protect yourself

[DeepBlueZee]

Hello--

I'm a newbie at this forum, so I might be asking some basic questions.  If these are frequent questions, please direct me to old threads. 

I became smitten with an amazing woman, and 3 months later she became my wife.  And then things drastically changed.  We have been together now for a total of 9 months, and I am trying to quickly learn how to be in (salvage) a relationship with my wife that has BPD. 

How do people protect themselves, so that they can still be in a relationship with a BPD but not get sucked up in the storm the BPD creates?

For example:

• Lately, when my wife gets angry, she says she is going to call the police on me (although I have not done anything).  How can I protect myself legally from this behavior?



• My wife had recently bought a fur coat, diamond earrings, expensive dresses.  She is not working, and I don't make enough money for this.  How do you maintain a marriage, but protect yourself financially?



• My wife has started to become violent.  Last time she hit me, I grabbed her wrist so she would stop.  This time it left a small bruise on her wrist... . in the future, I am scared she will acuse me of battering her.  In the future I will just try to exit the situation, but as she is hitting, how is the safe way protect yourself?

When I look at this... . I just feel so pathetic that I am asking these questions. I never thought I would be in a relationship like this.  However, I take marriage seriously, I love my wife, and I am trying keep this relationship afloat. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[an0ught]

Hi DeepBlueZee,

• Lately, when my wife gets angry, she says she is going to call the police on me (although I have not done anything).  How can I protect myself legally from this behavior?



• My wife had recently bought a fur coat, diamond earrings, expensive dresses.  She is not working, and I don't make enough money for this.  How do you maintain a marriage, but protect yourself financially?



• My wife has started to become violent.  Last time she hit me, I grabbed her wrist so she would stop.  This time it left a small bruise on her wrist... . in the future, I am scared she will acuse me of battering her.  In the future I will just try to exit the situation, but as she is hitting, how is the safe way protect yourself?

When I look at this... . I just feel so pathetic that I am asking these questions. I never thought I would be in a relationship like this.  However, I take marriage seriously, I love my wife, and I am trying keep this relationship afloat. 

for a Newbie this is a really nice formated list, not many are able to do that As for the issues you are dealing with - they are typical - it may feel odd but you are not alone here  . What is a bit unusual is the fairly rapid dynamic in her changing behavior. Is there a particular stressor that entered her life?

The basic answer is - you need boundaries. Both the money problems and the abuse are sign of disrespect from her side and insufficient (for having an effect on her) boundaries. As a first step study the LESSONS at the top of the board with an eye on boundaries and expecially this workshop on boundaries and values here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries Then try to think through how to set a boundary on the money side and get some feedback  on the board through the perspective of others.

It takes a while to work through all this but it may be a good idea to keep going on it as it sounds your situation is escalating. Also you may want to  study the material here on safety planning: https://bpdfamily.com/discussions/search-info4.htm

Hang in there  ,

a0

[yeeter]

Hi Deep



It's great you found this site, a fantastic resource

Some of these items are quite serious matters and you need to protect yourself. One big one is the possibility of false allegations of physical abuse. Definitely read some of the material on protecting yourself from this.  If she becomes physical at you call the police and file a report.

Financially you are going to need to detach and control your own liabilities.  This might mean canceling cards and keeping your money separate

It's going to be very difficult times, so take care of yourself and keep your own mental health intact

[DeepBlueZee]

for a Newbie this is a really nice formated list, not many are able to do that As for the issues you are dealing with - they are typical - it may feel odd but you are not alone here  . What is a bit unusual is the fairly rapid dynamic in her changing behavior. Is there a particular stressor that entered her life?

Thanks, it is nice to know that I am not alone.  We had just met, got married, so that is a big change.  Also, she moved from where she had been living for 5 years to my state, where she does not have friends.  Also, she just graduated with a PHD but has been unable to find a job... . so she went from an embryonic student and is now exposed to the real world.  Also, we found out she was pregnant.  She kept threatening to abort it.  We just found out it was a miscarriage... . which relieved her.  So, yes, a lot of changes. 

The basic answer is - you need boundaries. Both the money problems and the abuse are sign of disrespect from her side and insufficient (for having an effect on her) boundaries. As a first step study the LESSONS at the top of the board with an eye on boundaries and expecially this workshop on boundaries and values here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries Then try to think through how to set a boundary on the money side and get some feedback  on the board through the perspective of others.

