False Accusations, Restraining Orders & Divorce

[kfifd196]

Is it normal for a BPD Wife to return or regaing feelings after she's filed for divorce and filed a Restraining Order on false accusations?  Do they normally file for divorce?  (Seems like EVERYTHING NOW BOTHERED HER ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP) Also, is it normal for a BPD to go from loving someone immensely, to pure hatred basically overnight?  Lastly, do BPD's usually fabricate things in their mind and accuse you of things like cheating?  My wife snapped because a commercial with Jessica Alba came on tv!  I wasn't even looking at tv and was accused of having a fantasy about her.  Same thing happend when the Bachelor came on TV.  She accused me of having it on because there are girls on there, but it was on, because I left the tv after watching wheel of fortune and took my daughter up for a bath.  Thank you... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[MyGreatEscape]

Oh gawd, I have to admit something... . I had to stop laughing to reply... . YES, Yes, and YESYESYES. They do ALL of that.

I was laughing because my husband has done exactly the same thing... . but it was the asian guy in The Last Samurai... . no, I am not kidding. I was accused of drooling over the Samurai guy. For hours. He's also been mad at me for days... . because he DREAMT I cheated on him.

They are one extreme to another... . black/white, up/down, yes/no, love/hate... . a roller coaster. And they are very immature/neurotic/insecure... . and even seem to lose grasp on reality sometimes. You will be the most amaaaaaaazing person they have ever known... . then you are the devil incarnate.

You have found the right place, my friend, and you are not alone. Please look through all the awesome resources on this site and read others' posts... . you will find stories that will sound JUST like what you are dealing with.



You will find support here... .

[kfifd196]

Thank you!  I'm sorry you're going through this too! 

We have a 10 month old and I hope to work things out, so I can get her to counseling.  She won't go on her own and even if she did, wouldn't admit what SHE does in the relationship.  She blames me for all of the problems.  I had some porn and swimsuit pictures on my laptop, from BEFORE I met my wife.  She dug through my laptop without permission and found them, then did $1000 of damage to the house!  Yet, she blames me for having the pictures and the damage is swept under the rug.  Last month, she bit me... . I'm worried for our daughter.

She's been out of the house since 2/4/14 and is living with her ENABLING parents.  They gave me slight warnings awhile back, but I had no clue what they were getting at, as I hadn't witnessed anything yet... . Now, they side with her and blame ME for her sadness.  She's upset about the divorce and blames me for ruining the pregnancy and marriage, because she was always upset, but doesn't realize her deceit caused some of the problems... . Do you think she'll be back before the Divorce is over or is it usually awhile?  She's been bitter for almost 2 months now... . filled with a hatred I would've never imagined.  It hurts bad, as she was praising me just 2 months ago, as a Gift from God... .

[MyGreatEscape]

Yikes... . so her parents are the "apaths" in your scenario... . they were won over without any facts. That's always lovely to deal with.

Now, I'm not in any way going to excuse her doing $1000 in damage to your house... . good gravy... . but I have to get this out of the way first: when I found out that my husband was using porn and was browsing pics... . I... . a usually level-headed person, totally flipped out.

Flipped.

Out.

I screamed so loud at him that I almost lost my voice. I have NEVER been so enraged in my life. Ever. And then what it did to my self-esteem for a while... . really, reallllly painful. It took months for me to trust him at all AND I installed filters on all our devices. All women I have spoken to who have dealt with the porn thing say it is more painful than being cheated on. I would have to agree, and I have been cheated on (by someone else).

Women do not like thinking that you are disrespecting them by even THINKING about another woman, let alone virtually cheating repeatedly. It does something to us that cannot be undone.

I don't know where in your timeline with her that she found this stuff (when she was pregnant? Before that?), but if you want her back, that issue may be huuuuge. I almost divorced MY husband over porn (56% of marriages now end because of porn, by the way), so imagining a woman with BPD finding it... . hoo boy... . her feelings could be so out in space, she is probably reeling and totally out of control.

Then... . the laptop... . I am a person who believes that there should be complete transparency. Shared passwords, equal access to all accounts at all times, etc. So, being your wife... . could she really be on your laptop "without permission"? If it's a work-only laptop, okay... . but if it's a personal one... . why can't she look through it?

