I Messed Up

[pwilcox]

Hi, I'm new, and I've written an intro providing a bit of history regarding my life with my BPDw. Feel free to read it to gain some background info on what I'm going to say.

A few months ago I got sick of all the stuff I was going through with my wife. To top it off she kept calling me an ass in front of our three kids. Finally, she did it one last time and I snapped. I told her I felt like I was getting nothing out of the marriage anymore and that I wanted a divorce. She panicked almost immediately and said she was planning to start being nice to me but hadn't gotten around to it because of the stress of school. In fact, she had a total breakdown in the days that followed, begging with me to take her back. In fact, she said all the right things, and she really convinced me that she had had an epiphany of sorts. She admitted all sorts of wrongdoing and nonsense and seemed to be having genuine insight. Her breakdown really surprised me because she had told me over and over again in fits of anger that she was leaving me after she had finished school and I had exhausted my utility. But I said, "When I say it, unlike you, I have to mean it." But after two weeks of begging, I relented. I realized that I loved her very much. I realized our three kids would suffer deeply if we divorced, especially our oldest, who may have BPD himself, and doesn't need abandonment issues with his dad. I also realized that I just wouldn't know what to do with myself without her (for reasons I discussed in my intro). So I took her back. We had the most amazing sex of our marriage, and then she totally cooled off. Within a matter of days she said she said I had abused her our whole marriage and needed time to heal. Since then it has gone from bad to worse. She says now she's sure she wants a divorce.

This time it feels real. Before she would say she wanted a divorce in a fit of rage, then not mention it again until her next episode weeks later. This time she has steadily wanted a divorce for the past couple of months, and I'm starting to believe her now when she says she doesn't love me anymore. I realize I have probably committed the unforgivable offense in her eyes: I abandoned her. It's like she's done with me and seeking out her next victim. My question is, is there any coming back from this? Or is it really over? I am deeply committed family man and I can't even imagine losing it all.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[bruceli]

Hi, I'm new, and I've written an intro providing a bit of history regarding my life with my BPDw. Feel free to read it to gain some background info on what I'm going to say.

A few months ago I got sick of all the stuff I was going through with my wife. To top it off she kept calling me an ass in front of our three kids. Finally, she did it one last time and I snapped. I told her I felt like I was getting nothing out of the marriage anymore and that I wanted a divorce. She panicked almost immediately and said she was planning to start being nice to me but hadn't gotten around to it because of the stress of school. In fact, she had a total breakdown in the days that followed, begging with me to take her back. In fact, she said all the right things, and she really convinced me that she had had an epiphany of sorts. She admitted all sorts of wrongdoing and nonsense and seemed to be having genuine insight. Her breakdown really surprised me because she had told me over and over again in fits of anger that she was leaving me after she had finished school and I had exhausted my utility. But I said, "When I say it, unlike you, I have to mean it." But after two weeks of begging, I relented. I realized that I loved her very much. I realized our three kids would suffer deeply if we divorced, especially our oldest, who may have BPD himself, and doesn't need abandonment issues with his dad. I also realized that I just wouldn't know what to do with myself without her (for reasons I discussed in my intro). So I took her back. We had the most amazing sex of our marriage, and then she totally cooled off. Within a matter of days she said she said I had abused her our whole marriage and needed time to heal. Since then it has gone from bad to worse. She says now she's sure she wants a divorce.

This time it feels real. Before she would say she wanted a divorce in a fit of rage, then not mention it again until her next episode weeks later. This time she has steadily wanted a divorce for the past couple of months, and I'm starting to believe her now when she says she doesn't love me anymore. I realize I have probably committed the unforgivable offense in her eyes: I abandoned her. It's like she's done with me and seeking out her next victim. My question is, is there any coming back from this? Or is it really over? I am deeply committed family man and I can't even imagine losing it all.

LMAO... . she'll get around to it when she's not too busy.  WOW!

[an0ught]

Hi pwilcox

welcome to the world of push-pull. You leaving her is unthinkable but she of course can turn around and think about it once the risk of you leaving has been contained. Makes no sense but that is BPD. How serious she is is not so clear as the relationship has been going on for some time and there are several kids.

She is not loving you anymore - this is almost normal in a relationship in this phase. Telling her that it is tough, odd feeling, relationship in a different phase etc. could be validating (you know best what she feels). You telling her that you love her should not be done too often as it may well be invalidating.

I realize I have probably committed the unforgivable offense in her eyes:

yeah, abandonment is not taken lightly by anyone. Consider ways of validating this fear.

I am deeply committed family man and I can't even imagine losing it all.

And that is also the button to press to get an emotional reaction from you.

[pwilcox]

You telling her that you love her should not be done too often as it may well be invalidating.

Can you or someone else expand on that statement as it seems somewhat counterintuitive. Personal experience has shown me however that telling my BPDw that I love her doesn't seem to help at all. I'm also realizing that "validation" is the key word in dealing with someone with BPD.

[an0ught]

You telling her that you love her should not be done too often as it may well be invalidating.

Can you or someone else expand on that statement as it seems somewhat counterintuitive. Personal experience has shown me however that telling my BPDw that I love her doesn't seem to help at all. I'm also realizing that "validation" is the key word in dealing with someone with BPD.

It is good that you have some awareness that what you are doing is not working. That is a tremendous help tuning your approach.

Validating negative emotions sometimes feels counterintuitive.

Can you take a look at the table in this post here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=221022.msg12408816#msg12408816

Is it clearer? Is it more confusing? Where exactly is it less clear?

[Love Is Not Enough]

You telling her that you love her should not be done too often as it may well be invalidating.

Can you or someone else expand on that statement as it seems somewhat counterintuitive. Personal experience has shown me however that telling my BPDw that I love her doesn't seem to help at all. I'm also realizing that "validation" is the key word in dealing with someone with BPD.

You've got it. You also want to validate their emotions and not necessarily their actions. It's about how she "feels" about getting divorced, not actually going through with it. Your normal reaction would be to get very defensive and argue or try to JADE your way out of her wanting to get a divorce. This will not work and and will end up backfiring on you. Try and remove your emotions from it (detach) and put yourself in her shoes. Think about how terrified she must be that she is willing to be alone to end the relationship. Instead of trying to use reason to get her to stay, just simply say you understand how she feels and that many people go through periods of feeling the same way. This will build intimacy with you and draw her closer to you. It is all very counter-intuitive, but it does work. Keep reading the lessons on here until they sink in. I have seen a lot of improvement in my relationship in the last six months. SET is a live saver.

Be confident in yourself and set boundaries. Being the best you possible and setting an example for her to follow will help also. Do not get sucked into the drama and stay calm. It is a hard road, but you can make improvements. Most of all, keep coming back here for support.

[Mike_confused]

Oh she will snap back from it when she feels like it.   I would bet the farm.   my BPDw did the same thing.   Said it wasn't working and that she wanted a divorce.  I calmly responded OK, then packed my crap and left inside of 30 minutes.

She had a full on meltdown.  I had no contact for over 2 months.   She finally got me to see her.  I informed her that if she ever made a statement about wanting a divorce again, she had better damn well mean it because that was what she would get.