Not taking the bait and other lessons really can help

[zaqsert]

It's been some time since I was really active here.  Many, many, many thanks to so many of you who have been helping me along my journey.  And sorry I'm not around much to offer support to others right now.  I'm spending more of my time in other areas of my life that I need to right now.

But I wanted to drop by and share a recent story that may offer some hope to others who are struggling.

I learned about BPD right around the beginning of 2013.  I went through all the lessons and tried to apply them whenever I could.  Much of the first year was rough.  But then every so often, I would notice something changing -- fewer rages from my uBPDw, shorter rages, my own ability to gradually accept more and more (as in radically accept, not put up with abuse).  As these things started to change, I started to feel more grounded.  My own T definitely helped too.  As I felt more grounded, it was easier to put lessons into practice.

So just recently, our DD3 got dysregulated at bedtime.  I think it was a combination of things.  My wife told DD3 to stop whining.  I pointed out that she is upset (it sounded more like crying than whining to me) and that the request may be a difficult one.  She was annoyed, and soon after went to bed, as she often does.  I stayed with DD3, hoping to let her work through her emotions and go to sleep.  After a while, she said she wanted to come sleep with us instead.  I gave her the usual "sleep, not play" condition, we agreed, and I brought her into our bed.

As soon as we got there, my wife said "you told her she has to stop whining, right?"  I replied with "I told her she needs to sleep."  Soon, all three of us laid down.  But DD3 kept crying on and off.  I stayed there next to her.

After a short while my wife sat up and told DD3 to stop whining.  I stayed focused on DD3 and ignored her request.  Very soon after, she said to me sarcastically "Gee, thanks, it great to feel so supported!"  I ignored the comment and stayed with DD3.  Next was an equally sarcastic and snarky comment about not being a team.  I did not take the bait.  In the past, these things would have escalated to all-out nasty name-calling and verbal abuse.

This time?  Within about a minute, my wife layed back down and started to be nice and comforting towards DD3, and even spoke normally to me when she did.

After a little while, DD3 calmed down, and we all fell asleep.  My uBPDw has not mentioned a word about it.

Keep working on the lessons, and keep working on yourself.  These things really can help. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[ziniztar]

But I wanted to drop by and share a recent story that may offer some hope to others who are struggling.

... .

Keep working on the lessons, and keep working on yourself.  These things really can help. 

Thanks for sharing your story with us. That too, helps. I'm glad to hear things have worked out for you and that your hard work has payed off. 

[zaqsert]

Thanks for sharing your story with us. That too, helps. I'm glad to hear things have worked out for you and that your hard work has payed off. 

Thanks!

I should point out too that it continues to be a process.  There are lots of reasons why I did not post this in the "Success Stories" thread at the top.  There continue to be ups and downs, and days/weeks/longer when I really don't know if we will make it.  But overall, along the way, I feel more grounded and confident that whatever happens, I will be ok, can offer a mostly solid foundation to raise DD3, and can be there for her.  I can also be there for my wife when she needs me and treats me respectfully.  Then there's also the benefit of seeing my wife gradually figure out better and faster ways to deal with her negative emotions -- since they are her emotions and responses, not mine to fix.

[ziniztar]

I think it's healthy to see those are emotions that are not yours to fix, but hers. I am in the fortunate position that my dBPDbf acknowledges his diagnose and actively seeks treatment every week. That helps, too.

I hope some day you will feel positive enough to post on the Success Stories thread. Both of us  .

[pwilcox]

I'm diagnosed bipolar II, and that's a helluva bad combination of disorders with my uBPDw. I find the more I can stay centered and eliminate anger from my life, the smoother things go. It's unfortunate and daunting that the burden rests entirely on me, but being as stable and consistent and composed and assertive and gentle as you can be (good lord, what a balancing act), while not coming across as patronizing *deep breath* really does help the situation.

[yeeter]

Thanks for the sharing!  Well done.   