Now, if she was raging for NO reason and was being paranoid, rifling through stuff... . which they (BPD's) totally do... . alright... . she's acting out. But if there is nothing for her to find, let her ease her mind. My husband can look through all my stuff whenever he wants. Even though HE is the one who lied, he is also the paranoid, insecure one, so I just let him, he doesn't even have to ask.

My ONE secret is being on this board... . he can access every single other thing I have and knows everything I do. He needs to, to feel safe, and I'm okay with that... . he will find nothing.

Now, hand-slap aside... . (sorry)... . and assuming you are forever done with ever having pics/porn again... . if you want to mend things with her... . you are going to have to confront that topic. If she has BPD, she may have told everyone you cheated, are a womanizer, that you're emotionally abusive... . because in her mind... . you are all those things plus exaggerations and added stories on top of that. I never did anything like that and you would think I did with some of the accusations my BPD husband has thrown at me.

From the way her parents have treated you, I suspect she has done/said all of that.

Is the porn/pictures topic *the* thing that she is saying "ruined" her pregnancy and kept her so upset or is it general insecurity issues?

I'm trying to fill in some gaps here... . so please, correct me if I'm assuming anything!

Will she talk to you at all... . ?

[kfifd196]

She won't talk to me at all.  See, here's the deal.  I take FULL responsibility for having the porn and never intended to have it to replace her.  I had it from before we met.  I had purchased a house a few years earlier and had gutted it to do a total renovation to it.  I did not have time or make time to go through my laptop and clean it out prior to meeting her, as I was busy busting my butt on the house.  My wife moved in, got pregnant, 3 days later and found the porn 2 months later.  I felt awful, but also felt hurt, because she lied to me to get on the computer in the first place.  I would have been honest with her had she asked me to go on there, to look around.  I am a career firefighter, so I work in a very macho environment, where the guys send things like naked or swimsuit pix around to lighten up the atmosphere.  No one else would understand it, but it's a high stress job and it's a coping mechanism, so to speak.  I love my wife and have thought of no one else but her and ONLY had the porn, to "fit in" with the guys.  It can be rough, if you're considered a wuss... . She continued to harass me over it and I cleaned out, what I thought was all of it, but missed 1 folder of pix.  She found it and flipped again.  Now, I was pissed, because I was tired of her going through my things LOOKING for stuff.  It's not like she just stumbled across it.  It was one of the things, that led to her filing for divorce, as she recently found 5 pix, from last Sept.  I didn't know about them and the guys from work fessed up to it, but she refused to believe them.  I had never gone through her belongings until she filed divorce and I found SHE was looking at Male porn and Dating sites!  So, I feel she was projecting on me. 

What her parents don't know, is how almost every week, her insecurities and trust problems affected us in some way, starting from the day we met!  She would complain about me not texting back in 5 minutes, why I was on Facebook, before texting her good morning when I knew she was still sleeping and I'd left her a love note by the bed before I left to work, questioning all my friends, calling my female friends about their relationship to me and the list goes on... . I HAVE NEVER EVER CHEATED ON HER OR ANYONE, so it really bothered me, as she was calling me a cheater, porn addict, etc.  I haven't had any porn in well over a year and only did it once back then for spite, because I was tired of her going through my things.  I know it was wrong, but the pressure she was putting me under was unreal!  Then there were the countless complaints for validation of my love for her and she would deny I loved her.  It hurts more than you can imagine, when you love someone more than anything and they throw your love around, like a beat up rag doll.  I would do anything for her, but it was never enough.  She felt worthless, no matter how much praise I gave her and always needed to be the priority in life.  I still love her very much and never understood why the porn bothered her so much, as I didn't do it to replace her, just to fit in AND HONESTLY, I didn't even watch it... . I just passed it on and that's the God's Honest Truth... . I don't need that, as she was very attractive and everything I wanted.  I miss her dearly, but her parents are controlling this entire thing.  Today would've been our 1 year wedding anniversary   Is there anyway to fix this? 

[MyGreatEscape]

Oh dear... .

I am so sorry that today would be your first anniversary. That is terrible. I got an ache in my chest when I read that. I'm sure she is not doing well over that fact, as you aren't.

