Impulsive - how do you say "No"?

[amy798]

If a loved one who suffers from BPD is about to do something impulsive which you can sense will not have positive consequences, how do you ask him/her not to do it or refrain him/her from doing it?

For example, my BPD ex (now very good friend) is married but sometimes do something which can be considered as cheating on his wife's part. How do I ask him to stay away from these as I know he will be overwhelmed with guilt later and that will make him feel worse and worthless which I don't want. Once when he bumped into one of his exes and described to me on the phone how happy he was to see her and that goodness in women turns him on and he will be busy with her for the next few minutes, I asked him to stay with me on the phone if possible and reminded him how overwhelming guilt can be. Asked him not to do something which he might regret or feel guilty about later. He didn't do anything then, but I am afraid that he is still screwing women behind his wife's back but is not telling me. If i knew, at least I could have guided him in some way. I know you might tell me that it's none of my business but sticking around with him and being there for him as much as I can is the decision I have made and will not change. His wife is only 18 years old and I don't know if she even cares about any of these as I was being told that she got married to my ex because her family convinced her that she can be happier with someone who is rich (my ex is quite loaded). It's not because she is my ex's wife, but I just don't trust materialistic people. And I care about my ex a lot, and still love him unconditionally and selflessly. Seeing him suffer is the last thing I would want. So a little help would be really appreciated!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[HealingForMe]

Hey Amy,

Thats very difficult. I understand how you still care for your exBPDh & how you want to help him avoid self-destructive behaviour (thats what this cheating behaviour is).

I think as you're doing explaining that you care about him & want him to avoid doing anything that will cause him later regret or guilt. & how painful & overwhelming that feels. You could also try to build his self-esteem, saying he is a good person & is better than that. Tell him some good things about himself... . kind, intelligent, funny, etc. I'm not sure what else you can do apart from encouraging him.

Good luck... .