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Author Topic: Is this possible for a BPD?  (Read 366 times)
LuckyNicki
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« on: March 22, 2014, 05:03:42 PM »

Is it possible for a BPD to be aware of what they have but not tell anyone about it.  They go about life accepting what they have without getting treatment or going to therapy.  

Is it possible for them to have long term relationships while hiding this disorder and just try to avoid triggers?

I suspect my ex may be that kind of individual. 
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« Reply #1 on: March 22, 2014, 05:39:06 PM »

Is it possible for a BPD to be aware of what they have but not tell anyone about it.  They go about life accepting what they have without getting treatment or going to therapy.  

Is it possible for them to have long term relationships while hiding this disorder and just try to avoid triggers?

I suspect my ex may be that kind of individual. 

a few months before mine left,  she's told me that she knew she was sick. I  never used that word.  She pent a month or so researching in the internet,  finally diagnosing herself with some kind of attachment disorder. I  looked through the undergrad psych book she was looking at and there was only a single sentence mentioning  BPD by name.  do I think she shared this with anyone else?  No.  She later said she had to leave since she felt I  was throwing it in her face.  pretty much realizing that I  was the number one trigger in her life,  so she removed herself from the source.  Yet she continues her behavior away from me.  the few friends she had enabling her.  her Narc traits celebrating her new relationship all over FB,  though she doesn't realize most people see through it.  this when her r/s  implodes,  she won't realize that she telegraphed her dysfunction to the entire world.  it's sad really.   
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« Reply #2 on: March 22, 2014, 05:49:17 PM »

Hi LuckyNicki,

Is it possible for them to have long term relationships while hiding this disorder and just try to avoid triggers?

that would be unusual since what you describe is a way to manage deliberately your own emotions. Most pwBPD are not good at self management of their emotions unless they went through a DBT training or other targeted therapy.

What makes you say she hides it and avoids triggers? It that now not working anymore?
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LuckyNicki
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« Reply #3 on: March 22, 2014, 06:25:50 PM »

Hi LuckyNicki,

Is it possible for them to have long term relationships while hiding this disorder and just try to avoid triggers?

that would be unusual since what you describe is a way to manage deliberately your own emotions. Most pwBPD are not good at self management of their emotions unless they went through a DBT training or other targeted therapy.

What makes you say she hides it and avoids triggers? It that now not working anymore?

I'm not 100% sure if she knows shes BPD and hides it but I suspect she definitely knows something about herself (that could not be BPD).  

During our honeymoon stages, we did run into one conflict.  And immediately after she went running.  Then everything after that was fine again.  

I say the reason why it didn't work anymore after that is because we ran into so more boundary issues which I suspect just made her started talking to the ex.  Although she kept stringing me along after that while building with the ex - very likely to make sure she can secure him first.  

Going running may be one of her ways to cope with the triggers.  And it may be something she can use when these triggers occur.  

This ex of hers may be be more suitable for her logistically and for survival (yeah i know, i can't believe im saying this) because she already has strong rapport with the family and marriage can be expedited and be more realistic for her, whereas with my family she'd have to start over  - and they'll be protective of me if I were to want to get married so quickly.  It would be a huge obstacle for her.  This girl wants to marry asap for several reasons, some logical and some very illogical.

Overall what I'm saying is that I think she may have her own ways to cope (running etc, i do suspect she drinks everyday - has drank every time I've been with her).  I'm not certain if this coping works 100%.  But when she "gives up" or has other ex's, she may not fight hard to cope with those triggers and then the episodes comes out - impulsivity.

When those conflicts continue and I'd try to resolve them, it makes our conversation very serious every time and confrontational (more possible triggers).  While, the other ex is having a happy light hearted convo with her, which attracts her more.

I suspect this because that was me when i think she was stringing another ex (yes a different one ) along during our honeymoon phase.      

So I'm thinking if she does secure this ex (marriage) or what not, she may use her coping techniques (running etc) as she did with me at the height of our relationship.

Thoughts please?  


Oh btw, I know she went to therapy awhile ago  for a a couple of years due to some very traumatic experience - THIS is also why I suspect she may know something.   

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« Reply #4 on: March 22, 2014, 08:18:17 PM »

Hi

I believe that they can but thats because my ex story supports this possibility

Ill tell you mine if it helps

My ex had a masters in psychology and was a counselor.

He had alot of books that related to issues that BPD people suffer including books on BPD

He told me that they were for work interests but i know that they were personal too. He allowed me to look through his books and one day when i was looking thru i found his own personal journaling in one of them on some pieces of paper .  Honestly i did not read them.  I noticed though at first glance and judged by the handwriting he was not in a good space.  It was barely legible.

