I'm Emotionless and un-caring?

[reluctanthusband]

So the other day I told my u/d?BPDW that I was not going to be afraid of her leaving, because ultimately it is her choice.  If she want to have a scortched earth policy then so be it, it will happen regardless so made her make the move.  I had finally given up trying to keep her in the house when she is having a fit and wants to leave.  I didn't want her leave and drive angry and hurt someone or break the car.  I also have given up about her not making any sense when she is trying to explain how she feels about a certain situation. 

This is how it has gone for 13+ years:

-She says I feel/believe XYZ

-I say What? Because I dont see it her way, because I am a rational person

-She says that I am not protecting her/loving her

-I JADE and we go round and round

So I have been trying to use the SET technique, but have been not making any progress.  So I have been having to bite my tounge and be stone faced because I CAN't agree with her with out feeding the crazy feeling.  And I can't voice my opinion/feelings because they fly almost directly in the face of what she is saying.  So now I am uncaring and emotionless.  How do I work this out in my head without loosing my mind? validating her feelings means I have to agree with her.  I don't know what to do.  She keeps telling me that I have no emotions when in fact I do I am just better at being able to control them.  But If I say that, I am saying that she is crazy... . Which is how I feel about her alot of the time.   

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[martillo]

You don't have to agree with her feelings - you have to accept her feelings because her feelings, no matter how contorted or wrong you think they may be are still her feelings - Just read in another post - to say just that "I accept that you feel that way."  I have studied validation quite a lot but still have a hard time putting it in play so that was an eye opening statement for me!

[reluctanthusband]

The major issue I have is she wants me to change my belief in somthing.  She wants me to be mad at a person and our(Mine now) Church.  I can accept that she feels that way.  I get that part, but if I dont walk that out with her as in running away from my church and a person I have alot of respect for that has been in our life for almost 4 years(And told me not to divorce my wife) she automatically invalidates my perspective by saying that I am taking their side and that I hate her.  How do I navigate that?

[martillo]

That is tough - UBPDh and I had a couple who were our best "couple" friends.  H got crossways w couple H and forbid me to continue friendship w couple wife.  It was quite a blow a and a challenge but I did And still continue friendship. 

H also gets angry and blames me for the disintegration of our marriage because I don't go to "his" church-he only goes occasionally to his church and I am active in attending and volunteering at "my" church.  My belief is that my relationship w my H should not impact my relationship w God but my relationship w God has an enormous (positive) impact on my relationship w H.  (shrugs shoulders... . ).  H just has to deal w it.

[an0ught]

Hi reluctanthusband,

The major issue I have is she wants me to change my belief in somthing.  She wants me to be mad at a person and our(Mine now) Church.  I can accept that she feels that way.  I get that part, but if I dont walk that out with her as in running away from my church and a person I have alot of respect for that has been in our life for almost 4 years(And told me not to divorce my wife) she automatically invalidates my perspective by saying that I am taking their side and that I hate her.  How do I navigate that?

disagreement=abandonment

tough to handle your wife. At the moment she can't tolerate a different mental model in your head than in hers. That is a sign of enmeshment. Consistent work on boundaries as described in the workshops will make you as a close person thinking differently less triggering and problematic for her. Until then validate and if she is getting too persistent walk away with a time-out. Both actions will help.

You are not uncaring but she may well feel so and is totally upset about you not getting her point. Can be all validated as it is what she truly believes.

As you indicated hating people you don't hate just because she feels so is obviously not a solution. No point of arguing that in most cases,

a0