Well let me start with this... . ironically enough (or not... . maybe this is no coincidence?)... . my husband is a Firefighter.

My ex was one too, so I have been neck deep in the FD life since, good god, 1995? So, I know allllllll about the FD environment. It isn't easy to be the wife of a FF. I am very independent, so the schedule works fine for me, I actually like alone time... . but most women cannot handle it. Even I struggle with certain aspects of it... . the secret society attitude by many guys, and some of the womanizing is just ridiculous. It's not a family environment at too many houses, to say the least. Some departments have women... . and not a lot of ladies can deal with that. Then there are the women that ogle FF's and try tempting you all. I laugh at it because, though I wonder if mine would ever cheat... . I don't think it would be with some randy woman who tried "getting" a FF. But, my women friends (FF wives) freak out, especially when a new female FF comes into the mix. It's a war zone! My H works in one of the busiest houses around, so it's a struggle to be here with 4 kids while we can't even have a 5 minute phone conversation about anything most days due to calls. Then, I visit and go to use the restroom at some houses, and... . oh, look, theres the porn mag sitting in the stall. I would throw it out. Guys need to stop thinking this is acceptable. It isn't. Not in this or any other universe. I can trash talk the guys like they do to each other so I'll be like, "yeah, I better not find out who's porn that was cause I will call your WIFE!". Some women cower in the corner and say "screw this" and they file for divorce. It's not a life for the weak!

You say you now know she was looking at porn too... . hmmm... . my gut is telling me she did it after the fact and when she decided to file for divorce.

I've gotta nail the porn thing home... . it destroys us. I am a pretty darn secure lady... . and it wrecked me for months. I still think about it, but with therapy, my BPDh has opened up about the "whys" and has elaborated on how he sees it now. We have a daughter... . and I was like, uh, what if SHE was doing porn... . and guys were using her images? He was mortified... . claims he never thought about that. Huh?

He initially used the same excuse that it was a stress reliever... . that "all the guys have it" (which they do not ALL have it) And yes, guys (one guy actually, who is a serial cheater) would send him pics and I put a stop to that quick. I don't buy the stress reliever excuse cause we are, to be polite, very amorous, and he was still using it numerous times a day... . so he actually had an addiction to it. The use of it at all still damaged me and our relationship forever in many ways.

Doesn't matter that you compliment her, like the way she looks, come home to her, all that... . looking at other women that way ruins our trust. Some women will go use it out of spite, cheat, or start being malicious and sneaky about other stuff after finding this type of thing out. Even the women I know who come off like it doesn't bother them... . it does... . they just know they can't stop their guy and don't want to look like "that girl"... . but short of being the women IN the porn... . we are ALL that girl. And, you have a daughter... . so your wife is probably thinking ALLLLL kinds of things about that aspect too.

Look at it this way... . I've never been a jealous person, was always happy with how I looked, I had no major inhibitions with my husband... . and the porn truly messed me up. If she has BPD, is insecure, she was pregnant when she found it, and now you have a daughter... . oh honey, you have an uphill battle.

Now, to how to get her to listen.

Find a way to get her to talk to you. Show up, beg, ask for her to meet you somewhere. Send her a letter. Ask her parents to PLEASE listen to you... . but don't tell them details, just that they don't understand what has happened, that you are a wreck, love her, and want his to work. This situation is a live wire as it is and you're adding that she could have BPD... . so you are going to have to reason with her and give in to many requests... . if she will even see you. And, you cannot get mad. Losing your temper or even getting irritated, if you really want her to come back... . don't do it.

But... . do you really want to go forward with this? If she has BPD, your life will be very, very hard. And she has ammo to use against you. Though she went and did the same thing in spite, if she's borderline... . that fact won't matter. This will ALWAYS be ALL your fault... . can you deal with that?

If so... . do everything you can to get her to talk to you. Be calm. If you can, contact her TODAY so that she knows today is important to you.

I am crossing my fingers for you.

[123Phoebe]

Hi kfifd196,

I'm really sorry you're going through all of this   It sounds as though you're being put through the wringer.  Have you had a chance to look at the Legal Board?  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=10.0

They'll be able to offer you some very sound advice straight from the trenches.  Knowledge is power!  Have you sought your own attorney?

What you're describing sounds really messy with the restraining order and false allegation claims.  Where's your daughter now?