Our relationship was three years of trying to work with the issues with sometimes some breakthroughs but in the end we are apart

I knew something was very wrong as the behaviors were as we all discuss on here and what i have read about since

I did not suspect BPD, i never researched it then

I did research Narcissism.  He claimed to have these traits. But I also experienced things with him that didnt support that fully

I asked him gently a few times what goes on for him because i knew he wasnt disclosing everything

One morning he woke me up very early and asked me if i could trust him... . He said "if i tell you something about myself can i trust you not to go into fear or tell people?" I told him that i could not promise to not tell anyone if i went into fear  but if i did it would be my T to process it.

Then he said nothing all day.  When i asked him what he was talking about he kinda gave me an excuse that it was just in case anything ever came up.

He was in therapy... . He was doing alot of trauma work from his childhood including EMDR.

He was also an alcoholic and actively drinking.  It was getting so much worse near the end when we broke up.

With all of the confusion in our relationship and the unanswered questions in my head about everything. i feel that this was the missing piece i never figured out.  
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LuckyNicki
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« Reply #5 on: March 22, 2014, 09:05:30 PM »

One morning he woke me up very early and asked me if i could trust him... . He said "if i tell you something about myself can i trust you not to go into fear or tell people?" I told him that i could not promise to not tell anyone if i went into fear  but if i did it would be my T to process it.

Then he said nothing all day.  When i asked him what he was talking about he kinda gave me an excuse that it was just in case anything ever came up.

This is key.  Given how quickly my ex talked about marriage, it is very apparent that she wanted to get married.  But while building a brand new relationship with me, she may fear that revealing BPD to me would scare me away. 

A simple google search button can scare anyone.  That's just how it is. 

Like your ex, my ex told me about some things that she had.  She trauma, night terrors and OCD.  She has told me before that when things dont go according to plan, her OCD triggers and she gets irritated.  OCD isn't that bad so I always brushed it off... .

From what I am reading so far about BPD, a likely successful relationship is one where both parties are aware of it.  The non knowing all the triggers, and the BP knowing what triggers etc... .

But can it work long term if only the BPD knows and hides it from SO?

*shrug*

Corraline,

Your relationship did last 3 years, but what I wonder this type of circumstance will inevitably decline and end. 
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corraline
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« Reply #6 on: March 22, 2014, 09:13:32 PM »

well i ask myself

if he did declare that he had BPD

did i have the strength to continue?

label or not

i didn't

with all of the tools we already had and were working with.
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LuckyNicki
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« Reply #7 on: March 22, 2014, 09:20:21 PM »

and that is an example of why these individuals would hide that disorder.  People might just walk away.  That is unless they secured some kind of commitment like marriage.
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« Reply #8 on: March 23, 2014, 04:47:25 AM »

What you come up against is a facade, the higher functioning the better the facade is maintained, along with it the denial they have anything wrong. They could be dying everyday inside, and so this "management" is unhealthy as it will crack and it will get dumped on someone.

BPD recovery is all about management, but in a healthier regulated way so they do not simply bottle things up behind a facade.

The untaught self coping mechanism for pwBPD is simply outright denial and deflection. Many know they have issues but dont have the ability to face owning the problem let alone seeking appropriate treatment, as they are too busy finding scapegoats and providing misinformation.

Its not their fault, they are just sensitive, so why should they own responsibility for fixing it? The world is a conspiracy against them, right?

So to answer your question, yes it is possible. Even if they have a diagnosis and the insight to understand it, the commitment to treat it is still often beyond their scope.
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« Reply #9 on: March 23, 2014, 04:58:27 AM »

and that is an example of why these individuals would hide that disorder.  People might just walk away.  That is unless they secured some kind of commitment like marriage.

Problem with that theory is that they need to have the ability to control it. It is a disorder because they dont have those controls. Knee jerk emotional reactions do come out. If not it wouldn't be a disability.

Some individuals are better at compartmentalizing their issues and so their emotional outlets are more channeled. eg at home but not at work.

The initial idealization phase we first come across is just a temporary refocusing on a new fad (you) which wears off like a new toy. Plus we suck up the idealization, often because we are needy for it. Often an outsider can see it as 'over the top", we just think it's sweet, as we are busy feeding our own need.

There are many folks with BPD traits but without it messing their lives enough to be called a Disorder. Having these traits mess up your life is effectively the definitions used for a diagnosis
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LuckyNicki
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« Reply #10 on: March 23, 2014, 07:24:29 AM »

What you come up against is a facade, the higher functioning the better the facade is maintained, along with it the denial they have anything wrong. They could be dying everyday inside, and so this "management" is unhealthy as it will crack and it will get dumped on someone.

Waverider,

First, I just want to thank you for your reply. 

This girl is incredibly high functioning and I do believe that most of her friends and our mutual friends will ever know about her.  She is successful in her career etc... .   So everything you say is kinda spot on.

