Feeling down and shouldn't be

[foggydew]

Charlie has got a new job, has been on a high for the last 2 weeks and is doing really well. I have been able to talk to him about all kinds of issues that he has, and how they affect me and others. It's really good to see him blossoming and hopeful.

Bought him a little gift to celebrate his first day at work... he came to see me, beaming, and told me how great it was to feel needed and wanted and useful.  I smiled and said, more or less, 'told you so'. His answer was that my opinion doesn't count, I just praise him for everything.

I don't. I put up with all his carping, put downs, criticism, controlling behaviour, etc, wait until the time is right and he can accept it, then tell him about the results his behaviour has. His answer is that we are very close, so he can allow himself this behaviour with me.

I don't want or expect thanks, but it would be nice to feel a bit appreciated. In a couple of weeks he'll be going away to work, and I'll miss him a lot, having put so much energy into dealing with him during his last 6 months of unemployment. So, again, glad he's doing better, and I can see it, but... .

Guess I'm just feeling a bit useless.

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[an0ught]

Hi foggydew,

you are not useless, just not in the center of his attention. And that center is tiny - he has a bit a narrow viewing angle, that is just him. Has nothing to do with you  

Bought him a little gift to celebrate his first day at work... he came to see me, beaming, and told me how great it was to feel needed and wanted and useful.  I smiled and said, more or less, 'told you so'. His answer was that my opinion doesn't count, I just praise him for everything.

This is a bit speculation but what I can see before my eyes is you first invalidating him. He comes along and is drunken with success. Then you are calm and are not matching his excitement. He feels invalidated (you are not getting him) and lashes out at you. Which is totally unfair as you have worked so long and hard for this  . Does not mean he does not know this but momentary feelings overwhelm him often.

We usually talk about validating negative emotions and people on the board struggle expressing sufficiently negative emotions to match the pwBPD's negativity. When suddenly presented with unregulated positive emotions that can be quite confusing. Same rules apply - try to match their level somewhat and glide down towards a more balanced stance over time.

Charlie has got a new job, has been on a high for the last 2 weeks and is doing really well. I have been able to talk to him about all kinds of issues that he has, and how they affect me and others. It's really good to see him blossoming and hopeful.

This is really great news  . More interactions can help balancing emotions a bit and you have to carry less.

[foggydew]

Thanks a lot for your analysis. It actually helped a lot this evening, when I had a similar situation... him leaving, saying he couldn't talk to me. I read what you wrote, then went to see him, said I was sorry I hadn't managed to understand what he wanted to say. From being dismissive he became all smiles, thanked me for coming and was pleasant for the rest of the evening.

It's nice to feel understood... . you showed you understood me, took time for me, and I was able to pass it on. Thanks.