One victory at a time... yes, you can do it...

[joshbjoshb]

Whoever put the thread success stories on this forum, most likely used the wrong terms.

We don't have success stories. What we have is victories. They come in small doses, once in a while, but when you achieve them you feel on top of the world.

Like last night.

Wife was upset. I slammed the door in her face. I was rude to her. I yelled at her.

Oh. I meant to say that she thought I slammed the door. I simply closed it. And I didn't raise my voice even once through the evening, or accuse her of anything.

She is angry. I can see her anger about to burst. I can smell the next rage coming at me.

I stay calm. Don't take to heart. Trying to explain to her that I did nothing, or even intended to do nothing (the main accusation was, of course, that I don't love her and respect her enough) wrong.

In a second, her tone changed, she changed the topic completely and became happy.

I want to dance and award myself with a huge, gold medal.

It's fascinating how she didn't even really listen to my answers. She had to vent, got it off her chest, I guess also feel that I am not a threat anymore and she is back to being happy. Almost like a child after you kiss their boo boo.

Victories. One at a time. Celebrate them. Be proud of how far you have come.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Surnia]

 

Lets dance a moment with you!

Great step to stay calm and great it worked. Yes, a little victory. 

Another thing is helpful: No JADE, don't try to justify, argue, defend or explain. It can be difficult, and it can help to make things better too.

Keep going, joshb.

[Olinda]

I'm not sure it was a victory because it seems like victories should feel happy and easy. 

But last night, I stayed calm in the face of an onslaught and (mostly) did not engage.  And instead of our typical 2-3 hour engagement, it was 45 minutes, with the bulk of it her crying and apologizing and being in a shame-filled place because of how she was treating me. 

I am not happy she was in a shame place and self-hating place and unforgiving of self place.

I AM happy that I was able to validate and reflect and stay calm. 

What blows my mind is what triggered it: the straw that broke the camel's back was me coming home after a long day, 9 pm.  Sitting down on the couch and looking at Netflix with fiancee. Fiancee showing me the selections of documentaries she thought would be enjoyable for both of us. She showed me 7 or 8 and I commented positively on most and then she showed me one about the Dalai Lama (I'm a huge fan) but that did not sound appealing so I shook my head. 

She slams the computer shut, stomps out of the room, yells at me "This is bull*&%^%"! I'm never going to get it right!"

I am stunned, this is within 5 minutes of me arriving home. I sit on the couch just breathing deeply, trying to meditate, for once not thinking to myself "What did I do? What could I have done better? I should go apologize, etc".  I'm sitting there hoping that she can go find out what is up and apologize and that we can have a peaceful evening. 

She comes back about 10 minutes later, maybe less. And I ask: What just happened? The litany of her frustration with my unpredictability comes out and i validate. The litany of her exhaustion and spending the last of her energy to try and find something I would like to watch and i validate.  After so long validating, she gets impatient and keeps trying to throw darts and I say "Stop, don't do this".  I tell her I can't allow this anymore, her blaming  me for her feelings.   

My mistake here is continuing to engage, hoping she has reached equilibrium (which it is obvious she hasn't, what am I thinking?) and hoping to reach her reasonable side. 

But it was a victory in the end: I only engaged in about 30 minutes of dysregulated communication instead of my typical 2 hours.   

The cleanup after always takes a while.  She goes through remorse and regret and self-hatred and "I can't forgive myself" etc.  She has therapy today. Hoping that her 2nd visit with this therapist helps her find some ways to work on her shame and forgiveness of self and being able to calm herself down.

Those of you who have recovered BPD partners or at least in remission, what does it look like the healing phase?  (Can you tell I am hopeful?) 

[an0ught]

Hi Olinda,

What blows my mind is what triggered it: the straw that broke the camel's back was me coming home after a long day, 9 pm.  Sitting down on the couch and looking at Netflix with fiancee. Fiancee showing me the selections of documentaries she thought would be enjoyable for both of us. She showed me 7 or 8 and I commented positively on most and then she showed me one about the Dalai Lama (I'm a huge fan) but that did not sound appealing so I shook my head. 

She slams the computer shut, stomps out of the room, yells at me "This is bull*&%^%"! I'm never going to get it right!"

I am stunned, this is within 5 minutes of me arriving home. I sit on the couch just breathing deeply, trying to meditate, for once not thinking to myself "What did I do? What could I have done better? I should go apologize, etc". 

sounds like major invalidation to me. She expected you to like the movie which she had found for you and you rejected that gift. That was a major surprise, irritation and disappointment for her.

Now could you have know this? Nope. Should you appologise? Not really. It may be worth pointing out to her "that you did not realize how much she had expected to choose the video and that you appreciate her having found something with D.L... Still you sometimes like other stuff - nobody is the same all the time. It sure irritated her.".

She is in T but it takes a while to change behavior. Right now most improvements are driven by your changes and it sounds it went better than usual. We did not learn what we are doing in a day or even a month so why should it be changing quickly? You are probably the more flexible party and also more mature party so you change faster and it will take a while for her to catch up.