1st contact- need advice

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Ok. So after careful thought I know the reason for my 1st contact is for the betterment of my son, But if I'm honest, could be selfish on my end.

I received an email invitation for my son to try out for our area all star little league baseball team. My son's mother currently has him at his 3rd playground in 6 months, and plans on putting him at a playground closer to where she lives which is understandable. However, my son takes baseball very seriously, and wants to play everyday of the summer with tournaments on the weekend. Many kids he became friends with on the all star team last year will be playing on this team, and he has expressed interest on playing for the little league all stars.

The problem is that so far (concerning his mother) it's never been about the betterment of our son, rather what she wants and is able to control.

I am able to bring to and pick up from practice everyday, pay for his sponsorship on the team, as well as, take care of all the transportation to weekend tournaments travel ball entails.

So, how can I express in an email my son's interest to tryout without sounding like I am trying to control the situation or undermine her already current plans for my son's baseball this summer?

Thanks,

Arn

[arn131arn]

Ok. So after careful thought I know the reason for my 1st contact is for the betterment of my son, But if I'm honest, could be selfish on my end.

I received an email invitation for my son to try out for our area all star little league baseball team. My son's mother currently has him at his 3rd playground in 6 months, and plans on putting him at a playground closer to where she lives which is understandable. However, my son takes baseball very seriously, and wants to play everyday of the summer with tournaments on the weekend. Many kids he became friends with on the all star team last year will be playing on this team, and he has expressed interest on playing for the little league all stars.

The problem is that so far (concerning his mother) it's never been about the betterment of our son, rather what she wants and is able to control.

I am able to bring to and pick up from practice everyday, pay for his sponsorship on the team, as well as, take care of all the transportation to weekend tournaments travel ball entails.

So, how can I express in an email my son's interest to tryout without sounding like I am trying to control the situation or undermine her already current plans for my son's baseball this summer?

Thanks,

Arn

[Matt]

How old is your son?

How about:

Son wants to play on the baseball team again this year and I think that's a good idea - he has fun and makes friends.

I can take him to and from practice - Monday through Friday from 4:00 to 5:00 starting April 7 - and I can also pay the costs.

I'll work out the details with him and let you know, and then pick him up at 3:45 starting April 7.

What works best for me is stating what I will do, and then doing it - not a proposal (though she could disagree if she wants to) or a question, but a simple statement of what I will do, with all the necessary details.

[david]

I agree with Matt, state what you are doing for son and do it. Make sure you document it all.

If ex has abandonment/control issues this will probably trigger her. Over time it gets better. My ex used to get triggered with things like this. What worked best is to stay disengaged and let her deal with her feelings. The downside of this is ex gets less and less involved with our boys. Her relationship with them has lessened to the point that they just eat and sleep at her place when they are with her.

[Matt]

The downside of this is ex gets less and less involved with our boys.

That might be a good thing.

My kids are much less involved with their mom now - they still see her regularly but it's kind of like David says - they eat and sleep at her place from time to time, and that goes OK - better than when she was a more active parent and caused problems.

I know what David is saying:  it would be best for kids to have two healthy parents, and it's sad when one parent just can't fit that mold.  We just need to be practical about it - look at what works and what doesn't and try to go with what works.

[arn131arn]

I wish it were that easy, guys. She is very controlling, overprotective, Spent the past 5 months trying to alienate me from him, and I know for a fact she smears me to him.

I don't think she will give up the control that easily, but since the replacement came along, she's tossed him aside regularly.

Do Borderline mothers normally stop developing a RS with their boys? Does them having a replacement in the mix escalate that behavior?

Thanks so much,

Arn

[Matt]

Well none of this is easy - that's for sure.

I'll give you my limited personal experience... .

Married 12 years, separated 2006 when my wife got violent and accused me of assault.  During the divorce we both took psych evals - mine came our relatively clean - hers showed "multiple psychological disorders" including BPD.

At the time she was in her mid 40s.  Her oldest son, my stepson, was in his 20s.  She raised him herself - his biodad took him away when he was 1 but she got a lawyer and got him back, and biodad split forever.  When he was little they moved a lot - nobody in his life consistently except his mom - she treated him great sometimes, badly other times, and ignored him a lot.  He started drinking regularly at 12, other drugs in high school, never sober for more than 15 years.  Now in prison but sober and becoming a very good man - very close to my younger kids - but his own life horribly damaged by the way she treated him when he was little.

