Do SET Tools also apply to modern communication (like Whatsapp?)

[ziniztar]

Hi all,

I've been struggling with this for a while now. My dBPDbf and I do not live together. We are both 28, together for half a year now and of course he mentioned it after two months. I had to leave my house at the time so it fit perfectly. But somehow I felt I hadn't seen all of him yet, and wasn't prepared to make such a big decision without seeing the hole picture. Thank god for that, because he really bursted while I was moving out - a time with a lot of pressure for both of us.

The last two weeks or so have been a lot better. Back to the idealization cycle again, I guess. But what I noticed is the following: we don't argue when we're in the same room. I don't let anger take over our conversation and neither does he. We can have little discussions but we both know how to restrain ourselves even though sometimes things can ben tense.

But when we're not together and communication happens through written communication (whatsapp), things get ugly. Today we had a wonderful day where he even shed some light onto his inner thoughts and processes, was there for me after my therapy session, and we left things really well when he parted. He went off to play with his band. The atmosphere has been bad lately between band members and they don't know about his BPD. They have a gig coming up this Saturday so I guess something went wrong there. All of a sudden he was really evasive when I asked how his night was. I called him and we had an okay conversation where he even said 'good night sweetie'.

5 minutes later this happened on Whatsapp:

":)id you finish my bucket of Ben & Jerry's?"

"Oh yeah I did that, about a week ago already."

"Jezus f*** christ, that is REALLY annoying. F***! What now?"

"I'm sorry that you're out of ice cream now."

"YEAH DUH!"

"I can't do anything about it anymore at this moment."

"Whatever."

I called him to try and find out what was really wrong, it can't be the Ben & Jerry's. No answer.

Texted him: "Can I do anything for you? You seem a little agitated/upset with me." No answer.

I ended up texting (for my inner peace): "I am sorry you are out of ice cream now. I would have had the same reaction, even the other day I found out my new roommate finished my loaf of bread and I was left out. That annoyed me as well. We can agree to never finish something in each others' fridge as I did with my roommate. Sleep tight xxx."

He hasn't checked his phone and I hope/guess this is the end of the minor fight cycle for now. I guess it would have been better to send that latter message straight away in one go, without saying "I can't do anything about it now." Would you agree? 

What bugs me is that this happens after such a perfect day and this is the feeling that get's stuck, right before going to bed. I hate going to bed with a fight, I need things to be right. I would want to keep whatsapp out of the loop when it comes to arguing, but he's searching for it knowingly I guess. How to end this in a way without disregarding his annoyance and without me having to sleep bad? When you're sitting next to each other you can see that your message has worked, in body language, in tone of voice. When it's done through whatsapp I get no confirmation at all. How have you dealt with this?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ziniztar]

* I moved to another appartment, with another roommate, and did not choose to live with him yet.

[MissyM]

It could be part of  the push/pull cycle.  When we have had a nice time, many times my dBPDh will send me an aggressive text.  I just reiterate that we had a really nice night and let's leave it at that.  He is aware of the push/pull cycle and has been trying to stop it.  Is your pwBPD aware that they push/pull?

[itgirl]

My uBPDso also likes to vent over text.  She would sometime text me when I am in the other room instead of just calling me over.  I have come to the conclusion she doesn't want me to actually reply and JADE.  More often than not if I leave it for a while she will calm down and send a text saying "I didn't mean it I was just upset". 

Then I will reply. 

I'm not saying this will work for everyone but in my case it certainly does.

[ziniztar]

It could be part of  the push/pull cycle.  When we have had a nice time, many times my dBPDh will send me an aggressive text.  I just reiterate that we had a really nice night and let's leave it at that.  He is aware of the push/pull cycle and has been trying to stop it.  Is your pwBPD aware that they push/pull?

Missy, how did he get to see he is doing this? I assume that when I tell him he'll see it as an attack, yet when his T tells him this, he'll accept and acknowledge it. Does your H not feel invalidated when you don't validate his emotion - even thought it was displayed in a text?

I know my dBPDbf has said sometimes to 'not respond' or 'not send back many things'. That was in the very early beginning when we got to know each other and I didn't know him that well yet. He hadn't told about his diagnosis yet and he was on a trip for a month. Of course everything was wonderful so we didn't have any fights then. Perhaps on a good day I can ask him why he said it at the time.

The other day we were watching an episode of How I Met Your Mother where Marshall and Lily take 'pauzes' in their argument. I told him: "I want to do that too." "Yeah! Very useful!" he said. "But we don't have that many fights   . We only have breakups. ". It was a first that he recognised what had happened two weeks ago so I think this is good. Before he wouldn't speak of it, it was too painful perhaps.

At the very beginning something similar happened, but when we were together in the same room. I had forgotten to buy new condoms so we weren't able to have sex that night. He got really mad at it. It was his first outburst and it didn't get hurt by it at all, because I was able to calm him down and see it from the 'outside'. I guess that's my part of the dance here: when this happens over text, I don't get to feel that I am helping him. I should not need his approval. I've seen this type of behaviour in many arguments with my siblings and non-BPD-partners as well... . Some form of self-validation should probably help me. What do you say to yourself in times like this?

[ziniztar]

I have come to the conclusion she doesn't want me to actually reply and JADE. 

How did you get to that conclusion? It's nice to hear that he comes to his senses after a while.

