How to handle it?

[Aundrea]

I've gone through all the lessons and I don't think I'm connecting the dots with this situation.

My BPD partner of 14 yrs is very particular about 'his possessions' and eventually I won't be on the ball and put an item back and the verbal abuse starts, he berates me like a child (last instance was in public), he demands a solution and when I come up with I'll focus more on remembering, it's not good enough, tells me we have done this a million times that it keeps happening and then he hints at separation.

I can understand how he feels, I get annoyed when my things are used and not put back. He doesn't clean up after himself and I do everything- we have 2 kids so I'm use to putting their possessions (his) and my things others have used, back a million times a day. However the anger he feels towards it is very excessive and over the top. He demands an explanation and solution, which in his eyes my solutions are never good enough and I 'J A D E'... .

The latest instance I forgot to put his card back in his wallet. It was a mistake. From my point of view all it needs is a nice reminder. But to him it's the end of the world. This time it's getting to me more than normal as he abused me in front of a shop keeper, then continued at home in front of my mother, my kids and one of my kids friends... .

How can I respond. I'm perfectly happy with taking responsibility for my actions and apologising... . I end up apologising and saying I'll remember next time. But it leads into a circle argument with me standing there listening and trying to validate. Thinking in the back of my head I could name 20 things every hour you don't put back... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cloudy Days]

I don't have much advice to give other than try to stay calm and Validate his feelings. But my husband does this kind of thing too. Over the weekend he flipped out on me because I moved the remote control to the other side of the couch. He also got irritated with me because he put his winter hat on top of our freezer and I had to move it because I needed something out of the freezer. I put it on a shelf that he could plainly see that was right next to the freezer. He also misplaces things himself and them blames me for loosing it. Even though he puts things places and then doesn't remember where he put them. It's insanity.

One phrase I have started to use with his is "I accept that you feel that way, I can't change how you feel" and I will sometimes add "I don't like that you feel that way but I accept it." He doesn't argue with it because he is looking for acceptance of his feelings a lot of the time. I like it because it doesn't agree with anything but it still feels validating to him

[an0ught]

Hi Aundrea,

I've gone through all the lessons and I don't think I'm connecting the dots with this situation.

that's why there is the board 

My BPD partner of 14 yrs is very particular about 'his possessions' and eventually I won't be on the ball and put an item back and the verbal abuse starts, he berates me like a child (last instance was in public), he demands a solution and when I come up with I'll focus more on remembering, it's not good enough, tells me we have done this a million times that it keeps happening and then he hints at separation.

OCD? Asperger? Whatever is behind it in practice for you it means dealing with hypersensitivity and b&w view of borders.

I can understand how he feels, I get annoyed when my things are used and not put back. He doesn't clean up after himself and I do everything- we have 2 kids so I'm use to putting their possessions (his) and my things others have used, back a million times a day. However the anger he feels towards it is very excessive and over the top. He demands an explanation and solution, which in his eyes my solutions are never good enough and I 'J A D E'... .

JADE is bad and the cure is boundaries.

The latest instance I forgot to put his card back in his wallet. It was a mistake. From my point of view all it needs is a nice reminder. But to him it's the end of the world. This time it's getting to me more than normal as he abused me in front of a shop keeper, then continued at home in front of my mother, my kids and one of my kids friends... .

To him it is the end of the world and needs to be validated that way. You may think it is a small transgression but since when do facts matter   Now while there is no harm, actually benefit in telling him he feels like his entire fortune was robbed there is harm in letting him getting away with abuse.

How can I respond. I'm perfectly happy with taking responsibility for my actions and apologising... . I end up apologising and saying I'll remember next time. But it leads into a circle argument with me standing there listening and trying to validate.

Validate so you are sure he hears that you apologize once but only once. Then boundary - do a timeout every time he tries to pull his childish behavior (don't judge his behavior - that may not go well). He may escalate a few times. You are taking away an option he is very used to using (blaming you) and that is not comfortable.

First boundaries are hard - the hardest in fact - and need careful thinking through. Consistent implementation can bring significant change. The need commitment as there is often a price to be paid and they entail some risk.

Thinking in the back of my head I could name 20 things every hour you don't put back... .

Are you putting them back? The stuff you care about - ok - but there may be stuff you care not so much about. I try to keep the kitchen clean - I'm not perfect and in fact much messier than my wife - but in the kitchen I'm clear keeping the order leader. I still got complaints from my wife about stuff I left in the wrong places. When taking a step back I realized that I fixed a lot of her mess and not enough of mine. Now my mess has much more priority and hers less. Kitchen still clean, complaints down and maybe she has now even more a balanced sense of what clean means and her role in it.

