Is anyone in a relationship with someone with BPD actually HAPPY?

[justanotherguy25]

I can remember a time in the first year that I was with my BPDgf that I was actually happy.  Once that initial lust wore off things went directly downhill.   I am just wondering, is anyone here truly happy with the person that they are with?  Is this one of those situations that you might be sticking around because of kids? or marriage?   Is it even possible to be happy with someone like this?

I know that every situation is different, but do WE not deserve to be happy?  Why are we the ones that are always sacrificing everything to make someone else happy?

I just want each and every single one of you to know and remember this .  YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.  We are not on this great earth for a long time at all.  Enjoy it while you are here, make the best of it.  At some point it is ok to be selfish and think about yourself.  Find your inner peace.

I wish you all nothing but the very best and I hope that every single one of you finds whatever it is that you are looking for.

much love.

JAG

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[goldylamont]

i am no longer in a r/s with my BPDx but just wanted to hear other's experience and if they are happy also. a very good question jog25

[itgirl]

I am very happy with my uBPDso.  We have our issues but most relationships do.  I have learned quite a lot about myself since being in this relationship and have made me a better person.  If I wasn't happy for a long time and was with a pwBPD that showed no signs of a happy ever after I would certainly leave.  That being said there are no kids and I do not plan on marrying anytime soon.

[Ihope2]

At almost 45 years of age this year, all I can say is that I have felt relatively content in my life, and I have had long periods of being on my own.  I have had a few dysfunctional relationships, where I certainly was not content or happy.

In my periods of alone-ness, although I was content with my lot in life,  I was very lonely and life was empty.  I was certainly not happy and fulfilled.

Now I am married to what has turned out to be a man with BPD, and by no means has it been a happy 10 months so far.  My state of contentment has also disappeared very quickly!

But, amidst all the pain and confusion, I have had a strange and new feeling:  one of slowly awakening to myself and who I really am as a person.  And that I have great empathy and understanding and that this is good, but I cannot make it my sole purpose in life to rescue my troubled husband.

So I am in a confused, painful place right now, but I am hoping the awakening can lead me to making constructive choices that lead to better things.

Anyone in a longer term relationship with someone who is emotionally dysregulated and unable to contain themselves, is probably not happy.  I can just hope that there can be learnings and personal growth for both partners to reduce the levels of distress for both.

[PeppermintTea]

Hi all,

I am now happy in my marriage to my dBPDh. We have been together for 7 years and have 2 small children. I am 32 and my husband is 42.

I am happy now but I have been through periods (2011 and 2012 especially) where I was absolutely miserable and seriously looking at ending the relationship and contemplating single parenthood as a much happier and easier option than what I had at that time.

I am glad that I stuck with my marriage and I am proud of my husband for how far he has come since the end of 2012. It is a slow process. He is much better than he was at modifying his thoughts and behaviour. I am also much more self aware and able to validate better.

I don't feel as though I am walking on eggshells anymore or that I am sacrificing anything and there have been periods where I have felt like that. My marriage is not what I had dreamed of or idolised in my head at the beginning but what I do have in reality is now very good and I feel happy and content as well as secure in the knowledge that we can work as a team and we can manage difficulties.

I think each person with BPD is individual. My husband happens to be very motivated towards therapy and change now which makes things much much easier. He now views his BPD as a part of himself that he wants to learn about, understand and work towards managing and changing it. He was in denial for several years and that made it really hard - those were the years when I planned separation and divorce. I am happy that I didn't carry out those plans and gave my husband a chance to show me he could grow and that we could grow into our marriage.

I was very worried about our young children and this was the catalyst for change really. I made clear the behaviours that were damaging to them and me and told my husband that if he carried on those behaviours I would leave him. I told him I would support him to learn about himself and to learn new ways to think and behave but he would have to do the work and if he didn't we couldn't be a family anymore.

He went through a nasty extinction burst then happily saw what I was getting at and we have had a mostly great 18 months since then. With of course periods of BPD probs but nothing really bad and we have managed to work through them together. He often now tells me how he loves our family and me and he shares with me his therapy and processes he goes through.

I have had therapy myself to help me let go of the resentment I was feeling and the anger adn I am happy to say that I feel much better for it.

I think BPD people are individuals like the rest of us and their attitude to their BPD issues and therapy and relationships in general is a huge factor. Also our own ('non' attitudes and approaches are a massive influence on our happiness. I am much happier since I started practising radical acceptance - it has altered my attitude.

I hope this is of use?