My question for you is, how will it crack and will get dumped on someone.  Can you provide an example?  Because I feel like that's what happened to me... .

Thank you.
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« Reply #11 on: March 23, 2014, 04:51:27 PM »

It can crack in many ways, but usually shows as projection for everything that is wrong in their world is because of you. Complete impatience, and little genuine interest in your world.

They stop selling you their caring side. Lack of respect will mean they don't try to impress you.

Once it starts its like a relief valve going off and accusations can go off on all encompassing tangents. Often specifically targeting your know weak points.

Their goal is to enrage you so that you can share in their inner rage, the subject matter may be of little consequence.

Trying to address the subject matter can enrage them even further as you are listening to their words and not their emotions. Defending your issues is seen as attacking(invalidating) their right to their feelings>>escalations
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« Reply #12 on: March 26, 2014, 01:56:51 PM »

Well Lucky it could very well be that she doesn't know she has BPD and just as likely she may not.

So many people, especially depending on her age and past experience have jumped through the hoops for their lifetimes with improper diagnosis. My wife was one of these. ADHD is a commom diagnosis so many have tried to deal with when the reality was BPD only to be diagnosed years later. All that time spent in therapy that really had no return.

For myself I am a true believer that self-diagnosis is the wrong path for anyone to take.

I suppose you're still connected so if she's an interest to you have you tried to talk to her about it from the aspect that your concerned and care about her and that you want to be a support to her?

I really think that a person with BPD even though she's really high-functioning, like my wife, would truly be able to avoid all triggers or manage her problems without it being quite evident that there is something 'seriously' wrong with her perception or responses with me or others. Most have lived a lifetime of repeated failures that just can't be hidden. That's why it's an illness, it isn't controllable in the common course of their actions or interactions with others.

My wife was always aware that she wasn't the same as everyone else and that she had something wrong with her that made her different and run into so many problems with other people. Of course she wasn't willing to say it was HER fault but generally the fault of others. Par for that course. Never would she have ever considered, heard of or admitted to BPD if it hadn't have been for a massive break down after her becoming really bad, thrown in jail, shackled, dragged through court and totally destroyed every hope for good life (in her mind) at the time. It took hitting the absolute bottom for her to start and crawl her way out. Might sound terrible but it's the best thing that ever happened to her, me and her whole family.

I wish you luck with whatever the problem is. Keep in touch and let us know how you made out.

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« Reply #13 on: March 30, 2014, 02:45:23 PM »

Is it possible for a BPD to be aware of what they have but not tell anyone about it.  They go about life accepting what they have without getting treatment or going to therapy.  

Is it possible for them to have long term relationships while hiding this disorder and just try to avoid triggers?

I suspect my ex may be that kind of individual. 

YES!  After a long nite of drinking about 4 months ago my PD said... . " One of my T's said that I have black and white thinking.  But I don't believe I have BPD."  She has disclosed that she has been Hospitalized in the past so I am relatively sure that BPD has been brought up in her group sessions as well as most likely having been diagnosed as such.  However, for my own sanity... . I never bring it up.
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« Reply #14 on: March 30, 2014, 04:50:38 PM »

It can get to a stage where they finally have a legit name for "issues" they have experienced most of their lives. This provides an answer to their problems rather than opening a door towards healthy recovery. The black and white thinking can lead to them adopting this as "not my fault, but yours for blaming me for something I can't help".

In short it can become an excuse for not accepting responsibility for their actions. "the disorder made me do it, it's not my fault", " I can't help it". acceptance of the disorder by a suffer is not always a step towards recovery. It does enable you to discuss the technicalities of it though, which is a plus, but leads to a whole new field of frustrations around lack of willingness to put the effort in. It can be very appealing to those with hypochondriac tendencies

Others will deny into the grave
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« Reply #15 on: March 30, 2014, 05:38:35 PM »

It can get to a stage where they finally have a legit name for "issues" they have experienced most of their lives. This provides an answer to their problems rather than opening a door towards healthy recovery. The black and white thinking can lead to them adopting this as "not my fault, but yours for blaming me for something I can't help".

In short it can become an excuse for not accepting responsibility for their actions. "the disorder made me do it, it's not my fault", " I can't help it". acceptance of the disorder by a suffer is not always a step towards recovery. It does enable you to discuss the technicalities of it though, which is a plus, but leads to a whole new field of frustrations around lack of willingness to put the effort in. It can be very appealing to those with hypochondriac tendencies

Others will deny into the grave

mine self diagnosed herself with some type of attachment disorder ( promoted by me commenting that her bf  might have one based upon what she told me if him... . a  weird sort of mirroring?).  She later used the excuse that she was " sick"  and had to leave me because of that.  In this manner,  she took all power away from me discussing it with her.
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