[an0ught]

Hi kfifd196,

She won't talk to me at all.  See, here's the deal.  I take FULL responsibility for having the porn and never intended to have it to replace her.  I had it from before we met.  I had purchased a house a few years earlier and had gutted it to do a total renovation to it.  I did not have time or make time to go through my laptop and clean it out prior to meeting her, as I was busy busting my butt on the house.

please do yourself a favor and stop apologizing for the porn on your laptop. One time is ok, multiple times essays is not ok. This is called JADE

Justify

Argue

Defend

Explain

and usually makes matters worse. You made a small mistake having the porn on your laptop and probably a larger one not securing it with a password. You are treated in no way in a fair manner - her behavior is blowing this out of proportion.  

What her parents don't know, is how almost every week, her insecurities and trust problems affected us in some way, starting from the day we met!  She would complain about me not texting back in 5 minutes, why I was on Facebook, before texting her good morning when I knew she was still sleeping and I'd left her a love note by the bed before I left to work, questioning all my friends, calling my female friends about their relationship to me and the list goes on... . I HAVE NEVER EVER CHEATED ON HER OR ANYONE, so it really bothered me, as she was calling me a cheater, porn addict, etc.  I haven't had any porn in well over a year and only did it once back then for spite, because I was tired of her going through my things.  I know it was wrong, but the pressure she was putting me under was unreal!  Then there were the countless complaints for validation of my love for her and she would deny I loved her.

The dialog in such situation often goes "you don't love me" and you said "I love you more than anything" and she then "I don't believe you"... . It is hard to validate when someone is so negative and telling her that you loved her - if you did - may well have been counterproductive as it would have been invalidating. If this dialog sounds familiar read up on validation here on the board e.g. starting in the LESSONS at the top. Stopping invalidation (JADE is also invalidating) is one of the most important first steps. It is quite easy to invalidate in these situations like begging ":)on't divorce me" which seems like an obvious thing to do.

It hurts more than you can imagine, when you love someone more than anything and they throw your love around, like a beat up rag doll.  I would do anything for her, but it was never enough.  She felt worthless, no matter how much praise I gave her and always needed to be the priority in life.  I still love her very much and never understood why the porn bothered her so much, as I didn't do it to replace her, just to fit in AND HONESTLY, I didn't even watch it... . I just passed it on and that's the God's Honest Truth... . I don't need that, as she was very attractive and everything I wanted.  I miss her dearly, but her parents are controlling this entire thing.  Today would've been our 1 year wedding anniversary   Is there anyway to fix this?  

Doing everything for a pwBPD is counterproductive as it will never be enough and ultimately proves unsustainable. Plenty of people here been there and tried that.

It is going to be tough to turn the situation around. Don't know whether this dynamic was so strong all the time. She seems to be very out of control and I wonder whether some post-partum depression is in play. If not maybe that is a convenient excuse to allow her to save face - shame is a huge factor in pwBPD and may drive her forward even if she knows it is not the best for her.

Getting good legal advice is important as there is a young child and the mother is not so stable but belligerent. Your rights are not a given if you don't protect them. I assume you got legal advice otherwise it may be a good idea to get some and maybe also check with the legal board.

Provided it is possible the most important first step if you want to turn this around will be to stop to making it worse - avoiding invalidation is one key step. Then validation will be important to manage communication with her if that may be possible. It is really important for you to focus on educating yourself on BPD and how to handle your side (the only bit you control). Let go of the porn - it is a red herring. Having said this you may well have to tell her 100 times that she is "very; extremely; beyond anything; more than ever before angry at you for having the porn on you laptop" - that can be safely validated - these are her beliefs (most likely guilt driven by her own porn habits mixed up with fear of being abandoned for a swim suit model mixed with her own body image issues). Validation helps her to regulate. No need to apologize much, you did that already and got more than your fair share, a really unfair share of punishment too.

[kfifd196]

Thank you for your input... . There is no more porn and I really don't condone it, as a man in a relationship.  As a fireman in a "macho" environment, it's like a construction job or something else, where that stuff is prevalent.  I wish I could go back and delete it before my wife moved in with me.  I really didn't want to hurt her so bad. 