PT x

[Aundrea]

How many people without BPD partners can say they are truly happy?

My point is happiness comes from internal sources. My life is a lot different than I aspired it to be as a child, but so is most peoples. I think this journey had taught me more about my self than I would have in a relationship with someone without this condition... . Radical acceptance, unconditional love, valuing and empathy most people don't Come close to ever understanding - I am not there yet but man are my eyes opened.

I see my life as a journey of learning, of adapting of giving and love.

I'm only 32 but we have been together 14 yrs this year, have 2 beautiful and wonderful children and have built a life and home together. Every night I hug up to him, show my content and tell him 'even though you s**t me to tears, I love you' overall I'm happy and hey he thinks his perfect and atm doesn't believe he has to change

[FigureIt]

This is a good question and I have been wondering it too... .

I think as an individual you can be happy, but if you are with someone who has BPD you are not in a shared happiness. 

I find that my uBPD SO is very selfish.  There is no give for me.  And when I do things by myself or for myself it is taken as not being there for him.  Or I'm being selfish, etc.  There is expected to be sacrifice and ultimate giving on my part, but not on his.  Or only when it suits him.

[MyGreatEscape]

I'd like to chime in here... .

I have always been a pretty dang happy person... . I mentioned on another board that I am that annoying person who gets distracted by sparkles, butterflies... . life. I can be having a ho-hum or even crappy day and then hear a stupid song on the Lowe's Dept. Store speaker and sing out loud to it, giddy. Things don't keep me down, or not for long.  I watched most of my family die within a 5 year span... . my Mom, dad, all grandparents, a beloved aunt... . then I was diagnosed with cancer... . all by the time I was 32. Somehow, I came through ALL of that, still laughing and smiling... .

But... . being with my BPD husband took its toll on me... . I became dull and unlike myself for quite a few months recently. We all know how exhausting this process is. I can say right now, from experience, that dealing with BPD is THE WORST thing to ever happen in my life... . and I have clearly dealt with enough!

That said... . I am still happy. I don't like this, I hate this illness, and some days I feel like maybe I hate HIM... . but I know I don't. He's ill. Infuriating. Suffering. Lost. But I love him, unconditionally. Even if we ended our relationship... . I would still love him. Yeah, I'm human, so I won't lie and say I don't relish him getting a little taste of his own medicine now and again... . but I know he is not equipped to deal with what I have. He's not strong like I am, so I believe I was put here for a reason... . and that keeps me going. Not God... . just fate. I believe things happen for a reason... and I am happy and re-committed to staying that way... . not letting HIM or this horrific "illness" take MY happiness.

My husband and I ARE happy... . we have fantastic days and have a great connection... . then BPD creeps in and steals it again. That is what I have had to come to grips with. The good days keep me going. In my case, he CAN be my fantasy husband... . it just sadly doesn't last long. If there were NO good days, none of us would be on this board, right? Something about them keeps us hoping... .

We do all deserve to be happy... . and it's up to us to make that decision. Rages aside, we can still be happy. If that means leaving, then that's what we have to do. We deserve happiness, however we can find it... . but it is within US to take that step... . they can't force us to give away our happiness. I LET him do that for a short period of time and feel pretty stupid that I did. I knew better.

[Hope26]

I think that happiness is a relative thing, definitely not a constant thing, especially for those of us in these relationships.  However, as several of you have also said, I love my uBPDh unconditionally.  When he is good, he is very, very good and I feel loved by him because he is at those times kind and does so much for me.  So I would have to say I am happy more than 50% of the time, which is more than I can say for my first marriage which was not to a pwBPD.  I came on this site and this board looking for help with the 'episodes', aka 'raging' and general dysregulation, when he becomes that 'other person' and turns mean and angry.  I have found help here with the episodes, and also learned so much about how the illness impacts other areas of his and our lives.  I also realize more than ever how much our FOO's influence our later relationships throughout life.  If we grew up with dysfunction, we seem to continue to draw it to us, and need to do lots of work on ourselves as well.  Life seems to be a continuous series of opportunities for growth!

[Lilibeth]

The positive-ness running through this site is amazing. Thank you all for sharing and clearing my head... .

[lemon flower]

people find happiness in their life when they can live to their own values, have people around them who they love and can feel safe in their own home/personal space no matter how big or how small that space has to be.

I am no longer together with my UBPDbf because he took away my sense of safety in my own house and because I had the feeling I couldn't lead the life that's meant for me

none of that had anything to do with a lack of love, I still love him and I try to be there for him, if I would have been another type of women, who was less independent and needed less personal space and time I'd probably still be with him.

personal happiness shouldn't be defined only by your romantic relationship, otherwise most non-BPD- relationships would fail too... .