[waverider]

He has a problem with you not making sure everything is in its place. This is his problem.

You have a problem with him abusing you. This is your problem.

Concentrate on addressing your problem, it is no less important than his.

The issues themselves are not the core issues they are just the avenue for letting out his inner frustrations in general. Bend over backwards to fix one issue and the control need will simply find another to express itself.

To resolve your problem you have to deal with the attitude and treatment towards you. Which as an0ught says, comes down to boundaries. You will not stand there and accept abuse, nor will you attempt to address or explain anything whilst you are being spoke to this way. That is just feeding the controlling nature.

If he does have OCD or a similar issue, you will not be able to live to the same levels of order. Make that clear to him and don't promise to try. If you promise, you will fail and you will have just presented him with a broken promise and around you go.

My partner has strong OCD traits and she used to break down crying if certain things where not in their place.That doesn't mean neat place, just where its always been. Even if was just an old empty box or bottle thats been left on top of a shelf. The fact that something had been a certain way for a while meant that it had to stay that way.

I eventually broke this by stopping things from being allowed to stay exactly the same way, and breaking habits early. Running with them is the easy way out but it just creates a bigger problem down the track. She was diagnosed OCD for 20 years before being rediagnosed BPD

[Aundrea]

He is quite the opposite, he is a hoarder and extremely messy  

I am not a neat freak but I do try and put things back. At the moment he has been 'sick' and in bed for 7 weeks. So my energy is dwindling as the things he does do really help take the load of me and without him doing it I'm feeling the pressure.

I was for a long time focusing on his messes and then the things I did wouldn't be done fully. So that was defiantly a problem because as you said, he then is able to focus on what I haven't done and use that as an outlet... . So there is 4 places I won't clean now as it's his responsibility. His side of the room, his lock up, she'd and the mowing. So when he leaves things in other areas of the house, I ask him to put th away or put them in a neat pile on his side of the bed for him to deal with.

He has told me before that when I don't put his things back I am not respecting him and it shows I don't care about what he thinks or feels (so invalidating). So I know this triggers him.

So I do the best I can but once a month or so I will slip up.

I know subconsciously I am putting up with the abuse as I feel I deserve it. I took his card out of his wallet and didn't put it back. I know this is a boundary I have to inforce as I know that's my issue with realising I don't deserve to be chastised like a child.

I don't know if I want to bend over backwards anymore than I have been, if I do them aren't I just walking on egg shells? As it's defiantly Tyring watching every single little thing I do.

So if I only appologise once and then offer a solution by putting it back and that's not good enough and he says 'what's your solution/how so we solve or fix this' what do I say then?

[Lilibeth]

Just want you to know you are not alone, Aundrea. I too am practicing what An0ught and Waverider have advised - believe me it's not easy... . since we are also grappling with ourselves... . I think we just have to shut our inner ears when they go on... . besides validating and creating the boundary. My husband attacks the same thing from different angles, and before i have sorted out one in my mind, the other comes on... . am trying to learn how to just shut the words out.

[waverider]

I don't know if I want to bend over backwards anymore than I have been, if I do them aren't I just walking on egg shells? As it's defiantly Tyring watching every single little thing I do.

So if I only appologise once and then offer a solution by putting it back and that's not good enough and he says 'what's your solution/how so we solve or fix this' what do I say then?

The difference with doing some things and not others is that they are the things that YOU choose to do that affect YOU, not the things determined by him. That may simply be clearing his things out of ares that effect you and make your life harder by leaving them out of principle.

Not all pwOCD are neat freaks, a tendency to hoard rubbish is common to the disorder.

Funny you mention the mess on the bed room floor. We just had a combined clean up of my partners side of the bedroom. Saw the carpet for the first time in 18 months. That entire side of the bedroom was 1-2 feet deep in "stuff". Even empty grog bottles at the bottom, and shes been sober just over 12 months. It stank. The wardrobe doors were capable of being opened for the first time in a year, due to the pile in front of it.

Now its all in boxes on the floor. But it wont be long before its spread out again. Nature of the beast.

Point is I can't change this but I wont allow the rubbish to be all over the lounge, because that effects my quality of life, and I'm not going spend forever having endless fights trying to force a compliance.