What can you do about the silent treatment?

[Moselle]

Separated uBPDw only phones for money or to invalidate me.

For the rest, she doesn't answer her phone, or communicate about anything.

What can I do? if anything.

I guess the boundary I have is to be treated civilly, and she crosses it by silent animosity

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Moselle]

Oh dear, I fell for it and lost my cool.

I responded on facebook, and told her that I felt uncomfortable with the silent treatment. She then said she'll not talk to me with out a marriage counsellor present. This is just nuts

[MissyM]

I hate to be snarky but my answer to what to do about the silent treatment?  Enjoy and focus on yourself.  You can make a marital therapy appointment in a few weeks, give her time to cool down.  How long do her episodes usually last?  Detoxing from our addiction to those with mental illness takes at least 30 days.  I know for me the anxiety is that my dBPDh is usually plotting and scheming during silent treatments.  At this point, I am just grateful not to be hearing from him and all of the verbal abuse.  What he is doing with his time is just going to have to be up to him.

[kfifd196]

My BPD wife is essentially giving me the silent treatment as well.  We separated last month and she wants to limit ALL  conversation to being about our 10 m\o daughter.  However, she brings up bills, business, etc.  If I bring this up she goes crazy... . even filed a TRO against me over it, when I answered her, so there's the set-up, like you were saying. 

What did you mean, when you said ":)etoxing from our addiction to those with mental illness takes at least 30 days"?

Were you saying it will take my wife 30 days to get over this and start talking again?

I wanted to get her to a Marriage Counselor, but she's dead set against it now and set on divorce.  She's split me black and I don't see her changing her view... . Will she change back?  Maybe have 2nd thoughts and start talking again?

[MissyM]

No, kfifd.   The 30-90 days is for us to clear our addiction to them.  If we can  move the focus back onto ourselves, we will do much better.  In the end, the only thing we can control is ourselves.

[Moselle]

My BPD wife is essentially giving me the silent treatment as well.  We separated last month and she wants to limit ALL  conversation to being about our 10 m\o daughter.  However, she brings up bills, business, etc.  If I bring this up she goes crazy... . even filed a TRO against me over it, when I answered her, so there's the set-up, like you were saying. 

What did you mean, when you said ":)etoxing from our addiction to those with mental illness takes at least 30 days"?

Were you saying it will take my wife 30 days to get over this and start talking again?

I wanted to get her to a Marriage Counselor, but she's dead set against it now and set on divorce.  She's split me black and I don't see her changing her view... . Will she change back?  Maybe have 2nd thoughts and start talking again?

Kffid

Sorry you are going through this. I recognise the pain and difficulty associated.

She is choosing this treatment and I'm sure it is her way of punishing me for the perceived abandonment she is feeling. I'm learning not to take it personally. Divorce or not she is the mother of my children. And I am determined to at least have a working relationship. But I do realise that she may choose not to and unfrtunately I have to accept that. Its my choice to continue being civil however

[bruceli]

It sounds like in her reply to you that she is using this to control and punish and it does seem from your post that this bothers you so it does seem like she is succeeding.  Let her have her "push" and soon enough the "pull" will ensue. 

[Moselle]

No, kfifd.   The 30-90 days is for us to clear our addiction to them.  If we can  move the focus back onto ourselves, we will do much better.  In the end, the only thing we can control is ourselves.

MissyM I can second that comment 100%. I visited home this weekend to see the children. It's been 90 days of separation and I can honestly say the physical attraction that she used to control me is actually gone. Unbelievable, for 14 years I was subject to the intimacy blackmail treatment. Do what I say or you won't get any. She's tried to bully me of late into getting what she wants, but I've held my ground, where before I would have given in to her persistence. It is a new sense of freedom and perspective into what was essentially a very unhealthy relationship. But it has taken 3 months of separation. I don't think there is any other way, to overcome the addiction. I don't want to go back anymore, it would probably mean becoming addicted again.