asking BPD to get help

[martillo]

UBPDh (also alcoholic) behavior has gotten to a point where I feel the need to ask him to get help and until he gets help he needs to leave the home or I will take the kids and leave.  Any suggestions?  He is full of anger and bitterness and he will not leave willingly.  I currently do not have a place to go, but I can't let things continue the way they are.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[MissyM]

I am sorry, I am also married to a dBPD addict.  Have you gone to Al-Anon?  Is there anyway that there could be an intervention?  Getting the addict into treatment and letting them work on their addiction and mental health at the same time, is the ideal.  That said, you can't force them to go to treatment.  I have left my dBPDh in the past to get him into treatment.  It worked but I stupidly took him back before he had done enough work on himself.  We are currently separated and he is not coming home until there is significant progress on his recovery, and I work extremely hard on my codependency/caretaking and lack of boundaries.  It doesn't always take leaving the addict/BPD but in my case my dBPDh has done some dangerous things and mine and my children's safety is of utmost importance. 

[bruceli]

IME, I have always found that setting up boundaries has always got a pwPD to move in a certain direction.  Mostly leaving.

[martillo]

Thank you , MissyM and Bruceli for your responses.  I was attending AlAnon on a regular basis and it was a big help.  But in the fall, with school back in session all of "my" stuff went by the wayside.  I stopped Alanon and running, both of which cleared the cobwebs from my head.  I know that when I take care of myself, I am better able to deal w H's "stuff" but just feeling so down about it all right now that it is hard to be motivated.

UBPDh is not at a place where I believe that an intervention will be of help. I have told him on numerous occasions that his alcohol use and his temper are out of control and he needs to get help; I have begged him to go to counseling w me (hoping that once he gets started he might recognize his part in the make-up of our relationship). 

He hasn't hit bottom and honestly, I don't know that he ever will - he is so adept at controlling and manipulating, he, at this point, is still able to always have someone pick up for him or after him or scrape up the nastiness he leaves behind. 

My biggest concerns right now are that while his dysregulations are nothing new, he is now confronting and emotionally vomiting on, not only me, but our 2 adult sons (DS 21yo and DS 18yo - also have DS14 and DD11) who still live at home. 

UBPDh knows how to push until there is an explosion - I have told DS21 and DS18 to walk away, don't engage, don't let H push them into a confrontation since they are both legally adults and can get into trouble w the law if they allow him to push them into a physical confrontation. 

I guess I was hoping that someone had those kind, miraculous, magic words that could convince H that the craziness, the chaos, the drama, the madness, the mean-ness has to stop and he has to get help to make it happen... .

UBPDh told me in January that his "done" date was March 1 if I didn't improve our relationship and start being a better wife, etc, etc.  I love him, but wasn't quite as sad bout that as I thought I should have been and obviously, he is still at home... .

[MissyM]

Alanon or Alateen would be great for your kids.  It is absolutely unacceptable that he is treating them that way.  There is no magic pill to fix him but there is a great chapter in Facing Love Addiction about detaching from an addict.  It is basically the 3 gets, Get off the addicts back, get out of their way and get on with your life.  It also talks about the mask of pleasantness.  Just being pleasant around the addict but not enabling them.  I validate his feelings but don't invalidate the invalid, (I am to blame for his unhappiness and addictions is something I absolutely tell him I do not accept responsibility for).  The saying poor me, poor me, pour me a drink is very common with addicts and especially true with BPD addicts.

Take care of yourself and the kids.

[martillo]

Thanks, MissyM... . I did go to Alanon last night and it gave me an immense amount of peace.  I do know that when I take care of myself, it makes it easier to deal w chaos and craziness!  Kids did counseling last summer and I think it gave them some perspective that dad's problems are his own - DS21 was not a big believer in the counselor - he was honest w counselor and stated that dad was responsible for his actions - that his addiction (and craziness) wasn't an excuse for bad behavior.  I have encouraged DS21 to go to Alanon w me (or find his own meeting) but I don't think he is ready.  Our closest Alateen group is about 30 miles away and not convenient - DD11 comes to Alanon meetings w me sometimes - it is a "family group" although she hangs out in another room during the meeting since it is all adults.

Tonight, the "pot boiled over"  UBPDh pushed DS18  too far and DS18 got physical w him.  H "called" cops so I took DS18 to police station and told H to meet us there so he can file his report.  Fortunately, H had not actually called.  The police officer we spoke w was able to talk to DS18 and was very encouraging but straightforward about what could happen to DS18 if charges were ever actually filed.  It has been a bad evening - DS18 is a gentle soul and usually the one who takes up for his dad (although H will paint DS18 black first if he is in that mode) - H has been horribly mean and said many very vile things to DS18 though over the past 3 days.  H left home tonight and texted me he is "done" and will have all his stuff out of the house by Friday - because! of course! all this is somehow my fault      DS18 (rightly so) screamed his frustration at me for not already leaving H and divorcing H and taking his crap while driving to police station.  Now, DS21 is saying we need family counseling and DS21 and H are going to go to anger management classes and DS21 has talked to dad and he is going to make dad go to counseling and we are going to fix all this-I just need to talk to H when he calls and listen and be open and DS18 just needs to apologize and ... . this has really opened my eyes to the dysfunctional-ness of my family.  I told DS21 that for tonight, I am not in a good enough place to talk to H and DS18 isn't in a good enough place to ask for forgiveness.  Told DS18 that he will need to forgive his dad and be willing to ask for forgiveness because forgiveness is not really for the other person - it is for you own peace of mind (yes, I needed to hear it myself!).  Told DS21 I wasn't trying to shoot down his plan, but have asked H to get help many, many times and it has never happened so I am not too encouraged that it will happen. 

UBPDh asked me once a long time ago what I always wanted to be - I told him the only thing I can remember always wanting to be is a mom - that became one of his verbal "torture" tools - letting me know what a horrible mom I am whenever he needs to emotionally dump - today - I feel like I am and have been a horrible mom... . how and why have I let things get to this point?

Sorry for the length and vent.  I doubt that H will follow through w plans to be "done" but I, at this point, have to make sure that my (even the adult) kids feel and are safe in their home.  (I did look at a couple of rentals today in case H won't leave and kids and I have to)