It takes a while to work through all this but it may be a good idea to keep going on it as it sounds your situation is escalating. Also you may want to  study the material here on safety planning: https://bpdfamily.com/discussions/search-info4.htm

Hang in there  ,

a0

Thank you, there is a lot of stuff there, I will try to work through it.

[DeepBlueZee]

Hi Deep



It's great you found this site, a fantastic resource

Some of these items are quite serious matters and you need to protect yourself. One big one is the possibility of false allegations of physical abuse. Definitely read some of the material on protecting yourself from this.  If she becomes physical at you call the police and file a report.

Financially you are going to need to detach and control your own liabilities.  This might mean canceling cards and keeping your money separate

It's going to be very difficult times, so take care of yourself and keep your own mental health intact

Thanks for the advice.  I never thought I would have to file a police report on my wife.  eek!

[yeeter]

Thanks for the advice.  I never thought I would have to file a police report on my wife.  eek!

You are going to end up doing all kinds of things you never dreamed you would do, for the sake of staying in this relationship.  And in all likelihood, some of the things you will end up doing will disappoint yourself.

As always for new comers, read, read, read.  In particular, read what it takes to stay.  What it is, and is not likely to be in terms of a relationship.

Then post and ask questions and read all the great advice from the group here.

[HopefulDad]

The basic answer is - you need boundaries.

Yeah, and the understanding that boundaries are not crossed.  She hits you, you tell her that will not be tolerated again and you will call the police next time.  She does it again and you call the police.  I threatened to call the police on my BPDw when she physically tried to prevent me from leaving.  Never happened since.

Ditto the finances.  Tell her you cannot afford the expensive items she buys and will cancel the credit card if she does it again.  Next time it happens, off goes the money faucet.

How gently or harshly you communicate these boundaries, whether you use a heavy dose of SET or not, is up to you.  But the bottom line is that the boundaries are communicated and acted upon.  Consistently.

[HopefulDad]

On your first point about your wife threatening to call the police when you are not doing anything:  Do you have a smartphone?  Download a voice recording app and start recording when you sense the dysregulation coming.  He said/she said in a domestic violence dispute is a dicey situation that you do NOT want to be on the wrong end of.

It's good to know if dual-consent laws for recordings apply in your area before going this route.  And if you live in an area with dual-consent, get some legal advice on the exceptions (threats of false abuse accusations may qualify).

Anytime police involvement is part of the equation, you have to be ready to take things up a notch.  No fun, but you may regret not doing so.  Remember, you didn't initiate any of this police business to begin with. 

[Mike_confused]

DeepBlue... .

I am certainly no expert, but can assure you that ALL THREE of your issues are serious.  I have experienced all three in the past.   I finally left and contacted an attorney.  She begged and pleaded a promised.   And she entered therapy. 

I still have not fully moved back in over a year.  I do spend about have of my time with her.   I went back with a laundry list of boundaries.   Firm ones.  When she goes off the rails I make myself scarce for a while.  Not the best way to maintain a good marriage, but if I had nevered moved out we would be divorced by now... . and I would have then moved out.

The irrational nature of the situation is no better that the irrationality of the person with BPD.

[an0ught]

Thanks, it is nice to know that I am not alone.  We had just met, got married, so that is a big change.  Also, she moved from where she had been living for 5 years to my state, where she does not have friends.  Also, she just graduated with a PHD but has been unable to find a job... . so she went from an embryonic student and is now exposed to the real world.  Also, we found out she was pregnant.  She kept threatening to abort it.  We just found out it was a miscarriage... . which relieved her.  So, yes, a lot of changes. 

These are all big life changes and on top two major hormonal changes. That explains in part the speed of change. She lacks a good support system that is helping her which is bad. Particularly as she then focuses all on you and that focus is shifting the responsibility for everything under the sun on your shoulders. And since you are responsible for everything it is only fair she blames you  .

It will be a balancing act to support her but not to do too much to create more sense in her that you are the origin of sin.

This uprooting and moving elsewhere etc. can be stressful, confusing and making one feel helpless. Addressing such emotions without belittling them can be helpful. You will find workshops on validation in the LESSONS. The first and most easiest relief comes from understanding validation, doing first steps there and then being able to reduce invalidation.

Sensible advice from others on protecting yourself.