An escape from this reality from my BPDw?

[Samuel S.]

I have done the validating with my BPDw. I realize she has her problems. I have given her space so that she is happy along with her being so very busy with school and work. I realize I have my own. While I have been happy giving and helping by doing my own thing, the last couple of days, I have been okay on the outside by doing what I have been doing, but I feel pretty lonely and out of it. Tomorrow, I am going to do some personal things that I enjoy, like getting together with some friends out of town, but I realize that it is just an escape from this reality from my BPDw? Any thoughts?

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[MyGreatEscape]

Hi Samuel S... .

I've only seen a couple of your posts... . my internet is being wonky so I wasn't able to go back and see old posts to figure out what situation you're in with your wife... . but it seems that you are married but basically living separate lives?

That has to be extremely tough. I commend you for sticking with her while she is off sort of "finding herself"... . but... . what about you?

It's awesome that you have plans to see friends and staying active... . but how long can you pull this off? Of course you are going to feel lonely inside! We little humans thrive off of contact and socialization... . we NEED to be validated, loved, held, needed, wanted... . and you are feeling the (normal) effects of not getting that from her... . while you, on the other hand, are being VERY hands-off and "understanding" of her needs. You aren't "escaping"... . you are trying to survive the way a normal, vital human being NEEDS to.

Giving someone space doesn't mean being disregarded until they have time to deal with you... . you deserve some validation and depth here... .

[Samuel S.]

Thank you for validating me, MyGreatEscape! I truly do appreciate it a lot! Your words aptly describe what is going on here and how I am feeling. I have felt disregarded a lot of the time with very little exchange, something called a marriage.

Yeah, I do meet friends, teach and tutor part-time, give workshops, and write and publish books to help others, seeing that I am a giver. I have given freely of myself to my BPDw completely before and now, only to be previously manipulated and verbally abused. Now, she does not do that, because she is happy "finding herself", as you aptly describe it.

As for how long can I continue like this, for a long time, I was suffering. Then, going through these lessons have helped, although she freely admits she has gone from one extreme of loving others and then herself to the max to the other extreme of loving herself to the max only. She has not found how to compromise.

[MyGreatEscape]

Well, she must not love herself THAT much to stay in such a state of ambiguous nonsense... .

So, too bad for her then... . her loss. For all her unwillingness to compromise... . she's the one really losing. 

Just don't lose yourself and your need for real (in-person) companionship while waiting for her to change... . (virtually, we're all on your side here!  )

[Samuel S.]

I agree with you completely! My BPDw is just like a kid who has never had any cookies previously. Then, she gets her hands on one and selfishly eats all of them without any consideration of the others around her.

That's very good advice about not losing myself. I tend to do that easily not only personally, but professionally. I must admit that professionally, that actually has resulted in some honors for me in the past and presently.

Indeed, you, I, and, everyone else need real companionship, and I am not waiting for her to realize how selfish she is, although I have been tempted by one young lady a couple of years ago; however, my FOG is always there, and I won't make a bad situation worse.

So, what about you, MyGreatEscape? What has landed you here on the staying board? How do you handle your BPDh? What do you do not to lose yourself, or how do you focus on people who are better than he is?

[Samuel S.]

My BPDw tried to aggravate me tonight by saying I should have saved money as the years went by after both my parents passed away, and I got a sizeable inheritance. In this way, I could have enough money saved for a car and some trips. The only problem is that she wanted this and that like our condo, its renovations, its additions, giving some sizeable loans to a friend of hers that was never paid back, paying for her counseling, and paying for her father's medical bills after he passed some years ago, all of which I paid for in full, while she would tell me to save money. There were times when I said that we need to be careful how we spend my money, but she was very persuasive in order to get her way.

Well, instead of responding negatively tonight, I just let her complain. I have tried too many times to make her realize that there again was not too much compromise with her with my money that I brought into the marriage. To become angry with her will only aggravate a situation that much more so. It becomes a no win battle that I prefer not to involve myself in.

[MyGreatEscape]

Well hello again!

Yes, I think as time goes on, some are definitely tempted to stray with other people... . but yeah, it could just make things worse. I don't see myself doing anything like that due to promises I have made myself and lots of things that have gotten me where I am... . but I won't lie and say it will never cross my mind if he keeps up his antics. But I will divorce him first before ever going there myself... . I don't blame anyone else for doing it though... . which may be awful to say, but I get it.

What brings me here is much like what brings everyone... . I needed answers from real people who are dealing with this... . not just textbook accounts or stories that could be a made-up case history.

My husband can be my perfect match... . but then there's the BPD side... . a roller coaster nightmare. I just came to the staying board after being on the undecided board a while... . but I still feel, I dunno, like I could blow a gasket and just leave at any time now.

