BPDw appears to get it now

[Theo41]

Several weeks ago my W with BPD characteristics acted out hatefully toward me during anOscar party at our house. ( stress brings this on big time). I was embarrassed for us and am sure our guests were uncomfortable and glad to leave. After washing the dishes we had it out. This has happened before but she gets over it. This time she's telling me she's not going to plan anything more (entertaining, trips, etc. ) says "we will be living separate lives." I'm glad. I can't take it anymore. Every time we travel or have company or she has more than one or two drinks she blows up in anger towards me. A good friend of mine who is a Dr.  says I am suffering from traumatic stress disorder. And I am. It's sad but separate social lives may be the way to go from here. We're too bonded, been married too long and too old to split. Thoughts?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Does she normally stick to things she says she is going to do?

Especially considering this is a reactionary decision.

I tend to just ignore anything my partner says shes going to do. It always changes.

[Theo41]

You are correct sir:) Shehas good work habits and always follows through but on this stuff:no. I used to say "I can't take anything she says seriously. If I did we should be divorced. She doesn't mean any of it. She's just upset."

I think what's different now is that I am begining to effectively establish boundries: if you act in appropriately nasty to me, I'm not up for that any more. So knock it off or there won't be anymore entertaining, trips together, in fact I'll just begin doing my own thing (separate lives). I'm not hopeful for her: she won't get help. In deep denial.

I do have hope for me that I can continue forward in life without being limited and experiencing so much pain from her. Am I getting better / on sound footing? Theo

[waverider]

As long as you are living your life according to what appeases you and not pending her unreliable promises you are heading in the right direction.

Being firm without being deliberately confrontational should oil the cogs.

You are giving her choices rather than demands, which is the best you can do for everyone concerned.

[Theo41]

Thanks Wave rider. Theo