[MissyM]

Missy, how did he get to see he is doing this?

We went away for a week together at a treatment facility, for marital help.  They work with a lot of addicts and codependents, as well as other issues.  This is where the pieces came together for the BPD diagnosis.  They asked him if he noticed that he pulled away and got upset after we had been close.  He said he recognized that he did it, after he had done it.  So they told me to mention to him when I feel it happening.  That is what I have been doing.  He seems able to come back around a few hours later, when he is doing therapy.  When he takes a therapy break, he gradually falls apart.

[MissTajo]

together for half a year now

Give it time... .

If he is BPD 6 months is not enough time to see his true BPD colors yet. I think, and I am not at all an expert, the "symptoms" begin to grow.

I don't know, its just what I thought when I read your post.

[itgirl]

I have come to the conclusion she doesn't want me to actually reply and JADE. 

How did you get to that conclusion? It's nice to hear that he comes to his senses after a while.

I stumbled across it.  I always have my phone on me so whenever she would start to send me angry texts I would immediately reply and we would end up in an argument.  Sometimes I would be in meeting and couldn't reply straight away and then realized that when I don't reply she would eventually just apologize.  I think she uses text messaging to vent.  Instead of writing it on a piece of paper like a journal she would send me text messages. 

Now I know better as not to take the bait but to rather wait it out.  At least till she has calmed down.  I guess one could say that I set a boundary. 

Especially when I am at work. 

[waverider]

Have you ever been frustrated, when someone said or did something, and your instinct is to go arrghhhhh. But you don't, and you think about it then realize its either not their fault or not a big deal? Well for a pwBPD they dont have that pause and think mechanism so they just go arrrghhh straight up. You try to point out it was unreasonable. BPD wont allow them to admit they were wrong so they go straight on the defensive (ie premptive attack). The issue now becomes winning conflict, the original cause is immaterial.

In other words their initial reaction was a form of thinking aloud. If you dont respond, you are not calling them out, so not triggering the defensive attack.

The best response for inappropriate aggression is to cease communication until civility returns, rather than trying to negotiate it out. The trigger for his frustrations would not have been the ice cream, by you trying to go into it as being about the ice cream is like you hijacking it (even though he started it).

In his mind it is kind of like this my emotion, these are the words I use to express it>> stop concentrating on the words, validate my emotion.

[ziniztar]

Thanks waverider and ITGirl, that helped. A similar thing happened this morning. I had forgotten to put his boxer in the dryer which meant he had to wait for it during breakfast and is wearing a semi-wet boxer now. At first he responded very annoyed to the fact I had forgotten. Spoke in a tone of voice to me as if I am completely incompetent of doing anything. I let it go, took care of other breakfasty stuff.

A few minutes later he was more calm about it, and was even able to make a joke about it.

I can see how the whole process is repeated when apart and how text messaging fits in.

This helps, this really helps. Not just me, him as well.

Missy, how did he get to see he is doing this?

We went away for a week together at a treatment facility, for marital help.  They work with a lot of addicts and codependents, as well as other issues.  This is where the pieces came together for the BPD diagnosis.  They asked him if he noticed that he pulled away and got upset after we had been close.  He said he recognized that he did it, after he had done it.  So they told me to mention to him when I feel it happening.  That is what I have been doing.  He seems able to come back around a few hours later, when he is doing therapy.  When he takes a therapy break, he gradually falls apart.

MissM, I mentioned it to him the other day. He's in therapy so he's quite aware of how he's acting, but fro your post I noticed that he could sometimes use some guidance as to when he's doing it. He had picked on two more small things and after he took his shower, I asked him how he feels these days. That he comes across a little inconsistent, loving me in one moment, being somewhat critical of me on others. He has dropped the fight picking since then.

[an0ught]

There is talk and writing. Some writing can be talk.

SET is talking like writing - very deliberate talking with a clear structure and plan.

The difference can be often pace. Tools like Whatsapp which signal when the message is delivered tempt to set a talking pace. When the other party responds immediately again we are tempted to respond immediately. Our co-dependent pre-disposition may increase temptation to respond immediately. Sometimes an immediate response it the right thing to do. Sometimes taking time to respond deliberately is better. It also breaks the sense that we can be controlled.

[waverider]

There is talk and writing. Some writing can be talk.

SET is talking like writing - very deliberate talking with a clear structure and plan.

The difference can be often pace. Tools like Whatsapp which signal when the message is delivered tempt to set a talking pace. When the other party responds immediately again we are tempted to respond immediately. Our co-dependent pre-disposition may increase temptation to respond immediately. Sometimes an immediate response it the right thing to do. Sometimes taking time to respond deliberately is better. It also breaks the sense that we can be controlled.

This is all about breaking the habit of reactionary behavior. reactionary behavior is what often sends us into our own little dysregulated dance. pwBPD often live on impulse and reaction this is what triggers most of the dysregulations.

I run an online retail business and often have to field what are often "narky' questions and claims from customers. My PR increased dramatically when I made it a policy not to answer triggering statements straight away. It was far easier to defuse a tricky situation when you insert a breathing space.

The one benefit of electronic communication is that instant responses are not always necessary in the way face to face communications do. It is important to make use of this to compensate for the fact that it is also easier to misinterpret communications like this.