I actually got yelled at last night for something really stupid and I was ready to bolt. He has a snoring problem... . which we know is caused 100% by him either eating too much at dinner, or snacking after dinner. He is also battling with his weight... . so, doesn't the answer seem simple? Stop eating too much, lose weight, wife sleeps. Uh, no. He ate too much at dinner AND snacked last night. I jokingly said something to the effect of, "I guess you don't want to sleep with your wife tonight... . "

World War 3.

I was blamed for his weight problem (I'm not "sweet enough with my suggestions," for his snoring, AND that I am "trying to control him by taking away his snacking privileges!"

Uh, say what? I'm sure you can imagine where that argument could head. Nowhere fast.

I was so ready to leave... . I had to work to stay calm... . I was just so dumbfounded that I was really being yelled at for that... . like I should be surprised though, really.

I am actually a psych student (hilarious, I know) and had read in books alllll about people like him... . had never experienced one first hand though... . so when his behavior started (about one month after I moved in with him - with my kids and his), I was floored. And stuck. So I tried everything.

I finally started scouring the internet (and my school resources) and happened across this board... . it's awesome. I have found more solace here than anywhere else.

I was losing myself a few months back... . weird as it may sound (I don't know what your beliefs are on this) but I think my Mom (who is deceased) kind of... . guided me back. I kept getting little clues, dreams... . anyway... . something snapped me out of it is the end result. I focus on the kids, finishing my degree and I do a lot of art when I can.

I laughed when I read your second post about saving money. Good gravy, are they all the same person? My husband complains about saving or how I supposedly buy too much kleenex... . ("Look at all that MONEY sitting up in the cabinet!" then we suddenly have extra money when he wants to go randomly buy a $400 metal detector or something. So weird. I don't get it.

It sounds like you defused her quite well... . good job. Ah, what we do to keep these children in line... .

MY COOKIES!

Hahaha... .

[Samuel S.]

I too have a snoring problem, but I said way back when, that my BPDw should consider sleeping elsewhere. We have another bedroom for her that she uses. She was shocked, because her first husband demanded that she sleep with him. I don't have a weight issue, but I just have a healthy snoring issue. I have been tested already.

Frankly, I think BPDs cannot be really happy, because they cause chaos due to their past and their pure frustrations, whatever they may consist of. I also frankly believe they are testing us to see how much we can tolerate, because they are mentally kids who have never grown up. It's like we nonBPDs are their parents, like transactional analysis of way back when, with parent, adult, and child roles and relationships.

[MyGreatEscape]

Absolutely, I totally agree... . mine had a terrible upbringing with a really horrible excuse for a mother (and a yellow-spined, repeat-cheater for a father to boot)... . and every woman that's come into his life has paid ever since.

I've actually been told by him that I'm "just like every other woman"... . no, I most certainly am not in soo many ways, and he knows it... . just the BPD stupidity kicking in, lashing out at whomever is available... . which is usually me.

Funny that you worded that so perfectly too... . I've told him that it's felt like I am an outlet for him replaying/repeating the past with his mom or other women... . trying over and over to get it right.

He fails to see that rages and accusations will never help get anything right... . but he's so immature and frustrated with himself and life that he has no control over anything... . most of all, his emotions. Poor things. Poor, miserable, exhausting things... .

And so here we are, trying possibly in vain to see if anything ever changes... .

[Samuel S.]

Projecting onto you is an unfair situation, to say the least. His past, he did not have any control of. He does have control of what he is doing now for himself, for you, and for others. Every day is a new beginning. Every day is filled with hope. He is like a mouse on a wheel with him running and getting nowhere fast. How you handle him and keep your sanity is amazing. Rages and accusations by him, no matter how understanding and how validating you are, must wear you down.

Even with me validating my BPDw, she still wears me down oftentimes. The worst of her accusations were within the last couple of years. I was in the hospital 3 times due to blood clot issues for a total of 20 days. She had the audacity to come to my hospital bed saying that I should not be there, that it was going to cost a lot of money. BTW, I have 3 insurance policies, and we paid nothing. She also had the audacity to tell me when I was whiplashed, that I had a bad attitude and that I caused the accident. HUH? She told me also that she has been pretending all her life, including when she married me. The last, horrible example was the clincher. She told me that during intimacy, she felt she was my daughter. Turn off big time! We haven't been intimate since.

When she has said all of this S***, there have been times when I have ignored her, but there have been times when I really have expressed being bitter with her outrageous accusations. To say the least, even with all the validations and even with slight and emphatic digs, it is really hard to trust her at all. 

