Advice please on how to cope

[RJC83]

Hello all,

I have been away from here for a while now - hoping that things with my uBPD wife will get better with time and effort from my self and friends.  I often find reading through the posts a little depressing as they are simply highlighting the issues we have been through many times over. 

I have been with my wife for 12 years now, I’m 32 and my wife is 28 and we have two amazing boys (3 & 8).  Ofc things have been up and down over the years but from time to time I seem to get a sense of uselessness as I’m finding it harder to not take her insults, put-downs and bad moods personally. Trying to be the bigger person and overlook these issues in tough times is extremely draining – guess that’s where I am at this moment in time.  With this comes guilt - for wanting to leave.  I understand it’s not her intention but I feel I should be able to deal with it better.

If anyone has any advice it would be greatly appreciated.  Even if you want to say hi, that would be great as it would be nice to talk to someone about this.

Rob

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cloudy Days]

I really have a problem with the insults, putdowns and general lack of validation in general. Him Validating me is like pulling teeth, I usually hear about how he has it worse in any way shape or form, so I hear, your feelings/problems don't matter so don't bother me with them.

I have found that my husband likes to vent, the less I comment about what he is venting about the better off I am. He says some truly terrible things, things that scare me, but he's never done any of them. I used to get really upset when he would talk like this but the more I react to what he says, the worse he gets. I started to just focus on how I feel, when I feel myself getting emotional and upset I try to breath deeply and I recite a comforting song in my head instead of focusing on what he is saying. I let the emotion ebb and flow like the ocean tide and eventually the emotions subside and I can continue to listen without triggering him. We have had long conversations with each other about him Venting. He has told me in the past his bark is bigger than his bite and when I tell him he is wrong for what he is saying it sets him off. So no more comments from me except for non judgmental ones that show I am listening. The point of reciting a compforting song in your head is that it makes you focus on something else that isn't emotional. It works really well for me to help me not react. If I don't react then he has nothing to keep fighting with.

[MissTajo]

I'm so sorry that you are going trough a rough time. Remember to always focus on you, your happiness, your hobbies, your beautiful children and things that make you happy. Her BPD is here to stay and when she ranges is not against you. Its just a call out for attention the worst possible way.

Find happiness in the little things. Focus on the good. 

Keep posting, keep writing your feelings here because we will always have a word of comfort for you.

[LifeIsBeautiful]

Hi RJC83,

I can relate to the feeling of uselessness (unable to help) and draining out (on the receiving end of rages). It happens to me frequently, too often I think.

Have you looked back how we could feel so down or angry about something said that was somewhat malicious, untrue, or even ridiculous? Sometimes we blow out and the situation escalates. I had been reading articles about detachment and how our thoughts affect us. It is still complex to me, what I can understand is that sometimes we let negative thoughts in our head affect our feelings and react or behave negatively. Just look/listen at it as it is, and not get immersed in it or engulfed by it. Realize how you are feeling, observe it, acknowledge it and then let it go, revisit it later if needed but live in the moment.

I read about one technique, sorry I lost the link, was about observing our thoughts in a non-threatening way. Example, supposedly someone said something hurtful like "you are a worthless person", imagine a Mickey Mouse voice saying it, or even sing it to the tune of Happy Birthday, a few times. I thought it was silly initially, but the effect was seeing it from another perspective for what it is, a negative thought/feeling, true or not is another matter, but we can let it pass and carry on with other more positive things. Not letting it create more negativeness, like noisy cars driving past outside, the sound goes away when it drives away, and we don't go outside to see or tell them to stop.

Maybe the other members can add on or comment about this, I'm still a novice in this.

[Theo41]

RJC83, I can relate. I'm a couple of decades down the road. Children are grown and independent. Didn't know about BPD till a few years ago. What kept me going was two things:

1. The love she would shower on me during the idealization periods. 2. The advise of a good friend who taught me to compartmentalize. He said most people go thru life saying: "when I get that good job, relationship etc. I will be happy. "When they get it something else takes it's place. He pointed out that everything in my life is good and satisfying outside my marriage. For the past 20 years I have enjoyed my life (work, sports, arts, relationships,  etc.) and of course I took the advise given regarding my marriage: celebrate and enjoy the good times.

Having said that, I frequently wonder if I shouldn't have divorced. The kids, for example, tell me it was horrible growing up. They were scared stiff of her anger. They keep their distance now. It's sad. I Hope some of that helps. Theo

[waverider]

Aim not to learn how to cope with your wife. Focus more on rebuilding your own life and self confidence. Coping with your wife will come as a by product of rebuilding yourself.

You are not useless, convince yourself first.

Coping is treading water, rebuilding is learning to swim

[Stalwart]

RJC the best advice I can give is ‘take a deep breath’ count to five and start all over again. Like you, it really is difficult sometimes for me to come on hear and associate with all the things I’ve found so damaging and hurtful in my life, and the life of my wife. I tend not to comment but I have to tell you my heart goes out to everyone here, we have challenging lives. It’s not that people who live in ‘common’ relationships don’t. It’s just that ours seem never ending and relentless in the needs and concerns of our spouses behaviors’ and needs. Even given the best of times it’s difficult, if not impossible, to let your guard down, relax and just enjoy a moment for fear of coming to the top of the roller coaster and looking over into the oblivion of the drop (again.) Sounds about where you are right now if I’m reading your post correctly.

We’re all there for our own reasons and regardless of what those are it seems to me that we have to be experts at “turning over a new leaf” from time to time in our relationships. Giving ourselves reasons to just be able to ignore the hurt and difficulties of  the past period of time and find strength enough to put it behind us and look forward to the next stretch along the ride. It gives me a new place to start and strength to restart with – reason and hope to do it. Sometimes it’s difficult especially after enough truly desperate events that have offended or hurt us to find the reasoning for doing that. I used empathy and try my best to relate with her challenges and perhaps sometimes I use that as an excuse to “turn the leaf” in new hope.

Tough part is, do you have the resolve, want and reasons in your life to do that? You are the only one with that answer. I know for my part I spend immense amounts of time on a constant basis doing the small things, flowers, cards, quick emails, texts, phone calls; etc… letting her know on a pretty- much constant basis I’m there and that I love her. It helps, and up until now (with the last turning of the leaf) it’s works and it is a lot of work. The results though make it good work. I actually enjoy it, knowing how much she does need that now that both her and I are aware of her particular challenge, (our particular challenge.)

I hope you’ve been able to stay in well with your children and haven’t allowed yourself to be isolated from them as a result of the past history. Mine always have been and still are my inner strength, and with them my grandchildren. It’s a boundary I won’t allow to be crossed or affected negatively.

We all live in the same Grand Decision my friend and it’s not always easy to live in that. Take a deep breath and I hope you find some new strength and positive direction.

Stay strong my friend.

[yeeter]

Focus more on rebuilding your own life and self confidence.

+1 on this.  First let go of your expectations of what you 'wanted' your life/relationship to look like.  This will allow you to detach a bit, and assess the reality of what it 'is'.  From there, with acceptance of that reality, you can decide how you want to move forward.  Give this process some time - it takes quite a while to rebuild yourself.

Take care of yourself.  Then take care of yourself some more.  Hobbies, friendships, sleep, health, eating right, exercise, etc etc.  Get it all in place and working.  From there, you can begin to figure out how to take care of others.

Hugs