I can't talk to her, because of the restraining order she filed on false claims and to get her to drop it, she doesn't want to hear about reconciling.  I don't know how she can just "shut off" our relationship like it meant nothing!

She berated me for everything, my muscle tone (I'm in good shape), that I like cocoa pebbles , I'm lazy and not ambitious (I work as a fulltime firefighter 48 hours a week plus OT and own a business and am writing a book about this ).

She moved out 2 months ago and left everything here (Clothes, jewelry, undergarments, ALL OF HER SHOES... . what woman leaves shoes behind?), as if she plans to return, but has filed for divorce etc... . Totally confused!

[MissyM]

Yes, it is totally confusing.  They are confused and don't make sense.  Trying to think like them is really impossible.  You can, however, see the cycle and how it repeats itself.  Breaking your part of the cycle is really all you can do.  Keep reading and working on yourself.

[MyGreatEscape]

Oh my gosh, how stupid of me... . I totally blanked on the RO she filed so you CAN'T try talking to her... . and I saw that her Dad is a cop... . ? Wow. Holy crap.

I don't know where you're located but hopefully the judges there see through her false claims... . I assume you have a temp. until a hearing, or was it actually granted? I'm slightly confused on that part.

Maaaaaybe you can try talking to her parents then... . ?

Sounds like from her comments (cocoa pebbles... . sheeesh) that she is spinning lots of stuff in her head to justify her actions. That hurts. She is obviously in pain to be grasping at stupid stuff like that.

I'm wishing you the best of luck... . if you want to reconcile, I hope you get that chance. Take care of yourself and start focusing on how to help your baby girl too.

[kfifd196]

So, a little good news... . My wife decided to drop the Temp. Restraining Order, in exchange that I don't talk about reconciling with her.  She's avoiding it at all costs, but still blames me for "ruining our marriage", even though 75% of it was due to her own insecurities and trust issues.  I've tried talking to the parents, but they are enablers and in denial.  They don't think there's anything wrong with her "NOW", yet a year ago THEY told me off the cuff, to set boundaries with her, not answer the phone & texts too much and she should prob. be on meds... . NOW they deny this, when they could possibly save our marriage!  This is torture and I can't do a damned thing about it.  I love my wife, even with the verbal abuse... . When we were happy together, we were on top of the world and could accomplish anything together!  The last 2 years have been a fairytale romance, except for the porn issues twice, that she never let go of and her obsessive insecurities\trust issues.  This royally sucks and I'm hurting so bad inside.  I wish there was SOME way we could talk.  There is no more porn in my life.  Her main complaint was that and that I would get mean at times, but that was ONLY, after insessant badgering due to her trust and insecurities.  I could be in one room and a tv on in the other, and Jessica Simpson comes on and I would be accused of looking at her, when I wasn't even in the room!  Then I'd get accused of a million other things and eventually say something mean... . It wasn't right, but how much can a guy take... .   Is there a legal way around this?  Once we're divorced, can we talk about this?

[MissyM]

Yes, it is hurtful and frustrating.  The more you try to spin your wheels, the worse you are going to feel.  Are you seeing a therapist?  You need some IRL support for all of  this stress.

[kfifd196]

I am seeing a Therapist, Attending Al-Anon Meetings and Going to a Marriage Counselor-Therapist as well.  The MC is well-versed on BPD, my other THerapist is not and I've noticed that Al-Anon addresses a lot of the issues similar to living with a BPD.  After my wife moved out, I found books and literature about "Stop Controlling others and Learn to Care for yourself", Co-Dependents Anonymous info for people that can't maintain relationships, etc... . This hurt, as I can't approach her or her family about it to get her help and SAVE OUR MARRIAGE... . Her fam is in denial and so is she... . I mentioned about past relationship issues (which she mentioned to me before) and she said I'm using her past against her... . Total Denial.

   This is my wife, my soulmate and she's become a stranger and an enemy overnight and over what appears to be trivial things, that most relationships go through.  I am going to the T tomorrow morning, but I want her back so bad.  I've prayed every prayer and have even considered voodoo... . It's really taking a hold on me and I wish I had answers... . And wish she'd come back   I hate that she hates me... . Plus we have a beautiful 10 month old girl together!  I don't know why she won't even TRY to go to counseling again with me?