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Author Topic: Giving 100% getting 10% return  (Read 375 times)
willtimeheal
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« on: March 23, 2014, 04:45:01 PM »

I have been with my undiagnosed BPD girlfriend for almost 6 years. She has screwed me over more times than I care to count but for some reason we always end up back together. I am in therapy and have been for a few years. I Am trying to figure out why I stay. Anyways I feel like I always give 100% to the relationship and she give back nothing or 10%.  For the last 3 weeks we have spent no time together. I have not seen her kids or her. We talk on the phone or text. I am having a relationship with my phone. Everyday she goes to her mother's house and sits.over there. Today she text me and said she was having a me day... . She was going to sleep and then go to her mom's. How is that any different from any other F`in day?  You would think that after six years we would be discussing moving in together. Granted we are both female and there are kids to think about but every time I bring it up it is pushed aside. I am tired and angry. I am tired of giving 100-200% and getting Jack shyt in return. She will tell me she can't wait to go on vacation and I am like you can't spend time with me here at home but have no problem going on a vacation with me since I paid for it. Fu*k her and fu*k BPD.
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This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Chosen
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« Reply #1 on: March 23, 2014, 08:38:17 PM »

Hi willtimeheal,

I'm sorry you're having a bad day, which makes you doubt whether staying with your uBPDgf is worth it.  Yes we all get that feeling sometimes (a lot of times?) that the things we receive from the relationship is disproportionate to the things we give- whether it is money, time, affection, or attention.  It may feel like we're expected to give more and more and our pwBPDs just take it and don't have to give back.

Unfortunately, pwBPDs don't really have a concept of fairness, and it would seem that many of them have a great sense of entitlement.  Therefore, it is important for us to set boundaries (on what to give, how much, when to stop... . ) so that we don't burn out.  I assure you, they are like blackholes and if you continue giving it will still not be enough for them and then you'll be left with nothing to give.  We also have to accept that sometimes they will just be dissatisfied with us, and we will have to say to ourselves "I did my best" and let that be. 

I know this doesn't solve your problem, but hopefully you'll know that there are many others here that experience the same things.  Please also read the Lessons on your right again when you feel like nothing works with your gf.  Maybe the tools can help.  Take care.
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lost tree

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« Reply #2 on: March 23, 2014, 08:58:27 PM »

I have been with my undiagnosed BPD girlfriend for almost 6 years. She has screwed me over more times than I care to count but for some reason we always end up back together. I am in therapy and have been for a few years. I Am trying to figure out why I stay. Anyways I feel like I always give 100% to the relationship and she give back nothing or 10%.  For the last 3 weeks we have spent no time together. I have not seen her kids or her. We talk on the phone or text. I am having a relationship with my phone. Everyday she goes to her mother's house and sits.over there. Today she text me and said she was having a me day... . She was going to sleep and then go to her mom's. How is that any different from any other F`in day?  You would think that after six years we would be discussing moving in together. Granted we are both female and there are kids to think about but every time I bring it up it is pushed aside. I am tired and angry. I am tired of giving 100-200% and getting Jack shyt in return. She will tell me she can't wait to go on vacation and I am like you can't spend time with me here at home but have no problem going on a vacation with me since I paid for it. Fu*k her and fu*k BPD.

Hi,

I feel the same as you. I gave 1000% to my uBPDgf and to her entire family and I got treated like $hit 95% of the time by her. Her parents treated me wonderfully….until I was pushed to the brink and forced to break off the relationship with their daughter, nobody in the family has reached out to me since. I did SO MUCH for them and never expected anything in return….except closure in my case now. Looking back I got taken for a ride bad!
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willtimeheal
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« Reply #3 on: March 24, 2014, 05:50:21 AM »

Thanks lost and chosen for responding. Chosen I did read over the tools again and it helped... . thank you. I just hate the whole push pull. One minute things are great and the next I don't see her or the kids for weeks. She runs to her mother's and locks herself up there. It makes me wonder too... . I know she was taking to an old boyfriend a few months ago. I as the emails. She denied it. I look at her now and I don't know if I love her or am totally disgusted with her.  For the first four years all she wanted was for us to get married and now that I am ready she has run away. I don't think she was ever ready I think it was a nice excuse to blame me for everything that was wrong. Now that she can't she runs. I really don't even think I like her anymore. She is not a nice person. 
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Chosen
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« Reply #4 on: March 24, 2014, 09:00:01 PM »

BPD is a very ugly thing that has the power to change lovely people in monsters- literally.  In the long run, it does cause us to look at the pwBPD differently; we begin to wonder if it's really just BPD, or are they actually horrible people?

I have been the victim of terrible push-pull dynamics as well, and it sucks big time.  They know exactly how to push buttons that will disappoint/ hurt/ scare you.  It didn't help that I had a poor sense of boundaries, and was trying to make things better by doing the wrong things.  After I learnt the tools, I still fail from time to time, but things have gotten a lot better.  My pwBPD, though never diagnosed and high-functioning, has become more "normal" despite still having the typical black/ white thinking, and splitting to some extent. 

Staying/ leaving is a very personal decision and nobody has the right to say you should do either.  However, it is perhaps useful to have a think whether you are willing to give it one more shot by implementing (not just knowing!) the tools, maybe you could set a "deadline" for the relationship or some goals you'll like to meet, and you can assess it at a later date.  For, if it has become too much for your to handle, and you've lost your love for that person, it is also worth thinking if taking a break will be good for yourself too.
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waverider
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« Reply #5 on: March 25, 2014, 04:01:21 AM »

It is like a drug, 1 hour high 23 hours withdrawal.

Is the high that keeps you hooked real or an illusion?

What do you really want? Is it more of this, even if it is modified version of this?

If she has BPD then you may never have the illusion you are seeking?

To even try you need a commitment and a realistic understanding of what is achievable, as it is hard work and seeking what may be an illusion will not sustain that commitment.

You need to start giving you 100% to determine what your values are, what you expect out of life and what you can live with. There are reasons why most of us are attracted to pwBPD in the first place, and they are not healthy reasons. Finding the answers to those reasons is a good place to start
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willtimeheal
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« Reply #6 on: March 25, 2014, 03:59:13 PM »

Waverider... . I have been working on the "why" and the "reasons" why I am attracted.to a BPD in therapy. Nobody wants an answer to that question more than me.
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waverider
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If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #7 on: March 25, 2014, 04:35:04 PM »

It is a hard to question answer, I doubt we ever really reach a conclusive answer. I have to keep reminding myself of that question so that I can keep in mind what I do is a choice and not just a default obligation.

We will always have to give more than we receive, that is the nature of the disorder. The resentment will keep popping up to bite you if you can't truly accept it as your choice ie a problem you have accepted.

Still sucks, its my biggest issue that i struggle with. The lack of voluntary effort for no reward. This raised its head for me when I realized even the generous gestures my partner makes have their motivation in the praise received. That is, it is ultimately about receiving more than the giving.
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