondria may also be present.   It is killing me, or at least exhausting me severely.  I truly sense that my BPDw does not WANT to be healthy, even though she certainly looks it.  Because of her behavior in this area, I now avoid any discussion of any aches and pains I have as well as any sickness.    I did have the flu a month ago, and had to stay away from her at our camp.  She did not want to be around me and certainly showed no interest in caring for me.   None whatsoever.

I did see a doctor for sciatica that has been chronic, and I was subsequently told I have a herniated lowed disk.  No surprise really.   However, she accused me of attempting to compete with her for attention, regardless of the facts before her.

Am I alone in my experiences?

I shudder to think of my life in old age with her.  I had better go quickly.  So much for the "in sickness and in health" clause.

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[woodsposse]

You are not alone.

Although I can't say if your wife has BPD or not - nor do I think anyone here can as well, I can share with you my story (well part of it) in hope you at least know you are not alone.

I have lived the past (almost) 20 years with a woman who got injured in her early 20's and we have been having tons and tons of issues surrounding that.  It made her unable to work, initially, but the bigger picture is even when she was able to work, she really didn't want to - I "forced her" to... . and I'm sure she resented me for that.

When we were living together and she got injured, it was okay for her to be home (I made pretty good money at the time), but she would complain about nothing to do - so I'm all like... . get a job.  She didn't want to get a job. 

Even when the economy started to dip and I wasn't making as much money as before, she still wouldn't get a job.  Said it was her injury and all the issues that came with it which prevented her from going back to work.

But wouldn't you know it - when she wants to get out of the r/s and go to a replacement... . oh, she could some how find the strength to do the work needed (like the doctors had been telling her for years) to put her body back in shape... . she goes out and gets a job... . can walk better than she ever had - even run and do pushups and jumping jacks.

I damn near had to carry her from room to room because she couldn't walk - but now she can run?

Needless to say when she went back to work, she found my replacement pretty much right away - drug me through hell in the process... . we finally split up... . he dumps her, she tries to come back to me - I already moved on... . she goes back to him... . they break up... . she finds another replacement - he gets her pregnant, now they live together with the babies.

That poor man has no idea what he just signed on for.

So... . maybe now is a great time to do a personal inventory.  For me... . and this is just me... . I couldn't leave and I didn't want to - I just wanted it to get better, but it was never going to get better.  I have come to realize that I didn't know who she was - and it is difficult to know who she is now because she lives behind all the lies.

But, again, that's just me.

I'm sure you will find the stable ground you need and want to be on.  Being here at this site is a great place to start

[Mike_confused]

Ouch.  As for my BPDw... . I am beyond certain that she is BPD.   I also have an excellent, high paying career.  As soon as we married she "lost" her job and did nothing but complain for three years about her health.  Now, and since I paid for re-education in a new field, she is working again.   Working again but complaining everyday how her body cannot handle the stress of an office job.

She certainly couldn't be a longshoreman so I am not sure how to respond to these claims she makes.   So I don't.

[Calm Waters]

my ex BPDgf seemed to get strange aches and pains including allegedly migraine. However a migraine never stopped her wanting sex, which in my experience of other friends would be the last thing a migraine sufferer would want during an episode. So with hind sight I think the migraines, aches and pains lack of energy etc were at best a form of somatised illness, ie repressed emotions driving illness, or at worst a form of manipulation to gain attention sympathy and power. This sort of behaviour seems to be common, however of course given BPD's are so shut off from their ' issues' maybe the illnesses can also be genuine somatisation

[Mike_confused]

My BPD wife also gets migraines like I have never heard anyone else ever describe.   And, she still wants sex during them.  I am not sure whether her illnesses, aches and pains are the result of the stress she feels from repressed emotions, or more likely, a manipulative behavior to gather attention from EVERYONE.

[123Phoebe]

I shudder to think of my life in old age with her.  I had better go quickly.  So much for the "in sickness and in health" clause.

She certainly couldn't be a longshoreman so I am not sure how to respond to these claims she makes.

  Your sense of humor is awesome, Mike

Have you talked with real interest about how her day went?  I obviously can't read her mind, but she might feel better knowing that her work is appreciated and acknowledged; like she's contributing something meaningful.

Sorry to hear about your illness and conditions   The flu and sciatica, have had bouts of both and they are no fun at all, blah.

Oh, and Raynaud's too   For real!

[hergestridge]

I work in the health care sector and I have seen many people that have sought validation considering their various health problems become obsessed with their problems after having been (as they see it) brushed aside by doctors or paramedics when they have sought explanations and validation.

I don't know if these are borderline people, but I know that by BPD wife is one of them and several other BPD people I have met has had the same issue.

A little something about rehabilitation that I apply in my work:

When you receive a diagnosis you go through a period of thinking a lot about your problem and being affected a lot by it. Then you have to put it aside and adapt your everyday life to it. You will start to think less and less about your illness and it becomes a part of your daily routine. Initially you will feel sorry for your self and grieve. Then you will sort of "let go". A person with a personality disorder may find "letting go" a very provocative concept, so you either stick to the "acute" phase of the illness or you find yourself a new diagnosis so you can start all over.

[Louise7777]

Mike, I know what you are going through. I have 2 uBPD relatives in their 80´s. They are healthy (age considered) and have always been hypocondriac. They go to lots of doctors, take pills, are tested, have phisio, etc. Also, if any other person has something, the usual response is "ah this is nothing, I had something much worse... . " and then turn the conversation to themselves. No empathy whatsoever. Others cant get sick, sickness is their monopoly. How dare you get sick!