The hardest ones to ignore are the jabs that hit at something that is an underlying core value of yours.  I get the snarky lack of support comments.  They are hard because I value working as a team and respecting each others positions as parents.  But have learned to hold my own ground/opinion more, which has helped (but indeed comes at the price of some verbal darts that have to be managed)

A great lesson in the application of the tools here.  (and if you can naturally work in some validation of your wifes feelings its good - usually for me these cant be done in the moment, but can be noted and then validated at some other time when things are calmer for her)

[zaqsert]

I hope some day you will feel positive enough to post on the Success Stories thread. Both of us  .

Thanks.  I hope so too for lots and lots of us! 

[zaqsert]

I'm diagnosed bipolar II, and that's a helluva bad combination of disorders with my uBPDw. I find the more I can stay centered and eliminate anger from my life, the smoother things go. It's unfortunate and daunting that the burden rests entirely on me, but being as stable and consistent and composed and assertive and gentle as you can be (good lord, what a balancing act), while not coming across as patronizing *deep breath* really does help the situation.

While it can be daunting to have this burden, it's very helpful that you realize you are more likely to be able to do this than your wife.  It's also great that you are aware of the balancing needed, and it seems you are able to strike that balance!

[zaqsert]

Hi yeeter!  And thanks!

(and if you can naturally work in some validation of your wifes feelings its good - usually for me these cant be done in the moment, but can be noted and then validated at some other time when things are calmer for her)

That's a really good suggestion.  I feel I'm getting better at validation and the timing of when to validate with my DD3.  But I still struggle with my wife.  I think validation with her is helping to some extent when she is not dysregulated.  I'm not entirely sure, but I think so.  By the time she is dysregulated (in the moment) it seems not to help, and at times it may even make things worse.

Noting it and then validating at some other time when things are calmer for her seems well worth trying.  I typically don't try this because she tends not to want to revisit any of her dysregulated moments, and she tends either to apparently forget them or be triggered all over again by the reminder of it.  But I suppose if I approach it as simply a validating comment, hopefully it would be less likely for my comment to come across as an attack over an event that she may already feel bad about.

[waverider]

 But have learned to hold my own ground/opinion more, which has helped (but indeed comes at the price of some verbal darts that have to be managed)

This is part of the evolution of dealing with this. As your management skills improve you find you fear less the consequences of an episode, you understand it, you can minimize it and repair it afterwards. Add to this you can probably handle conflict in a more centered way, so you are no longer as afraid of potential conflict.

This is in effect a measure of our own personal progress.

I believe there are three paths of dealing with eggshells. You can tiptoe, avoid them completely or sometimes just stamp right on through without fearing the consequences. Sometimes I feel I do the latter just to prove to myself I have the choice and I am doing whatever option out of choice and not just fear of the alternatives.

It is also a sign of normalization. Normal people have head to heads now and then. It can be taken as a sign of you being more comfortable with your actions.

By learning the mechanisms we can learn to let our anger out at times without ourselves becoming dysregulated, which is often what used to happen and we would loose all the moral ground.

[Chosen]

Hi zaqsert,

Well done and thanks for sharing your story.  I, too, have been on here less (although I still check in from time to time), but that simply means the tools have been working, and to some extent I have been able to use them on a daily basis, so much so that some tools (like realising it's a bait and refusing to take it- disengaging before conflicts begin) have become quite natural to use.

So yes, I'd like to add to your post that the tools do work!  It's important to hear stories like yours, particularly for those who are just starting on this journey.  I remember when I first came here it didn't seem like things would ever improve... . it was these stories that gave me hope that perhaps I could make it work too.

[zaqsert]

Hi Chosen,

Glad to hear you have been doing better!

I remember it helped me too to see common threads in what others had gone through that seemed similar to what I was going through, and that they were able to improve their situations.  It helped to see that such a thing could be achievable.

Keep up your good work too!