I brought all this out during the divorce, backed up by solid evidence.  The judge ordered her to get "psychotherapy" but she never did.

My younger son is now 15 and doing pretty well.  On paper we have 50/50 custody but as soon as the ink dried on the court order it started morphing - more time with me - for a million reasons.  The bottom line is, she didn't want him around all the time, though she does like seeing him at times.  Now he's with me all the time, except when I travel on business, or once in a while she wants to take him to dinner and that usually goes fine.

This is part of the strategy of going through a divorce from someone who has a personality disorder.  One approach is to fight to the end to get as much time as you can - might be the best approach in some cases.  Another approach is to begin by getting all the relevant information out in the open - objective psych evals for both parents and any documentation of her behavior patterns that hurt the child - and then settle for something moderate, like 50/50 or maybe better if you can get it, and let it morph into something better by mutual (maybe unspoken) choice.

[david]

I am currently seeking 50/50 realizing that the boys will be with me more than that once the court order becomes 50/50. That is when she would lose "control".

My ex left in 2007. The boys were 4.5 and 8.5 at the time. She used serious alienation tactics against me with the boys. She dropped the boys off a few months after she left. They walked into the house an din unison said, "We hate you. We want to live with mom and never want to see you again." I found a therapist to get my bearings, I read Divorce Poison and various books on BPD.

Today our S15 wants to live with me and doesn't get along with his mom at all. Our S10 is pretty much doing what his older brother did at that age. He is keeping his distance from his mom in order to protect himself. My ex doesn't like having to deal with the kids expressing themselves unless it is exactly what she thinks. Since her thinking is based on her feelings at a particular time they can not think like her. This causes problems for her and she quickly puts the blame on them. They have experienced it enough and have developed their own coping mechanisms when dealing with their mom. I listen to them and help guide them: school, home, etc. They have learned who they can trust and have responded accordingly. It does get better. In fact, I honestly believe the boys and I have a much better relationship because of all of this. I would never had said that several years ago.

[arn131arn]

My son is 8.

When he was born, my relationship with his mom began to die. Not anything he did at all, but that is when she began to enmesh him. They slept together almost every night until she left the home early Sept 2013. She also bathed with him daily up until that time, as well. Although I am no longer there, I doubt that behavior has changed since her leaving.

It used to be her and him. All the time. Other mothers would comment about her being soo overprotective and she ate it up, like that was a good quality to have as a mother. She would become distant/ rage/ jealous if I wanted to do something with my son (batting cage, movie, zoo), and every time it would start a fight big enough I just backed down and didn't go. So, in 8 yrs, I can say I have never done a single thing with my son until the time I received by the court.

Now all that has changed considerably since the replacement. She pawns him off to family and friends to go off with him and has been neglecting him for sure. When he's with me he doesn't want to leave. I know it's hurting him, but I hope it is nothing permanent. I will be his rock.

I just know it's NOT going to be easy at all, ya'll. 2 false restraining orders that cost me 3k to defend since January. They were both denied, but that should show you what I'm dealing with! But I will send the email and see what happens.

Thanks allot,

Arn

[david]

My ex filed three protection orders against me. Two she got and one was dismissed. Later she filed assault charges. I was tried for assault as a misdemeanor. I was convicted of disorderly conduct as a summary offense. I went to jail for two weeks because of that. When I got out I purchased an audio recorder and a video recorder. I never go anywhere without them. The judge told her to stay away from me. She tried several times after that to approach me. I pointed the camera at her and she turned around and walked away. It took a while but she doesn't come near me anymore.

The fact she filed two restraining orders means she will not hesitate if she has the chance to do it again. Be very careful.

I received a nasty email today. She left over 6 years ago. Once the replacement is gone she will be back. You can count on it. Strong boundaries and do what is best for your son.

[arn131arn]

Well, my emailed has been ignored. Bc I am painted black it looks like there will be no co parenting going on here and my son will not be able to tryout for the little league al star team.

This is going to be difficult. She is going to need me before I need her and whether right, wrong, or indifferent,it's going to be difficult not to keep score in the future