So, off she goes her merry way to college and to work, and off I go focusing on the positive aspects of life, encouraging, and praising people.

[MyGreatEscape]

I think we have officially "hijacked" this post, Samuel S.!

I absolutely get worn down, I snap, I cry. But yeah, I guess I'm sane (scratching head, wondering... . ).

Haha.

I've always been this way though... . not a whole lot brings me down for long. I've watched most of my family die, seen some stuff most people will never see, and have gone through The Big C treatment... . and I'm still here - chasing dragonflies, smelling flowers and finishing my degree, finally!

I'm sticking this out because I think things happen for a reason... . he is part of my path, no doubt. I wouldn't change anything, but it would be nice knowing the future holds more stability with him... . or I will be gone the second this degree allows me to get a job. 

Now... . all that drama in the hospital. What. The. Fudge. Seriously? You must have nerves of steel (I assume you are all A-okay from whatever happened... . ?). I've had my h say a few similar things to me... . and those are not things I care to forgive him for, he doesn't deserve to be forgiven for being that crude. And neither doe she. How they can run their mouths the way they do is astounding to me. He is being beezatch-slapped in therapy for his nasty words toward me (the T gets very snappy about that kind of thing), so I 'm am hanging on, seeing where this goes.

So what do you do... . stay in a non-intimate relationship? I haven't seen a lot of posts on that... . is that too personal?

[Samuel S.]

I am sorry for your losses, and I am sorry you have had the Big C. Now, you have your BPDh being another part of your path, your test, if you will. Let's hope and pray his T will get to the root of his issues. Otherwise, as you say, you will be gone. Yours and mine are truly all alone in their emotional turmoil, and they only connect with us with the need to bond and to take out their aggressions.

I applaud you for focusing on the positive and pursuing your degree! That's awesome! Keep on keeping on!

I forgot to mention that while I was in the hospital when she said that, I reacted by not looking at her. After she left, a nurse came in, and I bawled like a baby while she held my hands. After explaining a lot to her for darn near 15 minutes, she referred me to a social worker whom I saw the next day. He too could not believe how she could be that way and encouraged me to get counseling. I did that for a while, and it seemed to help for a while. Then, my counselor went on vacation and has not been in touch with me. Also, a dear teacher friend of mine who still teaches took time off from school to visit me, hugged me, and listened to me. Another friend of mine came to visit me as well.

Yeah, I cannot forgive or trust her.

As far as the intimacy issue is concerned, I don't want to do that until she fully apologizes which she hasn't done, and that was 6 years ago. Also, beyond the physical component, emotional intimacy is virtually non-existent, because she is so busy.

So, like you, I focus on the positive by helping others, staying connected with friends and family, giving workshops, teaching, and tutoring. I believe in their humanity much more than my BPDw.

[MyGreatEscape]

Ah, yes, this is all a test, for sure.

And it's not about knowing all the answers... . true discovery is about knowing the right questions!



I'm just wondering, though... . is there extra credit, and does dealing with someone with BPD give us *bonus* points... . ? (you've earned yours too... . )

((hug))

[Samuel S.]

We certainly don't earn extra credit or a bonus from them, but we do earn it by how we treat ourselves positively and how we interact with others positively.

I frankly believe that my BPDw is threatened and/or jealous of me. I relate very well to people, which is exactly how I met her. I had a very successful career of helping more than teaching. I have written and published now 4 books, 3 on education and 1 sci-fi: none of which are selling much at all, but the ones that do have my books have gained from them. I have more books coming, but I wouldn't do much of that so that she and I could have a personal, ideal marriage which she so aptly emphasized early on in our relationship and in our marriage, until she did a complete 180!

You've got my hugs, too! 

[Moselle]

I too have a snoring problem, but I said way back when, that my BPDw should consider sleeping elsewhere. We have another bedroom for her that she uses. She was shocked, because her first husband demanded that she sleep with him. I don't have a weight issue, but I just have a healthy snoring issue. I have been tested already.

Frankly, I think BPDs cannot be really happy, because they cause chaos due to their past and their pure frustrations, whatever they may consist of. I also frankly believe they are testing us to see how much we can tolerate, because they are mentally kids who have never grown up. It's like we nonBPDs are their parents, like transactional analysis of way back when, with parent, adult, and child roles and relationships.

Samuel S, this struck home to me in a big way. It's lonely because it is like living with an extra child.  I was even taken aside by my separated uBPDw's father and told, "Stop thinking that you are equal to your wife. You are up here and she is more like a child. You protect her from the world, she has had a protected life" I almost fell off my chair and realised that she was bred to be a BPD wife, from very young by these parents. No wonder she has problems because she was taught this stuff.