Its my understanding they do it for attention. From family, friends, medical staff. Thats their histrionic side: always the center of attention. Also, serves them as a free pass: Im sick, I can do (or behave) whatever I want. And they avoid doing things cause they are sick. So, nothing to loose by being sick, just to gain... . Its a no-win situation for us, though: if you refuse being abused "you are cold and uncaring, cause Im sick!".

Everytime I talked to them, I had to listen to all their diseases. If it was face-to-face, theyd throw at my lap test results and medicines for me to check... . It just stopped when I stopped listening and providing attention. I changed the subject to something completely different and refused to read the tests results. Yep, I behaved just like them, no empathy! Needless to say they didnt like it at all... . One got used to it, but the other would strangle me if she could. 

Of course your situation is different than mine, you have to deal with this on a daily basis. Regarding your old age, I have witnessed they resent when their partners get sick, even in old age. They cant take care of anybody, but always expected to be cared for... .

[mywifecrazy]

My BPD wife also gets migraines like I have never heard anyone else ever describe.   And, she still wants sex during them.  I am not sure whether her illnesses, aches and pains are the result of the stress she feels from repressed emotions, or more likely, a manipulative behavior to gather attention from EVERYONE.

My uBPDxw would also get (or fake) getting migraines like you wouldn't believe. A good many of them HAD to be real or she missed her calling and should have been in acting as she would without a doubt have won a couple of Oscars!  I do know FOR A FACT that she faked migraines to get out of things and as cover to have affairs. She faked migraines to get out of family trips and company picnics. I know this because I unlocked her cell phone records and they revealed that she was texting and calling her lover as soon as I left the house with my sons when she was minutes before in bed dead to the world... . " And the Oscar gooes to".

I also remember taking her to the hospital on two different occasions that they ran all kinds of tests and found nothing wrong with her.

[Mike_confused]

123Phoebe,

Yes, I actually talk with interest to her about her new career daily.  For several hours daily.   We talk about that constantly.   When we are done talking about that we talk about how she is feeling.  It is constant.

I enjoy talking about her day and her career... . generally.  The problem is that is the only topic she wants to discuss.  If I switch topics at any point to anything about myself she accuses me of narcissism, and reminds me that "not everything is about Mike".   That comment is so infuriating because in fact, nothing is really about Mike as long as he - as long as I am doing my job.  That job is continuing to provide for her (she is a new start-up realtor, so not much income yet), doing all the house maintenance, cooking and spending time with her doing what she wants.

SO I have stopped talking about myself.   Ironically, she now accuses me of being closed off.

No kidding.

[woodsposse]

123Phoebe,

Yes, I actually talk with interest to her about her new career daily.  For several hours daily.   We talk about that constantly.   When we are done talking about that we talk about how she is feeling.  It is constant.

I enjoy talking about her day and her career... . generally.  The problem is that is the only topic she wants to discuss.  If I switch topics at any point to anything about myself she accuses me of narcissism, and reminds me that "not everything is about Mike".   That comment is so infuriating because in fact, nothing is really about Mike as long as he - as long as I am doing my job.  That job is continuing to provide for her (she is a new start-up realtor, so not much income yet), doing all the house maintenance, cooking and spending time with her doing what she wants.

SO I have stopped talking about myself.   Ironically, she now accuses me of being closed off.

No kidding.

That paradox is crazy making behavior.  I lived it ... . in spades.

It is truly a no-win situation.

I'm finally learning that that behavior isn't right, healthy or good for my wellness.  I have lived it my entire life and wont do it again. Not with friends, family, or s/o.  If they don't like it - tough.

That's just me though.

[Mike_confused]

When my BPD wife becomes so self obsessed that it is impossible to stand her - I get some distance for a few days at our second home.   She will generally begin to back off her obsession when she starts to feel insecure.  At that point she becomes sweet and tries to win me over again.   Everytime.   It is so predictable.

I am happy in one sense that I have a method and the means to extract myself from the craziness until she comes around.   The problem is that my BPDw always cycles back the other way sooner or later.     And I extract myself again.

I want peace and stability. I don't see how I will have any with her.

[woodsposse]

Mike, I totally feel you and understand where you are.

I, personally, don't know what to say.  All I can do is share my story and hopefully you know you are not alone.

I was there.  for almost 20 years.  It tore me up and I thought it was normal.

Now that I'm out... . regardless of how it happened... . im much better being stable.

There is stability  and it stars with you.

This is not to say or suggest to leave.  I wouldn't even suggest it.  but for me... . I had to.

And I hated it.  part of me still does.  Part of me still wants to be in the mess.  I "loved her that much". 

But that is the part which kept me in an unstable house.  And I deserve better.

I know that.  I trust that.  I'm not meant to be in such misery - especially  at the hand of something or someone which doesn't make sense.

[waverider]

I have an extreme case of this. Partly it is extreme copping out excuse making, part self medicating herself away from the real world. This has set in as normal behavior and she no longer knows or feels safe being healthy.

This creates a lot of prescription overdosing, treating med side effects with more meds. habitual lying/acting up to medical profession so she no longer knows how to be honest.

The worst thing it has then led on to real genuine ailments as consequecies.

On the top of this she is now going through advanced breast cancer treatment, and most of her family support is absent due to years of cry wolf behavior. Her own milking it rather than fighting it attitude I am sure is limiting her chances of the best outcome.

It is so draining and I end up feeling like I am constantly under seige. Rather than being able to offer appropriate support I have to constantly have to filter the real from the imaginary.

I no longer remember the last time she went to bed because it was that time of night, it is always a process of building ailments to the point she is so sick she has to go to bed. This is every night.

All you can do is look after yourself and not allow it to make your own life totally dysfunctional. It totally sabotages their life, make sure you are not collateral damage.