[hergestridge]

Me and my wife has been together for 20 years and from time to time I have been happy. Sometimes the arrangements and agreements have worked. Regular habits and scheduled activities (hobbies, excercies etc) has been a key factor.

However - and I'm not making this up - whenever this has been going on for more than two or three months at a time my wife wreaks havoc and starts questioning my motifs of staying with her and she starts become confrontative towards me. After such a "war" period I lose my motivation to keep up all the positive habits and the happiness fades away. I'm not made of steel. It's been a roller coaster.

We had daughter four years ago. I was reluctant to have a kid at all. My wife was undiagnosed at the time, she just had been treated for depression a couple of times so noone knew of her BPD. I told her that we can only have a child if she quits the bi-monthly fighting and confrontations (what I actually hoped was that she would be wise enough not to have kids). She told me that would not be a problem. I was an idiot of course, because two months after the baby was born the fghting began and it has just escalated since. A BPD diagnosis and medication (lithium+seroquel) has helped mariginally. I don't dare bring up the subject of divorce because she's in no state to handle a child on her own half-time, but I know that is what she would demand.

She's not being honest with her therapist, with her doctor or with me. She's not even being honest with herself. She lies just to get her out of trouble, so she gets into trouble. She agrees to follow plans, but when she gets out the door she says she was forced to sign up. When I get home from work I have no idea how she feels, or who she is today. I'm worried sick about our future.

Am I happy? No. I can't be happy alone with an unhappy, unpredictable person circling around you 24/7 and with a child to worry for. The little time you get for yourself is for debriefing and just summing up what's happened.

I can be happy with people I trust. I'm happy when I'm alone with my daughter, or when I take my daughter to visit my parents (who I trust). 

[waverider]

I have had previous RS's that have decayed into horrible situations, nothing to do with PDs. I had no tools, insights or character to save those.

This RS was turning into a horror show. Since arriving here and learning to fix me and how to interact with a pwBPD, and learn what is really important and what is just superficial or short sighted tit for tat, that has turned around. My partner is no less BPD, but I have learned to not let it totally consume me.

I have seen where I was wasting my life, I was allowing to slip away. Now I am enjoying rebuilding it to a better level of contentment than it ever was at any stage of my life. It is not a completed task, but the path is clear. That gives me a new found enthusiasm.

My partners continuing BPD and health issues are a continuing challenge and source of frustration, but they are now a distracting side show rather than the whole consuming force it was. Similarly in the past RS's I was too busy blaming my partners for my lack of drive/accomplishments and general life skills.

So to answer the question, life is rarely a Utopia but a combination of good, bad and ugly. Now I have learned better ways of building the good and minimizing the bad and just accepting and dealing with the ugly as part of the equation.

BPD may be ugly, but there are many, many ugly aspects of seemingly "normal" relationships. Its just that BPD is a particularly confusing one to deal with so we drown in it out of ignorance. We can address that ignorance, so we do have a light at the end of the tunnel. We can make ourselves happy, even if that means being on our own at the end of the journey. We can't force anyone to make that journey with us.

The purpose of the Straying Board is to teach us these skills while we are in the RS, it is not a binding contract that you must stay. It is a commitment to trying so that learning is most effective. If at the end of the day it becomes untenable you will leave knowing yourself and the reasons why it failed far better. Resentment will be less. The Coping and Healing Boards are full of those who are trying to understand AFTER the event. This is much harder and leads to a greater bitterness, with too many "what ifs".

Drink in the validation you find here and concentrate on building a better you, this will have a flow on effect on your life as a whole not just your RS, that is just a component of it.

Don't despair you have the the opportunity to love yourself in a healthy and balanced way.

You are here, that is a sure sign of a trier not a runner. Build on that

[Lilibeth]

Thank you for your wisdom, Waverider. Thank you so much... .

Every time i come here, i learn so much and though there are times when i forget and find myself slipping back into total despair, i come here for validation of me.

[empathic]

The situation feels more under control these days, but I'm expecting it to blow up anytime, so most of the time I don't really feel happy. I would be happier if I could trust my partner to be consistent. It's like stepping off the rollercoaster, you steel feel dizzy (and you could get thrown into it for another round at any time).

Like hergestridge, I'm happy when I'm alone with the kids, or take them to my parents or my sisters place.

I never really thought you could live with someone who you no longer trust to be yourself with.

[yeeter]

I'm not a big fan of this concept that I 'deserve' to be happy. It kinda makes it a self judgmental statement, which has a flipside of 'not deserving' happiness.

And to be sure, many of us here would be unhappy even if not in a BPD relationship. Some other reason or focal point

I used to say 'happiness is a choice'. You can choose to be happy, or not. And can pursue choices that make you more, or less happy

O course it's hard, but there is some element of the concept that is valid in the relationship.  In that it's your choices that defines the success or not. So as you see here often, responsibility to make your own choices is the key.

[misneach]

I agree with Aundrea. Happiness is not dictated by others but by us. I am happy but it has nothing to do with my uBPDh. There are times where he makes me happier and there are times he makes my happiness more difficult but my marriage is not my definition. I tell myself often I am with him... . but I am not him. I do not have to share in the misery he makes of his life. I do not have to constantly see ulterior motives and lies in everything. I validate, I soothe, I direct indirectly, but I never ever join.

[joshbjoshb]

To reply to the original question:

I don't think anyone is happy being in a relationship with a BPD spouse. If we had the choice, we'd either have them not have BPD, or go back in time and choose someone else... . it's like asking someone if he is happy with an illness they have - except here it's your spouse illness and not yours.

The question in my mind is Can you be happy despite being in a relationship with BPD?

My answer is: it's tough, but it's possible.

I still didn't learn how to. But I know it's because I am not strong, focused enough on my happiness, and letting myself be bothered by all this craziness around me.

[FigureIt]

I've thought about this some more and I don't think it is being "happy".  I think there is a better term somewhere.  Like surviving or fully living.  I don't think when your spouse or SO has BPD that you are fully living and sharing your life with them.  They don't want to be involved in your life, they want your life to revolve around them.  Sometimes they are content to let you exist in your life, but many other times they demand your attention, focus, energy, etc.  Also, I don't think a BPD likes for those around them to be "happy" 

[HopefulDad]

I'm both happier and less happy since I started changing myself.

Old me: Would get dragged into the mud, shout for shout, with my BPDw every time she dysregulated and went off on me.  But I think in a twisted way she preferred this back-and-forth and when we finally kissed and made up, we were in bliss.  Lather, rinse, repeat... . too many times to count.

New me: Hating myself for getting dragged into the mud, I started putting up boundaries.  I stopped JADEing.  I feel so much better about myself... . and my wife HATES it.  While the boundaries put a stop to the screaming, the accusations and judgments now just come at a slightly raised voice and if I put a boundary on that, then the silent treatment comes.  Now I'm "not the person she married" and actually she's right, but not in the way she intended.  I told her that one day and she got mad.

New me is separated from his BPDw.  Old me never was.

[Samuel S.]

I've gone from being extremely happy with my BPDw at first to extremely disappointed, disheartened, abused, depressed, and almost being suicidal, and I am more or less in between those extremes due to this website.

She has decided to be happy pursuing her new career necessitating her being away from here 3 days a week and not being here even when she is around due to studying and working. This is going to be a 4 year plan for her, not alone focusing all of her attention to her new career upon completion of her studies.

There are good points about her, but she told me she is now focusing on herself much more so, which I understand; however, she has gone to the other extreme, which she freely admits.

In the meantime, I am focusing on teaching, tutoring, writing books, giving workshops, and even a screenplay with a high school student. I had done some of these things before this major shift by my BPDw, but since she has opted to be away much more so physically and emotionally, I am happy with what I am able to do professionally. Like a movie in the early 2000s, this is about "as good as it gets".

[ziniztar]

I feel the happiest when doing things that define me, like going away with my stepmom, having dinner with friends, accomplishing stuff at work, going to the gym when I thought I didn't have it in me. I feel happy when I can grow. That can happen in many ways, my relationship with my dBPDbf is one of them. Do I feel alone when he is ignoring me? Yes. Am I afraid I haven't seen the worst of him yet? Yes. Am I adiment and therefor hopeful that I am in charge of my own life, decisions, behaviour and responses to my dBPDbf? Yes!

Most of the stuff I am working on are things that I should have worked on anyways, whether being in a relationship with a pwBPD or not. I see the additional effect on us/him as a side-bonus. On neutral to good days he is the sweetest guy I could wish for. We share the same interests, humor, music, like each others' friends. He is dedicated to his therapy, which is my biggest reason to stay. I need long term growth and progress to feel happy... so yes I am happy, with a some uncertainty to what is yet to come.